Top Stories

People Share Their 'If I'm Going Down, I'm Taking You With Me' Stories

We're in this together, no matter what!

People Share Their 'If I'm Going Down, I'm Taking You With Me' Stories
Photo by Afif Kusuma on Unsplash

Nobody walks out of life unscathed. That fact is just a given. Now whether we're tarnished by our own hand or another is a different story. We all get ourselves into situations where we realize... "uh-oh, I'm screwed!" But then how many of us decide that going down alone is not an option. Often we tend to burn the building and it's inhabitants with us.

Redditor q6u8g2 wanted everyone to share shoot a warning to others in a 'just in case' scenario by asking...

People of Reddit what's your "If I'm going down I'm taking you with me." Story?

Into the Lake....

"Super simple, but I am notorious in my friend group of having a fear of water. I'm okay in pools since you can (hopefully) see the bottom but even shallow lakes rivers and oceans are a no go for me. Some friends ended up renting a boat and wanted to take it out on the lake and beeeeegged me to come out. I kept telling them no way in heck would I ever willingly go out and sit in the middle of a lake."

"Finally I caved because I dunno. They were friends and really wanted me to go. Someone said it could really help me face my fears. Even though I didn't plan on getting in the water, I'm not going to wear jeans to the sunny "beach" so I left my wallet, keys, and phone in the car. Within 10 minutes of getting to the middle of the lake, buddy who suggested I "face my fears" and I think his brother ask me if I got the time. I shrug and tell them I left my phone back in my car."

"They both lunge at me and start throwing me overboard. I latch on for dear life and fight as if the river is lava because to me it essentially is. I eventually realize I'm 100% going over and there is nothing I can do. Except let go of the railing I was gripping onto and instead grab them both as I pulled back and forced all three of us into the water."

"Getting back on the boat was easy, it had a little ramp and ladder for climbing in/out and you can bet your butt I was the first climbing back up. The brothers got mad at me because they had their phones in their pockets and I ruined them. But everyone quickly pointed out that they pushed me in the water knowing I hated it and that they deserved it. They argued that they intentionally tried to make sure I didn't have anything electronic on me but everyone shut them down."

"They were allowed back on the boat when they apologized. My friend apologized and I actually did chip in to help him get a new phone later, but his brother swam back to shore and got even more upset and demanded I help him with his new phone since I helped his brother. But he didn't feel bad or think he did anything wrong so forget that guy." RedditWhileWorking23

Bad Plumbing.

Giphy

"My next door neighbor kept picking my plum tree dry when I would go out of town so I cut it down out of frustration. No plum jelly for anyone." foxglovingly

Becky's Butt! 

"I had a group project I had to do with 4 other people. 3 out of the 4 were great, but there were roles each of us had to fill in the group for the project to work right. The final girl never once participated in the project, so her role was completely empty and it was dragging the rest of us down."

"(We couldn't just fill in for her either because she kept her specific instructions to herself)"

"The other 3 and I did the best we could, but our instructor didn't seem impressed. He had a few questions about how we came to our conclusion and who did what in the group."

"The other 3 were trying to keep focus on the roles they filled but the instructor was asking about the role that the one girl skipped out on."

"I answered that we didn't have anything from that role because what's her butt didn't come to any of the project sessions. We just did what we could without her."

"Until that point, the girl that didn't do shit was standing there acting like she deserved any of the grade we all got."

"Once I said something, the other 3 girls confirmed that yes, Becky's butt did 0% of the work. She tried to say she was just really busy but another girl shut her down by saying she saw her at several parties the past couple weeks."

"That girl got a 0 and the rest of us got like an 85 or around that number. I felt like a snitch, but forget that girl." Careless_Hellscape

 "they need a better seat to view the board."

"When you are in trouble at school, it helps that you're related to someone who works for the school district."

"I had a math teacher my junior year of high school who was also the cheerleading coach and she worshipped every student who was an athlete. And she hated theatre kids. She would make theatre kids (or basically any non-athlete) trade seats with a student athlete because "they need a better seat to view the board." She basically told us that student athletes' education was more important than ours."

"One day, the drama club was planning a field trip the same day of a really big math test. My math teacher was already fully aware of the field trip and said that the theatre kids are allowed to take the test at another time."

"Well, the day of the field trip comes, and she pretends she is unaware of the field trip. She called up our drama teacher and threw a tantrum that the theatre kids were missing. We then got in trouble with the drama teacher, and we received a zero on the math test."

"I told my aunt (a math teacher, AND the head of the math department for the whole entire school district) about this, and she looked into it. Teacher didn't get fired, but got in trouble. Well, she found out that it was my aunt that reported her, and now she was purposely failing me. I actually had no trouble in math especially since my aunt was tutoring me, and I was doing well, so there was no reason why I was failing except for the fact that the teacher wanted revenge on me for getting her in trouble."

"So this time I tell my aunt, but in a different way. I say that my teacher's material is not making sense (which was actually true, she had no idea what she was doing) and my aunt called her up and asked her what she plans on teaching her students. My teacher was caught by surprise and didn't know how to exactly answer my aunt and kept giving bs answers. My aunt then looked into it some more, and confirmed that basically, the teacher had no idea what she was doing. And well, she got fired."

"I did have to take summer school since I still failed her class, but I basically ended her teaching career." kumquat_kutiekumquat_kutie

The Fourth Guy....

Giphy

"In a tech writing class I took there was a group project that saw all students separated into groups of four."

"We figured out what sort of assignment we were doing and decided up responsibilities. It became obvious from day one that our forth team member had no interest in contributing and planned to just skate by on whatever grade we got."

"Rather than accept that I went straight to the professor, told her what I thought was going on and asked to either be reassigned or even allowed to do the project solo rather than settle for a lesser grade due to one crappy team mate."

"She offered a better deal for me to bring back to the two contributing team mates: we do a three man presentation and if our lame duck fourth doesn't have anything to contribute he would be graded singularly."

"I tried throughout the duration of the project to get him on board and involved but he blew off every opportunity to contribute."

"Presentation day came and the three of us who worked got top marks... then the Professor came up and called out our forth guy in front of the entire class."

"I told you all on day one I don't tolerate free-loaders in my class. <Fourth Guy> contributed nothing to his team's project so he will not receive his team's grade. Provide nothing, get nothing."

"He never showed up for another class, but he also never withdrew. The fool ended up with an F in the course. Couple other folks in the class knew him, I learned later that he did this for multiple classes that semester and ended up getting kicked out the next semester." The5Virtues

Parents Explain Which Things Surprised Them Most When Their Child Moved Out | George Takei’s Oh Myyy

Being a Newbie....

"In one of my first jobs, a colleague who was threatened by me (the new worker, shy, inexperienced, learning little by little, just out of college), was slowly putting ideas in the head of my boss until I get fired."

"The day after I was fired there was a meeting with the boss and other important positions in which I had been working hard to make a good impression. I knew who would take all the credit, the lazy bastard who had stabbed me in the back."

"It turns out that one of the things that I knew how to do was synchronize the files on my personal computer to an internet cloud, in order to have my files available at home."

"I knew that my partner was too lazy and would not thoroughly review the documents, so from the comfort of my home I modified the presentation. Some information here and there, nothing excessive and like the icing on the cake a hidden message after a photograph on the last panel that would only be visible during the presentation:"

"Thank you for not paying attention to the erroneous data and not looking at the information that does not match in the least with what I exposed, I'm glad nobody will notice because they are not interested and will not ask any crap."

