The Creeper

I used to take my kids to different playgrounds as they were growing up. Often times I'd be out there with them, chasing them, being the random monster/dragon/antagonist while they run away and then eventually turn around and chase me back. Inevitably since the rest of the parents were on their iPhones or doing anything but interacting with their kids, I'd end up with a collection who wanted to join in the fun.

It was all going well until they said they wanted to play "Minecraft"

So as a group of kids suddenly scatter from where I am standing yelling "Ah! Run away from the Creeper! Ahhh!" I look up to see a line of parents suddenly jostled back into consciousness with absolutely no friggin context whatsoever.

- TigLyon

Consensual Hand Drying 

It was my third day at my new office job. When I washed my hands my pants touched the counter top which was covered with water. Naturally I now look like I pissed myself and had a giant 6 by 6 soaked area around my crotch. I couldnt walk around with that so I thought to use the hand dryer. However, the hand dryer was the type that you stick your hands in rather under. So I line up and basically mount this hand dryer. I look at myself in the mirror and as I start thinking "this wont look good if..." and of course the CIO walks in before I could finish the thought and react. He looks at me and in deadpan voice says: "Do I need to call HR?"

to which I responded: "No, its consensual."

We had a good laugh about it and he never let me forget that moment!

- iLLwiLLGivingThrills

Laundry Day

I was 16 and my parents just left the house for a dinner out. I had to do laundry so I start right after they left the door to get it done as early as possible.

As I'm filling the machine I notice a stain on my shirt and so I put it with the rest of the clothes. I also look at my pants and decide to add them as well along with my socks and...fuck it my underwear as well.

So I'm butt naked and I start the machine. I rush to the stairs to get to my room and dress up and that's when the front door (which is right where the stairs are) opens and I freeze.

My dad comes in and sees me naked. We both arent moving a few second and then he laughs, grabs his wallet on the table and says : "So THAT'S what you are doing while we aren't here?". He then closes the door while giggling.

I'm there still in shock and red as a beet. I rush to dress and call my parents on my mother's cellphone to tell them it's not what they think as they are just laughing their butts off.

- King0fThorns

Badge Check 

I used to work security/reception at my company, so I greeted everyone when they came in the door and made sure they were wearing their security badge. You could either wear your badge on a lanyard around your neck or on a retractable belt clip.

So I've been doing this job for like 2 years when I'm outside talking to some of the girls that work on the 2nd floor. One of them just flat out asks why I always check out women when they come in to visit.

Excuse me?

Turns out, there was a lot of talk about how I was "looking women up and down" when they came through the door. Well, I was looking everyone up and down. I would look at their chest first and if there was no badge there, my eyes would move to their belt. It was kind of my job and stuff.

- RichardBachman

Banana Panties

I will preface this by saying a couple of weeks prior to this, my wife had bought some frilly underwear on clearance sale, and a couple of bananas to eat on the way to work. I was chilling in the car at the store while she went in when I smelled nasty over-ripe bananas. I reached into the backseat and pulled out the bag that had been forgotten back there. I take the underwear out of the bag and tie the old banana up dog poo style. No big deal, right?

For whatever reason, my brain goes I wonder if these brand new underwear now reek of old squishy banana? and I put them to my nose and take a big whiff- right as a sweet old lady pulls into the parking spot in front of our car. She looks at me, panties pressed into my nose inhaling deeply, her eyes go wide with shock, and visibly shaking, she pulls back out of the spot and drives away. Literally leaves. Shopping trip cancelled.

- Booji-Boy

Holding A Bat, Whispering About Murder

My boyfriend and I had a fight and both went to bed grumpily (we were housemates and had separate bedrooms). In the middle of the night I heard a LOUD thump in the living room area of the house. I grabbed my baseball bat and went through the whole house with the bat and the lights on. Every closet, every cupboard, etc. Nothing was out of order and the doors were locked. I was still spooked and running high on adrenaline.

It was about 4:30 in the morning and I had to get up at 6 so I just gave up on going back to sleep before that. I debated what to do for the hour and a half and decided to go to IHOP since it's open 24h where I live. As I was about to leave I realized that if I left my sleeping boyfriend in the house and the murderer WAS actually still there and killed him I would feel extremely guilty. So I went to wake him up just enough to warn him before I left for IHOP.

He woke up to me leaning over his bed, holding a bat, and whispering about murder. He almost cried.

