Jokes are a great ice-breaker. They're a way to get yourself ingratiated to new people--as long as the jokes aren't themselves very offensive.
People love to laugh at the truth, the unexpected, and so many more things that jokes can contain. So put together a well-executed joke and you just might be able to be on your way to making more friends.
Redditor u/Chunky_Lover42069 asked:
"If someone asks you to tell them a joke, what's your go to?"
Here were some of their answers.
De-Nooooooo
"I named my legless dog cigarette since I have to take him out for a drag."
"A woman woke up from a coma to find out she had birthed her twins while unconscious. The nurse assured her the babies were fine and that her brother was taking good care of them."
"The nurse further explained the brother had taken the liberty of naming them. The new mother asked for the names and the nurse said 'Well, your baby girl is Denise.'"
"And the mother said 'That's not terrible, what about my boy?'"
"'Denephew.'"-Simple2244
The Sheepdog Talks!
"A farmer looks up and sees his prized sheepdog running toward him."
"The sheepdog is panting, and says, 'Boss, I did it. It took me all morning, but I finally got all 100 sheep in the barn.'"
"The farmer says, 'That's great, but we only have 97 sheep.'"
"The sheepdog says, 'Yeah, I know. I rounded them up." -Chiliad9
Clergy Joke Alert
"A catholic priest, a baptist preacher, and a rabbi are drinking at a bar. After a few rounds, they agree that converting people is easy; a real challenge of faith would be converting a bear."
"So they agree to each go out into the woods, find a bear, try to convert it, and report back with their results the next week."
"The next week all three are back at the bar. The priest tells his story first, his face and arms covered in scratches. 'Well, I went out into the woods, found me a bear, and started reading to him from the Good Book.'"
"'Apparently he didn't take kindly to that, and started batting me around. But with a few sprinkles of holy water he was as gentle as the Lamb.'"
"The preacher goes next, his arm in a cast. 'Where I come from, we don't believe a little sprinkle is enough to cleanse the soul.'"
"'When my bear turned on me, I wrestled him down the hill to the river below, and baptized him. And lo and behold, he was as gentle as could be.'"
"The rabbi chuckles to himself as he sits there in a wheelchair and full body cast. 'I guess I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.'"-protonevoker
Doesn't it always feel great to have some new jokes to add to your arsenal?
Fifty Dollars?!
"A man is drinking at a bar and sees a jar of $50 bills. He asks the bartender what the jar is for and the bartender says 'You have to put $50 in to find out.'"
"So the man says, 'no way I'm doing that!' And keeps on drinking. After a bit he gets curious and puts money in, the bartender tells him:"
"'You have to do 3 things. 1. You have to drink this bottle of whisky in under 12 seconds without making a face. 2. There's a mean old bulldog outback that needs a tooth pulled. 3. There's an old lady upstairs that hasn't done the dirty in a while so you have to go up there and do it with her.'"
"The man says, 'Hell no I'm not doing that.' But eventually after some more drinking, agrees to do it. He drinks the bottle in 8 seconds flat without making a face and goes outside for the dog."
"After a long long time of barking, growling, snapping, crying, he comes back in bloody and cut up and asks, 'Alright where's the lady with the bad tooth?'"-Seinfield_Succ
He Completed The Assignment
"I have one prepared for if I ever get asked this question in a job interview. It goes like this…"
"A man has an interview for a Sales Manager position at a company. During the interview, the Hiring Manager pulls out a brand new laptop and sets it on the desk in front of him."
"'If you're as good as you say you are – sell me this laptop.' The man picks the device up, studied it for a few seconds, then puts it under his arm and walks out the door."
"He's halfway down the hall when the Hiring Manager shouts, 'Hey! Bring me back that laptop!'"
"To which the man turns and replies, '£200 and it's yours.'"-LndnGrmmr
People Share Their Unexpected Happiest Moments | George Takei’s Oh Myyy
While many of life's big events like weddings and births bring us joy, even the smallest of gestures or gifts can leave a lasting impression. Especially if y...Arrr, It Be Time For A Pirate Joke
"A pirate walks into a bar. He's got a hook hand, peg-leg eye patch and a parrot. The bartender asks him how he lost his leg."
