Intentioally doing things wrong to annoy people is super fun and really never gets old. The best ways are subtle, like mispronouncing words or reversing the order in which something is supposed to be done.
Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.
Okay, credit due.
I open by potato chips bags from the bottom for two reasons: the crumbs (and the flavour) get redistributed all over the bigger pieces of chips when you flip the bag, and when you actually get to the bottom, you find the big undamaged chips covered in seasoning, not the useless crumbs.
Dude that's a legit LPT.
Technically, you're going to bother everyone. Cheers.
I like to use the word "technically" in unnecessary situations.
I own a brown couch, so I'll say "technically my couch is brown."
I love using approximately for definite things. "I have approximately 2 eyes."
The subtle protest.
Whenever the congregation at church sings Battle Hymn of the Republic, I always switch the words to an old camp song set to the same tune about sleeping naked. Since everyone else is singing the right words, no one can tell I'm not.
The words are: I wear my pink pajamas in the summer when it's hot And I wear my flannel nighty in the winter when it's not Oh and sometime in the springtime Oh and sometimes in the fall I jump between the sheets with NOTHING ON AT ALL! Glory glory hallelujah Glory glory what's it to ya? Balmy breezes blowin' through ya With nothing on at all!
Or maybe it goes like this....
Man: Hello and welcome to our church, new member!
Woman: Oh thank you so much. I am so excited.
Man: Is there anything that we can do to help you get acclimated?
Woman: Not really-- Well I did notice that the person sitting next to me sings about sleeping naked during one of the songs. I am a little concerned.
Man: Oh don't mind him none. He has been doing it for years and we figure that he is just special. Tourette's and all that, you know.
Woman: Oh bless his heart.
This is just gritty.
I like to use the phrase "tomato, tomato" in text form, and also pronounce them the same verbally.
I say, "tomato, potato," pronounced opposite ways. Really gets under people's skin for some reason.
I prefer potato, potato. But you know what they say.
Keep the debate going.
One day in high school my friends had a rabid debate over the pronunciation of caramel candy. One said CARmul and the other, care-a-mel. They asked me to mediate the disagreement and I have been pronouncing it ca-RAM-el ever since.
Ah, the classic putting the emPHAsis on the wrong sylLABle.
RAS: Redundant Acronym Syndrome syndrome.
I say "you only Yolo once!" I stole it from workaholics and it makes people angry when I say it.
RIP in peace
Makes more sense than "bless you" IMO.
When people sneeze, I tell them "Congratulations" instead of "Bless you". Everyone I tell does a double take and asks me why.
I had a professor in college who said it, and I asked him why. He told me that in ancient Rome people would say "congratulations" to a sneeze because they believed you were ejecting a disease from your body. Idk if that's true or not but it's fun to say.
I say bless you when people burp.
Then when someone says "but I didn't sneeze, I burped", you can tell them you're a crossblesser.
I call my son's electronics every name but what they are. Usually I call the iPad a Kindle but yesterday I called it an "iKindle" and he looked like he died on the inside. It wouldn't be so hilarious if he didn't take it so seriously.
So you call everything a Playstation except for the Playstation, which is a Nintendo?
You get it! And if he ever gets a Switch it will definitely be called a Gameboy. The trick is to say it with a straight face.
When I eat Pop-Tarts, I always eat the sides first then the top/bottom edges before eating the center with all the icing.
I pretty much do the same thing with sandwiches and kit kats but people are usually shocked I eat the "worst" part of the pop tart first when it's actually my favorite.
I do that too, but because I think it's the worst part. Gets it out of the way first so I can enjoy the middle. But if that's your favorite part, more power to you.
This actually makes sense.
I dont ask people for pieces of paper. I ask them for slices of paper.
Slices of paper and a stick of pencil.
I eat burgers and sandwiches in a circular pattern. Get the overly bready part out of the way so the remaining 75% of the burger or sandwich has a proper, enjoyable bread:meat ratio.
I eat burgers upside down. The top half of the bun is usually thicker and doesn't break into pieces as often.
My week starts on Mondays, I don't care what any calendar says.
I worked at a movie theater for years and our "week" started on Friday because that's when most new movies come out. Messed me up for years.
This is really sensible.
Dry off while I'm still in the shower. Why am I going to get anything else wet for no reason?
I didn't know people got out before drying off. My boyfriends roommate does it and gets the WHOLE floor soaking wet, which then gives me wet socks! I always just assumed he was dumb
Oxford commas are beautiful.
AP guidelines say don't use the Oxford comma. I made a point to use it all the time when I wrote for the school paper. Screw the AP. Commas save lives.
Edit: To be clear, in this case, AP stands for associated press, not advanced placement like the AP courses.
The Oxford comma is amazing. All it does is provide clarity. I don't know why AP would be against that
EDIT: Since people are seeing and responding in similar ways, I'll acknowledge where there are cases that make it seem unclear, but honestly even without it the ordering of the sentence makes it seem unclear to me. Also printing presses I guess.
I feel really validated by this.
I put sugar and cream in my coffee cup before I pour in my coffee, that way I don't have to stir anything.