Love is too often blind. The blind is only for justice. We have to adhere to warnings and truths when it comes to love and relationships. Love is hard work and most of the time it's rarely ever a fairytale. Too often we're so blinded by our feelings that we miss the red flags about when the relationship we're in is not meant to be. When you get that gut feeling that something is not right, follow it. You should not be made to feel bad when love is suppose to uplift.
Redditor u/Glorii3 wanted everyone to be very clear about when it's time to run. Love shouldn't be that difficult or painful. They asked.... What are early signs of a toxic relationship?The Innocent
Angry Go Home GIF by Salman Khan FilmsGiphyNothing is ever their fault and always yours.
This reminds me of my ex. After I found out she cheated on me, she tried to explain to me, how it was my fault, because my family didn't like her that much (because my family had kind of figured out that she was abusive). Needless to say that was the last straw that finally made me dump her and cut all contact.
Feeling Bad
When they do something that makes you uncomfortable, and they get mad at you for expressing your discomfort.
"You shouldn't feel so bad about it." Like wow I'm sorry I'm not just the amount of hurt you think I should be in response to the hurtful thing you did.
Lost Voice
When you don't feel like you can actually speak about your problems since they will take it personally or won't bother listening.
Once I was having a moment of insecurity in a relationship, and I told my then boyfriend that I didn't want to talk about it because it was irrational and unfair. He insisted I tell him, and when I did, he lost it on me and said I should have lied to him instead. He held onto that for the rest of our (nearly two year long) relationship. Learn from my mistake. Don't be in a relationship like that.
danger GIFAt Fault
When every argument is your fault and you have to be the one to apologize every time.
Same here. My PTSD enabled my ex to use my constant feeling of guilt to consistently make me the butthole, slowly breaking me down. My current partner is still helping me to break that habit.
Just Run.
All taking and no giving.
Subtly insulting you for their own pleasure.
Money problems and/or addiction.
The subtle insults! Gentle teasing now and then is fine when it's mutual. But when the jokes are always at one party's expense- especially in front of other people, designed to belittle them- that's a red flag.
Afterwork....
I am working on repairing the psychological damage from years of having to jump through hoops to prove that it's not selfish/unreasonable/crappy of me to disagree with partners or have my own needs. Turns out always having to beg to have your feelings acknowledged (not even respected, just acknowledged) messes you up a bit. The whole time I thought it was MY fault that I wasn't communicating properly or using the right words to explain my point of view, but in reality it was narcissism and selfishness on the other side, and nothing I could've done would have changed that.
Incapable
smh GIFGiphyAn inability to take responsibility for their own actions, especially if you find yourself apologizing to them for being bothered by something they did.
Their Plan
Definitely control.
But how to tell that? They will take an over active interest in your reactions to things.
They won't take no for an answer. It might be in a cute way at first, but, it still is not taking no for an answer. Insisting you go along with something (no matter how harmless it might seem), or insisting you will enjoy something.
Pretty soon, if you let that slide, they will be controlling various things.
Where you can go, who you can talk to or see, who you can look at, even. Maybe not saying it outright, "don't go there, stay home; why are you looking at them," but acting out if you do things like that and they don't like it. Having a temper tantrum if you aren't exactly the way they think you should be, and of course the trick is, there is no pleasing them. They area always upset about something you did.
It isn't only about jealousy but also friendships, family too.
And then if you give in to that, there will be a new level. Bit like a video game, only not leveling up; leveling down, into hell.
So once they get you to focus solely on them, now you are boring, or you did this wrong, did that wrong, if you say anything you talk too much, if you don't you don't talk enough, or you laugh too much, or your cooking is bad...you name it, it's wrong. Pretty soon you forget who you are and what makes you happy. Worse, you forget that it matters if you are happy.
Abuser will often pour it on too thick with romance and compliments in the beginning. That is another way to control you and it won't last. No one can keep that up.
If someone 'sweeps you off your feet' remember what comes next is a fall.
Too Much Unrest
Meme Reaction GIF by reactionseditorGiphyWhen they seem to argue with you a lot, and make petty things into a huge dispute. It's stuff like this that makes you realize how much of a toxic relationship your in.
Also when the only time they seem like there not arguing is when they need/want something from you.
