JOIN
OUR EMAIL LIST!

Insults Are An Art

Admit it, there are times you really want to just look someone in the eye and let loose a string of expletives that would make a sailor blush. Unfortunately, that's not always possible. That doesn't mean you can't let a person know exactly how little you think of them. Reddit got together to answer a hugely important question:

What's your best non-swearing insult?

Let's Get Shakespearean

My favorite Shakespearean insult is - "Could you ask your mother to stop barking? It is keeping me awake."

Honourable mentions include "would you were clean enough to spit upon!"; "Come out you sheep lovers!"; "If you spend word for word with me, i shall make your wit bankrupt."; "Thou hath not so much brain, as ear wax."; "Thou wilt fall backwards when thou hast more wit"

And finally, "Come thou tedious fool. To the purpose."

This sounds like something Snape would say

There was this incredibly snotty kid I went to high school with. He was bright, but not exceptionally bright. His parents were wealthy and he was good enough to qualify for AP classes so he felt special. He couldn't help but let everyone else know how special he was... Our AP history teacher told him that he would "see how painfully average" he was when he got to college. It was great.

The lyrical burn

Adapted from Bob Dylan's "Positively 4th Street",

I wish that for a moment you could stand in my shoes, then you'd know what a drag it is to see you

Yeah, that means you're stupid.

"As an outsider, what is your perspective on intelligence?"

The classy shutdown

Thank you for your input. (Then change the subject.)

An insult or a compliment, you decide. Literally.

One that stuck in my head from a similar thread years ago. I think it was posted by somebody in the food service industry who had to be pleasant with someone who was clearly being a d*ck. "I hope your day is as pleasant as you are"

Wait... ouch

You're impossible to underestimate.

From the mouth of babes

When my friend and I were about 5 years old, I was being a twat and sitting at the top of the slide just so he couldn't use it. In a fit of unbridled fury he screamed, "YOU SLIMY SALAMANDER!"

Both our moms were watching from the porch and were applauding at such a moving performance. Neither of remember it happening, but we call each other slimy salamanders from time to time.

Completely unimportant.

You are the human equivalent of a participation award.

Translation: You suck.

You haven't been yourself lately. We've all noticed the improvement.

We call this one "The Mother In Law"

Any compliment followed by a short pause, and then "for once".

Example: you look really nice today... for once.

Very versatile, roller-coaster of emotions.

Ahh, insults borne of the internet age

My wife's coworker was called "you stock photo" once, and it's been my favorite ever since

This 2 for 1 insult is savage

Your grades say marry rich, but your face says study harder.

No, you!

It only really works if somebody else starts it, but my personal favorite is "No you"

No matter what they throw at you, you always have something to say.

"You're probably 12 kid stfu" "No u"

I mostly use it in game chat, and one time I got someone so frustrated that they could not top me that they rage quit.

That's just mean

I hope that both sides of your pillow are warm when you go to bed tonight.

Ew.

The best part of you dripped down your mother's leg.

This hard hitter

I don't know why you're playing hard to get when you're so hard to want.

This must have been epic to witness

This girl I knew once turned to this other person we knew and went:

"Hello, hello! That was 2 hellos, one for each of your faces"

What an explosive slight

"If your intelligence was dynamite, you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose." -Friends Dad

Good Ol' Winston

Paraphrasing Churchill: "I see that you're are a modest man, with much to be modest about."

Historical harshness

You're about as useful as Anne Frank's drum set.

Truth hurts

Used when someone is having an emotional flip out:

I am unimpressed by your inability to control your emotions.The short comings of your upbringing is not my problem. Go do something more productive, get some self control and come back when you are ready to act like a self respecting adult.

Sounds like a fun work environment

I think the best I've ever heard an absolutely vile co-worker being described as a person that can start an argument with an empty room. Using it ever since

Be a better neighbor

My favorite is always "You're not living up to the person Mr. Rogers knew you could be." When you bust that out, usually people have to seriously consider it.

The singular worst insult we've ever heard

Just call them Caillou

H/T: Reddit

Image by Mary Pahlke from Pixabay

There are few things more satisfying than a crisp $20 bill. Well, maybe a crisp $100 bill.

But twenty big ones can get you pretty far nonetheless.

Whether it's tucked firmly in a birthday card, passing from hand to hand after a knee-jerk sports bet, or going toward a useful tool, the old twenty dollar bill has been used for countless purposes.


Keep reading... Show less
Image by Jan Vašek from Pixabay

I realize that school safety has been severely compromised and has been under dire scrutiny over the past decade and of course, it should be. And when I was a student, my safety was one of my greatest priorities but, some implemented rules under the guise of "safety" were and are... just plain ludicrous. Like who thinks up some of these ideas?

Redditor u/Animeking1108 wanted to discuss how the education system has ideas that sometimes are just more a pain in the butt than a daily enhancement... What was the dumbest rule your school enforced?
Keep reading... Show less
Image by Angelo Esslinger from Pixabay

One of the golden rules of life? Doctors are merely human. They don't know everything and they make mistakes. That is why you always want to get another opinion. Things are constantly missed. That doesn't mean docs don't know what they're doing, they just aren't infallible. So make sure to ask questions, lots of them.

Redditor u/Gorgon_the_Dragon wanted to hear from doctors about why it is imperative we always get second and maybe third opinions by asking... Doctors of Reddit, what was the worse thing you've seen for a patient that another Doctor overlooked?
Keep reading... Show less
Image by nonbirinonko from Pixabay

When we think about learning history, our first thought is usually sitting in our high school history class (or AP World History class if you're a nerd like me) being bored out of our minds. Unless again, you're a huge freaking nerd like me. But I think we all have the memory of the moment where we realized learning about history was kinda cool. And they usually start from one weird fact.

Here are a few examples of turning points in learning about history, straight from the keyboards of the people at AskReddit.

U/Tynoa2 asked: What's your favourite historical fact?


Keep reading... Show less