"I would like to have been there, but as far as I knew the whole floor hear the screams of my boss."

"I know, it wasn't very mature, but it was satisfying." CiusWarren

Out of Publix. 

"When I was a little kid, my mom made me hold her hand to cross the street out of Publix (ya know, as parents do). She slipped on a wet spot on the street, screamed "sucker!", and yanked me down with her. Then she had some kind of misfired reflex, and slapped her hand over my face to try to cushion my fall (I guess?). At the time, I thought my mom was randomly trying to assault me or smth right in the damn parking lot." TheWholeOfHell

Scissor Sisters. 

"Growing up my best friend and I got in trouble for cutting up brand new, expensive jeans to make shorts. Her mom was (rightfully) screaming at me, so I said, "what about [her daughter], she asked me to and handed me the scissors?" and got us both grounded so at least we could sit together in her room lol." Lockshala

Hospital Horror.

Giphy

"Had an absolutely terrible boss at a hospital. She had been there for almost 30 years and was almost omnipotent. She was an absolutely horrendous human being in every way shape and form. She liked to pick one person everyday at random that worked with her and pick on them until they cried. She would then fake false feelings about how sorry she was, that she didn't mean to do it, and so on. Our department ran the Toys for Tots drive at our hospital. She insisted that all toys were kept in her office."

"It didn't take me long to figure out she was stealing the toys. I took photographic evidence as well as writing down everything I could in the ensuing months about everything she was doing. I knew at this point she knew that I did not like her and that I had pretty much figured out what she was about so she turned her attention to me and made my life miserable. I finally did quit, however, I made it my mission to take her with me. Everyone in the hospital, including the CEO, we're somewhat afraid of her and we're just trying to get her to her 30 years so she could go out naturally."

"After I quit I sent photos and all of my written documentation to the CEO of the hospital who I had tried to talk about all of this stuff with before I left but could tell he was not listening. I then wrote if she was not dealt with I was going to notify the local news channels about what I knew was going on with her. Needless to say she was forced to retire immediately upon her 30th anniversary, which was a week away." Ande64

Try Me. 

"I worked for a corrupt business owner for a business that had a reputation for being bad."

"Anyway, I had to work for him because I didn't have another job."

"After years of watching him rip off his clients, I finally caught him in the act."

"I quit. He threatened to sue me for breach of contract and stealing clients (I hadn't stolen anyone). He went so far as to have papers served on me and my new employer."

"I called his attorney and reminded him I knew what boss had done and would love to have the opportunity to ask him a few questions about his billing practices."

"Lawyer said he'd call back. Half an hour later, the lawyer told me it was over." SouthernBoundandDown

Squad Pics....

Giphy

"When I was stationed in Korea my sergeant threatened to tell command I was drinking underage. Fortunately I had pictures of our squad drinking and he was present so I told I would show them to command if he told on me." Careaga57

Chewed Up/Spit Out! 

"I was rock climbing and this guy who was my belayer for the day was kind of a fool. Well no surprise, this fool spends most of his time flirting with a cute girl who is friendly but seriously not into him. He gets chewed out by our lead for not paying attention, which means he continues to not pay attention as he is incapable of picking up cues. Well, there's me, twenty five feet or so off the ground with my rope slack and feeling my hands slipping because I'm just running out of steam."

"Now having told him three times to pick up the slack, I look down and see he's completely ignoring me to chat with this girl again. My mistake was looking down, as I reach to re-adjust my weakening hold and slip. The rope shoots out of his limp, sausage like fingers and I began to fall (I know a properly tied off rope shouldn't do that. I don't know how he f---ed that up too). My only thought is if I'm going to fall, I'll damn well land on him."

"Well I did. I landed straight on his cushy body. I was barely injured. He was taken to hospital after having 80 odd kilos land on him from two stories up. I never happened to see him at that rock climbing club again." BlazingBeagle

Labor & Industry....

"I once worked for a startup company, and they missed one of my paychecks. It wasn't a gigantic deal to me because they were a bit strapped for cash and we had a big release coming soon, and I was decently paid anyway, so I just said "forget it."

"They then fired me two days before release, making it sound like I had been inadequate despite zero indication from them that I was such before that day."

"So I made the proper legal arrangements to recoup my missing paycheck and told them I'd be going to Labor & Industry (I had already filed a complaint) because if they were going to fire me after I worked 70 hours a week for over a month to try and meet their deadline, out of nowhere, I sure as heck wasn't going to cut them the slack of an entire paycheck. I got my paycheck, they went out of business because they were corrupt and had been misusing investor funds for years before this unbeknownst to me, and I laughed my way to the bank." minigunman123

Go Figure!

"When I was in University I did a six month exchange program in Spain. I took 4 classes while I was there and all had an equivalent credit at my university in Canada. I was getting As in all of my classes except one class where I was really struggling and getting a failing grade on an assignment in that class finally broke me. The prof for this class was the worst. It was an intermediate Spanish class and he was marking us like he thought we should all be writing Shakespeare. Not only that but how he told us to complete assignments vs how he marked them would be completely incongruent. He expected us to be doing things that he never taught us and he should not have been expecting in the first place from an intermediate Spanish class."

"I realized it wasn't just my problem when the girl from France, whose Spanish was far better than anyone else in the class, started crying one day after she got an assignment back and begging to understand why she was marked so poorly. He just pointed at her assignment like that was the only explanation required and then ignored her after that. There was no way to drop the class or switch into another because of the way it was built into the exchange program so I decided I would start emailing the teacher constantly after he gave us assignments, clarifying every little point, coming back with follow up questions to try and figure out what the heck it was he actually wanted from us, spending way more time on assignments than they deserved. That way if I failed I would have this record showing how hard I was working in the class to bring to administration if I needed to fight it and all the discrepancies between how he provided assignments vs how he marked them."

"A couple of days before the final exam teacher evaluation forms came around and I could tell by how long it took all of us to turn them in that I wasn't the only one in the class unloading on this guy. This was his first semester teaching at the university so if his teacher evaluations didn't go well he wouldn't be invited back. If I failed this class then at least that ahole wouldn't be doing this to someone else next semester."

"We get our final marks a week later and I've managed to pull a C- out of my butt. Great, just squeaked by. Then with final marks dispersed he's allowed to see his teacher evaluations. He sent an email to the entire class that night and lost his friggin' mind. We're talking sections with all caps, multiple exclamation marks, telling us how stupid we all are and how we don't know what we're talking about. He's the greatest teacher alive and we're all just bad students. Complete meltdown. The next morning I found another email, from the university this time, stating that professor fool is no longer with the university and will not be welcome back again followed by numerous apologies regarding his behavior. I inquired about our grades in light of what happened but I guess they weren't that apologetic because they refused to change them. Go figure." FantasmaEnLaMaquina

"Not a chance, she's royally screwed."

Giphy

"Current job, previous manager. I was on a team of 2, and when the lady I worked alongside with quit, they decided not to replace her. I have a young child, who as children so often do, gets sick a lot. Being the only person on my team (and the most important role for our office to function since it is literally the first step in all our processes), I had a very hard time whenever I used my PTO with short notice. I had given my manager multiple ways to fix the issue, but she never would hear any of it."

