Sex is an interesting part of any relationship. Well actually it's an essential part of a relationship. And sadly so many people are soooo bad at it. Sex is an art. And people need to learn a few things. And there is no shame in telling someone that.
Redditor u/klausthefishson wanted people to fess up to who was their worst partners in romance by asking... Who was your most boring/awkward sexual partner? What made them so bad in bed?
So most guys are aware of "the starfish" (girl just lays there with limbs spread out) but I encountered "the plank."
She laid there, legs the bare minimum apart, tensing her muscles so she was stiff, arms at her sides. When I asked her to relax and try to get more into it, she said "Why?"
It's not all fun...
I dated this girl my freshman year of college who was super Christian and had no sexual experience. She had told me she only masturbated once, and didn't like it. I was fine with it to each their own, and made it clear that I wouldn't want to do anything that would make her uncomfortable. Anyway, cut to a few months later. She wanted to try some stuff like giving me a handy and for me to go down on her.
-She looked up stuff about giving a handjob, but didn't know how to act when she was doing it so... she beatboxed. She wanted to keep rhythm. so she beatboxed. every time.
-When I went down on her, she had almost no sexual feeling. I asked her how it felt and she said very strange, and it tickled. When her legs started shaking, she got really confused and frustrated because she couldn't control it. Strangest experience of my life. SlamdolfTheGay
Don't be lazy!Giphy
My ex that I dated for 3 years. We wanted to be kinky and role play, but I think he was just really lazy. He was the type that didn't care for foreplay, giving head was a special event but he always expected to receive it. He only made me orgasm a few times, most times I would just masturbate afterwards, while he's already moved on and browsing Facebook.
Like I said, we tried to be kinky, but he was lazy. Sometimes I would be giving him head and all of a sudden, he'd start talking as if we were doing an incest role play. It was so awkward, him just lying there and then randomly,
"o-oh... what are you doing...? What if mom finds out?"
That was his go to line, every. single. time. YourWaifu420
Too much helium...
When she was on top she'd flail her arms a bit much, it felt like a wacky waving inflatable tube guy was on me.
I have and ex who would not say that she came, but went. In other words...
"I'm gonna cum...(orgasm)...I went."
Yes, English was her native language.
I dragged a guy home from a bar. I have no idea what he was trying to do with his fingers but it did not work and almost hurt. I'm guessing he had watched some porn and thought like "oh yeah this is the thing imma try it!"
He didn't even listen when I told him it's not working for me, do this instead etc., and just kept doing his weird thing. Finally I got fed up with his fidgeting and just told him to stop and went to sleep. He had left before I woke up in the morning.
I had a brief relationship with a guy that had difficulty lasting. That's not a big deal, it happens, there are other things we can do, etc. But his solution was to go into a different room and masturbate as an attempt to last longer. Like would get up mid make-out and go into the bathroom, leaving me there alone, without even a "give me a second, brb." Only to come back give me a few seconds of coitus and spend the next hour feeling sorry for himself. Not sexy.
Dogs are weird...
Her little dog just couldn't stop licking me. Like, I swear, I locked it out of the room like three times. Tickled like crap, super distracting, busted a nut the first time because I was trying to concentrate and then I was getting surprise tickles in the middle of things. Nothing wrong with the girl, other than she didn't see a problem with having a threesome with a Pomeranian. Allisade
One girl I was with said she wanted to give me the best bj of my life, so I said "yes, let's do that." And she started kissing my penis, and asked if I liked it. I said I did. then she licked it a couple times and asked if i liked that. I said yes, I liked that. then she kissed the it two or three times, asked if I liked that.
Now I'm getting annoyed because keeps asking if I like what she's doing, and I do but the conversation seems unnecessary and she keeps stopping to ask me the world's stupidest question. But I'm not an idiot, so I said "yes, that feels great." And she then says "are you getting close?"
Now in my opinion, the bj hasn't even started yet. She's done nothing but kiss and lick it a couple times, hasn't even put it in her mouth but she wants so know if I'm getting close.
Now I'm really annoyed because it was clear I was not going to get the best blowjob of my life... it was likely not going to clear the bar of the WORST bj, and I had one where the girl had a chipped molar. I gave it a little more patience, and then acted like I was too aroused to not have sex with her, and eventually got off. One time later at a party with a bunch of friends, I overheard her tell another girl "he LOVES my bjs." And it was a filthy lie. McFeely_Smackup
It's all about the visuals...
Went on a OkCupid Date a few years ago. Super cool girl, we got along really well. She suggested we go back to my house to binge watch some Netflix since we both liked the same shows. We are laying in my bed and things start to progress. After a few mins we are both in our birthday suits, and I already know what is eventually going to happen so I decide to go down on her since its something thats usually mutually enjoyed. As I'm down there having fun I look up and she is def into it but has decided to not only lock eyes with me, but every time I break my stare and look back again she flares her eyes as wide as they can go. She then repeats that every time we re connect visually... Everything else besides that was truly awesome, I just couldn't get over it.
Tic-Toc not Tic-Tac...
