I've got four rescue dogs. The old lady has been with me for her whole life and she's about 18 now (I say about because I have one friend who insists she's closer to 20) and in her long life she's learned some amazing skills. She could fetch, pull wagons, could count by barking, etc. Now she mostly just snores, but that's an old lady's prerogative, ya know? The other 3, though... I'm not going to say they have no skills. I'm going to say they're very independent thinkers who use their skills only when they're good and ready.

One Reddit user wanted to know what some people's pets skillsets were... and honestly I kind of feel better about my uselessly adorable crew. At least none of them have ever murdered a bunny in front of the family on Easter.


They asked:

Congratulations! Your pet has a job interview tomorrow but needs help writing their resume. What are your pets best skill/qualities?


And sure, some of the answers involved a little murder but there were also some more useful skills here like an ability to bring you your mail or handily pooping in the bath tub for easy cleanup! Some replies were edited for clarity.

Party Animal

On Easter one year, my cat killed a bunny and brought it to our back porch where he ate it in front of us, so I'm gonna say holiday party planning.

- Alphonseboy

The Many Talents of Ozzie

Hi, my name's Ozzie, I'm a border collie, and I'd like to explain why I'd be a good candidate for the HR department opening.

  • As a non-human, I could provide human resources with a truly neutral, objective third-party approach.
  • I rarely poop on the floor.
  • I photograph well, for social media appearances.
  • I can act as security, alerting personnel to the presence of intruders, including burglars, burgers, mailmen, cats, and any sort of food, which I can then dispose of.
  • I can round up all the employees in one place, making them much easier to shear.

- The_Mad_Cow_

Adjustable Sizing

Applicant is outstanding at finding warm seats and stealing them as fast as possible.

She can also take up an entire bed, or curl into a ball and fit on just one pillow. Adjustable size dog.

- moz1

Stick and Sock Removal

Bernie's Stick and Sock Removal

Will remove any unwanted socks or sticks from your possession and gather them in a tidy pile in the storage unit (bed).

Accepts payments in bacon, bum pets, and snuggles.

Households with a vacuum or a baby need not apply.

- faceoftheancients

CatDog

1. can play fetch

2. Does basic tricks like sit, paw, talk on command and rolls over

3. One time, she boxed a stray cat with her front paws like a pro boxer.

My cat is a perfect applicant for the position 'dog'

- Fearfullqueen

Hankcast

My rabbit's name is Hank. Hank is an as$hole, so he will enjoy his job at Comcast customer service.

"Have you tried chewing the cords?" - Hank's tech support suggestion

- DeltaSandwich

Swim Coach

Hullo I am Allie. I am a good girl.

I am a single mum of 14 and an entrepreneur. I don't know any tricks whatsoever, not even how to shake, but I won a beauty pageant when I was younger which gave me the confidence to start my own business of soliciting pats and treats.

In exchange for you giving me a pat, you get to pat a beautiful dog! It's a great business model and I have been highly successful.

I am also a great teacher, I taught all of my 14 children to swim by dragging them into the lake at only six weeks old. They are all excellent swimmers now, and if I see any other dogs near the water I am sure to drag them in and help to test and strengthen their swimming skills.

- narayani_namostute

Mail Room

Mr. Kitty delivers the mail.

Every day, he drags each incoming piece in his teeth from the letter slot to where I'm sitting. The heavier items get batted to their destination.

If a piece is too heavy, he'll "MROW!" tenaciously until the human fetches it. He's totally efficient and reliable.

- Back2Bach

Bearded Dragon V. The Bathtub

—Increased likelihood to eat a blueberry from 70% to 90% from Q1 2018 to Q3 2018;

—Consistently ranked top performer in the apartment for pooping in the bathtub;

—7 years experience in bug-hunting techniques including crickets, dubias and hornworms (must furnish bugs);

—Hobbies include looking out the window and climbing the vacuum.

- stormbornFTW

Any Location Except The Bathroom

He can count to 3, fetch things, bring toilet roll to you in any location except the bathroom. He also takes compliments really well and purrs loudly when you whisper to him about how purrfect he is, which can be quite relaxing for the workforce.

- BumbleBotherer


H/T: Reddit

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