Everyone thinks their family is weird, and they are, but each has their own unique quirks people can call their own. In my house, it's having family conversations with our three cats - all at once. It works and it's weird. What's yours?
Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.
Cards that don't fit the occasion... I like it.
We always get each other cards for holidays and birthdays, but we make them the stupidest or most unrelated card possible. Like my mom gave me a card for my 18th birthday that was all about how she was proud of the strong black man that I had become... I'm white.
My mom had gallbladder surgery and me and my brother got her a bunch of "It's a girl!" balloons. Lots of confused nurses asking us if we were looking for the maternity ward.
We also try to get weird things written on cakes. "Sorry About the Test Results" was one that we thought was hilarious. "It was only a mole." was another. A lot of people don't get it. I have tried extending it beyond my family. I got my friend a "Happy Bat Mitzvah" card for her wedding. She was really confused and told me that neither her or her husband were Jewish (they also weren't turning 13).
However, in college I had an Australian roommate and he had to have his appendix removed. I pulled the same stunt and got him a bunch of "It's a Boy" balloons. He said it was the funniest s*** he had ever seen. All those balloons and confused doctors and nurses.
Edit: Woah, thanks for the Gold! I'll send you a "Sorry for your loss" card!
WARNING: butt slap ahead.
The double-clap butt-slap warning.
For quite a while, my large family found it highly entertaining to playfully slap each others' butts. It was somewhere between football players' "we swear this is manly" and "that actually kind of hurt a little".
Well, we decided that fair warning was in order, so that we had a chance of evading. This consisted of clapping twice. Sometimes a fast clap, clap and tap in what felt like one smooth motion, but probably looked spectacularly ridiculous. Sometimes a slow, meaningful clap...clap... Wait for it... SLAP.
We started just randomly clapping twice without a clear shot, hoping the other person would forget about it by the time we had a chance. We had to set what amounted to a statute of limitations on the time from first clap to slap. 5 minutes, if I remember correctly.
By then, we'd clap just to watch our siblings jump. Endless entertainment. We still do it now and then. The oldest is over 40, youngest mid-twenties, and the next generation (17 down to infant) has no idea what to think of it.
I could probably think of dozens more, but this one came to mind first.
It's the greatest form of flattery.
My brother and I were born in Scotland but immigrated to Canada at a young age. Neither of us have accents like our parents, but over time we have learned to imitate to perfection. Any time we are joking with my parents, mocking them or asking for something we use thick Scottish accents and slang. Also talk to our dog STRICTLY with an accent.
High tea in the afternoon.
If we are all at home together we sit down twice a day for an hour to drink tea. At 10 am and 4 pm. The retirees do this every day.
Is this really a great thing to do? Sounds like a certain president.
My grandad was a very forceful character, and also a very bright man. Whenever anyone did anything smart he'd say "He/she got that from me." He died ten years ago, but we still reference that when something good happens, but through osmosis it now has spread to non-blood relatives and inanimate objects. My cousin's kid does a good drawing? Yup, got that from Opa Herman. My cousin's wife gets promoted? Clearly thanks to Opa Herman. My car goes through the MoT no problem. Opa Herman!
This is kind.
Whenever we drop someone off at their house at night, we have them flicker on and off the front porch light to signal they are okay (in case of an intruder).
Edit: I realize this isn't necessary effective. That's why it's more of a quirk or tradition.
Jeopardy every night. We always set it to record because sometimes we don't have time to watch it when it airs. Now we don't give the answer in the form of a question or keep score, it's not that extreme, but the person that gets final jeopardy gets high fives. When I'm away at school my mom texts me the final jeopardy question so I still get to play a little when I'm away
Once my younger sister stopped believing in Santa (around 15 years ago) my parents starting making our Christmas presents from dogs that we knew - our dog, our cousin's dog, our neighbor's dog.
I think on this particular Christmas Eve, Mum and Dad were delirious and thought it would be funny, and it has stuck. My parents now have 3 chickens and they do all our Christmas shopping each year, apparently.
Edit: to clarify - the presents were made out to be given from dogs we knew. They were none the wiser as to what they got us
About 25 percent of my family has hearing loss, and can't hear certain frequencies. So we are always yelling at each other.
