Jokes are a great ice-breaker. They're a way to get yourself ingratiated to new people--as long as the jokes aren't themselves very offensive.
People love to laugh at the truth, the unexpected, and so many more things that jokes can contain. So put together a well-executed joke and you just might be able to be on your way to making more friends.
Redditor u/Chunky_Lover42069 asked:
"If someone asks you to tell them a joke, what's your go to?"
Here were some of their answers.
"I named my legless dog cigarette since I have to take him out for a drag."
"A woman woke up from a coma to find out she had birthed her twins while unconscious. The nurse assured her the babies were fine and that her brother was taking good care of them."
"The nurse further explained the brother had taken the liberty of naming them. The new mother asked for the names and the nurse said 'Well, your baby girl is Denise.'"
"And the mother said 'That's not terrible, what about my boy?'"
The Sheepdog Talks!
"A farmer looks up and sees his prized sheepdog running toward him."
"The sheepdog is panting, and says, 'Boss, I did it. It took me all morning, but I finally got all 100 sheep in the barn.'"
"The farmer says, 'That's great, but we only have 97 sheep.'"
"The sheepdog says, 'Yeah, I know. I rounded them up." -Chiliad9
Clergy Joke Alert
"A catholic priest, a baptist preacher, and a rabbi are drinking at a bar. After a few rounds, they agree that converting people is easy; a real challenge of faith would be converting a bear."
"So they agree to each go out into the woods, find a bear, try to convert it, and report back with their results the next week."
"The next week all three are back at the bar. The priest tells his story first, his face and arms covered in scratches. 'Well, I went out into the woods, found me a bear, and started reading to him from the Good Book.'"
"'Apparently he didn't take kindly to that, and started batting me around. But with a few sprinkles of holy water he was as gentle as the Lamb.'"
"The preacher goes next, his arm in a cast. 'Where I come from, we don't believe a little sprinkle is enough to cleanse the soul.'"
"'When my bear turned on me, I wrestled him down the hill to the river below, and baptized him. And lo and behold, he was as gentle as could be.'"
"The rabbi chuckles to himself as he sits there in a wheelchair and full body cast. 'I guess I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.'"-protonevoker
Doesn't it always feel great to have some new jokes to add to your arsenal?
"A man is drinking at a bar and sees a jar of $50 bills. He asks the bartender what the jar is for and the bartender says 'You have to put $50 in to find out.'"
"So the man says, 'no way I'm doing that!' And keeps on drinking. After a bit he gets curious and puts money in, the bartender tells him:"
"'You have to do 3 things. 1. You have to drink this bottle of whisky in under 12 seconds without making a face. 2. There's a mean old bulldog outback that needs a tooth pulled. 3. There's an old lady upstairs that hasn't done the dirty in a while so you have to go up there and do it with her.'"
"The man says, 'Hell no I'm not doing that.' But eventually after some more drinking, agrees to do it. He drinks the bottle in 8 seconds flat without making a face and goes outside for the dog."
"After a long long time of barking, growling, snapping, crying, he comes back in bloody and cut up and asks, 'Alright where's the lady with the bad tooth?'"-Seinfield_Succ
He Completed The Assignment
"I have one prepared for if I ever get asked this question in a job interview. It goes like this…"
"A man has an interview for a Sales Manager position at a company. During the interview, the Hiring Manager pulls out a brand new laptop and sets it on the desk in front of him."
"'If you're as good as you say you are – sell me this laptop.' The man picks the device up, studied it for a few seconds, then puts it under his arm and walks out the door."
"He's halfway down the hall when the Hiring Manager shouts, 'Hey! Bring me back that laptop!'"
"To which the man turns and replies, '£200 and it's yours.'"-LndnGrmmr
People Share Their Unexpected Happiest Moments | George Takei’s Oh MyyyWhile many of life's big events like weddings and births bring us joy, even the smallest of gestures or gifts can leave a lasting impression. Especially if y...
Arrr, It Be Time For A Pirate Joke
"A pirate walks into a bar. He's got a hook hand, peg-leg eye patch and a parrot. The bartender asks him how he lost his leg."
