How many know-it-alls or one-uppers have you met in your life? The answer's probably quite a few, right? It's always a bore when you run into people like this and when you can spot how much they're trying to get the people around them to oooh and aaah from a hundred miles away.
After Redditor da_hammah1 asked the online community, "What was a 'Dude, just go home' kinda moment when you witnessed someone trying to impress people?" people came forward to share their stories.
We can't stop cringing.
"I had a guy pull up in the lane beside my car..."
I had a guy pull up in the lane beside my car on a motorcycle at a red light. He did this little wave and kissy smooch face at me and kept revving it up. When the light turned he tried to do a wheelie take off and ended up falling off. I stopped and asked if he was okay at which point he realized that I was old enough to be his mother. Still makes me laugh.
"She used to say..."
My best friend in high school used to come up with the most insane lies to be more interesting. She used to tell us her dad (who she had no contact with) owned multiple houses in an area similar to I'd say Malibu. She used to say she was a child model, and that her family opened the first Coke factory. It never stopped and a year after we graduated, she bought a ring at something like a dollar store and told everyone she was engaged to a model from the US (when we asked to see a photo, she used a stock photo from Google lmao) We constantly had second-hand embarassement.
"A bunch of residents came into the function suite..."
I was at a wedding on one of the islands far off the north west coast of Scotland. We were at the reception in a hotel, it was around 9pm, things were going well, everyone was having fun.
A bunch of residents came into the function suite, and most of them were fine. They kinda just disappeared into the mix, really. But this one lad...
The happy couple were amongst the last in our friendship group to tie the knot. Consequently, almost all of the women there were married. This one lad decided he was going to have a crack at pulling each woman. He went around the room, in sequence. When he crashed and burned with one, he'd go on to the next. Usually, the next was in earshot of the previous conversation.
He would use the same line on each lady: "Why have you come here, it's a total s***hole?"
Nobody gave him any grief, we were all in too good of a mood. And he was wrong: it wasn't a s***hole, at least not for a visit. Perhaps a bit limiting to live there, but for a visit it was lovely.
"We were all waiting for the bus..."
We were all waiting for the bus after school and this kid whipped out a guitar and sang a god awful remix of some Jason Mraz song to his love interest. It didn't help that his absurdly unkempt finger nails were used as his "guitar pick". It was a train wreck and I still violently cringe whenever I think about the poor girl just standing there trying to be polite throughout the ordeal.
"Well, it went a bit wrong."
I was in the smoking area of a busy bar with a friend of mine, and he started chatting up a girl. I was doing the usual small-talk with her friend - you know, the small-talk that has the subtext of "Well, those two are probably gonna bang, how about this weather we've been having huh?"
My drunk friend decided to do the condom trick to impress his new-found lady friend. The trick where you unroll a condom, snort it up your nose, and spit it out your mouth.
Well, it went a bit wrong. The condom went up his nose alright, and some of it managed to drop down into his throat, but the base of it stayed lodged somewhere around his sinuses. Within seconds, theatrical snorting gave way to uncontrollable coughing, choking noises, and then projectile vomiting that sprayed out his mouth and his one unblocked nostril, covering the table, a large area of floor, and (of course) his new-found lady friend.
Cleared the entire smoking room, got us both thrown out of the bar, and needless to say he did not get laid that night.
"We eventually convinced him..."
Two years ago at a four-day camping music festival, it was two or three in the morning and our group had made our way back to our campsite, sitting around and chilling for a bit before those of us who were turning in did so. Occasionally the group picks up hangers-on in the Forest, and for the most part they're cool people. This guy was being obnoxious, though, and I don't know who he was tagging along with. Perhaps that person had left again, and this guy felt he had found an audience.
He was on an inflatable sofa between a couple of others, the rest of the circle made up with camping chairs. Some people are sitting, some are walking around or going in and out of tents preparing to head back out.
He keeps asking people for topics to freestyle about. "Gimme a word, man. Or a thing. I'll freestyle about it. I'm good but I gotta get better, and you guys can help me practice."
