People Share The Most Savage Response They Ever Gave To A Stupid Question
That is a lie! Lie! Lie! Lie! As anyone who has ever worked in customer service knows, there is a such thing as a stupid question. And we have been dying for a clapback, so buckle up:
Inside_jokes_outside asked Reddit:
And started the party with this answer:
A List To Begin
So, you think you're a smart-arse eh? I got this idea from an e-mail I received tonight and though to myself - "Reddit is full of smart arses!" Make me laugh guys and girls! Once I go to bed tonight I probably won't be able to check up on it until I get back from work on friday, saturday, or next friday, depending on how mean my boss is feeling!
Here's a few from that e-mail! These are more like jokes, but I think you know what I'm after. Thanks in advance for the hilarity!
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. "What are my choices?" the man asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Woolworths store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, "Do these Chickens get any bigger?" The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."
A truck driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?" The truck driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"
A teacher at a West Australian High School reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
"Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."
This was a telegram correspondence between Winston Churchill and George Bernard Shaw, with Shaw inviting Churchill to a play. It's a little mild but it's always amused me.
Shaw - "Have reserved two tickets for first night. Come and bring a friend if you have one."
Churchill - "Impossible to come to first night. Will come to second night, if you have one."
Standup comedian: "the first time I had sex.."
Female heckler: "yesterday?"
/laughter ensues for more than a minute/
Comedian: "I'm glad you remembered"
This old dude (Peter) who lives on the outskirts of my town was pulling a big chain along the side of the highway near his property. A policeman stopped and yelled, "Peter, why are you pulling that chain along the road?"
Peter replied, "cuz I'd look some f-cking stupid pushing it".
When I was younger, before leaving the house I used to ask my dad to put my shoes on for me and virtually every time he would reply...
"They won't fit me".
Dad Jokes Pt. 2
I ask my dad to turn on the radio.
"Oh, radio. Hey baby. Come here often?"
I was at an airport and saw a girl, 5-6 years old, with one of those backpack leases that parents use to keep the kid from running away. She had the end of the leash in her own hand and her mother yelled at her: "Get back over here!" and the little girl responded: "I can't, you don't have the leash!" and ran off.
I Blame Reagan
Mr.Cool himself, Miles Davis was once invited to a dinner in the white house by Ronald Reagan. Not many of the other guest knew who he was, so the mood around him was a bit tense. In a silent streak during the meal Nancy Reagan turned to Davis and asked him what he'd done with his life to merit an invitation. To which Davis replied "Well, I've changed the course of music five or six times. What have you done except f-ck the president?"
"Have a nice day."
"Don't tell me what to do."
I've been saying this for about fifteen years and it always catches people off guard.
Waaaaaay back in boot camp, I heard this gem from a drill instructor destroying a (very) country recruit.
DI: What's you're favorite food, fat boy?
R: Gravy, sir!
DI: Whooooooo gravy! What kind of gravy do you like, fat boy?
R: Deer gravy, Sir!
DI: Whoooooo! Deer gravy!? I bet, fat boy. Hey, I bet that's how you start all your letters home, "Dear gravy, I miss you. Love, FAT BOY!"
Hooked On Phonics
Our teacher wanted to help us improve our spelling so she started a daily spelling test. After getting really bad marks for a few days in a row, she asked me "Why are you doing so poorly?"
"It's not my fault! You change the words everyday!" I retorted.
Me annoying someone,
Them - "Do you mind?!"
Me - "No I babysit."
But Was He Kidding
I work in an inbound customer service call center for a commercial insurance company and take payments by phone. A few days ago a guy called in to make his payment with a credit card, so I'm going through the motions asking him for the card number and expiration, and I say "and how does your name appear on the card?" He replies with "on the front.." Caught me off guard and was probably the funniest thing I've heard so far in the year I've worked there.
Whenever I would say that I'm thinking, my dad would say "I thought I smelled something burning"
My dad: Holds up a shirt is this you? (asking if its my shirt)
Me: No, dad, that is a shirt.
I Am Small
As a petite person, someone commented on how small my hands are "It'd look a little strange if I had such a small body and big hands wouldn't it?"
Don't Sass Your Moms
I got into an argument with my mom about something, and i ended up swearing or saying something she didn't like, and she tells me "watch your mouth" without missing a beat i shoot back a "I can't my nose is in the way". She did not appreciate that one.
"Hey, what happened with you and your girlfriend?"
"We broke up."
Do You Have A Bathroom?
I work in a large restaurant. It's not uncommon at all for people to ask where the bathroom is. I've started saying "Yeah, we had to get rid of it. It's been a really tough recession, you know? It was one of the first things to go." People normally look at me in kind of knowing shock. After a moment, of course, I'll give them directions. Everyone laughs.
This Joke Has Air
Work at an airport.
Someone asks, "Hey, how's the airline business?"
I reply, "It has its ups and downs."
Some people chuckle. Others outright laugh. Meanwhile I cry a bit inside because its more downs than anything.