"The pirate replies 'arrr, 'twas bitten off by a shark. I barely made it back with me life.' The bartender says 'well that's terrible, how did you lose your hand?'"
"The pirate responds 'lost it in a duel.' The bartender takes a moment and asks 'and the eye patch.' The pirate sighs deeply and responds 'me parrot pooped in me eye.'"
"The bartender is confused and says 'How did you lose an eye from that?' and the pirate says ''twas me first day with the hook.'"-starmartyr
Never Trust A Super Person
"Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building."
"One says, 'Did you know if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the skyscrapers will stop your fall and blow you right back up here?'"
"'No way,' replied the second man."
"'Here, I'll prove it,' said the first, and he jumped out the window, fell down, down, down and then reversed course and came right back up and through the window."
"'Amazing!' exclaimed the second man, 'Let me try that.' He jumped and fell all the way to the pavement below."
"The bartender says to the first man, 'Damn, Superman, you're an a**hole when you're drunk.'"-DonDiamante
Did you know these jokes already or are they new to you?
Hehe Math Jokez
"Three statisticians go hunting. They're camped out for several days, cold, frustrated and on the verge of giving up when one of them finally spots a deer."
"The first statistician raises his rifle and fires, but misses to the left. The second statistician aims and fires wide to the right. The third statistician jumps up and exclaims, 'we got it!'"-the_idea_pig
Too Many Legs For Plans
"A guy invited a centipede to a movie and said "hey centipede would you like to go catch a movie with me?". The centipede didn't respond."
"He then asked a second time 'say centipede I asked if you would like to catch a movie later on today?' Still no answer."
"By the third time the man was feeling pretty offended and said 'Hey centipede if you don't want to go to the movies with me you can just say so, no need to be rude and ignore me…'"
"The centipede then turns around and yells at the man 'I heard you the first time I was putting on my shoes!……'"-WearSad2278
"A man walks into an airport bar and sees another traveler with his head in his hands looking miserable. He sits down next to the upset man and says, 'Hey, what's going on man, everything okay?'"
"'Oh yeah, I'm just super embarrassed!'"
"'I'm sure it's not that big of a deal, what happened?'"
"'It's pretty bad. I walked up to the attendant at the counter to get my tickets. So when I went to say 'Can I get two tickets to Pittsburg' I accidentally said, 'Can I get two pickets to Tittsburg." And it was just so embarrassing.'"
"The other guy replies, 'Don't even sweat it, guy! I did the same thing when I was having breakfast with my wife this morning.'"
"'I meant to say, "Hey, honey, can you pass the salt and pepper?" But what I said was, "you're ruining my life, you stupid b*tch!'""-megamike93
These jokes always take us just a little further over-the-edge than we were expecting.
But they're a refreshing little addition to anyone's palate for telling jokes and making new acquaintances at parties. Go forth, have fun, and joke on.
We've all played the "What I would do if I was rich" game.
You've imagined a trillion scenarios for what you would do (after you paid off your debt, of course) with wads of cash. In your imagination, you've given money to friends, started charities or businesses, and probably bought your fair share of imaginary real estate.
And that's all just the basics. We haven't even gotten into all the rich-people hobbies you could take up like SCUBA golfing, sailboat customization, or learning how to melt down antique jewelry to make gem-encrusted bongs for yoga Wednesdays at the gym-slash-coffeehaus.
Reddit user BabySuperfreak asked:
"What's your fantasy 'rich person hobby'?"
Reddit is absolutely right there with you, folks.
CarpentrySeason 4 Wow GIF by The SimpsonsGiphy
"Woodworking, which I already enjoy. But I'd have a huge workshop with all of the expensive tools."
"It's fun to figure out how you could spend increasingly large amounts of money on a hobby."
"$10k? Sweet garage shop."
"$100k? Build a huge shop and tweak it out. Loan it out to people who don't have access to shops."
"$1M? I have no idea. Train under the best woodworkers in the world? Visit exotic locales to see how materials/supplies are produced?"
"I just want my own bandsaw and I'll be happy, but yeah it's my dream to have my own little shop in a quaint little building in my backyard. It would be the cutest girliest little grandma-core workshop out of a fairytale picture book."
"I'd have little organized stations for everything and it would be so satisfying!"