He would just keep repeating that until someone humored him and give him a starting word. For the life of me, I can't remember a single one of the prompts he dragged out of us. But when he got one, it would always go the same way. He'd start improvising four or five syllable lines that included the initial word, then he'd get maybe one or two coherent lines after that which rhymed. Then he would just kind of fall into a mumble, not saying anything but keeping the rhythm he established. Occasionally words would bubble up out of the mumblemush, usually things that rhyme with his starting word.
After he'd run dry on a word, which never took long, he'd immediately start pestering someone else for a topic. Even when it was hinted at that we were after a quieter, calmer atmosphere, he just went, "Yeah man, that's cool, I get it. ...Gimme a word, man. I can freestyle about anything."
We eventually convinced him to go try to find his friends. But of the people who were around, no one was impressed, and everyone just wanted him to stop.
"He just took a sip..."
I went out with a group of my brother's friends one time and one of our group was a smarmy, frosted tip and pooka shells kind of douchebro. We were shown our seats at a Thai restaurant and a few of us are ordering wine. Douchebro is sitting across from me next to a girl and he's bragging about some bottle of wine he had recently (tangentially, I discovered years later - wine is one of my hobbies now - that this winery he was bragging about is just kind of okay). This girl is totally falling for all his crap. She's very impressed with the $30 bottle of wine that this guy said he had one time.
The server brings us our wine and he proceeds to put on this ridiculous performance with a $9 glass of cheap red wine - swirling it, holding it up to the light, sniffing it and then tasting it. He nodded - not sure if that meant the wine was good or bad - and then the girl asked him if he would taste hers and tell her what he thought. Surprisingly, he didn't do any of the swirling or sniffing with her wine. He just took a sip, set down the glass and put on his best thoughtful face. He then put his hand up, made magic fingers for a second and pinched the air with his thumb and two fingers.
"It's a bit...brighter?"
"I wanted to eat a bullet."
I was at a party in college and some dude started acting out some scene from the Dark Knight as the Joker in front of a bunch of confused girls. The movie had just come out a few months earlier, so it was pretty obvious what he was doing.
Everyone in the immediate vicinity stopped talking and we all watched this dude awkwardly act out a one-sided scene as Heath Ledger's Joker, after which he started trying to talk to the girls while still in character.
At one point he jumped up on a coffee table and one of the guys that apparently lived there, angrily yelled at him to stop and get off the table unless he "wanted his @ss beat". Clearly caught off guard, he finally breaks character, sheepishly says "oh..sorry...sorry" and awkwardly saunters off and sits down on a couch, trying to play it off like nothing happened.
I wanted to eat a bullet.
"He kept looking at people..."
Guy in an expensive looking suit, with an expensive looking haircut, carrying an expensive looking briefcase, pushing through a bunch of people at a bus stop (including elderly) while loudly talking on the phone about the "VIP accounts" he managed. He kept looking at people and smirking. When the light changed, he immediately charged across the street, saying something like "move, I'm more important than you" ... And he slipped on the road kill possum in the crosswalk, and put his hand in it.
"He thought it would be a good idea..."
I have a girl friend who is a lesbian. She is a beautiful woman. The number of guys who do not take "I only like women" as a no to their advances is staggering. I've been lightly assaulted twice when I've asked them to leave her alone. The most "go home" moment, though, has to be the time when a dude went up to karaoke the song "I kissed a girl" by Katy Perry to try and impress her after being shot down.
He thought it would be a good idea to switch the word "girl" with "guy".... for reasons? It was brutal.
"We were at a free outdoor concert..."
I swear this was like a scene out of a movie.
We were at a free outdoor concert in our downtown area (Night Ranger) and there was a VIP section roped off for the first few rows in front of the stage and an open area in front of the stage where some people were dancing. One drunk middle-aged-balding-potbellied guy decided it would be a fantastic idea to climb-up the 5-ft to the top of the stage and "join the band".
So he pulls himself up onto the stage, almost knocked over a mic-stand while he was standing-up, then turned around to the audience with this "Hey look at me everybody !!!" facial expression just as one of the crew-members appeared from behind the gave the guy a good shove.