"She also was in a remote office so she had 0 clue what I did with my day. She finally sent me a very angry email basically telling me I could not use my PTO for emergencies all the time when my son got sick. I wrote back a long, detailed list of every method I suggested to fix the issue, along with the fact that I was the only person in my position for months, and that our company policy states in bold letters that using PTO because you or your loved one is sick is not only acceptable, but encouraged. My manager responded to my email by stating she would forward my concerns to HR and that I should probably polish up my resume."

"But HR was in our office that day. For the first time in 6 months. Great coincidence, right? So I went in, asked if I could speak about an issue concerning my manager, and explained everything as it happened. The HR rep had this look on her face like she was going to murder someone. She asked me to forward the entire email chain to her, which I did. Then she called me back to talk to her. A few people I talked to were aware that the manager and I had issues, and the lead of every team in our office basically told the HR rep that the entire office can't function without me and that I've been doing the work of 3 people for 9 months."

"Later that day, my manager sent me a very angry message over email basically saying I was fired and that I was to pack my things immediately for failing to do my job and because I was causing a hostile work environment. I forwarded this to HR rep, and then walked to her office and asked if I should pack my stuff. She looked at me, and in a single, sweet sentence said "Not a chance, she's royally screwed." And that's basically how my manager went from making $80k a year to being fired on a Wednesday with no compensation, no benefits, and no way to collect unemployment. All around a productive day." tysquirt

Back in the 8th.....

"When I was in 8th grade, we had to create a presentation on a book we had just read, including a skit from one of the scenes. Here's the best part- we were forced to work in groups. Being an introvert, I hate group work. What I hate even more is when your group mates don't do their work. The day we were assigned the project, we decided to divvy up the slides equally. It was a Google Slides, so we could all contribute to the same document. The class ended, and I had already finished one of my slides. One boy only changed the color of the title, and the other two didn't do anything. Two days later, I had finished all of my slides. Nobody else had done anything. I offered to start the script for the skit since I had finished, and asked for the others to contribute. Nothing. A couple more days passed, I had finished the skit as well, and all of the other slides were still empty."

"Finally, the night before the assignment was due came. I had hoped that even a title had been added. The slides were still empty. I finally decided to just finish it myself. I was up until about midnight, and the slides were not the best quality. Finally, presentation day comes. Of course, my group mates felt absolutely no remorse for doing no work. It was our turn to present, and my group mates nominated me to present. I finally decided to show them the consequences of their actions. I told them that we were all to present the slides we were supposed to work on. They obviously didn't know what they were doing and were extremely unprepared. My grade went down, but theirs went down even more." bmay1310

SPLAT!! 

"My Grandma lived on a main road in Miami, she had grapefruit tress in her yard that grew HUGE grapefruits. When I was little, my older brothers taught me to roll the grapefruits out into traffic and watch them splat as the cars drove by. They couldn't see where the fruits were coming from because we hid behind the bushes to launch them. It was kinda like reverse frogger; the goal was to get a good splat."

"When I was 15, grandma's health was declining, so my family stayed at her house for a couple days to get it cleaned out and ready to sell. I decided it would be fun to take my younger brothers out and show them grapefruit splat. After about 10 minutes of us hurling double digit grapefruits out into traffic, One of us rolled a big, fat grapefruit right in front of a cop car without paying attention. We all ran to the backyard, but when I looked out front, my youngest brother Barry was still out there. Apparently he froze up."

"I come walking up hurriedly to the police officers and tried to play it off... "what seems to be the problem, officer?" I asked. "Who are you and where are this boy's parents?" he asked. I replied "I'm his older brother. My parents are at the grocery store, so I'm babysitting until they get back." The cop was super chill and goes "OK, well, your brother was rolling grapefruits out into traffic, so we just stopped to explain to him why that's dangerous." I looked over to Barry and winked to let him know that we were about to be off the hook and I said to the cop "I'm so sorry, I'll make sure to have a talk with him and it won't happen again." Well, Barry misread my wink as a taunt, so he looks up at the cops and goes "HE'S the one who showed us how to do it! He ran away when you stopped. And my dad's not gone, he's inside!"

"The cop looks down at me with a huge grin and says "let's go see dad." I proceeded to get a huge butt-kicking for bringing my brothers into something dangerous, then grounded for lying to the cops." jerk-ohjerk-oh

"Wait! Yams is in the corner under the cart!"

"In 7th grade my teacher decided to use process drama to teach about the Holocaust. He told us we can hide anywhere in the building and if we successfully evade him looking for us, we will get a bunch of extra credit. Conversely, if we are caught, we will get 5 points for each other classmate we rat out. I hid successfully in the computer class under a spare tv cart that barely fit me."

"My soon-to-be-not-friend had chosen poorly in the same room and was easily found. Upon walking out I very clearly remember him yelling, "Wait! Yams is in the corner under the cart!" I can't remember being so mad at someone. Ratted out for a mere 5 points?! I yelled at him and def overreacted. The lesson being a process drama, that was kind of the point... To experience the fear and potential rage at your neighbors for ratting you out."

"(For those of you who don't know, this lesson style is to give the student first-hand emotional connection to whichever content you'd like to teach. It's incredibly effective)." Yams_Garnett

You're Not Gonna Do It! 

"My uncle used to own a hardware store in our crappy little town. He wanted to put up a cover between two buildings that he owned but the town council wouldn't let him. They never gave any real reason like, "we need to leave the area uncovered because of XYZ building codes." They just went on a power trip and said, "you're not gonna do it!"

"Eventually due to some other power trips my uncle threatened to move his shop a few towns over. Town council went all, "you're not gonna do it!" in a "I dare you" way. So my uncle did just that."

"If I remember correctly he paid the most in taxes so all the money the town was getting from him disappeared. Most of his employees were in high school and couldn't drive. When he moved the kids went with him. Since the parents had to drive their kids to their job they decided they would also pick up groceries and other things they needed while they were in the new town. So the cloth shop and grocery store went out out business. Since no one could get what they needed in our small town just about everyone moved."

"Now the town is run down and there's barely anything here. My dad said it used to be a nice little town. Now hardly anyone lives here and everything is falling in. My uncle even warned the council, "if I leave I will take this town with me." But they didn't listen." iamliterallyinsane

Dive Deep!

Giphy

"Dad pushed me into the pool but before I fell in I grabbed his arm. 😎" DreamGirl3

Well some of these certainly took a turn!

Do you have similar stories to share? Let us know in the comment section below.

Want to "know" more?

Sign up for the Knowable newsletter here.

Never miss another big, odd, funny, or heartbreaking moment again.

Things People Discovered After A First Date That Were A Total Deal-breaker

Reddit user tjeast asked: 'What did you find out after a first date that was a deal-breaker?'

Woman cringing
Photo by OSPAN ALI on Unsplash

As much as we would love to be able to date one person, for that to be the right person for us, and for the two of us to get on with our life together, we all know it's going to take at least a few tries to find the perfect match.

But some of these matches make us want to throw in the towel.

You've got to listen to your gut (and your eyes) when you sense a red flag.

Redditor tjeast asked:

"What did you find out after a first date that was a deal-breaker?"

Just... A Couple... Of Red Flags

"I found out that he had restraining orders against him from not one, but two exes. He also asked if he could move in with me on the first date."

- lalalabeeee

An Ex Collector

"On the surface, he was a lawyer with an Ivy League degree. Then just one layer deep, he had six kids with five different women."

"One of his exes hated him so much that she took their kids to Germany to get away from him."

"And the kicker (yes, more than the Germany ex)? His youngest was six months old and he was sleeping on his latest ex's couch."