"I've built a pretty decent 'shop' through marketplace and estate sales. Taken a while but I have most of the major tools I need. Affording wood is another story"
Want To Grab Lunch?
"I want to be a 'lady who lunches'."
"You could even step up your game and do 'Brunch' on Sunday! They would say 'wow she is so rich'.”
"Word. Except I think I would hate those people and just lunch w people who are self-employed artists and/or homeless."
"Those are the only two groups you'd eat lunch with?"
MiniaturesStartup Miniatures GIF by Mighty OakGiphy
"I love building miniatures. I helped my dad build a few models as a kid. Then I stumbled onto those miniature rooms you can buy on Amazon. Surprisingly cheap for the decent quality. I've done about 10 of them and have another 20 on my wishlist."
"I went to a hobby store the other day in search of a material for a custom mini, and my friend brought to me a giant box of a model of the Enterprise. For $1200. 3 months' rent."
"I know my first stop after winning the lottery"
"As a gamesworkshop fan I feel you. I’ve got a wishlist too."
"Being rich, you could build 1:1 scale miniatures."
SailingSewing Bee Hello GIF by The Great British Sewing BeeGiphy
"Sailing sounds fun as hell"
"Sailing is fun as hell. I’ve been crewing now for about 7 years."
"Sailing is cheap. It is owning a boat that’s expensive. I pay $350 a year for access to my local club’s boats if I do want to go take a boat out myself."
"Boat owners frequently spend $350 on parts for a single event, and people always need dependable and reliable crew."
"I’ve even gotten flown out to tropical places and had my accommodations paid for at bigger events! I don’t even own a boat, just pull lines!"
"If you live near a racing community, you can get into sailing at the cost of maybe some sandwiches for the team, or occasionally replacing sunglasses you drop in the drink, you just need the right attitude."
"I agree, but only during the day as the ocean according to videos seems pretty terrifying looking at night"
"Sailing is it for me too, particularly cruising. I'd like a nice, 45 ft catamaran that I could cruise around on with the family."
"I have more immediate ambitions to get a little beach cat (Hobie cat, etc) or a dinghy and improve my sailing skills."
"My local 'yacht club' has a learn to sail class that's pretty affordable for a two day introductory class and going out sailing twice (~$100). I did it last year, but I'm considering doing it again as I didn't exactly consolidate my skillet with practice in between."
"Traveling. I know it isn’t much of a hobby, but traveling can be very expensive, and I’ve always wanted to travel the world."
"Beside the cost, getting time off from your full time job can be very hard. I want to spend the summer traveling in XYZ, not fly in, have a couple of days looking around then fly back to work. There's no time to really relax and enjoy the experience"
"Be one of those people perpetually on vacation."
"I'm with you on that. I see all the wonderful places to travel and will never be able to go to them. At least many are on streaming channels now."
"Traveling without budget or ANY money worries. I'd like that. No more sh*tty third-grade hotels and public transportation *joys* and just enjoying the trip."
"I'd travel the world till I physically can't lol that sounds fun"
Esthetic Farmingcalfs GIFGiphy
"Owning a hobby farm/garden with *small breeds of farm animals (mini cheviot sheep, serama chickens, bantam call ducks, miniature jersey cows) *lush vegetation (english garden/new cottage style landscaping) *an orchard with a huge range of different kinds of each fruit and climate controlled greenhouses for plants that wouldn't grow in my region"
"Would they be miniature fruit trees? I want the small animals walking amongst the small trees with small fruit."
"I would love it to have ducks, cats, dogs, rabbits anything to be honest and just watch them enjoy their time and play around. A small pond for the animals to cool down, big trees for nice cool shadows and also some fruits that drop for them etc."
"I'd like to have a large collection of really cool fossils. The really neat ones are expensive."
"Oooh, good thought. You know there's a tech billionaire somewhere (I'm blanking on which one) that got really into collecting gemstones after he got swindled into buying some fakes."
"He found the geology of them fascinating and now he has the biggest jewel collection outside of a royal family and was in a documentary talking about them."
"I think pure geekery unfettered by financial restraints may my favorite use of a large fortune."