It was hilarious because all I saw from where I was is homeboy going off the stage head-first but didn't see him landing on the asphalt-street below. Next thing I saw was the security guys helping this guy stand up (with his glasses all crooked on his face) and him looking like in the cartoons when somebody gets hit hard and they have those imaginary-birds or stars rotating around their head.
"Wanting to be the guy who can drink more alcohol than anyone..."
In college, the guy who claimed he could out drink anyone and lined up shots to prove it. We ended up carrying him home after he puked all over the table. He wasn't the only person I witnessed in this predicament. Wanting to be the guy who can drink more alcohol than anyone has always seemed like a weird life goal to me.
"This obnoxious dude..."
This obnoxious dude that I have mutual friends with is always desperate for attention. We were all camping recently and rented a pontoon and of course he 'had' to drive it. Well he intentionally was plowing through wakes because it was 'fun'. Well he hit one so hard the nose dipped and the boat took of a lot of water. Of course it didn't sink but it still infuriated the mother of the 6 month old that was ON BOARD with us. Needless to say he was not very popular for the rest of the weekend.
"I used to be quite good..."
I used to be quite good at (respectfully) chatting up women in bars. My best friend used to come with me and he'd constantly talk about himself and his family and have absolutely no idea how to read a situation or an audience. I remember once he just threw into a conversation about how he makes it his mission to not let women make him cum because of..... reasons? You could literally hear the vaginas drying up in a mile radius.
"I had started going to the gym..."
My dumbass in high school:
I had started going to the gym then and because of that (and a healthy dose of anime), I used to carry my backpack over my shoulder with one hand and would just have the other hand permanently inside my pocket.
I thought I looked cool. I didn't.
Anyway, I was going by the soccer field with a buddy and these group of girls were playing and they happened to kick the ball near me. I was by the goal post. Me still in my "cool posture" thought hey I'll kick the ball in the same posture. It'll look even cooler.
Not only did I miss spectacularly but I also caught my foot in the goal net and fell...with my hands in my pocket.
The girls laughed. My buddy pointed and laughed. I got up and decided I needed to go home.
"Watched an intoxicated man..."
Watched an intoxicated man play a 17 minute cover of Freebird in a (failed) attempt to impress a woman.
No, buddy, she doesn't want to come home with you.
"When my girlfriend and I were driving home..."
When my girlfriend and I were driving home and saw a guy doing shirtless standing pushups and taking flexing selfies on the steps of the church overlooking the main road during rush hour.
"Yeah we can all see you buddy. Wow so cool. He sure is sweating a lot." "Maybe he's so masculine his hairline got intimidated by him and hid on his back."
"Everyone was done with him..."
I studied IT for one semester. And during the "meet everyone" party we noticed that indeed we all looked and behaved rather nerdy, which was awesome. There were a few girls from the psychology department there as well and all of a sudden a guy comes in and immediately throws himself on the girls. When asked what he does he replied with: "I know you can't see it cause I actually take care of my body and my looks but I'm also in IT." Everyone was done with him for the whole night.
"Guy in the front row..."
Crowded college freshman history/religion class. Guy in the front row notices the chair (they're those weird desk/chair hybrid things) he sits in isn't in its normal spot. Rather than picking a different spot, he sits on the ground. The whole 2-hour period.
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Remember way back when the internet wasn't a flaming dumpster fire?
Yeah, us either.
The internet has always been a mess, but it's also always been beautiful.
It connects people, ideas, senses or humor, creativity! Yes, we've got our fair share of deviants, murderers, and trashbag people, but we've also got decades of wonder to celebrate.
Newbies like to think using the internet for awesomeness is something they came up with, but the old heads are here to tell you the internet has ALWAYS been a complicated crash course in the coolest stuff ever.
So let's hop in the wayback machine and get our nostalgia on.
Reddit user ransom0374 asked:
"What do you miss from early internet times?"
So let's take that walk down memory lane, or if you're new-ish here on planet Earth, this is going to be a fun little "history" lesson.
