There's a bride in this article who dips her breasts into her wedding cake. Yeah, it's that trashy.
I would normally have a whole sort of relevant (and totally rambling) story to tell you before we got to the meat of the article but ... you guys... the things I have just read. I just... Guys... I am not okay.
One reddit user asked:
I thought I was ready. I really did. I was not. I seriously underestimated what people are capable of - especially when alcohol is involved. Here are some of the stories that had people cringing the hardest. What you're about to get yourself into is ... um ... educational and intense. Brace yourself, folks. It's about to go down...
Honesty Is The Best Policy
There was no alcohol being served as the reception hall in the church basement had super strict rules about alcohol. So all the guests snuck in alcohol. The mother of the groom had a 24 case of coors under her table. People had full sized bottles of vodka hidden in their jackets it was messy. Then after the wedding the after party was at this super divey college bar where the bride got so drunk the groom had to carry her back to their hotel where she finished the night drunkenly eating chicken nuggets in the giant penthouse suite bathtub.
In the interest of honesty...this was my wedding and I was the chicken nugget eating bride.
I went to a wedding where the bride and groom's first dance was to Who Let The Dogs Out... everyone just looked on speechless as they slow danced to it. Then half way through it turned into a slutty grind session. Nobody thought it would last but they're still together.
Did a wedding where the grooms mom was so against the marriage, she thought the bride was too "low class" for her precious boy. Of course, the correct way to deal with the wedding was to drink as much as possible. As I was leaving the reception, the groom was standing over some bushes, and his mom was lying in them, legs in the air, dress around her head, flailing about like a tortoise on its back and the groom saying "Mom! Get up please! This is embarrassing!"
I later found out that the grooms mom sat at her chair in the reception later that evening, leaned over to the side and just puked on the floor. And a few minutes later sh!t herself while sitting at dinner. For somebody so concerned about how "low class" the bride was, she sure showed her!
My brother-in-law's wedding was a trashfest. And they had known each other about 3 months and she had already been divorced 2 times. They had the wedding party take pictures in a random graveyard. Then they left trash all over the headstones(which my husband and I picked up because who does that). They then got married at a park pavilion that they didn't rent out so we got kicked out halfway through since it was reserved to someone. She threw a fit and tried to punch the police but somehow didn't get arrested. Then their reception was at this nicer steak place ($50+ meals) but they didn't pay for any of the food or drinks! Plus they didn't reserve anything so we had to wait 2 hours for a room that fit 80 people. So we had to wait in the lobby until 7pm. Which would be fine but they didn't tell anyone that they weren't paying so everyone was mad because some people didn't bring enough money so at the end of the meal some people left without paying their bill and my mother in law got stuck paying around $800 to cover those peoples bills because my bil wasn't gonna pay. She also had to pay the bride and husbands bill too because they wanted to get drunk(which was about $200!)
Also the marriage only lasted about 2 years so there's that. Of course they had a kid right away so that been a mess. She took off and bil is now a single dad who makes $10 a hour and is mooching off my mil.
I went to a wedding in Florida where the bride wore a mini skirt and was given away by her ex husband, with whom she and her new husband still lived.
The Plastic Headache
So the first thing we see when we walk in is the groom's teenage brother making out with his girlfriend with wild abandon - right next to the gift table. The bride had dyed the grooms hair the night before. She did it badly so he had splotches of black hair dye all over his ears and hairline.
The bride herself was falling out of her strapless dress that was at least two cup sizes too small and she had a stains ( I think of food?) all down the front. She was very drunk and was not seen without her special bottles of Smirnov Ice. The "open bar" served only cheap white wine in Dixie cups ( described as " a plastic headache" by those that drank it) and a cooler of Bud Light for the bride and groom only. I do not remember there being food. The venue looked like a Las Vegas 90's funeral parlor- forest green carpet with mirrors, fake ivy and brass everywhere. We didn't stay long but the plastic headache lingered well into the next day.
It was a coworker of my then husband. She was a really pretty girl, marrying her hard partying boyfriend. They were both hard partying, to be fair. It was a MESS.
A few days before the wedding she mentioned that they had forgotten to hire a musician. I happened to have a good friend with a pretty great band, and I got them hooked up. The bride was super appreciative and decided I was her best friend. She invites me out for a celebratory drink, and then tries to make out with me in the parking lot. She's hot, and I'm bi - but I'm also married and she's my husband's co-worker. I exit gracefully, and decide it was just because she was drunk / has wedding nerves.
Fast forward to the wedding.