"Like a complete T-Rex skeleton and a complete Triceratops skeleton and make them fight like action figures... I'm not going to judge."
Preservation Of WildlifeHappy Feel Good GIFGiphy
"I'd really like to hire a ton of experts to help me find and preserve a wildlife habitat with all native species."
"Get rid of all the invasive plants and whatnot and make it how it was before we got here. I'd be the anti gardener."
"Same goals club! I’ve got a good 100 acres chugging away just woods. Have had several offers to buy it but they’re gonna have to wait til I’m dead."
"Last guy asked me why I wouldn’t sell. 'Because somebody already lives there sir.' Him-' but your house is way up there.' Me- 'yea but the birds and bugs live here.' Also learned that old people get pissed off when young people own land and don’t develop it into housing editions. 'People could live here!' People could live somewhere else too."
"Mine is similar: I want to make a huge bee sanctuary filled with all sorts of wildflowers and plants, with an absolute ton of pollinators like bees, butterflies and moths."
"Also all sorts of other interesting plants like oak trees and wild grass."
"Yours is my favorite I think :)"
'Paying' It ForwardTalking Season 3 GIF by The SimpsonsGiphy
"Anonymously paying debts or giving things to people in need."
"Robin Hood, that you?"
"I'd help with that if I could!"
"I think it would feel pretty amazing to sit in a bankruptcy court and pay off a defendant’s judgment. Idk how it works, though, like whether you can make a payment anonymously on someone else’s behalf."
"I wouldn’t pay off debts (other than to immediate family members), but I like the idea of randomly paying for groceries or gas for strangers."
"Especially at the last week or so of each month. Have some type of set up so I could have an arrangement with a store’s manager to call down to the cashier to just tell the customer after they scan everything, 'It’s your lucky day! You don’t have to pay!'."
"Operating a maker space that enriches the community and enables everyone to have access to tools and space to create anything they need / want."
"oh yeah my husband and I have talked about doing this"
"I'd love to have this for music. Like a rehearsal complex for certain younger artists I see potential in."
"Also have a recording studio nearby as well. Just try to develop some sort of niche community of musicians that focus on certain aspects of music"
"Have all the stuff like drumkits, guitar amps, all that in each room already (kind of like a normal rehearsal space you pay for). Maybe even some cheaper guitars so that even if you don't have money you can use them"
"Maybe do some community events with all the people, and who knows. Maybe some amazing bands or groups could come from it."
Alright bougie broke friends, it's your turn at the mic.
We know what Reddit would do for hobbies if they got rich, but what about you?
Anybody suddenly feel like funding a documentary into Tevin Campbell's life, music, and how homophobia robbed him of a bigger career and the community of a cornerstone personality?
No? Just me and my love for Mr. Campbell acting up again?
When it comes to expressing love, there is a multitude of ways to go about it. Most people stick to the classic: using the words "I love you."
But that's not the only way.
Using thoughtful gestures, love languages, special messages, or even just remembering little details about another person are all great ways to express love.
Curious about all the different ways of expressing love, Redditor sadesspresso asked:
"What is the best way to say “I love you” without actually saying “I love you”?"
"The moon is beautiful...."
"Some old japanese man told me some story and 'the moon is beautiful ' is supposed to mean I love you...."
"Minä rakastan sinua"
"Just say it in another language, and keep learning new languages."
Through Their Stomach
"I made your favourite food"
"This is the way. I bake my husband his favourite treats even though he’s the only one who likes them. That way if he’s having a blah day at work he opens his lunch and feels love"
"Definitely the way! I would love to just receive some homecooked food without having to ask first!"
Pride And Pride
"I’m proud of you"
"My wife pulled me aside after an especially brutal day at work and hugged me and whispered this in my ear. This was two weeks ago. I'm still floating."
Appreciating The Superstitions
"Kissing my husband goodbye before he goes to work."
"I read somewhere that men who kiss their wives before leaving for work live five years longer than those who don't. So even if I'm not a morning person, I drag myself out of the bed to make sure that I give him a kiss before he leaves for work. It might or might not be true, but I wish to do everything I can so he could live longer because I kinda like him."
"I kiss him when he arrives at work. He will live long."