If you're uncertain where you fall, here's a test:
"Badger, Badger, Badger, Badger..."
If you finished the song, you're probably going to remember quite a few of these...
"AIM away messages saying stupid stuff like 'BRB going to get some bagel bites.' "
"Don't forget to update your personal profile with Blink 182 lyrics and the initials of your school sweetheart and some ASCII. Browse for a new inappropriate buddy icon and strike up a convo with SmarterChild"Giphy
"I miss the wild unknown frontier that the internet was."
"It seemed there was so much discovery to be had on the internet, and if you were good at the internet everyone thought of you as 'Hackerman' and you were like a God amongst your peers."
"It seems like there isn't anything 'new' on the internet anymore. No discoveries to be made."Giphy
The Irony Is Not Lost On Us
"Variety. There's a popular tweet that says something like 'the internet has turned into four websites where on each one people share screenshots of the other three.' "
"I miss when you could search a term and there would be dozens of sites dedicated to it or forums especially for it. Now it's just ads, Wikipedia, and Reddit."
"Oh, and not having ads shoved down your throat every time you search a term or navigate to a page!"
"I know there were pop ups and banners, which weren't any better. But there was a sweet spot."
"There was a few years there where you could Google something and half the first page WASN'T sponsored ads that had nothing to do with what you looked up. And you could go to a website and it DIDN'T block the page with a full screen ad asking for your email to join their mailing list or save 10% on their merchandise."Giphy
Figuring It Out
"That all the webpages were just random people trying to figure out HTML."
"There really wasn't a corporate presence at all. It was just a place for people to experiment."
"You could click on a button and make a cardboard hand wave at someone's cats. You could dispense a coke from a machine in some dorm. It was dumb and fun."Giphy
"The learning was endless."
"There were almost an infinite source of information from all over the world. If you wanted to find something all you had to do was search for it in Ask Jeeves or whatever and you'd find any website that had ever mentioned that thing."
"There were more than 10 different websites. And at least it didn't feel like I was being forced to sign up for a subscription after every click."
"There were so many fun, cute stores to shop. Now it feels like everyone dresses and decorates the same."
"I miss a lot of things about the early internet. I'm probably wrong, but it just felt safer than it does now?"Giphy
"I was in my late teens when the internet was becoming accessible to everyone. Our one household computer was in the kitchen & facing in a way so anyone coming in could see your screen."
"I remember looking at someone's website and my Dad passing by to get something to eat, asking me if the person on the website was my friend."
"I miss those old days! The internet seemed endless & friendly."Giphy
A Base Level For Participation
"Most people were smart."
"In the early days (by far) most people on the internet were in college, either as a teacher or student. Beyond that, people had to to be in a lab or make their computer talk to a connected computer which was not so easy in the old days."
"It acted as a sort of intelligence barrier one needed clear to participate in internet things."
"Higher barrier to entry."
"I remember the fond days of SLIP and Trumpet Winsock when you had to know at least a little about tech to get on and participate."
"There was still stupidity, but it just wasn't as loud as it is now."
"In the very very early days, pre-AOL, you needed skill and knowledge to get online."
"Then AOL came onto the scene an d anyone could get online at the push of a button."Giphy
Go Away Now
"I miss when what happened on the internet, stayed on the internet."
"You could turn off the beige box and go about the rest of your day without it affecting you."
"The fact that is only existed on a big computer in the house, as long as no-one was on the phone. It wasn't some all-encompassing thing."
"The internet not following me around. When you logged off, you effectively put the internet away."Giphy
It Used To Be...
"How people used to treat it."
"The internet was not just a novelty, but an amazing piece of technology that let anyone share anything. It was so wholesome and loving, with everyone still being amazed at what we could do now."
"Now? There's so many websites that are designed to make you angry and radicalize your beliefs. It's quantity over quality."
"There was a time when nobody on Reddit shared politics, when Facebook was for socializing, when YouTube was where people uploaded stuff they were passionate about."Giphy
We Used To Love Yahoo
"I can't remember what it was called, but Yahoo had this great music video program where it showed popular artists, and some very unknown folks."