"The pirate replies 'arrr, 'twas bitten off by a shark. I barely made it back with me life.' The bartender says 'well that's terrible, how did you lose your hand?'"
"The pirate responds 'lost it in a duel.' The bartender takes a moment and asks 'and the eye patch.' The pirate sighs deeply and responds 'me parrot pooped in me eye.'"
"The bartender is confused and says 'How did you lose an eye from that?' and the pirate says ''twas me first day with the hook.'"-starmartyr
Never Trust A Super Person
"Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building."
"One says, 'Did you know if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the skyscrapers will stop your fall and blow you right back up here?'"
"'No way,' replied the second man."
"'Here, I'll prove it,' said the first, and he jumped out the window, fell down, down, down and then reversed course and came right back up and through the window."
"'Amazing!' exclaimed the second man, 'Let me try that.' He jumped and fell all the way to the pavement below."
"The bartender says to the first man, 'Damn, Superman, you're an a**hole when you're drunk.'"-DonDiamante
Did you know these jokes already or are they new to you?
Hehe Math Jokez
"Three statisticians go hunting. They're camped out for several days, cold, frustrated and on the verge of giving up when one of them finally spots a deer."
"The first statistician raises his rifle and fires, but misses to the left. The second statistician aims and fires wide to the right. The third statistician jumps up and exclaims, 'we got it!'"-the_idea_pig
Too Many Legs For Plans
"A guy invited a centipede to a movie and said "hey centipede would you like to go catch a movie with me?". The centipede didn't respond."
"He then asked a second time 'say centipede I asked if you would like to catch a movie later on today?' Still no answer."
"By the third time the man was feeling pretty offended and said 'Hey centipede if you don't want to go to the movies with me you can just say so, no need to be rude and ignore me…'"
"The centipede then turns around and yells at the man 'I heard you the first time I was putting on my shoes!……'"-WearSad2278
So Embarrassing
"A man walks into an airport bar and sees another traveler with his head in his hands looking miserable. He sits down next to the upset man and says, 'Hey, what's going on man, everything okay?'"
"'Oh yeah, I'm just super embarrassed!'"
"'I'm sure it's not that big of a deal, what happened?'"
"'It's pretty bad. I walked up to the attendant at the counter to get my tickets. So when I went to say 'Can I get two tickets to Pittsburg' I accidentally said, 'Can I get two pickets to Tittsburg." And it was just so embarrassing.'"
"The other guy replies, 'Don't even sweat it, guy! I did the same thing when I was having breakfast with my wife this morning.'"
"'I meant to say, "Hey, honey, can you pass the salt and pepper?" But what I said was, "you're ruining my life, you stupid b*tch!'""-megamike93
These jokes always take us just a little further over-the-edge than we were expecting.
But they're a refreshing little addition to anyone's palate for telling jokes and making new acquaintances at parties. Go forth, have fun, and joke on.
Whether we like it or not, the fact that each and every one of us will expire one day and go off into whatever the next phase of existence is is a harsh reality.
So we might as well make the most of the time we have while we're here and leave our mark.
What kind of legacy would you want to leave for the succeeding generations?
Curious to hear from strangers online about how they want to be remembered posthumously, Redditor D_And_R_Gaming asked:
"What do you want written on your tombstone?"
There is still humor in death.
Misunderstanding
"I asked to be cremated what the hell"
–Aksjer
"I was going to say 'Bacon Cheeseburger' but then realized that’s Jack’s, not Tombstone."
– ImAF'kinLiar
Life Is A Crapshoot
"I've made many dumb decisions in my life, and only one of them got me killed."
– kinda_fruity_ngl
"Russian roulette without the roulette."
– Aquahert
People got creative.
Keeping Score
"A Steam review of Life:"
"309,936 hours played 'It's OK.' 👎 Does NOT Recommend "
<em>– Anti</em><span></span><em>Theory</em>
-Reddit
Old School
"(My Name)"
"1964 - 2137"
– TrailerParkPrepper
"My spidey senses tell me you are from Poland."
