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People Who Were In Abusive Relationships Break Down The Moment They Thought, 'This Isn't Normal'

Abusive relationships are insidious. You might not realize you're in one. Not at first. Abusers are usually very charming and they find ways to lower your defenses and get you to trust them. Once things go south though, it can be difficult to leave. Abusers often tie their victims to them emotionally and financially. The threat of physical violence is real in many cases. Leaving an abusive relationship requires people to confront their unhealthy coping mechanisms and to stop living in denial... no easy task.

After Redditor Nuppa_Nuppa07 asked the online community, "People who got out of an abusive relationship, what was your biggest 'That's not normal'?" survivors weighed in with their recollections.

Warning: Some sensitive content ahead.


"Being able to go..."

Being able to go to a friend's house and not being yelled at when I came home.

YaBoboCA

"Not having a 'curfew'..."

Not having a "curfew" strategically to stop you from seeing your friends. "Wait, WHAT I don't even have to think twice about going out for dinner? Wild."

Wit-wat-4

"It was weird until I realized..."

When I was dating my husband, he never made fun of me or made jokes at my expense. It was weird until I realized it was normal for your partner to not degrade you and make you feel bad about yourself.

Once when we were visiting my home state, he told me I should go out with some friends since I won't be seeing them for awhile. I was honestly shocked. Like seriously? I'm allowed to go? You won't accuse me of cheating on you or trying to lose you? It was wild. I hadn't realized just how bad my past relationships really were.

This December my husband and I will be four years strong.

VitriolicWyverns

"Not having to explain..."

Not having to explain where you've been, why you took so long and no you aren't lying to conceal actually having been whoring around rather than at the grocery store.

Also being allowed to keep my own bank card and money.

Reecespie

"Took me a while..."

I was the one that came out of the abusive relationship. I remember at the beginning of the relationship with my current gf, something happened that bothered me but I kept it quiet. My gf noticed and asked me to express how I felt, to which I replied "It's ok. It doesn't matter how I feel." It was kind of an automatic response. I felt like I didn't want to make a "big deal" out of my feelings. That's when my gf said "That's not normal. Your feelings do matter." Which was... Shocking, honestly. Took me a while to get used to being able to express my feelings in a healthy environment.

ImInJeopardy

"She would read messages..."

She would read messages I'd sent to other people, both on my computer and on my phone. I often found myself having to explain a certain statement or opinion at a moments notice about any conversation I'd had recently. I had zero expectation of privacy the entire time and was often shamed any time I tried to take some back.

Nonsenseinabag

"God, where to begin."

God, where to begin.

I escaped a nine year long abusive relationship six years ago.

I'm now happily engaged yet still have to remind myself that completely innocent day to day occurrences are ok.

Such as:

Coughing or sneezing when in bed. This used to result in me being punched as punishment.

Being allowed to sleep in. If I tried to sleep in he'd pour water on me and then my side of the bed so I wouldn't be able to sleep.

Being able to accidentally drop something or spill a drink without being sworn at.

The emotional manipulation made me stay for so long. No one had any idea. I masked it so well.

Now I'm truly happy but get flashbacks daily.

Mrsjamesmay

"I had gotten out..."

I had gotten out of an abusive relationship.

New guy I was seeing was trying to have sex with me. I said no. He immediately stopped and instead got me a blanket and gave me water. We just continued watching TV together and I was wrapped up like a burrito.

I guess someone ignoring you when you say no is not normal.

Bitter_Syllabub

"The one that really stands out..."

There were so many things about my first marriage that should have been red flags, but I didn't recognize as "not normal" until I got out and got some perspective. The one that really stands out is that it's not normal to be pressured for sex so consistently that you just give in and have sex you don't want or enjoy in order to be able to be left alone about it for a day or so.

UnsolicitedSpiders

"Eventually I realized..."

After a while with my current boyfriend I kept being surprised at how long we'd been together. Eventually I realised it was because I'd been expecting to get that walking-on-eggshells feeling by the 6-month to 1-year mark and it hadn't happened.

You only notice the not-normal part after the fact, sometimes a long time after the fact, especially if it's your normal. I only picked up on the fact that I'd been abused by my ex several years later after watching a youtube video on the subject and realising I had all the symptoms; my friends thought I already knew.

Pseudonymico

"I only found this out..."

I only found this out after I left but being held against a wall by my neck apparently wasn't. I thought it was a normal way to make your kids listen to you when you punished them but I was very wrong.

witchybitch2006

"It seems obvious..."

Realizing that normal relationships actually made you feel good about yourself. It seems obvious but like, I spent so long feeling like crap that I thought that was how it was supposed to be. When I met my now-husband, he treated me with decency and respect and I thought "No way. This is a joke." I still have a hard time fully trusting it sometimes because I keep feeling like there's gotta be a catch. Trauma, y'all.

hdujtd

"We both were in college..."

