Jokes are a great ice-breaker. They're a way to get yourself ingratiated to new people--as long as the jokes aren't themselves very offensive.
People love to laugh at the truth, the unexpected, and so many more things that jokes can contain. So put together a well-executed joke and you just might be able to be on your way to making more friends.
Redditor u/Chunky_Lover42069 asked:
"If someone asks you to tell them a joke, what's your go to?"
Here were some of their answers.
"I named my legless dog cigarette since I have to take him out for a drag."
"A woman woke up from a coma to find out she had birthed her twins while unconscious. The nurse assured her the babies were fine and that her brother was taking good care of them."
"The nurse further explained the brother had taken the liberty of naming them. The new mother asked for the names and the nurse said 'Well, your baby girl is Denise.'"
"And the mother said 'That's not terrible, what about my boy?'"
The Sheepdog Talks!
"A farmer looks up and sees his prized sheepdog running toward him."
"The sheepdog is panting, and says, 'Boss, I did it. It took me all morning, but I finally got all 100 sheep in the barn.'"
"The farmer says, 'That's great, but we only have 97 sheep.'"
"The sheepdog says, 'Yeah, I know. I rounded them up." -Chiliad9
Clergy Joke Alert
"A catholic priest, a baptist preacher, and a rabbi are drinking at a bar. After a few rounds, they agree that converting people is easy; a real challenge of faith would be converting a bear."
"So they agree to each go out into the woods, find a bear, try to convert it, and report back with their results the next week."
"The next week all three are back at the bar. The priest tells his story first, his face and arms covered in scratches. 'Well, I went out into the woods, found me a bear, and started reading to him from the Good Book.'"
"'Apparently he didn't take kindly to that, and started batting me around. But with a few sprinkles of holy water he was as gentle as the Lamb.'"
"The preacher goes next, his arm in a cast. 'Where I come from, we don't believe a little sprinkle is enough to cleanse the soul.'"
"'When my bear turned on me, I wrestled him down the hill to the river below, and baptized him. And lo and behold, he was as gentle as could be.'"
"The rabbi chuckles to himself as he sits there in a wheelchair and full body cast. 'I guess I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.'"-protonevoker
Doesn't it always feel great to have some new jokes to add to your arsenal?
"A man is drinking at a bar and sees a jar of $50 bills. He asks the bartender what the jar is for and the bartender says 'You have to put $50 in to find out.'"
"So the man says, 'no way I'm doing that!' And keeps on drinking. After a bit he gets curious and puts money in, the bartender tells him:"
"'You have to do 3 things. 1. You have to drink this bottle of whisky in under 12 seconds without making a face. 2. There's a mean old bulldog outback that needs a tooth pulled. 3. There's an old lady upstairs that hasn't done the dirty in a while so you have to go up there and do it with her.'"
"The man says, 'Hell no I'm not doing that.' But eventually after some more drinking, agrees to do it. He drinks the bottle in 8 seconds flat without making a face and goes outside for the dog."
"After a long long time of barking, growling, snapping, crying, he comes back in bloody and cut up and asks, 'Alright where's the lady with the bad tooth?'"-Seinfield_Succ
He Completed The Assignment
"I have one prepared for if I ever get asked this question in a job interview. It goes like this…"
"A man has an interview for a Sales Manager position at a company. During the interview, the Hiring Manager pulls out a brand new laptop and sets it on the desk in front of him."
"'If you're as good as you say you are – sell me this laptop.' The man picks the device up, studied it for a few seconds, then puts it under his arm and walks out the door."
"He's halfway down the hall when the Hiring Manager shouts, 'Hey! Bring me back that laptop!'"
"To which the man turns and replies, '£200 and it's yours.'"-LndnGrmmr
People Share Their Unexpected Happiest Moments | George Takei’s Oh MyyyWhile many of life's big events like weddings and births bring us joy, even the smallest of gestures or gifts can leave a lasting impression. Especially if y...
Arrr, It Be Time For A Pirate Joke
"A pirate walks into a bar. He's got a hook hand, peg-leg eye patch and a parrot. The bartender asks him how he lost his leg."
"The pirate replies 'arrr, 'twas bitten off by a shark. I barely made it back with me life.' The bartender says 'well that's terrible, how did you lose your hand?'"