This is stealthily classy.
When more guests arrive than expected, mom uses a secret code for me and dad, that is- FHB (Family Hold Back).
This is done so that we eat less, and the extra unexpected guests don't run out of food.
Just in case no one makes it to morning.
You have to say goodnight to everyone in the house before you go to bed. If they're already asleep, you have to say it outside of their door just in case they may still be awake to hear it. I never thought anything of this until I spent the night at my ex's house and I wanted to say goodnight to his roommates. I seriously thought everyone did this.
In my family, it's played in two different keys on the piano. And badly sung.
Any time it is someones birthday we purposefully sing as badly as we can. It is hilarious. My mom usually ends up aggressively coughing because she thinks that is funnier than singing.
Free stuff smells great.
At Christmas we sniff the presents before opening them. I don't know why and most of the time they just smell like wrapping paper. It's been going on for over 20 years now.
Til you were 23?!
Until I was 23 I thought Tupperware was called "Mctainers" instead of containers. My parents still have never justified why they have always only called them that to the point I still slip up and call them Mctainers regularly.
We bring a sock monkey everywhere we go on vacation and take pictures of it in front of monuments, signs, etc. My mom is really the one keeping the tradition alive though.
People have different levels of tolerance when it comes to profanity.
And some people can't stand the sound of rude or vulgar language so much that they can't bring themselves to say these naughty words themselves.
But when anyone reaches a high level of anger or frustration, they still might need a verbal outlet.
And instead find themselves coming up with an alternative word, which helps them release their anger, but won't offend any nearby ears.
Redditor No-Citron5628 was curious to hear people's favorite alternatives to curse words, leading them to ask:
"What is your best swear word alternative?"
"Oh neptune."- StrappinYoungZiltoid
The last thing you want to find in your bed!
Instead of rude, be educational!
"I said this instead of… other words once when I tripped and accidentally taught this to my nephew."
"Now my sister sends me videos of my nephew saying it when things don’t go his way."- YellowForest4Warning GIFGiphy
Think of the children!
"Not sure of an actual word, but my bf and I have been trying to limit cursing since my toddler is becoming very verbal."
"He’s resorted to making very angry yelling caveman sounds when he wants to curse someone out rather than using the actual words."- Present-Lime-1244
"I like, 'slug in a ditch'."- spiked_macaroonslug GIFGiphy
We can always learn a thing or two from the kids...
"A child in my class tries to swear but unintentionally says foot instead of f*ck."
"It's probably my favorite alternative."
"Wow, didn't expect this to get so much attention."
"Thank you for the award! "
"For those asking, he is a very tiny child with a deep yorkshire accent who actually picked up the word from another child but hasn't noticed he doesn't have the pronunciation quite right yet."
"Context wise though he's bang on which makes it even funnier."- sophishx
Just one word won't do!
"DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET, LARRY?!"
"DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU FIND A STRANGER IN THE ALPS?!"- KevinBillyStinkwater
Be mindful, it could backfire
"When my son was little he started saying bastard so I kept saying custard."
"Until the day he complained that we were having bananas and bastard again."- CheeryShortarseDoctor Who Snack GIF by BBC AmericaGiphy
Mother knows best.
"My mother always said, 'Curses!'"
"We, the kids, laugh about it all the time."- tenzip10-0
If you feel like you've sufficiently got your anger or frustration out of your system, your choice of words served their purpose.
Whether or not they would have to be bleeped out on network TV.
When we think of iconic movie quotes, there are several which come instantly to mind.
"Here's looking at you, kid."
"Love is never having to say you're sorry."
"I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse."
Appropriately, the ones that might haunt us the most, are those delivered by villains, who linger in our memories not only by their creepy attire and presence but by their devious choice of words.
Frightening us long after the credits stop rolling.
Redditor N_the_character was eager to hear what the Reddit community considered the best quotes from both Hollywood's legendary villains, as well as some lesser-known antagonists from film, TV, and video games, leading them to ask:
"What's the most bada** villain quote?"