– itstoolatebro
Careful What You Wish For
"Slightly off topic….but I saw a picture of a headstone once that had a cookie recipe on the back of it. The poster said that while grandma was alive, they’d ask her for her famous cookie recipe and she’d say, 'over my dead body'. So, when she died, they found the recipe and put it where she always said - over her dead body."
"I don’t care if it’s true or not; that’s savage and I’m here for it!"
– Fluffy_Momma_C
There seems to be no limit to what you can have on your epitaph.
We Have Options
"GAME OVER
[ ] Continue
[X] Save & Quit"
– theyusedthelamppost
"GAME OVER
[ ] Continue
[ ] Save & Quit
[X] Quit
I don't have to be saved"– Mor_Hjordis
Spirit Rises
"My body lies but still I roam."
– twistedsister78
"Roamer, Wanderer, Nomad, Vagabond, Call me what you will"
– cooperkfb8
Message To Mortals
"GET OFF MY DAMN GRAVE!!"
– LucyVialli
"In really small writing... 'you're standing on my balls'"
– reiveroftheborder
Only The Strong Survive
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
– parataxis
"Evidently you didn't get stronger."
– 69420memes
How Bewitching
"A short melody in sheet music carved into the stone that causes bad weather and time travel paradoxes when repeated."
– MrLuxarina
A Lasting Impression
"I dunno but when I was a kid I came across the tombstone of a world war 2 vet. And on the tombstone was his picture. He has very long canine teethe like a vampire, on the stone was a poem that read"
“'Beware kind friend as you pass by. As you are now, so once was I. As I am now, you soon will be. Prepare for death and follow me.' It’s just something I’ve never forgotten."
– Ok-Hovercraft2713
I remember being amused as a kid waiting in line to ride Disneyland's iconic Haunted Mansion attraction.
Up on a hillside adjacent to the Antebellum-style manse were a series of headstones with darkly humorous epitaphs.
One that particularly drew my attention was one that read:
"Here lies good old Fred. A great big rock fell on his head. R.I.P."
At the time, I really did think gravestones explained how the deceased perished, and that this one was intentionally funny.
Can you imagine?
People Confess Which Articles Of Clothing And Accessories Make Someone Instantly Unattractive
Legendary fashion designer Coco Chanel once famously quipped, "before you leave the house, look in the mirror and remove one accessory."
Indeed, sometimes it is truly remarkable how one item, be it a wrap, a hat or a brooch, can ruin the whole effect of an outfit.
In some extreme cases, it might also result in making someone's physical appearance seem worse than it is, by inadvertently emphasizing one of their less flattering features.
Then too, there are various accessories or types of clothing which simply never look good on anyone, under any circumstances.
"What is a piece of clothing or an accessory that makes a person immediately unattractive?"
In Case You Needed Reminding...
"Any shirt that has a long statement about how the person wants to be viewed."
"'I'M A BEER DRINKING, HARD WORKING, GUN OWNING REAL MAN WHO EATS MEAT AND NEVER MAKES EXCUSES OR TAKES SHORTCUTS IN LIFE'."
"'IF YOU'RE TRIGGERED, TAKE A NUMBER. I'LL GET TO YOU IN ABOUT A YEAR'."- Delica
"I'll bet Gas Station Kino shirts, with the angry flaming skeletons pointing two guns at you, declaring I'M A FORKLIFT OPERATOR WE WORK HARD AND WE PLAY HARD."- MontrealChickenSpice
"Any of that aggressive STOMP MY FLAG ILL STOMP YOUR A** sh*t."
"Makes me feel like they’re just stupid and angry, a dangerous combination."- neermif
bart simpson episode 22 GIFGiphyA Sight No One Needs To See
"Pants worn below buttocks."- anonnautilus
"Pants that are their size they just don't hold them up with a belt and show their whole underwear, or shrugs."- Jaceie
Million Dollar Smiles Shouldn't Be Taken Literally...
