Pretension happens when somebody feels the need to justify what they're saying but doesn't want to own up to their own insecurity about it. Out of pretension, we have a rolodex of choice phrases in the collective unconscious that make us all bristle just a little but whenever we hear them.
Here were some of the hair-raising answers.
Never Alone (But Seriously)Giphy
"Am I the only one ... ?"
No. You are never the only one.
I've only ever heard people use that phrase before saying the most popular as f*ck opinion imaginable. "Am i the only one who's sick of cancer?" "Am i the only one sick of working my *ss off for nothing?" "Am i the only one sick of [Unpopular politician]?" No Karen, everyone agrees with you. Stop pretending you're some special snowflake for sharing the same opinion as everyone else.
The Guilt Trip
"There are starving kids in Africa"
Hang on let me just fax my food to them
What really grinds my gears is how this is used by people who have a lot to pacify people who have much less (but aren't so poor they are severely malnourished).
If only the very worst off people were allowed to complain, we'd still be sending children down into the mines and telling them "Could be worse, you could be an orphan, have cancer and be missing an arm".
"I am who I am and if you don't like it, that's your issue, not mine." Variations of this is ALWAYS (in my experience at least) said by toxic people who seek to justify their sh*ttiness with self-proclaimed individuality.
When your boss asks why you built a small border wall between you and your coworker, tell them the truth. I'm sure they'll understand.
Deutschland Am Deutschland
I'm german. Whenever the ISS is mentioned on the TV the moderator says "Die internationale Raumstation ISS" which translates to "the international space station ISS" which means "the international space station international space station"
Yes, they probably do that because not everone knows what the ISS is but it still annoys me, especially when I was younger.
The Blood Of The CovenantGiphy
But she's your moooooooother, but faaaaaaaaaamly, or something similar.
Just because we're related by blood doesn't mean you get a free pass to be an *ss.
My step dad's mom is my family. Despite only knowing her for 3.5 years before she passed from cancer. I often joked with her that she was my new grandpa. I broke down crying when she died, I also broke down when I was listed as a surviving grandchild in her obituary.
I can't say that I will feel much when my grandma's ex husband will.
Dads Are Parents Too
"Mister mom" - usually said by people when I mention my husband being a stay at home dad.
No, he's a parent in his own right, taking care of our kids in his own way. He's not a male me.
This kinda thing gets to me. My wife joined the Air Force after four years of me working at a soul crushing job being severely underpaid for my time.
I'm a parent, not a babysitter, I'm not "watching the kids while my wife is away".
The worst is when I'm out with both my kids and someone insinuates that I'm giving my wife a break. I haven't had a full nights sleep in two weeks f*ck off.
I Can't See Without My Glasses!
Me: "I can't find my glasses"
Dad: "Where did you put it?"
Me: "IF I CAN REMEMBER WHERE I PUT IT, IT WOULDN'T BE LOST!!!"
There Is No Rhyme, No Reason
Everything happens for a reason.
Go say that to people who have lost babies due to miscarriage or SIDS or anything else. In fact, day it to anyone who has lost anyone or anything that mattered to them.
My dad had an affair that ended my parents' 35 year marriage. He called me to apologize, say he was at fault, etc. I was nearly ready to forgive him until he ended with "but I believe everything happens for a reason."
Yeah, the reason this happened is because you were an *sshole who made poor choices and only thought of yourself.
It Ain't No 'Theory' You Swine
"______ is just a theory."
A scientific theory isn't just a hunch or guess. It's more like a question that's been put through a lot of tests. And when a theory emerges consistent with the facts, the truth is with science.
Those are lyrics to a damn children's song. This concept is so simple that we sing it to children. And yet we get politicians dismissing evolution and climate change and such as "just theories", and millions of grown adults parrot it. It's pathetic.
Because What You're Saying Triggers [X Emotion], LINDA.Giphy
"Why are you getting so [x emotion]?" I'll admit that I have less control over my emotions than most, even discounting my anxiety, but if you really expect people to just be able to turn emotions on and off at will in order to suit your own desires there is a serious problem with how you perceive the world.