"The pirate responds 'lost it in a duel.' The bartender takes a moment and asks 'and the eye patch.' The pirate sighs deeply and responds 'me parrot pooped in me eye.'"
"The bartender is confused and says 'How did you lose an eye from that?' and the pirate says ''twas me first day with the hook.'"-starmartyr
Never Trust A Super Person
"Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building."
"One says, 'Did you know if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the skyscrapers will stop your fall and blow you right back up here?'"
"'No way,' replied the second man."
"'Here, I'll prove it,' said the first, and he jumped out the window, fell down, down, down and then reversed course and came right back up and through the window."
"'Amazing!' exclaimed the second man, 'Let me try that.' He jumped and fell all the way to the pavement below."
"The bartender says to the first man, 'Damn, Superman, you're an a**hole when you're drunk.'"-DonDiamante
Did you know these jokes already or are they new to you?
Hehe Math Jokez
"Three statisticians go hunting. They're camped out for several days, cold, frustrated and on the verge of giving up when one of them finally spots a deer."
"The first statistician raises his rifle and fires, but misses to the left. The second statistician aims and fires wide to the right. The third statistician jumps up and exclaims, 'we got it!'"-the_idea_pig
Too Many Legs For Plans
"A guy invited a centipede to a movie and said "hey centipede would you like to go catch a movie with me?". The centipede didn't respond."
"He then asked a second time 'say centipede I asked if you would like to catch a movie later on today?' Still no answer."
"By the third time the man was feeling pretty offended and said 'Hey centipede if you don't want to go to the movies with me you can just say so, no need to be rude and ignore me…'"
"The centipede then turns around and yells at the man 'I heard you the first time I was putting on my shoes!……'"-WearSad2278
"A man walks into an airport bar and sees another traveler with his head in his hands looking miserable. He sits down next to the upset man and says, 'Hey, what's going on man, everything okay?'"
"'Oh yeah, I'm just super embarrassed!'"
"'I'm sure it's not that big of a deal, what happened?'"
"'It's pretty bad. I walked up to the attendant at the counter to get my tickets. So when I went to say 'Can I get two tickets to Pittsburg' I accidentally said, 'Can I get two pickets to Tittsburg." And it was just so embarrassing.'"
"The other guy replies, 'Don't even sweat it, guy! I did the same thing when I was having breakfast with my wife this morning.'"
"'I meant to say, "Hey, honey, can you pass the salt and pepper?" But what I said was, "you're ruining my life, you stupid b*tch!'""-megamike93
These jokes always take us just a little further over-the-edge than we were expecting.
But they're a refreshing little addition to anyone's palate for telling jokes and making new acquaintances at parties. Go forth, have fun, and joke on.
Why is Hollywood doing so many remakes and reboots?
There are so many stories to tell and produce.
History is at our fingertips.
Wars, death, great love, betrayal, science...
I would see all of that.
Redditor lowtack wanted to know what parts of the past need to be captured in cinematic glory.They asked:
What historical event has not, but should be, made into a movie?"
I don't know much about history. So teach me...
Capsuleschemistry atom GIF by funkGiphy
"The Goianas incident, dad stole a radiotherapy capsule from an abandoned hospital, didn't know what it was and opened it."
"Apollo 8. Basically the mission was originally only supposed to be a test of the lunar module in earth orbit, but rumours were circulating that the Soviet Union were going to attempt to send a man into lunar orbit (spoiler: this was not happening). As a result Apollo 8 was switched to being the first mission to the moon, not to land but to orbit."
"And this decision was made only 6 months before the scheduled launch date, so it was a race to get everything ready before the flight. It's a historic mission that is almost never talked about, compared with Apollo 11 which is much more well known."
"The Long Way Home"
"The story of the Pan Am flight that got caught in New Zealand at the start of WWII and couldn't fly back home by going east because it was too dangerous. So instead they took their flying boat and flew west on routes they had to figure out from maps pulled from borrowed encyclopedias, dodging the Japanese, and trying to find enough fuel to keep the plane going."
"The whole thing took months culminating in taking off from a river in the Congo and having to skim along through a canyon to build up speed since they were too heavy in order to even have a chance of crossing the Atlantic. The whole thing is tailor made for TV or a Film. There's a fantastic book written about the whole story called 'The Long Way Home' and was written with the Captain of the flight."