- MostlyHarmlessXO

Following Her Home

I was driving back home from a friend's house at around 1AM. This car cut me off on the on ramp, and I honked at them. I then turned back up the music, and pretty much drove home on autopilot, but when I got off the freeway at my exit, I realized that the same car that cut me off was in front of me. After that, I got kind of curious, because it had been about 30 minutes since the incident, and we'd changed freeways twice already. I then got a little bit worried that they'd think I was following them home, but I didn't think too much of it--until the car started going up the same side streets I did.

Eventually, I realized that my 16-year old neighbor who just learned how to drive cut me off, and she and her friends were probably now petrified that some lunatic was following them home. I guess she'd called her parents in the meantime because she pulled into her driveway and the house lights were all lit up, and her dad (a huge guy) was standing outside with a baseball bat. I then pulled into my own garage and apologized for scaring them and it was all chill after that.

Everything was all good afterwards—we all laughed it off.

- Piano9717

Butt Dial And Speakerphone

My boyfriend and I were jumping on the trampoline together years ago, just bouncing around like a couple of kids, laughing our butts off. It was fun! He accidentally butt dialed his parents, who speakerphoned our laughing, creaking springs, and gasping to a car load of people. They were all mortified. We were able to set it straight later, but OOF.

Sorry mom and dad.

- Terriere

Millennium Falcon

This is one of my moms absolute favorite stories to tell:

My partner and I were in a kind of long distance relationship at this point (high schoolers living 40mins apart) and they would occasionally drive up after school to come see me

On this particular day my mom came home from work and was concerned with the lack of sound.

I hear her calling my name as she comes closer, she eventually gets to my closed bedroom door not wanting to see what I'm sure every parent would expect by this point

She swings it open and finds my partner and I...

...putting together our brand new Millennium Falcon (full size for action figures) that we had just purchased from Toys R us

My dog kept stepping on the pieces and messing things up in his dopiness so we closed the door

After that she never worried about us being alone.

Honestly think this might be the moment where my mom decided she wanted to adopt my partner.

Sometimes, I'm not sure who she loves more.

Btw - My partner and I got married this year and we still have that Millennium Falcon.

- rapidsyllablesnail

Toothpaste

I, a male, am in a dive bar in college that had black lights above the bar for whatever reason. I'm buying a girl a drink and when I go to pull my wallet out, see that the black light has highlighted a significant outline of white liquid around the webbing of my hand between my thumb and index finger. Right when I'm laughing about "what that probably looks like", she informs me it's all around my mouth too. Apparently the peroxide in baking soda toothpaste leaves an otherwise invisible trace that comes out under blacklight.

- Hephaestus81k

"For Catching Children..." 

I had a pile of stuff in the trunk of my car, including a golf club. The club got tangled in the elastic netting that came with the car and with the way everything was jumbled up, it looked like an enormous butterfly net.

So after a Scouts meeting, I'm standing outside with my son when he looks in the back of the car and shouts:

"Why do you have a big net in the boot of your car? Is it for catching children?"

The other adults stared. Erm...

- walshian

David - But Not THAT David

Hanging out at home with hubby. It's important to note that hubby is only the 2nd person I have dated. The first was a man named David who was incredibly abusive. My husband knows the story, it's ugly. David's name is not one we speak pleasantly around here.

Anyway, I asked my husband to "throw me a plum". He thought he'd be funny and literally throw it. It was the last one and still in the produce bag. He spun the bag around a few spins like he was picking up momentum to really pelt me. Bag split, plum shot off at a random angle and smashed on the ceiling! We were laughing hysterically. Until!!! It came into my head that this small projectile in a sheath was somewhat like the slingshot they show David using to slay Goliath. So I blurt "Nice shot, David!"

Hubs didn't catch the biblical slingshot reference and thought I accidentally called him my ex's name. I eventually convinced him it was a biblical reference, but that being the only time in my whole life I've ever made one (lifelong atheist who finds the mere thought of religion depressing) it did not seem like a likely story.

Sorry, Sunshine! It really, honestly WAS just a biblical reference.

- Wiggly_Cat_Tails

Upskirt

When I was in high school I was hanging out with my gay male friend at his house after school. He had one of those sugar gliders for a pet. They are really fast. We were holding her and she randomly jumps out of my friend's hands, falls on the floor, runs toward me, and crawls up my leg under my skirt.

Without thinking my friend sticks his hands up my skirt to grab her. I wasn't offended, I wanted the squirrel off my butt. At that exact second his mom walks in the room while my friend has his hand up my skirt. Though my friend was gay, he was not out of the closet out the time.

Pretty awkward.