- Banjo-Becky

Questionable Connections

"I met up for drinks with a woman, and she started telling me about how she thought I’d get along with her brother. After a couple of drinks, we ended up at the bar where her brother worked. He's a h**l of a guy."

"We kept playing hair metal on the jukebox and drinking beers. She went from saying I would get along with her brother to I remind her of her brother. The more she drank, the more she said it."

"We ended up making out, and she started repeating the s**t about her brother while trying to get something going with me."

"I made sure she got home safe, but that s**t creeped me out so much that I never spoke to her again."

- weeew87

Secret Babies

"Prior to our first date, he said he didn't have any kids."

"While he was driving me home after our first date, he mentioned that he hated letting his baby mama use his car because she always messed with the radio stations and that it took forever to get his seat adjusted back to how he liked it."

"I was just out of high school and wasn't looking to date anyone with kids. With how disrespectful he was during our date, finding out that he had a kid was an automatic deal breaker for me."

"He then kept calling and texting me and after I blocked his number he kept creating new social media accounts to get a hold of me because he wanted to go for a second date and kept bringing up that he was making good money so I'd be an idiot to say no to him."

- 2baverage

Specific Looks Wanted

"My date kept trying to braid my hair, lol (laughing out loud). At first, it seemed weird, but not like a deal-breaker, but then he KEPT asking."

"The first time he asked, we were walking through the park, and I was telling a story, but he interrupted me, asking, 'Can I please braid your hair?'"

"I laughed, politely said no, and continued talking, but he kept interrupting, asking to braid my hair."

"I asked why, but all he said was, 'I just want to braid it,' and kept reaching for my head. I swatted his hand away a few times, and when that didn't work, I told him I was ready to go home."

"It was so creepy!"

- TheDahliaXO

Her Body, Not His Plans

"He told me that he couldn’t wait to have kids with me and that he had picked out our kids’ names."

"When I told him that this was our first date and that I wasn’t sure about kids and that this was a super creepy thing to say to me, he insisted it was my duty as a woman and that it would make me very happy."

"Yeah, there was no second date."

- NymeriasWrath

Just Practicing for Thanksgiving!

"He was a felon. He had a really unbelievable story about being locked out of his ex’s house and he broke in while JUST HAPPENING to be holding a rifle from Turkey hunting. Terrifying."

- _lmmk_

Very Different Interests

"She got off on watching the guys she was with get in fights. She gave some dude the come-f**k-me eyes and then expected me to brawl when he came up to hit on her. F**k no, girl, maybe you can catch a ride home with him."

- discussatron

No Third Wheels

"Her other guy showed up in the middle of our date. She said, 'Can I talk with him for a minute?'"

"I said, 'Sure,' and then walked out the door and never looked back."

- New2ThisThrowaway

Not a Good Morning

"She was married. We met at a bar and left together. We went and had dinner, saw a movie, and she spent the night."

"The next morning she said, 'I wonder if my husband figured out I didn’t come home.'"

"Then she asked me for a ride to work, and I got a ticket because she didn’t wear her seatbelt."

- PM_ME_THEM_TACOS_GURL

Totally Wrong

​"He asked me to pay for his court fees, that was my turn-off, so I wanted to leave to end the date."

"I said my goodbyes, and then he threatened to tell the whole restaurant I was having an affair and cheated on him if I left."

"I stayed in fear of embarrassment."

"Later, I excused myself to the restroom where I made my escape to the door. He saw me from the window."

"I saw him coming out, so I ran a bit, and when I looked back, he was chasing me. (I got away, but wow.)"

- Ok-Ambassador-8982

Supporting the Arts

"He was a really bad magician. He brought cards and everything, but he couldn’t land a trick."

"I felt bad and took him up on a second date, but that was it."

- Durdengrl322

Financial Investments

"He lost a pile of money in crypto and NFTs. But he still tried to convince me to get my money into it."

- hanginwithyuka

"Some people cannot be saved from themselves."

- Creative_Recover

Unrealized Love

"I think she was in love with her best friend and didn't realize it."

"She told me she and her long-time best friend she called her 'wifey' lived together in a single room with the friend's baby. She said that this friend always comes first and they're inseparable. They also have gotten kicked out like three times from house to house."

"She left the date early because whoever they were renting from was threatening to kick them out."

"We never really talked again but I wanted to tell her she shouldn't be dating because she's already in a relationship."

- PupEDog

We've all heard of first date fails, terrible dates in general, and big relationship deal-breakers, but just the same, we can completely understand how these were such major deal-breakers.

From lying about their real life to trying to involve us in something we're not interested in, there are some people who are simply not meant for us because their lives are just too different from ours. And that's okay!

Man wearing pink shirt and sitting with legs crossed inside an art gallery.
Ryan Spencer/Unsplash

One of the lamest ways to insult someone is by describing their behavior as being gay.

The attempt at emasculating a perceived straight heterosexual male by comparing his actions to something that a homosexual male might do is a common form of mockery by alpha males.

Examples include mocking a guy who gets manicures, wears pink, or sits with his legs crossed. "Gay, gay gay," says the immature antagonizer.

Typically, the ribbing occurs between friends and is not prompted by verbal attacks.

Still, this casual form of bullying can be tiresome and only perpetuates misconceptions and stereotypes that can be harmful to the LGBTQ+ community.

Strangers online shared their experiences being targeted when Redditor Spagoobli0 asked:

"What is the dumbest thing people called you gay for?"

Apparently, maintaining good hygiene is so gay.

Being Clean

"i was called gay for showering daily."

– ilive4manass

"with other men?"

– intheken

Scrubbing The Backside

"I was told it was gay to wash my a**. The guy was recently evicted for defecating on his own floor for 6 months and not paying taxes."

– my-recent-throwaway

Pro-Tip

"In boot camp we shower with other dudes. I had someone call me gay in the shower for washing my a**. As if the only reason for washing my a** is to make it presentable for someone else. Nah, dude, I just don’t want skid marks in the tighty whities they make us wear."

"It’s not even like I was doing it weird. Like if I was bent over spreading my cheeks so everyone could see my brown eye, that would be one thing. But I literally just took a handful of suds and ran it down the crack a couple times because, pro tip to my fellow dudes; the water running down your back is not enough to clean the part of you that poop comes out of."

– Morningxafter

Lotion Up

"I once had a friend of mine stop by before we were going to meet some people for brunch. I had just taken a shower and gotten dressed when he walked in the front door (I always had a just walk in policy, suburban life). I have pretty dry skin so I was putting on a bit of moisturizing lotion. First words out of his mouth were 'moisturizing? That’s pretty gay isn’t it?' I said 'If feeling like I don’t want to scrape my skin off is gay, whip out the d*cks!'”

– bg-j38

Keeping up with appearances is hard enough.

The Damaging Effects

"'Gay' was the first 'dis' I ever heard, I had no idea what it meant for like a year. I just knew it was the worst thing to be. My whole generation struggled with that and I really feel for the people who had to come out to friends and family when I was young, it must have been really tough. I came out as bi about 6 or 7 years ago and that was pretty brutal, and the only reason I came out was because something happened that made it clear I was. Tbh it was f'king humiliating and awful at the time, it really f'ked with my head and my self worth. I am totally, 100% ok with it now, in fact I'm kind of proud I have the balls to tell people I'm bi now. It's become who I am and I'm ok with it.