"The Niihau Incident. During the attack on Pearl Harbor, a Japanese Zero was damaged by anti-aircraft fire and crash landed on the remote Hawaiian island of Niihau. The Hawaiians, initially unaware of the attack on Pearl Harbor, treated the pilot with generosity and respect."
"After news of the attack came out, the pilot was placed under guard. With the help of some sympathetic locals, the pilot broke out and took two hostages: Ben Kanahele and his wife Ella. Later that night, Ben and Ella decided to fight their way out. Ben was shot three times, but still had enough strength to lift the pilot over his head and throw him into a brick wall."
"Ella, thinking her husband had been mortally wounded, killed the pilot by bashing his head in with a rock. Both Ben and Ella survived the incident and Ben was awarded two medals for his actions. Ella, who actually killed the enemy combatant, received no formal recognition. Oops: This was made into a movie: Enemy Within 2019."
"The Lioness of Brittany - medieval woman who led brutal attacks by land and sea against the French king in vengeance for the execution of her husband https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jeanne_de_Clisson."
How have we never heard these stories?
AlohaHappy Dance GIF by PLAYMOBILGiphy
"It's been batted around a few times in Hollywood but the history of how the ancient Hawaiian Islands were united under one man to form the Hawaiian kingdom is epic."
"Syndrome K. In 1943, a hospital in Rome located next to a Jewish ghetto, let Jews fleeing Nazi raids hide there. The professors in charge admitted Jews under the fake diagnosis of 'Syndrome K,' described as a highly contagious and dangerous disease. This successfully kept the Nazis out of the quarantine wards and the Jews safe for the duration of the war."
"The Spanish Invasion of The Aztec Empire by Cortés. There are so many unbelievable events that led up to the fall of Tenonchtitlan and Monteczuma II reign."
"A really good one is Hernán, it has a great production value and portrays it quite accurately from many perspectives, from the Spanish, Aztec, Malinche and from the Tlaxcaltec - I highly recommend it. https://m.imdb.com/title/tt9645942"
"Unless it's been done already, the life story of Ching Shih. She was a Chinese prostitute that was also deadliest pirate of all time. At the height of her power, she commanded over 800 large ships, 1000 smaller vessels, and over 70,000 pirate crew, comprised of both men and women."
"She was referenced in Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End. She's in the cast list as Mistress Ching... it would be so cool to see this."
shenanigans...Season 5 Drinking GIF by Broad CityGiphy
"The time John Adams and Benjamin Franklin were in France trying to gather support for the revolution and all the shenanigans they got up to."
Are you listening Hollywood? There is money here.
Ah to be young and carefree and not have a worry in the world.
So to be a kid, and have innocence and trust; those are the days.
Remember when our brains allowed us to think so much in life was real?
Or our imaginations saw honest truth in facade?
How dumb were we?
RedditorGeneral_Cow_7119wanted to know what lies we fell for in our youth.
"What did you falsely believe as a kid?"
There is so much to learn as we grow.
Swiss or Cheddar?
"I watched a lot of Wallace and Gromit and actually thought the moon was made out of cheese."
"Man, that episode made me cry. I wanted that robot to live his dream of skiing so badly. (Like he does eventually, but when they blast off and leave him I was in tears first time watching)."
"I was curious and had inquired about the concept of medicine. Parents rightfully told me that if I took medicine and wasn't sick, it could make me sick. My young brain morphed that into something more literal, I thought you would 'catch' whatever sickness the medicine was made to treat if you took it while healthy."
"Sneak one of mom's high-blood-pressure pills? Bang, you've now got high blood pressure for life. Cold medicine? Yep, now you have a cold."
"That the Bermuda Triangle was way more deadly than it is. My stepdad was in the Navy and had a cruise that went through it. I was legitimately afraid his ship would be sunk and no trace ever found."
"Yep. Turns out it's exactly as deadly as... any other busy seaway. Then any time a flight is delayed or a boat spends a few extra days out on the water."
"They get added to the count of people who 'went missing' in the Bermuda Triangle. Even though they... then show up, not even all that long later. You've basically got one incident of people refusing to believe their equipment and getting lost, and suddenly we think the place can contain anything from aliens to Skeletor."
So Many Years to Go
"You die when you turn 100. I was so afraid of attending funerals but took comfort in the fact that my great grandpa wouldn't turn 100 until I was in my 20s, so I could move away and not get back in time for the funeral. Also that since I was born at 10:56 PM that I would be asleep when I died since that was a really late time of day. Then my great grandpa had a heart attack and died when I was 8 and I was really confused."