Let's Chat
Just for discussion's sake: I am friends with a couple who are absolutely attached at the hip. They work together, live together, visit friends together... literally everything. I think it's weird, and probably not healthy but they seem to like it... is that still toxic? Again, this is just for the sake of discussion, I'm not really sure what I think aside from it being odd (and I little annoying because I haven't seen my friend without their s/o in years).
Independence Dayz...
wonder woman power GIF by sofiahydmanGiphyI'm in my early 30's but from my experience, when you don't let your partner have their own independent life outside of the relationship- it's a red flag.
The Silence
Trying to control you.
Giving you silent treatment.
Trying to alienate you from your friends.
Making you choose between them and your family/career/passion
Trying to police your social media.
Pressuring you into sexual activities.
I Feel It....
This is profoundly what I felt early on in my last relationship. I could feel it in the pit of my stomach, that something was simply... off. I brought up this feeling to him numerous times throughout our 6 year relationship and he countered it by saying things like " everyone feels like this in a relationship, you just have to work to get past it." I was a coward and a fool for agreeing with him each time. Not surprisingly, our relationship was garbage. It turned me into a mean, spiteful person towards him. If it feels wrong, it is wrong. Never ignore that feeling.
It's on Them
wendy williams omg GIFGiphyWhen you realize that you are spending all your time dealing with their issues, and never yours.
Bombed....
Lovebombing.
Lovebombing is a classic emotional abuse tactic and the abuser often goes hard into it early in the relationship, to get you hooked. Let's say you've been seeing someone for 3 weeks and they surprise you with tickets to an exotic vacation. Or an expensive gift. They'll also usually profess their affection for you often and kind of exaggerated. Lots of "no one else has ever made me feel like this" kinda stuff.
That way you get attached quickly and form positive perceptions of this person, so that when the abuse starts you A: don't leave because you know they're "good" underneath it and B: they can weaponize it against you as a guilt trip.
That's not to say every fast paced relationship is emotionally abusive, mind you. Every relationship works at its own speed and some are faster than others. But it's a reason to be cautious. Especially if it's an early relationship for you: abusers tend to favor inexperienced targets. Don't be afraid to say you're not ready for something, or that it's happening too fast for you to keep up with. In healthy relationships the other person will understand.
Convo to start
When you have to psyche yourself up to before you see them. When you have to map out regular conversations beforehand in your head to prevent an explosion.
Pay Attention
When you have to constantly and carefully police your words and actions to avoid setting them off. Whether it's an "anger thing" or a "drama thing," whether it's over jealousy/suspicion or neediness or them being critical or whatever, if you have to constantly walk on eggshells because it will make your life stupidly difficult if you accidentally say or do something "wrong" that triggers them to respond irrationally, you know you have a problem.
I think this is a good thing to pay attention to because it's nonspecific to the type of problem. It applies equally to physical, emotional, and psychological abuse and to those who are just energy-sucking due to their own personal issues which may not be abusive at all.
be careful.....
If, according to them, everyone they've ever dated before you mistreated them/is crazy/is to blame for their trust issues/etc, and you're the "first person who has ever treated me well", be VERY careful. It absolutely could be true, but often people who are incapable of taking responsibility for their behavior create narratives like this around their past conflicts, and it can be very easy to get sucked in (the ego validation alone can be pretty seductive).
Back Up
Step Back Pop Tv GIF by Schitt's CreekGiphyWhen they're emotional when you do leisurely things that don't involve them. Sir, this is a relationship, I need some space dammit!!!
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Unlike introverts who tend to shy away from engaging in random discussions, those who are comfortable–or too comfortable–in their own skin love to get all chatty.
That doesn't mean they have anything significant to say.
"What’s the weirdest thing someone casually told you as if it were totally normal?"
People whom you don't know tend to overshare as these Redditors experienced.
A High Request
"A story from a friend - in Colorado, someone once asked, 'Could you watch my wolves, I can pay you in weed.'"
"There's a lot to unpack in that question!"
– surlymoe
"You don't unpack wolves, you keep them together."
– hwarang_
Unsolicited Prediction
"Husband (30) and I were pushing our shopping cart out of the grocery store when a random man (who honestly looked like dumbledore) looked at my husband and said 'take my hat, you're gonna need it, you'll be bald very soon.' Obviously my husband didn't take it. It was super odd of him to say because my husband had a FULL head of hair."