"Teeth Grills"
"They look f*ckin ridiculous."- DavosLostFingers
old lady smile GIFGiphyCan They Even See Through Them?
"Eyelashes that are too obviously fake."- LawInevitable2213
No One Really Wants To Be Compared To A Vegetable...
"The thing I find most disgusting currently is the broccoli haircut."
"Looks so bad."- Guilty-Ad-2762
Well Worn, But Not In A Good Way...
"Those God-awful jeans dudes wear with the random ribbed patches on the thighs."
"You know the ones."
"ABOLISH THEM!"- muffinbaby000
No Matter The Interpreter...
"Anything with the joker on it."
"Double that if there is an edgy quote on it as well."- Maleficent-Elk-3298
Bigger Is Not Always Better...
"Giant, long fake fingernails."
"And dinner plates in the earlobes."- sam_the_beagle
"I Am A Material Girl"...
"I'm not a fan of clout-chasing branded clothing."
"It screams materialistic consumerism and that is not cute to me."- coddiwomplecactus
Dude, Where's The Boat?
"The preppy frat man/boy style."
"Salmon shorts, a pastel vineyard vines button-down, and Sperry’s."
"Sorry but it makes some people look like overgrown toddlers at Easter mass."- Mirrorflute88
Unless You're Diana Ross, Maybe...
"Anything with the word Supreme on it."- ILLogicaL_FALLacies
It Must Complicate Eating...
"The older I get, the sillier tongue piercings seem to me."- deltree3030
Sexy Temptation Island GIF by RTLGiphyNeedless to say, one's taste in clothing is a personal decision.
But as the saying goes, true beauty comes from within, and those who make a determined effort to improve their appearance, often end up doing just the opposite.
I've embraced the single life.
It's been a decade, so I really had no other choice.
And I can tell you there are plenty of pros to the situation.
When we're single, it seems like we're addicted to focusing on the cons.
But if you start by appreciating yourself more, the pros list grows.
Not watching rom-coms is a big one for me.
And, of course, having a plethora of pins and voodoo dolls of your loved ones and their partners.
I kid. A little.
Redditor thunderchild10 wanted everyone to count all the ways not having a life partner is great, so they asked:
"What's the best thing about being single?"
Money!
That's my favorite part.
I just spend it on me!
Peace Out
Sneaking Out Betty Cooper GIF by Lili ReinhartGiphy"You can leave family functions on your own terms."
bruteski226
"I’m a huge advocate of the Irish exit. Why do you need to say goodbye to everyone if you know you’re going to see them again in a few days."
Aeokikit
No Food Sharing
"I can eat whatever I want for dinner. I don't have to consider anyone else's opinions. I can plan out whatever I want."
lady_laughs_too_much
"Legit one of my concerns. I have what I call a peasant’s palate… I like simple meals, and I will easily eat the same thing over and over again. I made a chicken and broccoli casserole thing on the weekend and ate that for four days in a row. Sometimes I have chips for dinner. I’m happy with my weird menu, and I’m not looking forward to accommodating someone else."
ReadySetTurtle
Ah, yes... silence
"Peace and quiet."
Earnastus
"This is the big one for me. I spend all day listening to people talk, often distressed. So it's nice to come home to quiet. No more talk. Just the ambient sound of my local neighborhood, markedly muffled by double-glazed windows and soundproofed walls."
"The occasional quiet grunt from my dog. The quiet whirl of the refrigerator motor. My own thought as to why it's spelled refrigerator, but when we shorten it, we put a d in there, and make it fridge. The sound of me typing these thoughts on the keyboard in front of me. The quiet eeeeeeeeeeeee of my tinnitus backed all of it. Ah, yes... silence."
OzzieBloke777
So much space...
"Of all the perks I think the best one has to be getting the bed all to myself."
Salsa1212
"My partner and I sleep in different beds and I would 100% recommend if you have the space. Started out when we were working different shifts, stayed because we both had AMAZING sleeps."
TheFalseLion
"Can confirm. Haven't had the bed to myself in 7 years. Have upgraded to sharing with the partner AND toddler now. King-sized bed never seemed so small."