"That yellow lights turned on when they detected dangerous conditions, like an erratic driver or nearing pedestrians. I thought this because my parents said that the yellow light meant to 'watch out,' without further clarification."
jim45804light nestor the long eared christmas donkey GIF by Warner ArchiveGiphy
Yellow mean slow down. Take a breath.
"Thought my mom makes the best mushroom soup in the world and it's her recipe. Then found out it was just Campbell."
puffpuff_unicornLiar Disbelief GIFGiphy
"I used to see those signs around stores that said, 'Shoplifters will be prosecuted.' I didn't know what shoplifting meant. I figured it was like weightlifting with the entire store building as the weight. I pictured big, burly, bald men that liked to go around heaving store buildings overhead, grunting and red-faced."
"I was afraid someone would try do it while we were out shopping. I once pointed out some big muscular guy in a store and whispered to my mother that he must be one of those shoplifters. She shushed me."
"I believed we could reincarnate as everything. I do mean everything. For example, I thought people could reincarnate as TVs and wondered if my TV was a person in its previous life and if it could see me watching it. I like to consider I was a pretty smart kid, so no idea why TF I believed that."
"I never actually believed in the tooth fairy I literally thought a dentist came into our house at night and did that tooth fairy stuff."
"My mother and aunt nearly crap themselves, when aged 6, I asked for them to search for the tooth fairy's address and phone number on google. Luckily the first article that came up, said the tooth fairy was homeless and too broke and I, as a child had too little empathy to care."
"I thought teachers lived at the school."
"Both my parents were teachers so I thought all adults got summertime off forever just like kids. Boy was I disappointed when I found out that wasn't the case."
rudesbyCanadian Comedy GIF by CBCGiphy
Ah, to be young and full of hope. And believe anything.
Oh, the beginning of the interwebs.
Those were the days.
We definitely did not see what was to come.
Maybe it should've stayed simple.
We'll never know.
Computers rule the world now.
Let's see where we are in another twenty years.
RedditorEzucraAaAa wanted to wax nostalgic about the good old days of technology and its humble beginnings.
"Redditors, what's something the internet was crazy about but is now forgotten?"
I miss the simplicity of not having a thousand apps. I'm simple.
Ah Memories...the messengers aol GIFGiphy
"Search engines before Google existed. Alta Vista, Lycos, Web Crawler..."
"Downloading custom cursors for your computer. I gave my family computer so many viruses back in the '00s trying to click things with a lightsaber."
"Amazing. I had totally forgotten about all the virusy stuff I downloaded to my home computer, purely so the cursor would disappear and reappear. My parents had zero knowhow with computers either, so likely had no idea wtf I was downloading. Cursors were cool though, despite all the malware."
"During the early days of the web, when most websites weren't plastered with advertising... Website view counters."
"Back in the day of counters, one day I went to my website and the counter was in the thousands. I just thought it malfunctioned and ignored it. Years later I learned that my website, which had a MIDI collection, was published in a newspaper in another country. I couldn't say for sure if that was true and whether it aligned with the counter change."
"Yea the internet was simpler too, layout style I mean. I like old style HTML webpage layouts. I personally don’t like hyper modern logos and designs on interfaces. Something about old slightly pixelated designs about them home screens and app logos really made them satisfying. I’ve even went as far as seeing if I could install some extensions that could change the layout of sites, make them feel older, give them that 2000’s html look."
Found ItLooking The Loud House GIF by NickelodeonGiphy
"I used to waste so much time with stumble upon."
What a strange and crazy place the internet was.
notificationBaby Love GIF by LINE FRIENDSGiphy
"Poking on Facebook."
"I had a friend that poked me and I never noticed the notification. He died. I now have this unreturned poke as a reminder that I’ll never be able to poke them back."
"Many flash games are not dead. BEHOLD! The flashpoint project. They have saved thousands of the old flash games in a playable format. Go forth and relive your childhood Also paging u/The_Middler_is_Here"
I will find you...
"There was a rhythm game that I don't remember the name of that me and some friends would challenge each other in, and it had the song Guitar vs Piano 2 which introduced me to Envy, who was a pretty big newgrounds artist at the time. I wanna go check out their stuff again now, I'd completely forgot about them till now."
