People Share Their Most Brutal, Profanity-Free Insults

Insults Are An Art

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Admit it, there are times you really want to just look someone in the eye and let loose a string of expletives that would make a sailor blush. Unfortunately, that's not always possible. That doesn't mean you can't let a person know exactly how little you think of them. Reddit got together to answer a hugely important question:

What's your best non-swearing insult?

Let's Get Shakespearean

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My favorite Shakespearean insult is - "Could you ask your mother to stop barking? It is keeping me awake."

Honourable mentions include "would you were clean enough to spit upon!"; "Come out you sheep lovers!"; "If you spend word for word with me, i shall make your wit bankrupt."; "Thou hath not so much brain, as ear wax."; "Thou wilt fall backwards when thou hast more wit"

And finally, "Come thou tedious fool. To the purpose."

This sounds like something Snape would say

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There was this incredibly snotty kid I went to high school with. He was bright, but not exceptionally bright. His parents were wealthy and he was good enough to qualify for AP classes so he felt special. He couldn't help but let everyone else know how special he was... Our AP history teacher told him that he would "see how painfully average" he was when he got to college. It was great.

The lyrical burn

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Adapted from Bob Dylan's "Positively 4th Street",

I wish that for a moment you could stand in my shoes, then you'd know what a drag it is to see you

Yeah, that means you're stupid.

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"As an outsider, what is your perspective on intelligence?"

The classy shutdown

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Thank you for your input. (Then change the subject.)

An insult or a compliment, you decide. Literally.

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One that stuck in my head from a similar thread years ago. I think it was posted by somebody in the food service industry who had to be pleasant with someone who was clearly being a d*ck. "I hope your day is as pleasant as you are"

Wait... ouch

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You're impossible to underestimate.

From the mouth of babes

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When my friend and I were about 5 years old, I was being a twat and sitting at the top of the slide just so he couldn't use it. In a fit of unbridled fury he screamed, "YOU SLIMY SALAMANDER!"

Both our moms were watching from the porch and were applauding at such a moving performance. Neither of remember it happening, but we call each other slimy salamanders from time to time.

Completely unimportant.

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You are the human equivalent of a participation award.

Translation: You suck.

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You haven't been yourself lately. We've all noticed the improvement.

We call this one "The Mother In Law"

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Any compliment followed by a short pause, and then "for once".

Example: you look really nice today... for once.

Very versatile, roller-coaster of emotions.

Ahh, insults borne of the internet age

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My wife's coworker was called "you stock photo" once, and it's been my favorite ever since

This 2 for 1 insult is savage

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Your grades say marry rich, but your face says study harder.

No, you!

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It only really works if somebody else starts it, but my personal favorite is "No you"

No matter what they throw at you, you always have something to say.

"You're probably 12 kid stfu" "No u"

I mostly use it in game chat, and one time I got someone so frustrated that they could not top me that they rage quit.

That's just mean

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I hope that both sides of your pillow are warm when you go to bed tonight.


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The best part of you dripped down your mother's leg.

This hard hitter

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I don't know why you're playing hard to get when you're so hard to want.

This must have been epic to witness

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This girl I knew once turned to this other person we knew and went:

"Hello, hello! That was 2 hellos, one for each of your faces"

What an explosive slight

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"If your intelligence was dynamite, you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose." -Friends Dad

Good Ol' Winston

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Paraphrasing Churchill: "I see that you're are a modest man, with much to be modest about."

Historical harshness

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You're about as useful as Anne Frank's drum set.

Truth hurts

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Used when someone is having an emotional flip out:

I am unimpressed by your inability to control your emotions.The short comings of your upbringing is not my problem. Go do something more productive, get some self control and come back when you are ready to act like a self respecting adult.

Sounds like a fun work environment

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I think the best I've ever heard an absolutely vile co-worker being described as a person that can start an argument with an empty room. Using it ever since

Be a better neighbor

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My favorite is always "You're not living up to the person Mr. Rogers knew you could be." When you bust that out, usually people have to seriously consider it.

The singular worst insult we've ever heard

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Just call them Caillou

H/T: Reddit

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