The guests all arrive in a public town square gazebo where the ceremony is to take place. We all wait, and wait, and wait. The musician, the minister, and about 60 guests just standing around hoping they show. The finally arrive and both bride and groom are sh*t faced. They are accompanied by the office manager, who has stepped into a mother role for the bride (though the bride's parents are alive and present), and is paying for the entire ordeal. The office manager is sobbing. We find out later they were late because the bride could not find her passport and in a drunken rage started berating the office manager for being worthless in her efforts to help her pack for her honeymoon.
The ceremony is rather uneventful and everyone walks to a local restaurant on the town square where we will have a sit down dinner and reception. Full open bar, of course. Everyone just mills around and chats while we are waiting on dinner... except for the bride who is taking shots with the bar staff.
Dinner is served and we all take our assigned seats. As they are bringing salads, the bride plops down between my husband and I. She asks if we're swingers. I inform her that we are not, and she starts LOUDLY telling us that it's a good thing because she and her new husband had a threesome just recently and now she can't get the image of him f*cking this other girl out of her brain. She is getting really worked up and giving us graphic details of the encounter. The office manager whisks her away and we don't see her again for the rest of the meal.
After dinner people started dancing. I was out on the dance floor with a few friends and here comes the bride. She drags me away and starts rubbing and grinding on me. Every time I try to gracefully maneuver elsewhere, she finds me and starts rubbing on me again. The pinnacle of the dancing was when she walked over to her own wedding cake, removed her breast from her dress, dipped it in the frosting, and came over and asked me to lick it off. I declined, and her new husband swooped in for the honors.
At that point both her parents and the office manager left in disgust.
My husband and I, along with some friends, headed on out at that point. We went a few doors down to a bar to play a few rounds of pool and get some space from the craziness. But our plan was foiled when crazy followed us. I was leaning forward, about to take a shot, when the bride literally grabbed my crotch from behind.
She was swaying at this point and barely coherent. She had a change of clothes with her and asked me to help her get changed. I was honestly afraid to leave her in the bathroom alone, so I agreed to help. She then walked into the men's room, and found her new husband. This led to her screaming wildly, throwing anything not nailed down, and accusing her husband of cheating on her with the chick from the threesome.
I had enough and left at this point. We asked the bar to please call them a cab, and went on home. The whole night was completely surreal.
A few days later, I was hanging out with my musician friend who played at the wedding. He was looking really uncomfortable and finally came clean about the rest of the night. Apparently the bride kept requesting songs by taking her flashing him and saying please - and she slipped him her number as a "thank you".
Just all around classy.
Husband's child hood friend had their wedding at his mother's trailer park playground. The men in the wedding party wore t-shirts with tuxedo print, the women wore hot pink shorts with black spaghetti strap tank-tops and flip flops.
They were both ICP fans and the wedding party sprayed them with Orange Faygo when leaving.
Went to a couple's wedding and the couple was a little older (probably in their 50s). I'm just going to start with the bridesmaid dresses. The bridesmaids were all in their 50-60s and were in the most unflattering best-of-the-80s style dresses, I swear they found some deal at a thrift store, but that wasn't the worst part. The worst part was the soundtrack.
The bride walked down the aisle to organ music (which is altogether not a beautiful instrument, IMO) anyway, before the organ music stops, a country song starts playing. My mom and I looked at each other somewhat horrified with a look of "I feel so bad for the couple that this is happening" because we thought it was clearly a mistake.
I'm not a country fan so I can't tell you songs or artists, but I'll do my best to explain. The song was about a bride walking down the aisle. While the entire song played, we all just sat and watched the bride and groom standing at the altar holding hands and awkwardly mouthing the words to each other.
Then the couple exchanged vows, another entire country song came on about exchanging vows, and we all watched as they stood there mouthing the words to each other at the altar.
Then they exchanged rings and, you guessed, it another song about rings came on. You would think and hope that would be it, but you would be wrong, because we also looked on as two more country songs came on after they kissed - one about the kiss and another one about how they were finally married.
I'm not even done yet.
The couple had not one but three preachers and two of them were married. The male pastors sermon before the wedding was all irrelevant stories about his wedding day and how being married was so hard which included some victimy tirade about how men give up their right to win an argument when they get married. His wife looked so pissed the whole time.
The reception was terrible too, but they had food, so I can put up with more when I have food. Also their big wedding favor was hand sanitizer that said "keep calm and carry on" and it also had their names and wedding date on it. All around it was a cringe-fest, but at least I get to share it with you all!