Was in a five year relationship and after it ended I found out that alot of other couples will split bills and such. We both were in college struggling to make ends meet and I paid for every dinner and every date we went on. That was a real wake up call for me.

blastoise02

"I'll never forget the look..."

I'll never forget the look on my wife's face when on the third date I casually mentioned my ex stabbed me twice.

IPokePeople

"That's what trust is about..."

I had some questions about a conversation they had with someone else about me (needed all the facts of the scenario). They volenteered to let me read through their phone in case I didn't believe them.

That's what trust is about, you don't need to prove it to me after you gave me your word.

I think the weirdness was the insistance about trying to prove their truthfulness, like they were used to people not believing them or invading their privacy.

sneaky_sunfish

"My childhood comfort item..."

My childhood comfort item got broken during a time of great distress and he said, "You sound so annoying when you cry. I hate it so much."

CoffeeAndPizzaRolls

"He did not get angry..."

Biggest was that I had a breakdown when declining sex with my partner (who is wonderful) for the first time. He did not get angry, or sulky. He reacted with cuddles and "that's okay" type of responses. I was completely shocked. Had not been able to safely reject sex before, and my brain had simply stopped considering that as an option.

LittlePurrx

"When I wasn't allowed..."

When I wasn't allowed to be friends with men. Especially those who were single. He told me, "It's ok that you're friends with Tom because he is my friend and he has a girlfriend" But I couldn't be friends with Ryan who is in the same class as me at college.

He was extremely jealous and possessive. His first wife cheated on him and thus he projected all his crap onto me. Wasn't allowed to work for fear of chatting up with men, wasn't allowed to study (after finding out I did a project with a male classmate). I stayed home because I was scared and didn't know any better (I was with him for 9 years starting when I was 19).

jexabelle

"There were several..."

There were several but I think the biggest was when the abuse started to cross over into torture. If he was particularly mad at me, he wouldn't allow me to go to sleep at night. He would turn on all the lights, pull all the sheets and pillows off the bed. Scream at me, shake me, just so I couldn't sleep.

super_nice_shark

"There was always drama..."

There was always drama to prevent me from making other friends or spending time with them. He never outright said he didn't want me to have friends but it was obvious. I couldn't visit home without him either or see old friends there.

I started college and suddenly was getting rides from him?! It made no sense since we both had cars. He just wanted to make sure I didn't stay and made friends.

One of the final big red flags.

Even those of us that are naive things get a little too obvious.

SillyGayBoy

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People Who Stayed With A Cheater Describe The Aftermath

Reddit user Menezeris3029 asked: 'People who have stayed in a relationship after their partner cheated. How was it like after?'

man hugging woman during daytime

Carly Rae Hobbins on Unsplash

There are a lot of sayings about human nature that address bad behavior in a relationship.

One such idiom is "a leopard can't change its spots." Another is "once a cheater, always a cheater."

But is that really accurate?

Can a significant other cheat just once and never again? And even if they can, is the relationship ever truly healed?

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When I was in college, my friends and I went to Starbucks one December night. We had just taken the hardest of our finals and knew we did a terrible job and decided to go to Starbucks to cheer ourselves up.

One of my friends ordered a latte while my other friend and I ordered frappuccinos. The barista got super offended that we would have the audacity to order cold drinks on a cold night. She told us we should be ashamed of ourselves for making her make cold drinks on a cold night. Seriously!

I almost changed my order, but luckily, another barista came over to take care of us. As she put in our orders, she said the original barista we dealt with always judged people's orders and we should just ignore her.

This wasn't the last time we were judged by this barista, but we learned to ignore her opinions.

She is not the only person to get offended by something ridiculous or completely inoffensive. Redditors know this all to well and are eager to share their stories.

It all started when Redditor AdRealistic878 asked:

"What is the most ridiculous thing you've seen someone get offended by?"

A Greeting Is A Greeting...Or Not

"I had a boss get mad at me because when she said "Good morning" I responded with "Hello.""

"She got in my face and said "No.... I said 'Good morning'. Say it back.'"

"I didn't stay there long lol"

– isabelstclairs

"This reminds me of a time I was riding my bike early one morning. I was going up a steep hill, breathing hard, and a jogger running past me down the hill called out "good morning". I just nodded in their direction and continued my slog."

"The jogger stopped and yelled "hey, I said good morning!" I still can't understand the sense of entitlement, that somehow I owe them a verbal return of their greeting despite the obvious circumstances."

– FrightenedOfSpoons

"This reminds me of the first time I went backpacking. I was going up a steep subalpine mountain side on a trail that was basically a ladder made of rocks. I was breathing hard. Two men were coming down and gave a cheery “hello”. I said “hi” all redfaced and out of breath. One of them looked so offended."