- TheMedsPeds

Dog Food Face

My little brother had to be around 10 at the time. I was in the process of making chocolate chip cookies in the kitchen while my family was in the dining room.(kitchen and dinning room were connected) Anyway, while I was baking my little sister (7) at the time went to feed the dog. My brother being the chocolate fiend he is, thought my little sister brought chocolate chips to the dining table. He got so exited and knocked the dog food cup out of her hand, and it went everywhere on the floor. Without a second to spare he flew to the ground shoveling it in his face. Nope. Not chocolate.

To this day, the look of pure betrayal and horror in his face makes me laugh.

- cherrypie10

A Pill Gun

So, my coworker(we will call him G), and I were talking about his cat.

(For those wondering G is a male and I'm a female.)

His cat was refusing to take some pills that she needed after a procedure. I asked G if he tried to hide the pills in her food bowl or a treat. He said it didn't work. He then told me what did work...

"I have to put it in her mouth and force her to swallow it by massaging her throat."

Of course he said it right as another co-worker was walking into the room. The moment those words were spoken the other coworker didn't say a word - he just turned around and left the room. Leaving G blushing and me laughing really hard. We had to explain to the guy what we were actually talking about.

The other coworker said "OH! Thank God..." and then he recommended a pill gun to solve the issue.

Awkward yet hilarious.

- KarmaticFox

Lincoln Said It

One time in school I had to give a speech to present the pro-confederate flag side, and I was making a point about how the conflict in the Civil War wasn't as simple as the Union trying to get rid of slavery. So I started to read off the Abraham Lincoln quotes supporting slavery and how "I do not want to make jurors or voters of Negroes".

But just before I started reading the quote, the vice-principal walked in to monitor the class. He's black.

So I kind of panicked and had to immediately follow the quote with (a redundant) "as said by Abraham Lincoln, which is what he believed at the time, and is totally not what I or anyone today believes, but was just from a different time."

(Fortunately, he addressed the class and had nice things to say about my speech.)

- SilasX

Did I Confess? 

When I was a kid (7? 8?), I was walking home from school and the button on my jeans straight up just popped open. Not sure how that happened. I was trying to fix it, when this older lady walked by. She said something to me, but I was so focused on fixing my pants that I didn't hear what she said. I responded with the generic "yeah" thing.

Then I realized she wasn't look at me, she was looking at the wall behind me. I glanced back, and realized that someone (a dog?) had peed on the wall. I just ran away, taking a long way around to get home, because she very possibly asked me if I had peed on the wall, and I told her yes.

- kimchee-hoo

"Hide Your Stuff!" 

When my niece was 5 I took her to the movies and we snuck in candy and snacks. I played around with her to make her feel like it was some secret operation and we had fun smuggling it into the theater. We made it a game.The employees at the theater had black uniforms, and I told my niece if you see the people dressed in black hide the candy or we'll be kicked out. Movie starts and I forget all about it.

Then an employee walks into the theater in the middle of the movie. My niece sees him and yells (because of course she can't say this quietly):
"Uncle! A black man! Hide your stuff!"

I just sank into my chair praying the movie would end soon.

- scott1327

Septuagenarian

My family moved to America when i was around 12 and bought a business we still run. A few years later I started helping out with the business after school. One day dad was telling me how there is this lady that walks by every day who from behind looks exactly like my grandma, whom we dearly missed since we had not been able to go back home.

A few days later I'm working in the back and i hear dad calling me, so i run out and he's pointing out the lady to me who really does look exactly like grandma. I thought nothing of it until we both walked back in and everyone was giving us weird looks. Then i realized to everyone else it looked like dad called his teenage son to come check out the ass of a septuagenarian.

- Threash78

Grandma's Pills

When I was in high school, I accidentally spilled a bottle of grandma's pills, as I tried to put them back into the bottle my mother just walked into the kitchen to see my hand full of pills and my other hand holding the bottle. While she stared at me with wide eyes all I could say was "this isn't what it looks like" because she probably thought I was going to drug myself with them.

- Kitter-Katter

IBS And Maintenance 

I was in dorms for work at a remote mine. The rooms were set up with one bathroom between every two bedrooms. They kindly tried to put a night shifter with a day shifter so your neighbor would be gone while you slept, nice and quiet.

So there's me and my IBS doing what we do as I get ready for work one evening. Somehow the damn toilet got clogged with a bunch of diarrhea in it. I had work very soon, and my bathroom-buddy was probably just getting off the bus to come "home". Time was of the essence.