"I discovered some of my favorite artists having it play in the background all the time."
"Launchcast/Yahoo Radio. It was revolutionary for music streaming and the 1-5 star system worked really well. I preferred it over Pandora's up/down system."Giphy
On a personal level, I want to go on record and say MusicMatch was the greatest music program in the history of life.
It just was.
I will die on this hill.
It was dopeness in all forms. MusicMatch Jukebox? Dope. Yahoo MusicMatch? Dope.
So what relics from Ye Olde Internet are you passionate about? Sound off in the comments!
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No one wants war.
Who is going to light the powder keg and set it all off?
Which country will start WW3? Why?
Does anyone really want to start another world war?
They may not have a choice in the matter.
Getting It Out Of The Way Early
"Austrian here, we will do it again probably, I would like to say sorry in advance! Most plausible reason at the moment is because Germans eat schnitzel with sauce on top, then this conflict will spiral out again into WW3."
"Third time's the charm!"
-Some Austrian, probably
Civil War 2: Electric Boogaloo
"It'll be a civil war that devolves into a world war, with no one country clearly responsible for this change."
"But we'll blame it all on germany again, right"
Why I Oughtta...
"At this point, there are enough nukes in the world to ensure that a World War would simply result in nuclear annihilation on all sides. Say what you want about authoritarians like Xi Jinping, Kim Jung Un, and Ali Khameni, they are many things; but they're not suicidal. They know that an all out war would just end everyone, including them, so they're not going to. This is why the US and the USSR never went to all out war, despite coming close a few times; the risks were just too great for both sides."
"What could easily happen, however, is another cold war, this time between the US and China. And like in the Cold War, there could be proxy wars fought as a result of it, but it's unlikely that any country will take the insane risks of starting World War 3."
A full-blown world war is a tricky thing to get off the ground, that is if anyone wants it. The leading cause to impending war could come out of nowhere, or somewhere completely unexpected, or perhaps it will never come.
2-Day War Delivery
"Bruh its gunna be Amazon, not a country"
"Jeff Bezos finna be dropping Amazon basics nukes on us"
Can It Even Happen?
"I don't think the world can handle another world war. simply for the sake that we're all so interconnected. every major nation trades with each other and are in bed with each other. I would be a detriment to whatever country starts a war."
"Think about how the global supply chain has been impacted by the pandemic, the world would probably cease to function all together in a major conflict."
"There was a quote I liked, I think it was from Dan Carlin. He said that leading up to WWI Europe had become too economically entwined to go to war with itself, but none of the economists were invited to the war councils. The generals making the decisions didn't understand the situation so they made dumb decisions. The situation is undoubtably more-so interconnected today, the question is, do we have economists making the call on starting wars?"
A Little Humor Before We Get To The Serious Stuff...
"Probably America, I mean they made Wonder Woman 1 & 2, so highly likely they'd make WW3. At least start it. Not sure why someone else would finish it."
"No, they don't know how to count.. They jumped from WW1 to WW84."
Is it in the realm of possibility? Possibly.
After all, people will be people.
Anyone Else Surprised? No?
"America have a surplus of military might, a recent history of starting wars for profit, EVERYTHING is politicised and extreme nationalism and xenophobia are normalised within the populace. I'm going with them."
These All Feel Tangible
"My guesses would be 1) USA vs China over Taiwan or 2) China vs India (a lot on tension there that doesn't get a lot of news attention)"
"India-Pakistan and China-India are hot beds."
"India and Pakistan have been at war numerous times since their inception. 5 'official' wars and 9 minor skirmishes, to be exact. The last conflict ended with a ceasefire in 2003, but the last incident was a series of skirmishes along the Line of Control in Kashmir, from November 2020 to February 2021."
"Neither is capable of a full-fledged invasion of the other, so it's limited to border disputes. And while Pakistan does have nukes, it would be suicide to use them. There's no incentive for any other countries to get involved."