"Just to be clear I've never had an issue with anybody being gay, at all. It's just for me it was a really difficult thing to deal with. Extremely personal. A lifetime of unconsciously being told gay was 'bad' has an effect on me, I wish it didn't but the truth is it did. I have mad respect for all openly gay and trans people."

– NitroD*ckclapp

Revealing Color Choice

"Had a guy genuinely ask if I was gay because I was wearing a red pair of Vans."

– LemonMan589

"Maybe he was cruising."

– InverseRatio

List Of Indicators

"I was a child in the 80s. Calling people gay was standard derogatory talk for checks notes literally everything. Bad play in sport, choice of clothes, hobby, etc."

– f_ranz1224

The Hopscotcher

"I was called gay for about 6 months in middle school for jumping down a hopscotch thing as I walked past it after lunch."

– Sado_Hedonist

What happens in the bedroom...

Going Down

"Like giving oral sex to my wife. Will never understand that."

– Beenthere-doneit55

"Fellas, is it gay to go down on a woman?"

– raveturned

"I view it selfishly. It combines the two two things I love the most, eating and having sex. If that makes me gay, so be it."

– Beenthere–doneit55

Flawed Logic

"They think if you'll do down on your wife you'll go down on a guy?"

"How would the two even translate??"

– WillieOverall

Even before I came out to my friends as gay, being called anti-gay slurs–even in jest–only suppressed my inclination to want to share my truth.

One of the things I've been mocked for during high school pre-coming out was my love for Disney.

The girls had no problem sharing my passion, but the jocks made fun of me for wearing a Mickey Mouse T-shirt to school, saying I was a "sissy boy" for liking Disney and that only "f*ggots" liked Disney.

Now, I know plenty of demographics–gay and straight, all ethnicities–that universally appreciate Disney. But I have to say, good on them for being accurate in knowing who I was before I did: a proud f*ggot who loves Disney.

four friends walking arm in arm
Photo by Helena Lopes on Unsplash

All of us have surprising or unusual things people do that turn us on.

These can be simple things, like washing dishes, reaching for something on a high shelf, or pouring a drink which, whether it's the person doing it or the act itself, turns out to be surprisingly sexy.

Rather more interesting, however, are the things people do that draw us to them that aren't remotely sexy at all, but in fact completely wholesome.

Even so, seeing people do these things, or behave in this manner still has the same power to make us fall completely weak at the knees and melt our hearts.

Redditor levoyageursansbagage was curious to hear all of the innocent things that people find utterly alluring, leading them to ask:

"What is the most wholesome behavior you find really attractive?"

Excitement Can Be Infectious

"When people get really excited over something they enjoy."- BoiledCabbage

"Being genuinely excited about something."

"I love me a nerd."- Howdydobe

Loving All Living Things

"It was really hot and little rain for a couple of weeks and we have backyard critters roaming around typical of the suburbs."

"So my wife puts a big Tupperware bowl of water out that she changes daily in case an animal gets thirsty."

"I was looking at it one day and a stick had fallen in the bowl so I went to remove it."

"My wife yells at me, 'No! Don't take the stick out, that's so bees can crawl out if they fall in'."

"I thought it was adorable."- yakfsh1

Honey Bee Loop GIF by Kev LaveryGiphy

Truly Unforgettable

"When someone remembers a really random small detail I’ve only mentioned once."- Starriyer

Compassion Over Convenience

"Doing the right thing even when it’s inconvenient."

"I was on a date and he took a call from a friend in crisis."

"They worked the problem out and he said 'I love you' to his friend (who said it back)."

"He explained he needed to take the call and apologized that it happened during the date."

"No apology necessary!"

"He demonstrated loyalty and vulnerability and it was incredibly sexy."

"Even better that it’s just who he is; none of it was for show."- Hiberniae

"When someone helps old people."

"Maybe getting up to give their seat to them in a public bus or in general, helping them carry their heavy bags, or something."- itsMat_hi_ka

"When a person knows the right time to simply listen to someone in distress and the right time to offer advice."- Old_Army90

Giphy

The Greatest Love Of All...

"My husband will run around playing games with our son in the playground and will fully commit to whatever game that is.'

"There's no standing around talking to the adults, he will get fully involved in the make-believe world."

"10/10, fully present parenting."- Ambivertigo

The Gift Of Laughter

"People that make themselves crack up."

"People with their particular and weird little sense of humor that unashamedly laugh at what they think is so funny."

"Extra points if they’re laughing because of a joke they’re telling themselves."

"It’s my favorite thing to see someone do."

"As long as the joke doesn’t seriously hurt other people."

"I love good dark humor."

"If someone’s genuinely trying to be hateful, it loses appeal completely."- tresjoliesuzanne

"When I'm with my wife at a restaurant and the baby in the next booth is staring at her, she will wave to the baby and make funny faces to get the kid to smile/giggle."

"That."- SadConsequence8476

happy baby lol GIF by TheMacnabsGiphy

Heal The World...

"I went backpacking with my boyfriend for the first time recently and I noticed that anytime we came across a little piece of trash on the trail, he would pick it up and put it in his pocket to throw away properly at the first opportunity."

"It just highlighted to me that he was conscientious and kind even when it came to things a lot of people would overlook, and I found that incredibly attractive."- snickerdoodle--

Happiness Comes In Many Forms

"Seeing a man be genuinely happy for someone else, I recently discovered this about myself."- West_Cherry3944

Literal Food For Thought

"A friend of mine has this habit of making sure that everyone around her has eaten on time."

"'A well fed tummy makes the brain think properly'."

"That's her exact words."- in_out_in_out_·

Food Cooking GIF by MasterChefAUGiphy

No One Should Take Themselves Too Seriously

"Silliness, the sillier the hotter."- Fearless-Finish9724·

The Epitome Of Selfless

"My husband grew up extremely poor."

"Not homeless but close."

"Whenever we're out and we see someone asking for food, he will quietly walk over and take them to whatever restaurant they want."

"He will then order them whatever they want."

"When we met, he was in grad school and had no money."

"He still did this."

"It made me swoon."- curryp4n

Reading these heartwarming and touching affirmations, it does give one pause that kindness and compassion are considered so unusual.

Even so, no doubt that's what makes selfless, and kind-hearted people so attractive.


Divorce Lawyers Reveal The Nastiest Ways Marriages Ended
Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash

With so many couples walking up the aisle—and then sprinting to the courthouse—there’s no shortage of wacky divorce stories. No one knows that better than these divorce lawyers. From hidden fortunes to stuffed animal collections, divorce lawyers have seen it all. Attorney-client privilege or not, these stories are just too insane not to share…

Ashes To Ashes

round grey stainless steel saucer on brown wooden surfacePhoto by Brooks Rice on Unsplash

I had a husband and wife go toe-to-toe over an ashtray they got in Las Vegas. The couple spent nearly $5,000 for me and another attorney to duke it out in court over the silly trinket. Prior to proceeding, I explained that it would be cheaper to fly me to Vegas and get an identical ashtray. The husband said he didn't care about the costs—and his reasons were deeply malicious.

It turns out that the husband had other intentions for their marriage memorabilia. When he won, he smashed the ashtray on the steps of the courthouse. He laughed and said the look on his wife’s face was worth much more than $2,500. People get crazy in divorce proceedings.