"Three months later, my husband was diagnosed with a condition that made him lose all of his hair. Weird coincidence."
– hollyjollyaf
Self-Casting
"A guy once told me how he loved the feeling of wearing casts, so he'd put casts on himself- for days or weeks on end. Even if it meant he couldn't drive and would be stuck at home the entire time. He'd use vacation time just to wear full leg & arm casts."
– Present_Dust_2308
Homophobic Homosexual
A homophobic guy I know: 'Being gay is a choice.'"
"I said something like - ok, choose to be gay for a day, an hour, a single minute if you can."
"Guy - That's easy, I'm attracted to men all the time, I just choose to only like girls because I'm not gay."
"Me - Ummm..."
– discostud1515
Longheld Grudge
"Once, an older woman came up to me on the street, took hold of my wrists and simply said 'they ripped out my afterbirth', and then carried on walking."
– JennyW93
"It's strange to grab strangers. But one day in Walmart, my granny walked ahead of me, and reached to grab me to show me something, without looking and she was pulling on an old lady's arm obliviously, and the old lady's eyes were like O.O."
"My grandma didn't even apologize, she just let go and yelled at me to stay closer."
– chzygorditacrnch
A Hairdresser-In-Training
"I was getting my hair done this last weekend by my daughter at her cosmetology school. One of her fellow students was excited to meet me. She talked nonstop and eventually told me that she has hemorrhoids and that she has her husband push them back in. So much TMI from a stranger!"
– Digjam823
You never know about the personal lives of people you see on a regular basis.
Squeaky Clean
"I had a college professor on the first day of class say that she is obsessed with Q-tips and cleaning her ears and that her family has to limit her to 3 a day-"
– lokeilou
Here's The Story...
"That they have 6 kids, all with different dads & each dad is in prison."
– ChyCgx2
"I once had a coworker who had seven kids with five different women and he'd constantly complain about how most of his paycheck went to child support. You uh, dug your own grave, pal. I'm really not sympathetic to your plight."
– apocalypticradish
It's the end of the world as we know it.
End Of Civilization
"I know a guy, we don't talk often but due to business we cross paths on occasion. More or less every time we talk he asks if I'm ready for the total societal collapse coming next week, or Tuesday, or at the end of the month.. and so on."
"I just tell him that it's not gonna happen; he usually then asks about my "crystal ball" so I remind him that I've been right every time."
– rkpjr
Zombie Apocalypse
"I went to a ComicCon type event in my city years ago(Walking Dead was a new show, first season for reference) and went to a panel about zombies. They talked about historical zombie lore, the first zombie movies, and the exciting first season of the new show Walking Dead, with some actors on the panel. When they opened it up to the audience for questions one of the first ones was, 'what kind of zombies do you predict we’ll have in a real zombie apocalypse? (Fast vs slow)'…panelists don’t really know how to answer, each gives their personal favorite or worst case scenario. Then we get to, 'What do you think the timeline is for the start of a coming zombie apocalypse?' Panelists are kind of like….? Talk about how things usually play out fiction."
“'No, but exactly WHEN do you think we’ll need to be fully prepared for zombies in real life?' Like, guys, these are actors and media studies academics, first of all they don’t have the level of belief you do and second, the people you should be asking about this stuff are probably biologists."
– AlternativeAcademia
Whenever I feel threatened by a homeless person who is pressuring me to hand over them cash, I tell them, "I''m allergic to corn."
The random phrase throws them and in the brief moment they assess what they heard I'm afforded more time to distance myself from them.
It always works, especially when they realize I'm all kinds of crazy and not worth targeting.
I have been left utterly bewildered by what some people believe is acceptable thought, conversation, and behavior.
Like... "Do YOU hear you?"
It shows when a person lacks life experience and/or brain cells.
Words expose everything.
And sometimes shock is all that is left to grapple with.
Redditor nlwfty wanted to hear about all the things people have overheard that left them utterly stunned, so they asked:
"What's the most out-of-touch thing you've heard someone say?"
I once a friend's friend moan about how she and her husband were nearly destitute.
Almost penniless.