Going For It
"China making a move on Taiwan or some other land grab in India or other bordering countries."
An Infectious Idea
"India and Pakistan. It will spread to China, then North Korea (or North Korea first) and pull in many others in Asia. This will pull in NATO, either directly or via global partners (Australia)."
This One Makes WAY Too Much Sense
"Twitter. Someone will probably make a typo that everyone takes the wrong way..."
Well, what do you think could happen? Let us know in the comments.
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So let's talk about how a dog owner on Facebook learned her dog's "adorable" behavior was, in fact, furious masturbation.
Readers, if you know anything about me you know I love a good plot twist and I love chonky puppers.
Yesterday, life combined my two great loves in a hilarious and inappropriate way.
I was mindlessly scrolling through my dog groups on Facebook when a video with a few hundred laugh reacts but almost no comments caught my eye.
The still from the video was a pudgy little Frenchie, so obviously I had to read and watch.
The dogs owner shared the video along with a post asking professionals to shed some light on why he does what he does.
Owner-obliviousness as they gushed about how adorable it was made the awkward even better.
The owner explained the Frenchie often makes aggressive eye contact and licks his lips while he "plays air guitar"—which is what the family calls it—and how cute & funny they all find the behavior.
The video was the dog, casually chilling, using his paw to rub the tip of his penis while staring awkwardly at the camera and licking his lips like a pup possessed.
Three hundred and fifteen laugh-reacts—at the time that I saw it—and only three comments:
1. a vet explaining that the behavior showed in the video was the dog masturbating while making direct eye contact
2. the owner giving a simple "thank you" and
3. the admins of the group closing the comments.
So, why am I sharing this with you?
Because Reddit user Drakmamman asked:
"Dog owners of reddit, what the dog doin?"
... and so now you get this whole article just so I had an excuse to tell y'all about a furiously fapping Frenchie, 'cause somebody else needed to know about him.
I cackled for a good 20 minutes imagining the family getting all giddy about their dog "playing air guitar"—making the little air guitar meedly squeedly noises while he played, maybe even playing along thinking they're enjoying a fun little game—but they're really just been giving a hair metal soundtrack to their dogs stroke sesh.
Something tells me now the owner knows what "air guitar" really is, they're not likely to rush and tell Reddit all about how they've been gathering as a family to watch cause it's just so cute.
That's what I'm here for.
Anyway, here's the stuff other people's dogs are up to. It's not fapping—or if it is, the owners aren't telling Reddit.
"Wife just came home with the baby. Dog is acting like she's been abandoned for years running up and down, barking and jumping on everything."
"They'd only been out an hour and I was with her the whole time." - Single_Goose7015
"My dog does this too when my wife comes home. Like what am I, chopped liver?" - jackof47trades
"I feel your pain. My dog started howling mournfully when my partner went back to work last week… I was right there!" - TreatOutside
"Staring at the door waiting for the only human he cares about to come home (obviously not me)" - SnarkyRedhead
"Probably trying to herd the cats."
"He's a border collie mix who's afraid of goats and sheep, but even after six years of living with them he still thinks he can control where the cats go."
"He's a good boy, he's very persistent, but not terribly bright sometimes." - TokesNotHigh
"After 8 years our border collie still herds the cats, and the vacuum." - psychologicaluse28
"Big heart, small brain. I have one of those dogs too. They are the sweetest." - Technobucket
"She has flung herself flat across the bed and is playing dead, quiet except for the occasional pitiful whine. Every now and then she lifts her head up and fixes a desperate look upon me, silently begging for release from her wretched existence."
"She's a bit overdramatic about having to wear a cone. The issue is an abrasion on a toe that she won't stop licking, which is making it worse."
"I've been alternating between bandaging it and having her wear a cone. She's been consistently a drama queen." - halfinboxes
"Staring at me because their dinner time is in one hour and they need to start letting me know that, in an hour, they need to eat...in an hour, so I better not forget...cuz they're hungry, which is why they're staring at me...and it's almost dinner time."
"Just one more hour, And they want to make sure I don't forget. Because maybe I will."