F-DEVICE

Until The Grave Do Us Part

I wouldn't recommend it, but one of the best ways to stick it to your ex is to kick the can during a messy divorce. In my client's case, the court had orally declared a couple to be divorced. Sadly, before they could finalize the official paperwork, the husband went to his grave. The courts spent two years figuring out how to proceed and made a divisive decision…

The court decided that the wife had to divide everything 50/50 with her deceased husband. And to think, if he had passed two weeks sooner, she would have avoided years of court hearings, thousands in fees, and kept everything for herself.

Pandorac

I’ll Never Let You Go…To The Marriott Hotel

My aunt has been divorced for quite some time, but you wouldn’t know it. She’s still driving her attorney crazy with her requests. Most recently, she took her ex-husband to court. Her motive was ridiculous. She wanted to know where he was working and when, all so that she could have her private investigator keep an eye on him and his new girlfriend.

She should have just let it go…she got the house, the kids, the boat, and even the Marriott International points.

ProfessorMMcGonagall

“X” Marks The Spot…

I worked a divorce case that went to trial. The parties owned a business together, which they started during the marriage and which was their sole source of income. Obviously, the biggest issue was who was going to keep the business. While the divorce proceeded, the General Magistrate ordered my client to keep running the business and to pay the wife temporary alimony. If only it had ended then.

At trial, we went in front of a judge instead of the General Magistrate. This judge was older with poor memory and was fairly new to family law. She ended up giving the wife the business and ordering my client to pay the wife alimony! How is someone supposed to pay alimony if you take away their only source of income for the last 10 years?

I filed a motion for rehearing but the judge denied it. As if that was bad enough, do you want to know the cherry on top of this triple-layered divorce cake? The judge awarded my client his home that he had inherited from his grandmother. The wife had been living in there during the divorce proceedings, and the judge gave her 30 days to move out.

Well, she stayed until the last possible day. When my client went back to the home, the wife had completely destroyed the inside. She took a screw driver and scratched an “X” on the surface of all of the furniture and the walls. My client ended up leaving the country.

Ctheblahblah

I’m Giving You The Cold Shoulder

I once represented one party in a divorce. While the divorce proceedings were on-going, the couple still lived together pending the sale of their family home. But just because they lived together did not mean that they were on speaking terms. In fact, they would not speak to one another for any reason whatsoever. Things were so bad that I even had to negotiate terms for sharing refrigerator space.

Permalink

Don’t Be A Baby, Baby

white and brown bear plush toysPhoto by MChe Lee on Unsplash

The court ordered this couple, who had been divorced for four months, to divide up their Beanie Baby Collection, valued somewhere between $2,500 and $5000…and they were seemingly unable to do so by themselves. The couple spread out the collection on the floor and divided up one by one under the supervision of a Family Court Judge.

Jux_

The Couple That Divorces Together, Stays Together

I worked as a courtroom clerk when I was in college. A couple filing for divorce were arguing over custody of their son. I thought it would be the normal "I won’t let you see him,” and name-calling nonsense, but I was in for a surprise. The mom wanted the dad to spend more time during the holidays together—all three of them. But the dad had demands of his own…

The dad in this strange divorce proceeding wanted the same thing as his maybe-ex-wife. He also wanted the family to spend more time together…just more frequently. The couple ended up reconciling and agreed to couples’ therapy before the divorce procedure went further. They came back a month later to withdraw the divorce proceeding. All is well that ends well.

seimungbing

Cleaning House

My friend is a divorce lawyer. They had a client whose former spouse brutally attacked them. Apparently, the former spouse blamed the divorce attorney for “taking him to the cleaners” in the divorce. The worst part is that the lawyer was at the grocery store doing his weekly food shopping with his wife and kids during the attack.

AJAMG

The Honeymoon That Never Ends

I represented the husband in a divorce. During the proceedings, we tried to get the court to eliminate his spousal support obligations. His wife, however, insisted that she needed the support…and wait until you hear why. The whole process took way longer than it should have because his wife was taking vacations to Mexico at least once every month.

asoiahats

The Wedding Photographer

I represented the husband in a divorce. On the day of the trial, opposing counsel presented shocking evidence. The wife’s attorneys produced photographs that they claimed proved adultery. The photos were of my client, the husband, wearing lingerie and a long brown wig, engaging in act of intimacy with another man. I was able to successfully exclude this from evidence...because the wife was the photographer.

KrisCMS

And…The Honeymoon Is Over

woman signing on white printer paper beside woman about to touch the documentsPhoto by Gabrielle Henderson on Unsplash

I worked for a law firm while in college. We had a client who had just come home from a two-week vacation with his wife. But she wasn’t going to be his wife for much longer. As soon as they pulled into the driveway, his wife’s lawyers served him with divorce papers and a temporary restraining order. His wife didn't say a word and just went into their house.

The poor guy came straight to our office and was massively confused. What happened on that vacation?

MissSara13

Please Play Nice

My first trial. My client’s husband was suing her for divorce. Her soon-to-be ex-husband was alleging habitual cruelty and inhumane treatment. When I heard what he had to say, my jaw-dropped. I had to agree with him. Her husband was claiming that she had grabbed him in a sensitive area really, really hard and hurt him on purpose.

What’s more, I had to cross examine him about it. Awkward.

Permalink

Call Me, Maybe?

I had a client whose soon-to-be-ex-husband used her email address and phone number to sign her up for every bank, loan, religious, mental illness, and adult site he could think of. These companies bombarded her about their products and services. He even put out her information on Craigslist. The joke was on him though…she actually went out with a guy who contacted her!

dirtydlf

Grab Your Pitchforks…

I’ve been a divorce lawyer for more than 20 years, so I've seen it all. I once represented a husband divorcing his wife of over 35 years. At mediation, they divided up about a half million in assets within 30 minutes—and then things went south. They spent the next two and half hours fighting over a couple of hurricane glasses from Pat O'Brien's and a pitchfork.

$1,000 in attorney fees later, they settled…and then got remarried anyway.

LazyMFTX

40 Acres And A Whole Lot Of Revenge

I knew a wealthy land owner who went to some extreme lengths to get even after a divorce. He lost his home to his ex-wife in the divorce proceedings but kept his trump card. He was able to keep the rest of the undeveloped neighborhood land and turned it into an industrial park. In other words, he surrounded his ex-wife’s huge house with a ton of factories.

king-hippo77

Run Away Wife

man in red and white checkered dress shirt wearing black fedora hatPhoto by Andres Siimon on Unsplash

My uncle is a divorce lawyer, but not a very good one. He represented a couple who had recently started getting into some problems. The wife had had enough of married life and just left one night. Her husband was through with her since she left, and went to my uncle for a divorce. My uncle agreed but he kept delaying because he had plans of his own.

While my uncle stalled the husband, he came up with an ingenious plan. He did what he knew was in everyone’s best interest. My uncle hired a private investigator to search for the missing wife. Fortunately, he eventually found her and talked her into going back to her husband. Things worked out in the end…but my uncle might be the worst divorce lawyer in the country.