– GogoYubari92

Not My Fault!

"When I worked at McDonald’s they discontinued the smartie McFlurry for a short time. When explaining to anyone who ordered one, you’d have thought I threatened their family or something with how offended people were."

– SarcastiKatt

Speak My Language

"I've seen people get very offended by a South Welsh accent. Accusing people of being racist and faking Indian accents when they're just speaking in their native accent."

"The internet is wild."

– Broshida

Freedom Of Speech?

"I was out for lunch with a colleague at a local pub and we were discussing a news story from the morning about a bus crash."

"A woman on a nearby table took great offence to this and stormed over to us and demanded we stop talking about it in public."

"We both just stared at her, not entirely sure if she was serious."

"She was."

"We carried on discussing it and she flounced out."

– ASK_IF_IM_PENGUIN

Just Trying To Help

"I politely and quietly told a woman on line at the pharmacy that the price tag was still hanging on her jacket sleeve. She went on a long loud rant about my bad behavior."

– VosTutZich

"This is why mom taught me Don't talk to strangers."

– UnicornSlayer5000

Spoilers

"I got yelled at for ‘spoiling’ the Tudors. Like my god."

– altdultosaurs

"Imagine being that uneducated that you think someone is "spoiling" the Tudors."

– narniasreal

"Making a joke about Ann Boleyn. Apparently, it was too soon."

"I wish I were joking."

– LadyoftheHounds

"Woah, people are still losing their head over it?"

– SpittinImageofLlama

This Is Nuts!

"Not me, but the Korean Nut Rage incident. The Vice President of Korean Air (daughter of the CEO) was in first class and got furious that she was served nuts (like the peanuts you get on a flight) in a packaged bag rather than a wooden bowl. She made the captain kneel and beg for forgiveness and hit him, then forced the plane to return to the gate since she'd just fired the captain. Crazy stuff."

– FancifulPeaches

Well, Obviously!

"Me growing a beard. According to my brother's mother-in-law, only junkies grow beards, and that's so they can hide their drugs in it. I kid you not!"

– Grunthos_Flatulent

Watch Out!

"I was standing with my trolley waiting & had a lady freak out “You’re going to hit my son!”. I wasn’t even moving so it was a huge overreaction, but I understood that her small son may be hidden from my view behind the trolley & she was making sure he doesn’t get hit when I do move whilst not realising he’s there."

"I looked for him but couldn’t see anything. She continued to freak out at me “Don’t hit my son!” & physically restraining my trolley which is not moving."

"It turned out she meant the adult male next to her scanning things at the self scan till. I wasn’t going to hit him anymore than any fully grown adult in the supermarket."

– stowberry

Don't Lose Your Hair!

"My kid has very curly hair. When said kid was about three years old, a random woman started berating me in public because my kid’s hair was curly. She was convinced I’d had it permed, and how horrible to do that to an innocent 3 year old. I was the worst parent ever. Apparently she’d never seen someone with naturally curly hair before?!"

– Frozen_Feet

Stay Seated

"Being offered a seat on a crowded subway. I offered a woman who was 30 years older than i was my seat . She flew into a tirade yelling nonsense."

– rayneglyons

Talk About An Overreaction!

"I’m a Vet Tech, and people will LOSE THEIR SHIT if you misgender their pets. Jesus Christ. 🤦🏻 The folks who get the most offended are:"

"1. The ones who have chosen to name their male dogs a classically effeminate name."

"2. The ones who have chosen to name their female dogs a classically masculine name."

"Had a guy walk into our animal hospital with his Briard a few weeks ago. Wasn’t a known client/patient, so we asked what the dog’s name was. He responded with “Joy.” Kept talking to the guy about our services when Joy put their paws up on the counter to look at us. I said, “do you have a question, sweet girl?” Dude recoiled like I’d just uppercut his dog through the ceiling and roars, “HE’S a BOY” before dragging the dog out the door in a huff."

– ItsStrib1978

Taylor Swift was right: You need to calm down!

man in black crew neck shirt making shushing gesture

Sander Sammy on Unsplash

Trust is key to any relationship, whether it's romantic, platonic or even just professional.

But does establishing and maintaining trust require full disclosure at all times?

In professional and platonic relationships, some mystery is understandable. Your friends and especially your coworkers don't need to be all up in your personal life.

But what about a significant other? Is there ever a reason to keep secrets from your sig-o?

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Man explaining weird theory
Photo by Usman Yousaf on Unsplash

We've all heard some things that sound too good to be true, but we've also certainly heard some things that were too weird to be true.

But as strange as they might sound, from weird scientific facts to things that people have done to animals that actually exist outside of a distant, mystical realm, there are some things that are simply, stranger than fiction.

Curious about others' takes, Redditor Former_Ladder9969 asked:

"What is a weird fact you know for some reason?"