"So, they need to remind me. By staring at me. Every day. One hour before dinner." - MotherOfFred
A Little "Light" ExerciseGiphy
"Mine loves light reflected off watches or phones. And loves lasers."
"It's sunny and he sees light on the wall so he is bothering me to use my watch or phone so he can chase the light. I've spent the last hour doing it."
"I even got him a cat laser toy that's automatic for him and he runs himself tired as all hell with it. But he is STILL asking for it."
"Used the laser toy also too, so he is panting dripping tongue and still wants to play more..." - boomgoon
"Last night my dogs chased down and killed a rabbit in the backyard. They are usually so gentle; this was weird and unexpected."
"I watched the whole thing helpless because it was so fast. The rabbit screamed, it was insane."
"Now, I'm watching them sleep on my couch and can't help but think they just murdered someone."
"They are just vicious predators, right here, in my house. On my couch."
"But they snuggly as f*ck. This trips me out." - Atheist_Redditor
A Problematic PrincessGiphy
"We have two chihuahuas. One is a 15 year old (quite appropriately) named Princess and one is a one year old named Charlie."
"Both have their own dog beds on the couch since they are spoiled."
"When Princess is feeling particularly moody or like asserting her dominance, she will drag Charlie's bed into her bed and lay on top of BOTH of them and snarl at him if he comes close to her personal space bubble/bed mountain."
"And when we tell her she can't have both beds and put his bed back to the side, she just glares at us. Lol." - mslm90
"She's currently in her cage resting after her great adventure."
"She managed to get upstairs and grab a hold of one of my shoes. Not just any old shoe, but one of the shoes I am planning to wear this weekend for my wedding."
"After running around, she dropped the shoe to chew on a shirt - at which point she was cornered, and then brought downstairs."
"Pup and shoe are both unharmed and doing well. My nerves, not so much." - still_interesting23
So ... what's YOUR dog been up to lately?
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Have you ever fantasized about what it would be like to win the lottery? Having money for the rest of your life, as far as the eye can see, to cover your expenses.
And have you thought about all the things you would buy if you could really afford them? Are they ALL practical things, or are some of them silly?
We always love to fantasize about what life would be like if money were no object. And you are not alone!
Redditor OnlyVillager asked:
"If you won the lottery, what's something 'useless' that you would buy?"
Here were some of those answers.
I Be The Witch Of The Wood
"My teenage daughter disclosed to me the other day that her biggest life goal is to buy a house on an acreage that has a large wooded area."
"She plans to build me a house in the woods, fund whatever ridiculous bullsh*t art installations I want to erect in the woods, then spread rumors in neighboring towns that a witch lives back there."
"She's the best."-OpossumJesusHasRisen
My Kingdom For A Castle
"I'm blowing it all on a castle. No, not one of those fairy tale mansions from the 19th century robber barons called 'castles'.
"A fully loaded, honest-to-god, obsolete, medieval fortress. Two curtain walls, a keep, towers, barbican, portcullis, murderholes, loopholes, machicolations, the works. It'll be a well warmed summer retreat/place to hide out if another plague hits the world."
"I'm buying Au Train island in the Upper Peninsula to be specific. When the feds finally come after billionaires to pay their fair share, I'm running to my island and sealing the gates behind me."
"So I can get my affairs in order and pay my taxes. What were you thinking I was gonna do? Hide from the IRS? They can breach any castle lmao."-DaemonTheRoguePrince
I Wanna Be A Billionaire
- "I want a cold water dispenser on my desk. It has to be connected to the water line, filtered and cooled. Ideally it also has that thing that automatically knows when the container is almost full."
- "My new lifestyle would be to live 4 weeks in a different city, then 1 week at home. In each city, I would stay in a Luxury Airbnb or a five star hotel."
- "I would hire a professional soccer coach. I'm talking someone that trains pro players. I'm Arab and I'm tired of not being good at soccer, just a few months of lessons and I'll be able to participate in pick up games and have fun."