Benedict from Last Action Hero
"Benedict to youg Danny in 'Last Action Hero':"
"I should tell you that I have killed people smarter and younger than you."- S-Marktlast action hero art GIF by xponentialdesignGiphy
"Pirates are evil?"
"The Marines are righteous?"
"These terms have always changed throughout the course of history!"
"Kids who have never seen peace and kids who have never seen war have different values!"
"Those who stand at the top determine what's wrong and what's right!"
"This very place is neutral ground!"
"Justice will prevail, you say?"
"But of course it will!"
"Whoever wins this war becomes justice!"- TimeisaLie
The Man with the Midas Touch...
"Goldfinger after Bond says 'Do you expect me to talk?'
"'No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die'."- Hunk_StudlyInterrupting GIF by James Bond 007Giphy
The Last Airbender's Azula
"Dai Li: 'You've beaten me at my own game'."
"Azula: 'Don't flatter yourself. You were never even a player'."- herculesmeowlligan
Inigo Montoya, watch out!
"'Good Heavens, are you still trying to win?'"
"-the six fingered man."
Video game villains shouldn't be forgotten, ask Ghaul
“'You are not brave, you’ve merely forgotten the fear of death'."
"'Allow me to reacquaint you'.”- KentuckyBourbon94
The Good, the Bad, and the one-liners
"'When you have to shoot, shoot'."
"Tuco, 'The Good, The Bad and The Ugly'."- jpablo680
Whiterose of Mr. Robot
“'Because Phillip, I had to ask you twice'.”- Lontano64
The final frontier indeed...
"'A true victory is to make your enemy see they were wrong to oppose you in the first place'."
"'To force them to acknowledge your greatness'."
"Gul Dukat, Deep Space Nine."- hamdingersDeep Space Nine Dislike GIF by Star TrekGiphy
A true villain will have you quaking in your boots with just one look.
But it's with their words that they really get you.
And how they instantly go from being merely villains, to legends.
Why can't people ask before they send graphic images?
And for the people who just send them willy-nilly...
Keep it decent, kids.
Redditor OhmMeGag wanted to hear about everyone's reactions to these types of photos. They asked:
"What's the best response to an unwanted d**k pic?"
Why are y'all STILL sending d**k pics in 2022? Like... decent.
Back at You...
"I read, I believe it was here on Reddit. This girl got an unsolicited d**k pic. So for her revenge, she sent penis pics back constantly. Big, small, anything she could find. This guy was telling her to stop, lol. She asked if he liked it."
“'Why does it look like that?' And answer none of their following texts."
"If you feel the need to respond, 'I'll ask my aunt, she's a nurse.'"
Are you Ok?
"When I was a teenager I had just gotten my first boyfriend, and back then nobody sent photos over text because camera phones weren't a common thing yet. Also texting cost a few cents per text. God, I feel old typing that out.
"I had never seen one before, so I panicked and said, 'Oh my god are you okay??' and he just like... got really sad because he thought I thought there was something wrong with the way it looked."
Send it Back
"What I used to do was take their profile picture and photoshop their face onto the head of their d**k and send it back. I never got a second d**k pic doing that lol."
"What she should do instead is make a public directory of unsolicited d**k pic offenders. Get the victim to edit their head on top, and then post it there with their number. Girls can then search their number to see if they've been a repeat offender in the past. Call the website the D**k Head."
SorryText Lol GIF by VTM.beGiphy
"'Oh hey, my ex had that disease too'"
I am loving the revenge response.
YuckAngry Oh No GIF by CBCGiphy
"Google 'genital warts' and send them back any of those images that come up."
"When I was a freshman in college I was home for Christmas break and the guy across the street, who was 4 years older than me and had recently moved back home, sent me one with the message that his family would be out of the house for a few hours if I wanted to come over."
"I knew him, we had lived on the same street for years, but it was completely out of the blue. I'm not even sure how he got my number. I had babysat his younger brother a few times however, which is why I had his mother's number. I took a screen shot of the message & pic and forwarded it to his mom, asking if she could please get Eric to stop sending me nudes."
"Why are you sending me a picture of your thumb?"