The Draw of the Deck

"The King of Hearts is the only king without a mustache."

- MR_dizzaster

"He's also sticking a sword in his head."

- Uwumeshu

"He was shaving and missed."

- puneralissimo

Random Facts About Strangers

"Diddy, the music artist, doesn’t like the way towels feel on his skin. So instead of drying off like a normal person after a shower, he walks around his house to air dry instead."

"Why do I know this?"

"Because for some reason, this was a fact given during an old show on VH1 called 'Pop Up Videos,' where they would play a music video with random facts being shown throughout. I have zero idea why of all the vital things I should have stored in my memory, this was one that stuck after all these years."

- dabking24

Spacial Awareness

"Australia is wider than the moon."

- MrSatanachia

"I can't decide if I'm more amazed that the moon is actually way smaller than I imagined, or that Australia is way bigger than I imagined."

- 5Beans6

"This is my confusion, lol (laughing out loud)."

- TheTinyHandsofTRex

That's Commitment

"Crabs have a muscle that enables them to release their claw if they have to."

- Norwegianxrp

"It took me an incredibly long time to realize this means like… fully release it, like remove it from their body. I thought it just meant release the grip they have."

- wowowaoa

Mystical Representation

"The national animal of Scotland is a Unicorn."

- Batmans-dragon80

"Yes, that’s true. Mainly because we have so many of them roaming wild in the glens. Chasing the Haggi and avoiding Nessie."

- Bri1311

Education through Music

"Because of a song that used to constantly play on the radio I have it pretty well memorized that there are 86,400 seconds in the average day."

- Vanilla_Neko

"Because of a song on the radio, I learned that the minimum expectation for displays of love can be measured in 500 miles."

- Slight_Bodybuilder25

Where the Grass is Greener... and Newer

"There were no grasses on the earth when dinosaurs were here."

- Snowfl4ke85

"During the Jurassic and the Early Cretaceous, the higher flora was dominated by cycads, ginkgoes, conifers, and ferns. Other groups of plants included extinct seed plants with fern-like foliage. The exact origins of flowering plants are uncertain, although evidence suggests that they are not closely related to any group of modern non-flowering plants."

"Flowering plants underwent rapid radiation beginning around the middle of the Cretaceous period, and makeup around 90% of living plant species today. With the spread of these plants came the decline of previously dominant groups such as conifers. During the Cretaceous, ferns would also begin to diversify."

"The oldest known fossils of grasses are from the Early Cretaceous, with the family having diversified into modern groups by the end of the Cretaceous. The oldest large flowering trees are known from the Late Cretaceous, with the trunk having a preserved diameter of one-point-eight meters and an estimated height of 50 meters."

- UnexpectedDinoLesson

Weird Way to Say Hello

"Manatees control their buoyancy by farting. Toot toot, floaty sea cow."

- Plane-Vacation-1228

"Wait, so those bubbles you see on the water surface that signify their presence are...?"

- DismalDude77

Goals for Building the Longest Train...

"There's no maximum length to a train, you just add another engine."

- TrueGritt90

"That tracks."

- Snedro

The Smallest Philosopher

"That dead ants produce a pheromone that alerts the other ants that they need to move them to the ant graveyard."

"If a drop of this pheromone is placed on a live ant, it will take itself to the graveyard and stay there until the pheromone dissipates."

- Jessi_L_1324

"The ant: Am I dead?"

- Professional_Stay748

"That ant would make a great philosopher."

- skatalite2020

High-Risk Flights

"Some military helicopters on aircraft carriers are made of magnesium and should they catch fire, it's literally impossible to put them out as the magnesium will take the oxygen from the water and use that to keep burning."

"So the only thing that can be done is to push them overboard and even as they sink they will continue to burn until the magnesium is completely burned up."

- Strange_Stage1311

The First Scapegoat

"Some tribes of ancient people used to tie up a goat, whisper their sins to it, then allow it to 'accidentally' escape so it would carry their sins away and thus resolve them of guilt."

"It was, literally, their 'escape goat,' and that's where the term 'scapegoat' comes from."

- TheAbyssGazesAlso

The Power of Percentages

"Percentages can be reversed."

"For example, five percent of ten is ten percent of five."

- Routine_Leading_4757

"43 years and I'm only learning this now."

- TheMechTech80

Wordy Phobias

"The fear of long words is called 'hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia.'

- Illustrious_Hawk_734

"Also, the fear of palindromes is called 'aibohphobia,' which just goes to show that the people who name phobias are a**holes."

- PhoenixMason13

"The question is, who even has a fear of palindromes?"

- ConduckKing

"Eve, Bob, and Hannah."

- Lostarchitorture

Not only are these facts unexpected, but it's wild to think that some of them are true.

But the simple, plain truth is that the truth is always all that simple. It can be weird and hard to believe, and yet, there it is.