Levelis

Sharing Marriages Makes For Caring Marriages

How much time do you have? Over the course of my career, I’ve seen nearly a dozen wife-swaps. And it’s just as weird as it sounds. Usually, the husband will cheat on his wife with his friend’s wife. This causes a divorce for both parties, and their respective spouses (wife of first party and husband of second) end up getting together. Happens quite often for whatever reason.

rainemaker

Divorce, The Family Game

I saw a mother and father live together during a divorce and fight over the location of their children’s Xbox and Wii. At first, the gaming consoles were in the family living room. The father then put the consoles in his bedroom so that the children would spend all of their time in his bedroom. The mother literally went to court to have the Xbox and Wii returned to the living room. They spent thousands on this.

odgunz

Debarred And Divorced

I'm not a lawyer, but I’ve got a story about one. There was a case in which a man found out that his wife was having an affair. Heartbroken, the man found a divorce lawyer. In court, the husband learned a brutal truth. His lawyer was the man his wife was having the affair with. Of course, the lawyer got his license taken away after that.

cgKush

Off To Sunny Mexico

I’m a family law paralegal. We had a client whose husband had taken her kids on an unscheduled bus trip to Mexico. We expedited everything. I went above and beyond for this woman—even contacting attorneys in the deep south of Mexico and writing out very clear instructions to get back her kids. As it turns out, our client was no victim.

This woman had physically accosted her husband because he confronted her about sleeping with his brother. Now you see why the husband packed up and took the kids.

Bey5ever

The Most Expensive Therapy Ever

potato chips in bowlPhoto by Emiliano Vittoriosi on Unsplash

My client (the husband) was living in the same house as his wife throughout the divorce proceedings. He'd call me and complain about things like: his wife ate a bag of chips and didn't replace it, she invited one of her friends over who he disliked, she binged watched TV instead of fixing dinner, etc., etc. He paid me $250/hour for the privilege of venting over the phone to an attorney.

Cheezmergency

Why So Salty?

One of my father's friends tried to “salt the earth” before getting divorced. He transferred the deeds to a rental house and a cabin to relatives and sold the family cars to relatives for tiny sums…and he was just getting started. He put stocks in a trust “for the children” and vanished a chunk of cash from the company he co-owned with his wife.

He even stopped paying himself a salary, electing to burn through their personal savings for over a year instead. Well, he might have salted the earth but he was in for just desserts. When the divorce proceedings went to court, he learned that judges really, really hate it when you try to play dirty games. Turns out that hiding or intentionally diminishing assets is actually not a good idea.

In fact, judges will absolutely refer you to prosecutors. I don't think that he spent time behind bars, but his ex-wife did get everything, plus the satisfaction of firing him from his own company.

technos

Let’s Break Up The Bank

A friend of mine is a divorce lawyer. His favorite story is the time that the husband in a bitter divorce said that he would “out-lawyer” his wife and break the bank before giving her anything she wanted. He said this in front of my friend, her lawyer. My friend looks at the wife and says, "I'm working for you pro bono (free) from this moment forward."

WhiteRabbit86

Think About The Children

I took a domestic relations class run by a retired judge who told us a few good stories. My favorite was a story where both parties in a divorce were acting unreasonably and not thinking of the kids. In the end, the judge awarded the house to the kids who would live there permanently while the parents—who had joint custody—would take turns living there.

The best thing was that neither party could afford to buy an additional place, so they had to rent a small flat together and also share that.

Rwhite_93

Oh, Brother!

I had a case in where husband found some incriminating texts on his wife's phone. He suspected that she was cheating on him with some guy. What’s more is that he also got the impression that his sister-in-law (his brother’s wife) might be in on it in some way. He and his brother end up hiring a private investigator to tail both of their wives to get to the truth. But the truth can hurt…

The brothers essentially confirmed that both women were seeing other people. My client’s sister in-law admitted to carrying on an affair. His brother attempted to reconcile but eventually filed for divorce. My client’s wife admitted that she was looking for an affair but only "met for some kisses" and she "touched him a little bit.” He filed for divorce anyway.

Stubbula

To The Clink!

boy sitting while covering his facePhoto by Ksenia Makagonova on Unsplash

My dad is a retired lawyer and he got this story from a judge. A man and a woman went through an unhappy divorce, and their poor kids got stuck in the middle. The wife got custody and the man got visitation rights but, apparently, that wasn’t good enough for her. She made parental alienation her goal in life. So, her ex-husband took her to court over this and she actually ended up behind bars for contempt more than once.

The judge who told this story to my dad finally told the man, "I can throw her back in prison as many times as you want, but there's no winner in this."

lefschetz

I Want The News, Not The Weather…

I used to work for a judge when two prominent local news personalities were getting a divorce. They filed for mutual restraining orders against each other for an unspecified use of force. The filings were vague on details but still managed to convey a sense of savage levels of blood. When the time came for the hearing, it turned out that the use of force they were referring to was spitting.

Specifically, during a heated argument, flecks of spittle managed to touch the other party. The judge denied the restraining orders, and both parties' attorneys probably bought new yachts. Such is justice in a divorce.

gnujack

That’s Not My Name

This is the story of a potentially thwarted divorce case. A man and his fiancée were buying a house together. They got to the paper where you sign off on all your aliases. In a Mr. & Mrs. Smith-worthy turn of events, the woman had a full-page's worth of former names. The guy asked, "What is this?" The woman's response made his blood run cold.

She nonchalantly replied, "Oh, I've been married five times before." The guy got up and walked out. Crisis averted.

-Dee-Dee

“Extra! Extra! Read All About It!”

I was a secretary for an attorney. Divorce can be pretty depressing but it can also be a real laugh. I think that the most entertaining divorce story was when a guy had to get creative in divorcing his wife. He had to have the divorce papers sent to her the newspaper because she wouldn't leave the house or answer the door for the process server.

Eensquatch

And Your Little Dog Too…

My friend’s firm handled the divorce of an extremely rich man who claimed his wife was cheating on him. The lawyer proceeded to ask him about his assets and what he wanted to keep. The man said that his wife could have the house, the car, the boat, the kids, etc. Given that he seemed willing to give up everything, the lawyer asked him what he wanted to keep. Not even Cruella de Ville would have asked for this.

After the man’s lawyer asked him what he wanted to keep in the divorce, the man angrily responded, "My wife only loves her dog. I want her to suffer so I want the court to order that the dog be taken away from her and cremated. She can have 50% of the ashes and I'll have the other 50%." What would have happened if his wife only loved their kids?

akasakasan

Micro Aggressions

woman in black jacket standing beside green plantPhoto by Karsten Winegeart on Unsplash

I represented a woman who was convinced that her husband was the real-world equivalent of Lex Luthor or something. She claimed that he had implanted micro-robots in her brain and was trying to control her. She would bring us all of this nanotechnology and try to convince us that it was possible. She dragged the case out for four years. We almost had to get a conservator for her estate.

porntoomuch

I’m A Professional

My first divorce case was the most memorable. My client was a nice looking, 50ish waitress who was breaking hearts at the local small-town cafe. She was on divorce number five. I had a little lawyer kit of things she should do such as clean out the joint accounts, change the car title, etc. To my surprise, she had done all of them…plus a few things I hadn’t thought of.

“Husband No.5” came into my office to cry and concede everything. Now that was a guy who needed a lawyer with a list. Suffice to say, our client got everything she was, or might have been, entitled to plus a little more.

AnathemaMaranatha

Roomies!

I was a family law attorney for years. It was nasty all the time, which is why I finally switched to a different area. But not before this crazy couple…I worked a divorce where the ex-couple lived together after their divorce. It wasn’t for love. It was just pure and simple spite. Neither wanted to move. I believe they still live together.

Silly_Willy

Leaving The Nest

I once interned for a small family firm and had some really odd stories. This attractive lady relocated from Florida to the mountains of Virginia with her husband to restart their relationship. Unfortunately, they were moving in with her parents and had not found a new place to live yet. Well, the move didn’t help and they ended up seeking a divorce.