"So an old friend took a picture of his nuts**k and sent it to my husband as a joke. My husband genuinely responded 'Why did you send me a close up picture of your couch?' They had an old gray leather couch that had wrinkled over time."
"I know this sounds crazy, but I am a doctor and this might be cancer."
"Because I know they know I’m not a doctor- I say 'that spot looked weird so I sent it to my dad (he’s a doctor) and he said you should definitely go get check out' then don’t respond to any other messages."
"Note- my dad is in fact, not a doctor, and of course don’t forward my father d**k picks. But I very much enjoy the panic from an a** that 1) I sent his penis pic to my dad and 2) that there’s something wrong with his junk."
"Share a penis enlargement ad."
Stop sending these types of pics unsolicited. It's gross. The end.
People say the darndest and nastiest things pretty often.
I feel like I would prefer someone who doesn't realize it because the alternative is evil.
Saying inappropriate things on purpose involves malicious intent.
No matter... wrong is wrong.
Watch your mouth.
Redditor Ok_Context_7495 wanted to know what sort of nonsense has fallen out of other people's mouths, that left us shook. They asked:
"What’s the most messed up/inappropriate thing that someone’s casually said to you?"
I have been left, fainted on the floor with some of the things I've head people say. It can be funny, but still cruel.
OuchShannyn Sossamon Cringe GIFGiphy
"Your brother is only nice to you because he's not threatened by you or your partner. If you were successful and she were pretty, he wouldn't be nice to either of you. - Mom"
"My mom died of cancer when I was 2. When I was roughly 6, my older siblings told me that my mom and I were playing in the front yard and I kicked a ball into the road and when she went to get it she got hit by a garbage truck and that’s how she died. I didn’t find out the truth til a few years later. Odd that I have 0 relationship with my family now."
"I had a miscarriage where the baby was 'absorbed' and all that was left in the uterus was the gestational sac. I got pregnant again and when I told my neighbor she said, 'So are you actually pregnant this time?' Yes, a**hole. I am pregnant this time and I was actually pregnant last time. Unfortunately I just said yes and went in the house."
"It hurt a lot when my mom would get drunk and cry to me that she wishes I had passed away instead of my father. It hurt a lot more when she said it offhandedly and sober though. I'm okay now, but I was only seven. I didn't deserve that crap."
"You didn't deserve it. I'm sorry you had to live through this. Parents are supported to protect you, but they can also hurt you the most. Wish you all the best!"
Lucky YouHow-To Beauty GIF by SephoraGiphy
“'People don’t take me seriously because I’m pretty. You’re so lucky not to have that problem.'"
Some people need a punch in the face.
Deep HateWizard Of Oz Comedy GIFGiphy
"My ex-wife, 'Everyone hates you, they can't stand being around you.' Never could figure out why she said that. 30 years later, I'm still friends with the people that supposedly hated me."
"You look like a fat leek"
"My nan's sister, at our first meeting, said to 14 year old me: 'You look like a fat leek' (but in Dutch). I was flabbergasted. Fun fact. When she died a couple of years ago, during the funeral, her daughter gave a speech and told a LOT of secrets about how her mum was a total b**ch and narcissist , abused her and made her life a living hell. The whole church was in shock and they sort of canceled the funeral due to all the consternation."
See the Art
“'I can’t wait for you to be blind, your art gets better and better.'”
"I am SEVERELY visually impaired, losing my vision to a degenerative disease. I am an artist. I paint and create work with themes sometimes relevant to my vision loss. Someone I knew said this to me, in front of a group of people at dinner 2 years ago. I was 32 at the time."
I think I was 11?
"I had a dentist say that I 'needed to work on that for when I had a boyfriend' when I was gagging during whatever the hell he was doing. I think I was 11? I did not understand it at all until I was much older and saw like the second episode of Glee where a gag reflex comment is made, I asked my mum about it and she explained and I was like 'ohhh... Ohhh is that why (dentist) said this?' She was not thrilled that I'd waited so long to tell her."
"Middle of a grocery store. I’m 18 or 19. A man 50+ years old walks up to me, puts his arm around my shoulders, stares down at my breasts, and says, 'Damn, girl, can you see your feet?'"
Some people really need an electric shock collar as a sensor.