"Forums. There used to be so many, incredibly active and dedicated forums."
"A lot of the forums I visited were ruined by photobucket when they decided they wanted paid a lot of money from their users. So many build threads and tutorials ruined."
"IMDb had the best message boards back in the day. Chatting with your internet friends around the globe about every nuance in your fave movie. Man I miss that. Reddit is close, but nothing beats the olden days."
FunEgg Hatch GIF by The Roku ChannelGiphy
"Do you guys remember those egg things that hatched little creatures after a while? You'd put one on your website and then the artist would update the source url with images of it hatching? There were all kinds of little fun things like that."
Those were the days!
Do you have something you'd like to share? Let us know in the comments below.
Not all television and movies are loved by all.
A story and its characters have to appeal to you in order for you to be engaged.
It can take next to nothing for us to lose interest and let the screen go black.
Redditor BarooTangClan wanted to compare notes on all the entertainment we've said "that's enough" to.
"What will make you instantly stop watching a movie or show and why?"
I hate bad acting, writing, storytelling... I hate bad anything.
Stop JumpingFight Scene GIF by Operation FortuneGiphy
"Fight scenes with a million visual cuts. Gives me motion sickness. Contrast the absolutely masterful work in John Wick. long cuts, realistic use of weapons (mostly), 100% skill."
"When the actors whisper the whole movie and you have to crank the volume to hear what's being said - but the soundtrack or some other misc noise starts blaring at a higher volume directly after."
"I basically had to watch Stranger Things up in my attic with the windows and doors closed. I was worried the neighbors would think something was wrong or be annoyed if I watched it downstairs in my single family home. It was ridiculous."
"spice things up"
"Love triangles out of no where in a second or third season to 'spice things up' because studio writers are hacks and their idea of relationship drama is 'potential infidelity' at all times. It's the most tired trope on the go**amn planet and the second I see it rear its head I dip right the hell out."
"The whole concept of a love triangle to begin with an incredibly juvenile. Any healthy functioning adult who found themselves in a love triangle would soon choose to find themselves single."
Save your lips...
"When couples in a movie/show have a fight and one of them instantly goes to a friend and end up kissing her/him after talking for 5 minutes. I cringe so hard i turn it off and never watch it again."
"This pissed me off so much in Manifest. Girl is desperate to get back her ex-fiancé, he finally breaks up with his wife to get back with her and she's like 'nah, it's not fair to your wife, let me do this other dude I just met through a calling and be pissed at you for being jealous.' Michaela was the worst and everyone acted as if she were a saint the entire time."
Talk to MeIn Love Flirt GIF by OriginalsGiphy
"Shows where a single polite conversation could fix everything."
We are going overboard with the witty repartee. Talk normal...
Shut UpScared Home Alone GIF by FreeformGiphy
"Annoying main character, especially if it's a kid."
"Kids who have a quippy, sassy retort to everything, and everyone just kind of crumbles before their wit."
"Shows where kids in high school talk like they are 30 years olds who have done everything, been everywhere, know it all and use a ridiculously flowery and extensive vocabulary in every conversation. Like, have any of these writers ever been to high school? Literally no one talks like that. Even worse is when, in addition to this, all the adults talk normal or are just plain stupid, like so weird parallel universe."
"If the movie is too dark. Not graphic, just literally dark. I lose all sense of intensity in dark scenes and I'm not straining my damn eyes trying to figure out what the hell is going on."
"I've seen about 10 percent of all DC movies recently. I've seen all of the individual films in full, just actually saw 10% of each of them."
"Movies in the late 80s had a lot of dark but you could see the depth because of different shooting techniques. Now you cant see crap because its a CGI fest drowned in black color so you can't see crap because you have no depth in a scene. Compare night scenes in dark alleys in 80's movies and movies now. Utter crap show in the new ones."
Pay Attention Storytellers
"Bad editing would be a big one. A lot of modern horror movies can't help but edit the movies like they're trailers, with added noises to scare the audience because they are afraid the script alone isn't enough to keep people watching."
"I remember this is where the first transformers movie lost me. When the transformers are fighting at the end, it's all a big, jumbled mess of metal and I can barely tell what's going on or who is who."
Dramawill devry soap opera GIF by General HospitalGiphy
"When they go straight to relationship drama right away when it wasn't the selling point of the show."
Do better, Hollywood. It's not that hard.