Using Their Love Language
"There are different kinds of love languages aside from saying I love you. Giving gifts, physical touch, doing acts of service or nice things for them, and spending quality time. I think for me, time is such a selfless love language, because you’re showing that person that they are actually worth your time. And it doesn’t have to spent doing anything extravagant."
"Figuring out their love language and doing something that speaks to them most."
"Depends on what their love languages are. That shi* works."
"Remembering the small details."
"Remembering their likes and dislikes, favorite color, personal style, etc. Using the knowledge to please them often."
"The best way is to show how you care."
"Eg, you're making a coffee or cup of tea and you make one for them without asking, because you already know they'll say yes if you ask."
"Or they're working outside in the sun and you come out with a cold drink for them."
"Small things that show you're thinking about them."
"Surprise them with their favorite food or snacks/dessert. Ask them how their day is. Do their chores before they notice."
"Making sure their phone is fully charged for them before they leave the house."
Getting Home Safe
"Text me when you get home"
"This. My BF and I say this every time and do text each other when we do get home."
I Choose You
"If I had to choose between rescuing you or my PC from a fire, it'd only take me 10 seconds to choose you."
"I cleaned out the cat’s litter box so you don’t have to."
"According to my wife... Doing the dishes."
"Came home from work yesterday knowing I had to do laundry."
"In my apartment complex that just means walking up a flight of steps, walking down an outdoor hallway, and unlocking a door to the laundry room. But it's such a pain in because you have to set alarms for yourself and come back out to move the clothes to the dryer and collect them before you even get to worry about folding them."
"So yesterday I came home from work and my bf had done my laundry for me. He didn't fold it, but it was sitting, clean and done, by our bed ready to be folded and put away. No alarms, no trips, just a quick little in-place chore and it was over."
"That to me is love."
Well, after all, actions speak louder than words.
It doesn't have to be all about action, however. Just finding a new way to say, "I love you" can do wonders for you and the people you love.
Humans, we fall in and out of grace with one another constantly.
But there are reasons.
People change one another's mind through behavior.
At first you can really like someone.
Enjoy their company.
Spend tons of quality time with them.
Then one day, they drop the facade of their character and show you some true colrs.
And those colors can be stomach turning.
Then respect goes out the window.
And all you can say is...
"I can't even look at you anymore."
Redditor MissMona_69 wanted to talk about all the people we can longer be face to face with. They asked:
"What types of people have you no respect for?"
I can't stand hypocrites. I lose all respect there.
"People who fake mental illnesses for attention."
"SO TRUE. In middle school, I had a friend who faked mental illnesses (not 100% sure but at least 99.9% of the things they said were self-inconsistent). Screwed up my perspective on mental illness and I'm still trying to change that."'
"People who don’t understand the difference between opinion & fact and assume that their opinion is a fact."
"For some reason I see a crap ton of this in a horror movie group I'm in. Horror is such a subjective genre with many various subgenres and the amount of people that just absolutely crap on movies and state their opinions as fact is annoying as hell. Of course the music groups I'm in do the same thing too."
"People who can't admit they are in the wrong and sidestep by blaming you for something that happened years ago."
"My mom does it to me too. If she screws up, she blames me, and once proven wrong, she immediately brings up how I screwed something up from like 14 years ago, and somehow uses that to make me feel like it is my fault."
"People who take advantage of old, senile people. What caliber of piece of crap must you be. Fucking cowards, I spit on you."
"I used to work in supportive housing for folks with various disabilities, one day a client came to be crying because he didn’t have rent for the month. The reason?"
"He was scammed by someone pretending to be from social security. They called him to say that he had to pay back money from a (fabricated) overpayment or he would go to jail. It was extremely sad. Also saw lots of lonely elderly folks get scammed by internet 'girlfriends,' F**k scammers."
"YES! Here is where the true rage comes in! I live in a beautiful city and the amount of litter is revolting. It makes me so angry. I never chuck anything on the damn floor as there will undoubtedly be a bin nearby. It’s just laziness and carelessness."
Why do people litter? It's so gross. Save the world.
The Real Truth
"People who speak 'truth' without trying to understand perspectives outside their own."