Friendly_Grocery2890
Everything!
Happy Well Done GIF by Top TalentGiphy"Loads of things. Mostly around being able to act exclusively for your own betterment without having to consider anyone else."
monkeybawz
The list just gets longer and better.
Just Me
free freedom GIFGiphy"That you can do whatever TF you want without having to answer to anyone."
CapG_13
Anxiety Free
"Not living in fear that my relationship will fall apart."
"God bless anyone who is going through this. It sucks really hard when you try to make things work but you just don't get enough assurance from your partner."
MaybeNot_MaybeYes
"After a few years of marriage, I actively did everything to make my relationship with my ex fall apart. Granted he was abusive and I was terrified that he would kill me for asking for a divorce because he frequently told me that he would, so I just made his life as uncomfortable as possible until he was the one who asked for a divorce."
TwirlyShirley8
Calm Entrance
"Knowing exactly what to expect when you come home and open the front door."
P4S5B60
"Holy s**t, this resonates. I'm recently divorced and I can't explain how much anxiety I had when coming home and opening the door. The even keel of the emotional landscape now is pure bliss."
boltershmoo
"Saaaaame. That moment I would hear the garage door open when my former partner was getting home: most anxiety-inducing moment/sound. I would go into panic mode: hell did I clean enough/do enough/be productive enough so that I don’t catch some shi**y attitude from the partner."
kusava-kink
Focus
"Not being a slave to someone else’s emotional state."
90sTVGuru
"Deada**, this is the first time I’ve been able to focus on my emotional state in forever! My mental health has never been better. And I was even able to wean completely off of SSRIs. My ex was quite literally one of the biggest triggers of my anxiety and depression."
jets3tter094
"As someone who is recently single, this is a big one. Sometimes I felt like my partner's emotional state was too chaotic for me and I was a sponge to it. Not being a slave to it anymore has made my anxiety calm down a lot."
chubberbubbers
You First
Look At Me Reaction GIF by WWEGiphy"You get to put yourself first. Take care of yourself. You're your own biggest fan, and the only one you've got. 100% learn to love yourself."
happier_days
Well sounds like some of us should embrace being alone.
Apparently, it ain't all that bad.
Do you have anything to add? Let us know in the comments below.
Too many of us were told to grow up or that it would be wrong to continue to enjoy the things that made our childhoods worth remembering.
But now as adults, some have figured out that there's nothing wrong with enjoying a nice bowl of sugary cereal while watching those Saturday morning cartoons. Quite frankly, it feeds the soul.
Redditor iStoleurvalor asked:
"What is 'for kids' that you continue to thoroughly enjoy as an adult?"
Outdoor Playtime
"Playgrounds in general. Since becoming a dad, I can bring my kids to the playground and have fun with them on the slides, swings, monkey bars; most things."
"I wish there were public/free adult-sized playgrounds. It'd probably encourage us to get out a lot more. It feels like everything geared for adults nowadays charges admission, and it's not cheap."
- densetsu23
The All-Fours Climb
"Going up the stairs on all fours will always be fun."
- Curious-Kaylee
"I’m a huge advocate for climbing stairs on all fours, but I’m now imagining how horrifying it would be to see that in a public setting, lol (laughing out loud)."
- metallic_buttcheeks
"'LOOK OUT, KIDS! SHE'S COMING!'"
"*kids screaming*"
- KeepCalmSayRightOn
"I need to try this. But the only steps I regularly take are at work, lol (laughing out loud)."
- tittilizing
"I race up the stairs at work on all fours to assert dominance."
- JoshPlaysUltimate
Animated Movies as an Art Form
"Animated movies in general. I can still enjoy them. When I've had a rough day or if I'm just feeling down, I can put on something wholesome, funny, or nostalgic and it makes me feel better."
- catching_signals
"'Emperor's New Groove' is my favorite feel-good movie."
- Compulsive-Gremlin
Sticker Collections
"STICKERSSSSS."
- ObviouslyKatie
"F**K YES."