I checked everywhere for a plunger, well, only options were the laundry room, and flag a cleaner down to ask them to check their locked storage room. No plunger. I phone maintenance with maybe ten minutes to get across the compound to my bus... they tell me they don't loan plungers, clogs must be dealt with by maintenance staff only. UGH!!! And of course that person was on break for another half hour.

I ended up needing to leave for work. My efforts to fix the situation had taken up all my time and I didn't even get a minute to leave an apology note.

So she thought I left things like that as a prank or something. I came home to a note raging at me for being "sick and twisted" and it was not funny to do that to her and she'd been tired from a long shift, so cruel of me yadda yadda yadda.
I left her a note back explaining it was not cruelty by me just by fate, she understood and retracted her rage, I apologized again and again.

The reason I didn't have to kill myself is that the schedule and dorm layout meant we never actually laid eyes on each other. She never knew my name, face or even voice. THANK GOODNESS!

- Wiggly_Cat_Tails

Not An Affair

I spend a lot of time with a man who lost his wife. I am married., my husband travels for work. He and I all over social media together. He's very good looking. He is also in a relationship with a man now. People ask questions, but that is his story to tell.

- petitelapinyyc

Getting Explicit With Auntie

I was about 12 years old and went to see my auntie with my mom. As we pull up outside her house, she is outside in the driveway. I see her, and me being a cool hip kid but a peace sign up- but by my mouth and at the same time stuck my tongue out- making a very explicit gesture that innocent little me had no idea about. I can still remember the look on her face...

- Roachclip6o4

Camp Assault

How about the time I looked like I was beating up a 9 year old when I was 14 at camp?

We'd had some night game, like night tag or hide and seek or something and our cabin of 6-7 campers in the 9-14 age range were hopped up on sugar treats and excited. One of the smaller campers crawled into his sleeping bag quickly and what started as verbally teasing him turning into a tickling and poking contest making him squirm and infectious laughter got to all of us.

I was one of the tallest and the oldest kid in the cabin and grabbed a broom we used to sweep the floor and poked him with that too. Winds up I poked him in the throat and he was freaking out and started crying right as the cabin counselor guy showed up. Dude walked into a cabin of laughing kids with the smallest one in his sleeping bag gagging and freaking out. He flipped out on me, screaming about hurting the kids.

- Freshavocadew

Gramps And The Bong

Out on a hunting trip, two friends hopped in their truck to smoke weed out of a bong. They were trying to be discreet by smoking the bong in the middle seat. Little did they know, One friend's grandpa was watching suspiciously from afar.

When they went inside, a conversation began and culminated with grandpa's, "You can't tell me you weren't blowin' him!" He saw one friends head go back (to let out smoke), while the other friend ripped the bong.

They tried to explain, and he may have believed them, telling them they were smoking the devil's lettuce so that must have been why it looked that way.

I still love to pull out the "You can't tell me you weren't blowing him" in grandpa's voice as a reminder. RIP gramps.

- Tightfartsforufc

Exactly What It Looks Like

When I was about 15 or 16 or so, I saw one of those things that was like, "The distance between the tip of your pinkie and thumb is the same as..." So I got a ruler and measured, and sure enough whatever it was happened to be correct. Regardless, leaving the ruler at the computer for your mom to notice was somewhat of a bad idea.

- effinwha

Requiem 

Watching Requiem for a Dream alone in my room. Dad walks in an sees the "ass to ass" scene on my monitor. He just walks out. I felt so powerless. One of the most powerful, terrible, and sad moments in cinema is then interpreted by my dad as me watching porn.

- MrMineHeads

Stuck Zipper

At a family wedding and I take my little nephew was who around 4 years old to the toilet.

He finishes and then has trouble getting his zipper back up.

Cue my father-in-law walking in on us, with me on my knees tugging at my nephew's zipper as he is crying his eyes out!

- Punter1414

Thanks, Terror Squad

This was mid 2000s back in high school. Lean back by the Terror Squad was hot and everyone got into it and always leaned back to some degree when the chorus came on.

I was with two of my boys and one of them has the song playing from his phone with his hand curved around the speaker of the phone to make it sound louder. We got really into it and so as we're walking in the hallway, we hold each others shoulders and take a step back every time Fat Joe says 'now lean back'. Halfway through getting passed the longest corridor in the building, one of us looks behind and what followed was one the most awkward experiences in my life. Walking right behind us, or should i say limping, was the Economics teacher, let's call him Mr. Rabbi. Mr. Rabbi had one foot shorter than the other and as a result, a limp in his walk, identical to our lean back dance move.

We sped walk the rest of the corridor and booked it to the nearest exit as soon as we turned the corner.

- Pomacanthus_asfur