Well, he insisted on playing strip tic-tac-toe - aka, that game that ends in a draw like 99% of the time. For a while I played along and was trying to win games but obviously that didn't work so I just started throwing games, and he'd be like "Ok, take off one sock, not both."
Like, this is in the middle of a Canadian winter and we're all wearing 2 layers even indoors, I don't have all night.CupcakeofDeath
Just be silent...Giphy
Two exes ago. He was awful at dirty talk. He called his butt "the love swamp" and felt the need to sing during sex. Yes. Sing.
He also thought things like mutual masturbation and 69'ing were "kinky" and he loved to tell me after sex that he hadn't been in the mood but he felt "obligated" because we were dating. Unsurprisingly I stopped asking him pretty quickly. packingpests
Harder?! But... HARDER!!
I had a girl that was into scary rough sex. I know some girls like an butt slap here or there and I'm no prude that's fine. This stuff was on a whole other level. I'd known the girl for a bit and she was a nice girl, fairly timid. She initiated the sex which I was taken aback by but thought alright awesome, sex. I was fairly young and not overly experienced.
We get down to it and everything's going well. Then she tells me to slap her, I blew it off and kept doing my thing so she yells "f**king slap me." I don't know what to do, just pretend I didn't hear again and she screams. At that point I thought about stopping but didn't. Eventually I complied with a light tap on her cheek.
She keeps screaming harder and calls me a sissy and I slapped her harder. I just basically followed orders. I'm just really regretting letting it even get this far. She eventually is finally done, I was nowhere close because I was so uncomfortable. To her credit she tried to finish me off and all that but I just couldn't. I told her it was fine and put my shorts and a shirt on and went outside and smoked a cigarette and contemplate life. She left shortly after and texted me the next day. "My neck really hurts, last night was a lot of fun we should hang out again soon." mattrad
This isn't a buffet.
So there was a guy who was a few years older than myself who really wanted to start me off. I was just thinking, wow what a gentleman...older too, so he probably has some pretty good tricks up his sleeve. He starts on me and it's already getting sloppy. Ok, I'll cut him some slack. He's pretty enthusiastic so definite props. Then he asks me if he minds a little nibble. Uh, yea sure, let's get this ball rollin. Next thing I knew he straight up bit me. Not a nibble. I repeat, NOT a nibble. I should've just politely told him no but I reacted more quickly than I could speak and smacked his head. I mean what was I supposed to do considering he just chomped my most sacred lady part? Needless to say, the night ended shortly afterwards. I'm not really picky, but come on... there only needs to be one beaver between the 2 of us. kissmeaphrodite
My ex. He wasn't one to show emotion at all. But he was very ticklish and it was adorable. But dear God. I might as well had strapped a sex toy on a pillow if I knew sex was gonna be like that. I didn't mind it for the most part, because he was very sexually active, but like... As soon as the pants came off, he was just a plank on the bed. He'd stare off into space a lot. I asked him why and he said he's trying not to bust. But any type of sex act preformed on him, he would freeze up and I'd have to ask if I was doing okay or if he was enjoying himself. It kinda made me feel like I wasn't good enough for him, but he was a good sport in keeping my self esteem up for the most part while we were together. CosmosFactor
Carry a towel...
Not bad sex by any means, but I once had a girl say she was so wet she was cascading. All I could think about after that was dish detergent and couldn't stop laughing. you_buy_now
So I'm no Don Juan when it comes to sex but I one brought a guy back to my place (I am a dude) who was pretty hot. Like a league above mine kinda deal. Things get steamy and we start stripping. First thing to hit me was the smell. It had a weird grasslike smell. Never encountered that before (he was not a vegan either). It wasn't foul just odd. As I go down on him he started to make this face that's like when a baby is about to poop but doesn't know what it is. Like grumpy and confused... ok.
While I'm down there he starts to stroke my nose, while my head is going up and down, and eventually fingers my nose. I flip him and start the other side (I'm a top).I'm putting on the consumer and start lunging up he started to make a noise. I don't know how to describe it other than a dolphin call mixed with the sound a Nascar race makes as it goes by. As I just start to insert he finishes... all... over... everything. Like he peed seed. It was on the walls, floor, bed, night stand. Everywhere but the towels I put down.
He rolls over exhausted, like he just finished a 5 minute mile. At this point I don't even want to finish myself I just want to clean. He cleaned himself off with a towel, dresses (i offered my shower), grabs a beer from my fridge and leaves. I spent the rest of my evening washing the hardwood and getting stuff out of my alarm clock.
That was the weirdest sex I've ever had. PEACEMENDER
I love Hagen Daz!Giphy
We had really good sex. At least I thought we were. In the middle of it, he pulls out and asks "do you have ice cream?" Yeah omg maybe he has this kinky thing he wants to do with ice cream. I'm open to that, so I go get the pint. He eats my ice cream. And leaves. He took my ice cream and we didn't even finish! IceQueenCat
Hello Mrs. Robinson...
More awkward than boring - the guy I lost my virginity to would get super emotional after sex. We were purely physical, but in like the 10 minutes after sex, he'd weep and hold onto me. Then it would be like nothing happened. Oh and when we'd hang out, and my mom would come in, he'd pop a boner. glittertaint