"Never enough stickers. I had a s**tty childhood (like most of us) but stickers always made me happy, especially the fuzzy ones. Suddenly understanding why I'm still bonkers for stickers."
- limeporcupine
Gotta Catch 'Em All
"Pokemon. Started with Red when I was five and haven't stopped since. Doubt I ever will. If anything, my enjoyment of Pokemon is becoming more childlike."
- The_Prezzy
In Cracker Form
"Goldfish. It's hard to resist when my niece is having them for a snack. I make a big show about me being a shark and eating them just so I can have some."
- Drew-
"I really thought you meant actual fish at first..."
Travelerofhighland86
"Fish are friends, not food."
- Phoneking13
A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood
"Mister Rogers' Neighborhood. Of course, it isn't solely for kids, as he made each episode with a mind towards parents watching them with their children, but he's so wholesome and kind, so deliberate and thoughtful with everything that he put on the show."
- Puddnhead_Wilson
"I’d never watched it before and my husband wanted to watch the Tom Hanks movie. But he wanted me to see the real Mister Rogers first. So there we sat, two adults over 30, watching episodes of Mister Rogers. And I loved it!"
- Ankylowright
Favorite Stuffies
"I remember a Reddit post from several years ago where this guy who was in the army or Marines or whatever gushed about his plush Magicarp. He even sent a picture of the Magicarp next to an automatic rifle."
- Mind101
"I'm almost 40 and not ashamed to say I still have my teddy bear, Wally, my mom made when I was two. His arms are lopsided, his ears are wonky, and he is made from upholstery fabric from a 70s couch cushion, but I love that dude."
"I did eight years in two branches of the Marines and Army and did three deployments, and you bet Wally was with me. Either stuffed in a pack or seabag, but he was there because I needed him."
- Jaymakk13
Gotta Love Disney
"Disney animated movies."
"I am a big, mean-looking 40-year-old man. I drove to work listening to the soundtrack to 'Moana.'"
- mkicon
"Second big, mean-looking 40-year-old man here. I may or may not have sobbed on my way to work while kind of singing the soundtrack to 'Encanto' this morning through my tears."
"I'm with you, bro."
- SHABDICE
Who Lives in a Pineapple Under the Sea?
"Not me, but my 55-year-old dad still loves SpongeBob. He'll wake up on a Saturday morning and have his juice and breakfast while watching Spongebob."
- Hwetapple
"Dude, same. Almost every time I go over there, he's always watching SpongeBob. He recently found out he gets Boomerang on his Roku, so he's just been watching 'Tom & Jerry' and 'Loony Toons.'"
"I also love those cartoons so I'm definitely not talking s**t."
- Theren_Alister_XIII
Chocolate Milk, For Sure
"Chocolate Milk."
- Toy_Guy_in_MO
"Who says chocolate milk is only for kids?"
- transformers03
"Ice cold chocolate milk is amazing."
- SigridBaginnses
Skipping Down the Sidewalk
"Skipping. If you haven't skipped in a while, do it. You'll realize how much faster it is than walking, and how much more ground you cover."
- trx0x
Coloring
"Coloring."
"Not with craft paper and high-end pencils adult coloring, either."
"Nope. With a 'Moana' coloring book and the 64-count Crayola box."
- TheSquishyPaleDuke
They'll Never Go Out of Style
"I cannot stop making summer camp-style knotted friendship bracelets out of embroidery floss."
"It keeps my hands busy while I'm working/watching TV/traveling and I don't get sucked into my phone."
"Now I just leave piles of bracelets everywhere."
- andtheIToldYouSos
Breakfast of Champions
"Breakfast cereals... all of the fruity, sugar-filled candy-like cereals. It is totally my weekend treat. Nothing during the week."
"Fruity pebbles (Dino bites now. Post changed the recipe a while back) is totally my jam. Who doesn't like destroying the roof of their mouth on some Cap'n crunch?"
- hammerraptor
These are great reminders of some of the good things we had in our childhood, but it's an even more important lesson that there's no harm in doing something for our inner child every once in a while, maybe even every day.