"Along those lines, people who describe themselves as 'brutally honest.' Nah, chances are you're just an a**hole."
"People who are rude to wait staff and people who leave their shopping carts around the parking lot."
"I have always believed there are two types of people, those who return the cart to the corral and those who don’t. And this simple action tells me more about a person than a 2 hour long conversation."
"People who have no introspection and always play the victim."
"So I see you have met my brother. In the process of being sentenced for armed robbery but he still blames his pregnant dope head gf with some bs about how it was to support them and regularly busts out the alligator tears to get our mom to put money on his books."
"People who crap on retail workers or lowest wages just to feel better than them with no reason, screw them all."
"I had a coworker like this, dude was brainwashed into believing the franchise license and stock when the giant corporation had very negative company health and it reflected... Most popular chains in retail encourage low wage and try to establish an odd seniority hierarchy."
"People who smoke around children, especially in the same car."
"I 100000% agree with you and I’m a smoker. I don’t care if it’s cold, raining, windy, hot I’m going to stand my a** outside and have a smoke. I don’t smoke inside my house and I never have."
"I think you’d like to meet my neighbor that lives downstairs. She smokes all day long with an infant strapped to her chest."
Well this is a long list of nonsense people. Steer clear.
So many animals are only dangerous because of their need for survival or hunger.
Humans make the relationship with the animal kingdom worse.
Is there no way to co-exist?
One Redditor wanted to discuss aspects of the animal kingdom.
"Which animal gets undeserving hate?"
Tigers and lions. Have you seen the videos of the tigers and lions who have bonded with their human? It's possible.
Bless Youbat flying GIF by eve_agramGiphy
"Bats. They eat billions of insects. You should be thanking them."
"Vultures, eating dead bodies might seem ugly to some but other animals do the same thing but also murder them so how is just finding something that’s already dead and eating that worse, also eating a carcass removes deadly diseases like botulism from the environment."
"I always show my appreciation to the local goth turkeys."
"Blob Fish... they just get yeeted out of the water and the massive pressure difference makes them look 'strange.' Kinda rude I guess. Like if we get yeeted into space and Aliens would laugh at our disfigured forms and print T-Shirts of it."
"I think I read somewhere that the pressure change causes their cells to explode and that’s why they look so horrific after being pulled out of the water. Dunno how factual that is."
Not the Villain
"Hyenas, partially because a whole generation grew up watching them help kill Mufasa lol."
"I've seen people arguing this before but people hate hated hyenas years before the lion king came out. They were constantly used in folklore as villains and opportunist and were often considered unlucky in most african cultures."Eaglekingoftheskies
Back Upearth skunk GIF by Lil DickyGiphy
"Skunks are cute, man. Just give them space."
Skunks? Um... from afar, they're cute. But stay away...
Geniushomer simpson crow GIFGiphy
"Crows. Yes, I understand the caws can be annoying, but they're far more intelligent than a lot of people give them credit for."
"Possums! They eat pests and won't typically bother you unless rabid or provoked."
"Quick reminder then you need to specify which kind of possum, because not everyone here is from America. There a lots of possums here in Australia but they are completely different from the American kind in temperament! Only annoyance with possums here is if they get into your roof. Meanwhile in New Zealand, possums are ALWAYS a pest."
Bad Movie Vibes
"The guy who wrote Jaws ended up writing another book explaining how misunderstood sharks are. Because the movie Jaws scared everyone, and fishermen began to hunt sharks, making them endangered."
"I was gonna say this! They're not bad guys they are just doing shark stuff! It's the freakin' dolphin types you gotta watch out for. Orcas will kill for fun. A shark is just trying to eat and don't see that well."
"Black Cats.They aren't evil and they don't bring bad luck."
"It's a frequent mistake, but black cats actually bring good luck and blessings from The Void!
"Be sure to tell all your friends. If we work together to insist that black cats are good luck, we can help turn over the discrimination. Also, I have proof that they are good luck - whenever I see a black cat I become happy. Coincidence? I think not!!"
Heroesfrog michigan GIFGiphy
"Frogs. They eat the mosquitoes and other bugs you don’t like."
So many animals need some PR help.
Which ones would you add to this list? Let us know in the comments below.