He ended up kicking the woman out of the house. Yeah, you read that correctly, he kicked her out of her parents’ house.

thotnumber1

Failed Marriages And Flat Tires

This wasn’t my case, but I overheard it in divorce court once. While separated, a guy went around to his wife's house and took revenge on her car. Apparently, in an act of brazen post-marital rage, he slashed her tires. And if you were thinking about calling the authorities, you’ll have no luck there. He was a law enforcement officer. That’s just crazy.

malachi410

The Defenestration Separation

beige 2-story housePhoto by Jessica Furtney on Unsplash

I would never disclose a client's details because, you know, confidentiality. But I did have a mediation professor who told me this gem of a divorce story. She was mediating a divorce and the couple was so close to making a settlement. Until it all went out the window…literally. You see, this couple had purchased a lovely Victorian home together.

The husband, while unemployed, had painstakingly restored all of the old windows. Restoring the windows was a very time-consuming and labor-intensive task. Fast-forward to division of assets: The couple agreed to split the sale of the house equally, but he demanded a larger share because of the value of the windows. She said she should have that money, because she was supporting them at the time.

He returned that she could keep the entire house, but he was getting those windows. Then she said, “You can shove those windows up your...” Well, anyway, you get the idea. They went back and forth while my poor professor tried to mediate them into a neutral position.

petit_cochon

That’s Just Pea…NUTS!

I worked a divorce case that was frustrating enough to make anyone pluck out their eyelashes. It took the couple two hours to decide who would get the groceries left in the fridge. The estimated value of the groceries was around $40. Two hours of my time, opposing counsel’s time, and mediator time added up to about $1,000. It all came down to an oversized jar of peanut butter.

All I could think of the whole time was, “Who keeps peanut butter in the fridge?!”

ammjh

The Hand That Feeds You…

I once had a case where the estranged wife just didn’t know what was good for her. She was calling my client's employer repeatedly, accusing him of theft and other white-collar crimes to try to get my client fired. The funny thing about it all was that she was also demanding child support…which was based on my client’s income. Income from the job from which she was trying to get him fired.

JournalofFailure

A Hairy Situation

My dad was a divorce lawyer. He had a client who wanted to divorce her husband for two very odd reasons. For one, she claimed that he did not have enough hair on his chest. And the second reason was that he did not drive fast enough. In all fairness, this was 1970s when chest hair was a bit more important. The speeding thing, that I can’t explain.

Bodhi_ZA

Fighting For Fido

I was in a mediation once where it took the couple an hour and a half to split their personal property, retirement accounts, real property, and custody of their six-month-old son. The rest of the day, about four hours, they spent arguing about how to split the time with the dog. For the kid they just said, "as agreed upon by the parties" but the dog had a strict schedule.

FattyBinz

Join The Mickey Mouse Club…Of Divorce

boy leaning on white chairPhoto by Chinh Le Duc on Unsplash

I was a clerk for a family court judge. Believe me when I say that the kids always suffer in a divorce. We had a woman go to extreme lengths to spite her ex-husband, even if it meant disappointing her daughter. She even tried to get an injunction to keep the father from taking their daughter on a trip to Disney World. Like it is whenever love ends, it was so sad.

clumseey

Reply All?

There are so many crazy divorce stories and they always bring out the absolute worst in couples. Like this one: A couple did their will with our firm. We drafted everything for them as they were an older couple; they had been married for 40 years total. The husband wanted us to put in his will that his kids get his entire estate, with one small caveat: He did not want us to tell his wife.

Instead, he wanted to have us make a secret will and a fake will. He had a whole plan. He would sign the fake will with her present, and then we would shred it. Then he would come in later to sign the "real will.” There was just one hitch in his Ocean’s Eleven scheme…he copied his wife on the email. Two weeks later, he called us and said he wanted to file for divorce.

PetiteChaos

Attorney On Demand

A previous client of ours was livid that his wife was cheating on him. She wanted a non-contested divorce and wanted to use my boss specifically because she knew he was a great lawyer. So, our client pretended to go along with her terms but contacted us literally two days before his wife and retained us. He said he didn't care how much money the retainer was going to be.

He just wanted my boss so his wife couldn't have him as a lawyer. He called and paid first, so he won that battle.

PetiteChaos

The Love Has Dried Up

My aunt was a divorce lawyer. She worked a case where the wife glued all of the outdoor hoses together so that her husband wouldn’t spend any more time washing his car. When the glue didn’t work, she just cut up the hoses instead. And when this woman’s husband bought new hoses, she finally filed for divorce. The only question I have is…”Was it a nice car?”

amazinglymorgan

Bear With Me

I used to clerk for a judge, and we had a week-long divorce trial between a couple. The husband was a wildlife photographer and the wife was a stay-at-home wife who “remodeled” the house. They had no kids. Anyway, one day the husband was photographing a grizzly bear but must have gotten a little too close and the bear mauled him.

He spent several months in the hospital and rehab. As if surviving a bear attack wasn’t enough, his wife had him served with divorce papers shortly after he got out of rehab. Of course, she wanted half of everything. The guy had lost an eye…what more could she possibly have taken?

Mehndeke

Plastics Are Forever

brown round bowl on white tablePhoto by Magic Bowls on Unsplash

Neither side would follow the court orders. When they had to go back to court, they were fighting over the husband’s grandmother's bowls. I assumed for weeks that these bowls were some sort of heirloom or expensive china. When they finally brought the bowls into the courtroom to swap them, I discovered that they were Tupperware. Who knew plastic was more precious than diamonds?

Carcharodons

Divorcing Scrooge

My client was the outrageous one in this story, and my heart went out to his poor wife. My client had OCD which manifested primarily in the family finances. He made their lives a penny-pinching nightmare. For example, he was obsessed with avoiding unnecessary driving, so he cut the whole family’s hair at home and never let them eat at a restaurant or go to the movies. That wasn’t even the strangest thing.

Weirdest of all, he kept one toilet paper roll on him at all times, and you had to get one square from him before you could go to the bathroom. He never gave more than one square. His wife finally got tired of him and left him when he gave her bangs during an in-home haircut. Even their daughter was so traumatized by the whole toilet paper thing they couldn’t potty train her.

Being such a miser, he viewed my whole job as a divorce attorney as an unnecessary expense.

Julietcaravello1

Shaking Like A Dog

My mom was a divorce lawyer. One specific story I remember was about a couple fighting for custody of their dog. The guy already lost custody of the children and then lost the case for custody of the dog. When the ex-wife’s mother came to pick up the dog, he told her that she could get him out of the freezer...Yes, that’s right, he froze the dog.

doggo24-7

The Frog That Hopped Away

I once worked an interesting—and very, very sad—divorce case. It’s not uncommon for parents to fight over custody in a divorce, but that’s not what happened this time…not at all. My client and their spouse had a son that they named Snoop Frog (I kid you not) and sadly, neither of them wanted custody. Honestly, it was nothing that a name change couldn’t fix.

6NippledCharlie

Not A Lucky Divorce

This woman won $1.3million in a lottery pool and filed for divorce 11 days later. She never mentioned her lottery winnings to her husband. She also did not disclose the proceeds during the divorce. She would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for a letter that arrived at their former marital residence over two years after the divorce…

The letter was an offer to buy out her lottery annuity with a lump sum payment. The husband promptly lawyered up and the family court awarded 100% of the prize proceeds to him.

grumpyGrampus