- "I would also hire singing, guitar and piano instructors. Singing would be the toughest because my voice sucks, but I figure with time I can be good enough to sing a song if I want to reference it. That's how bad I am today."-Reformedjerk
Imagine just not having to think when you click the "purchase" button.
A Nice Siesta
"Maybe not exactly "useless" in the way people are thinking (the way the question is asked makes me think by "useless" they mean "stupid/wasteful" but I'm thinking in terms of things that are fun and only for the purpose of having fun), but do vacations count?"
"If I had that much money all to myself, I would 100% rather have a regular sized house/car and spend the money on experiences instead."
"The idea of having a normal life but knowing that I can just decide to take the day off and go to DisneyLand or treat myself to a fancy dinner whenever the hell I want to is a fantasy I've had since I was literally a little kid."
"I get that those aren't useful things because they're not things I could USE like a car/house/purse/etc, but I'd definitely be happy:)"-StreetIndependence62
"Well this stuff is only useless if there isn't some sort of apocalyptic event that happens in my lifetime."
"That said, I'd go full prepper and bury myself a bunker in the desert with tons of food and water stored away and decked out with solar panels, a garage full of electric cars, and a stash of every sort of modern electronic equipment available in vast quantities."
"So this would be a huge waste of money if there's never an apocalypse. But it would be very valuable to me if there happens to be one."-TimHawks1983
"I have always wanted a talking toilet. I don't even know why at this point. I just saw it on a tv show, don't even remember what, and since that day I have thought 'yes, I want this.'"
"But right now, with my paupers wage, I cannot afford such a thing. I have a lot of serious plans for lottery level money. I would open a shelter for homeless people and start my own dog shelter. As well as my own theme park."
"But I would still get a talking toilet."-MagnificentColossus
Put Your Bird On My Shoulder
"I would get into falconry, vintage guitars from the 50s and 60s, a live in Cook, most of the surfaces that I touch would be marble, and I would save a significant portion of my money to split between investments and gambling on riskier stocks."
"Depending on how much money a private jet would be in the cards as well as a flight license. This is one of my favorite things to daydream about"-freemason777
The best part of all of this is, it doesn't matter that these things are useless.
They bring us joy, and that is what matters.
"Boring" "Flame Thrower"???
"Definitely a boring company flame thrower. And a Barrett M82."
"Probably a supercar too, but not to drive it. I want to light it on fire in a public space as an appeal to consumerism right before I go take a private jet to Nappa Valley to eat at the French Laundry and get hammered on the most expensive bottles of wine I can find."-xdylanxfrommyspace
"There are many things I bought that I regretted it immediately. I love to try new stuff. Especially no-brand or brand that is not famous. My curiosity is very high, that is the problem."
"I wanted to know whether those products are okay for human being. For example, I bought BioAqua face products. The most product I regret is BioAqua aloe vera. After my third use of the product, I actually experience worst allergic in the world."
"My skin had a lot of red patches appeared in just few hours. It was itchy but not painful. Just I keep scratching my skin but I tried my best to control it."
"It took about three - five days to keep it clear with medication and creams. Then after a couple of weeks, I decided to use it again. I got the reaction."
"Thankfully, I still have the medication and the cream. So, I took it immediately. I also did not apply the cream that much compared to previous time."
"I still have the aloe vera bottle in my room. I wanted to throw it but I could not throw it. Yet, I cannot use it and yes, I feel sad when I saw it. So, you can understand how I feel."-nimbledealing53
Hobby Hobby Hobby!
"If I won the lottery - I would open a shop for my favorite hobby. I would manage it like a business, giving a decent wage to several workers allowing them to pursue a degree or whatever and have a job that doesn't suck."
"I'd lose money on running a store. But I'd enjoy it. I'd enjoy sharing my hobby, selling the stuff I love at reasonable prices and giving a few young people a good job in a stress free environment."
"Useless store, great life experience for the people I'd employ."-Dealthagar
Money doesn't solve all of the world's problems or all of a person's problems, even—but it certainly does make life a little easier here and there for those who need it.
Hopefully the 21st century sees all of us buying things with our millions of dollars.
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