All while she was straightening up the house for the new au pair they had just gotten from Columbia.
The Who?
Over It Maid GIFGiphy"My boss once told me to have 'the maid' drop my car at the shop. WTF!!"
amboomernotkaren
Be Happy
"'You won't be happier at work if we pay you more, but we need to figure out why workplace happiness is so low.' This coming from a guy that made 10x what I did and was born into old money."
Dirac_comb
"I had a job that was paying below market rates and 'expected' daily overtime (unpaid, natch) and was trying to figure out how to improve morale. They were considering bringing in consoles and having video game nights after work... as if we weren't stuck there too long already."
"I did have the fun of leaving, then being asked to come back as a contractor to help out, and taking advantage of being on a short-term contract and giving no f**ks to suggest that maybe they should consider at least TRACKING the overtime people were working, even if they weren't going to pay for it since there was probably a whole extra job's worth of hours in there and maybe hiring another person might improve morale and reduce the risk of the kind of errors tired people make."
"Didn't stay long as a temp. Apparently telling the truth and discussing facts with your co-workers isn't good for morale >_< They told everyone I was leaving because I got a better offer (!), but I told everyone exactly what was really happening when they asked XD."
princess_ferocious
It hasn't?
"My dad (who is now the Director of Accounting for the school district I teach for) was talking about how my starting pay was way more than his starting pay."
"I said, 'Well, yeah... The cost of living has increased a ton since then.' This motherf**ker straight up said, 'No it hasn't.'"
"He started working there in 1992. This conversation happened in like 2017 (about a year after I started working there). Again, he is the director of accounting."
pjsans
Move On
"'You seem sad.'"
"My mother to my sister, at her husband's funeral."
blarg-zilla
"My sister's son was murdered. Two weeks later my mom asked her if she was over it yet."
NeverCallMeFifi
"One of my sons was murdered 12 years ago. Many people started telling me that I needed to 'move on' after 4-6 weeks. My brother refuses to say my son's name, so I no longer speak to him. Sending my deepest condolences to your family from a mom who understands losing a child to homicide."
PDXer328
Good Idea!
New Girl Facepalm GIF by HULUGiphy“'I don’t know why people get big mortgages. Just save up for a few months and pay cash for a starter home!'"
Hopeful-Moose87
People with money always seem to have a plan, unless the plan is sharing.
FInd the Treasure
Dragons Den Television GIF by CBCGiphy"When people were complaining about not being able to afford housing/food/living in general, one of the Dutch ministers (I think he was a minister or at least the leader of a party) said something along the line of 'well, find a rich boyfriend then'. ah, yes, that will solve the crisis!"
pastelchannl
Dumbfounded
"I went to an Ivy League college with lots of children of extraordinarily wealthy families. When discussing inequality and its effects on housing, my professor briefly mentioned how mortgages are out of reach for a growing number of Americans. The girl next to me stopped the class, and with a confused face asked the professor why people don’t just buy their homes in cash outright because 'surely the interest means it will cost them more over time.' The professor was dumbfounded. I found out later that she is the heiress to a major luxury brand that you have all heard of."
wildblue2
The Increase
"My former landlord and his wife dropped by to tell me and my financially struggling 20-something roommates that they were raising the rent, by nearly 25%. They said, 'We noticed on Craigslist that neighbors had higher rent so we’re doing the same.' The wife then earnestly reminded us that we’ve been great tenants but maybe we just needed to find some higher-paying jobs. 🙃."
agingcatmom
Not Me
"I was waxing a woman’s eyebrows once and she was complaining that sometimes after she gets a massage the pillow leaves a circular indent on her face and she can’t go out to lunch after. She then asked me if that ever happened to me? I was like ma'am I wax people for eleven bucks an hour; I’m not going out to lunch lol, let alone getting massages."
lomi08
Investments
Money Invest GIF by ProBit GlobalGiphy"Something like: Give a rich person $500 and they will invest it into $1000. Give it to a poor person and they will spend it in a week."
"Yeah exactly give it to someone who’s needs are met and they can save… give it to someone who needs to eat/pay rent etc they will spend it to survive!"
ExaminationLucky6082
You need money to make money.
One of life's biggest lessons apparently.
So someone give me some money.