The biker one, where the bride wore a red leather mini skirt wedding dress. Everyone, and I mean everyone saw her vagina when she got on the bike to ride to the reception.
No Shirts, Yes Ties
Oh BOY, have I got a story for you. When I was younger, I went to the wedding of my close friend's older brother. Now, this was in like 2006 or something, so definitely pre-Pinterest, but I still can't believe some of the stuff they did.
First of all, they did their wedding photos on a tractor in the mud. On like a cheap digital camera that the bride's mom had. The groomsmen did not have on shirts, but they did have on ties. The wedding colors were camouflage and traffic cone orange. At the reception, instead of a wedding cake they had sliced up Swiss Rolls and other Little Debbie snack cakes on some plastic trays. They also had "hours d'oeuvres" that consisted of little cut up pieces of cold cut lunch meats and cheese with a toothpick through them.
Off To See The WizardGiphy
I went to a wizard of Oz themed wedding. Bridesmaids walked in to "If I Only Had a Brain."
I immediately thought of my mom's second wedding. The ceremony itself was fine. My mom wore a purple dress because it was her favorite color and she looked beautiful. My step dad and the groomsmen wore slacks with white button ups and cowboy hats. It was on a gazebo on a small lake. Overall, simple and nice. The reception, though, was at the best mans house which was a dump and there was a kiddy pool full of jungle juice. One of the guests had a staph infection on his hand, which he dunked into the pool when he got a drink.
The Wedding That Ruined A Funeral
My cousins's wedding.
The ceremony itself was at a public beach, which they did not reserve in any way. They set up right at the entrance rather than moving further along. They had some redneck friends act as "bouncers" and they ended up threatening random people trying to scare them away from the area.
There were no speeches or thank you's or anything during the reception, which is probably for the best. At one point the bride stuck her head in to the hall and shouted that she needed 15 minutes to go smoke some weed. They had people's dogs and naked babies running all over the place.
The groom spent the entire time crying and they broke up the next day.
Later we found out that when they first started sleeping together the groom was 14 and my cousin, the bride, was 17. He's of legal age now, but I don't blame him. Run away kid.
Here's the cherry on top.
My grandfather passed away recently and the family wanted to use that same reception hall to host his "celebration of life" ceremony - only to find out we are not welcome there anymore thanks to whatever my cousin did.
Super Awkward And Raunchy
The DJ was the groom's friend and also worked at the local strip club. He was decent at first but things got super awkward and raunchy during the toasts. Many uncomfortable glances were shared.
My boss from Blockbuster Video asked me to stand in his wedding randomly. They got married next to a gazebo in this random patch of dirt/grass. I had to run the music off this tiny boombox for the bridal procession. One guy wore a nascar tshirt and matching hat for the ceremony and reception. It was an interesting crowd for sure but still ended up being fun because it wasn't serious at all. They are still together.
For The Bride
One time i went to a wedding where the groom ordered a stripper for the bride
"I Found Her Uterus!"Giphy
My aunt and uncle when they got married. She tied a chicken leg to her thigh and wore it there for the entire wedding so than they could play a trashy prank. The groom went under her dress for the garter and came out with (and tossed) the chicken leg instead. To make it better he screamed "I found her uterus!"
My grandparents were so taken aback. Needless to say we all left pretty early.
"How Many People Here Are Packing?"
My wife's niece (18) was married at the "Little White Wedding Chapel" in Las Vegas. When the minister pronounced them man and wife a series of clicks when through the audience. Maybe a dozen or so. I thought people were taking pictures but there were no flashes. I was confused.
Afterwards we were all milling around waiting to go to the reception. I was talking to my wife and her two sisters and asked them about the clicks. The conversation was baffling:
Wife - "Those were the hammers all being put down after the SOB married her."
Me - "Hammers? Like on guns?"
Wife's oldest sister - "Yeah."
Me - "How many people here are packing?"
Wife's middle sister, nonchalantly - "All of us."
I called bullsh*t on that at which time they all opened their purses. 3 women, 3 purses, 3 guns; two 9mm semi's and a revolver. My wife had a revolver on her and I literally had no idea. She said it was a loaner. I guess this is just a thing they do? I think I'm married to the mob.
The Gun Range Wedding
I went to a wedding in Iowa that was at a gun shooting range. It was a pot luck and they served keg beer. At the reception (which was a bonfire at the bride's house) the groom and his brother got into a fist fight. The brother hopped in a minivan trying to drive away, but the van got stuck in the mud - so the groom just choked him out.