We all enjoyed (or struggled with) the company of family, chosen or otherwise, on Thursday November 22nd. And oh, does it bring back fun memories of the times nothing seemed to have gone right...
Here were some of those stories.
The woman my cousin had just married stole a Costco sized box of individually wrapped Cheezit packages from our garage. I just happened to notice they were gone when putting food in the fridge. Asked about it publicly and she locked up, started stuttering, and went to get them out of her car. She returned with the excuse "I thought these were mine. I have a box just like them at home"
Bang Bang Into The Room
My uncle shot the tv because of how the Lions were playing. This was back in 77 or 78 if I recall correctly.
Checking game histories it would definitely have been '77. It was a 17 inch black and white tv, with two knobs- one for VHF channels and one for UHF. He and my dad had started drinking early and the Lions were awful. After a bad play late in the game he strolled into the bedroom, picked up his revolver and shot the tv. We ate dinner shortly after and then went to my grandmas house to watch the Cowboys game.
Ring Around The Rosey
My husband's brother and his sister-in-law (who was married to his OTHER brother) always disappeared for about 20-40 minutes at the same time.
This happened for four years in a row before anyone got nosey enough to go looking for them.
Sister-in-law is now married to the Thanksgiving Hookup Brother.
My Aunt Janie took a bunch of Xanax (and who knows what else) on top of a jug of Carlo Rossi that she had hidden in her room. She then proceeded to steal every spoon in the house while the rest of us were drinking and playing games. EVERY. SINGLE. SPOON. We found them in her purse.
Why just the spoons?
The Lengths We Go To
Faked a heart attack.
It was very surreal. And her husband was so embarrassed.
Here's what happened. Grandmother didn't like my dad very much, and she picked a fight with him so he decided that he was going home.
When grandmother M realized that my stepmom (her daughter) was going to take dad's side and go home too, she yelled a lot and then, as a last ditch effort, dramatically clutched her chest and collapsed very carefully (it was outside and I guess she didn't want to bump her head or muss her clothes).
Dad offered to call 911, grandfather said it wasn't necessary, and when grandmother realized no one was taking her seriously she opened her eyes, allowed grandfather to help her up, and went inside with him while fake sobbing.
Normally she was quite nice, but she had her moments and really wasn't happy that her daughter had grown up and had a life. Holidays usually brought out the worst in her. Which was weird because she loved cooking and celebrating.
My father's girlfriend sat at the head of the table at my house and acted like she was the hostess while monopolizing the entire conversation. I was her waitstaff. It was my first time meeting her. Five years later they are still together but I haven't seen her in 4 years, 11 months, and 29 days.
It wasn't just the Head of Table Scandal Of 2013 that sunk her for me. She said I should eat very little to watch my figure (it's my Thanksgiving meal?), she said I should dye my hair (I like my natural color), she was disappointed in my husband's wardrobe choice for the evening (he looked fine), and the grand finale was that she told my father I was a "bitch" after the night was over after everything I did to make her comfortable.
I should also mention she's ten years older than him...85 at the time, wears a full face of makeup, dyes her hair dark every week, and is very superficial. Not who I plan to be when I'm in my 80s. I think she's jealous of my relationship with him and is constantly wanting to assert herself as his number one. I'm perfectly fine with that and it's awesome she keeps busy. I see my father all the time and I am perfectly happy with the arrangement. My kids had extra doses of time with her so they are thrilled they don't see her anymore. They loved my mother so much. They were perfectly open to a relationship with her but she's so vain and ridiculous that it wasn't possible.
Bones And All
Last year, my husband's grandma hosted Thanksgiving dinner at her house and asked us to provide the turkey. (Not even the trashiest part)
We had to go to spend Thanksgiving with my husband's dad's side that morning so we dropped the turkey off on our way to his dad's house. His grandma said that they would be eating at 4.
We arrived back at his grandmas house around 3:45 and everyone had already eaten all the food. Including the entire turkey.
A Fight For Dessert
My uncle and grandfather dont have a good relationship, but were tolerating each other because Thanksgiving. My uncle was cooking lasagna and my grandfather decided to help, so he grated the cheese. He did this in another room, because the kitchen was full of other people cooking, we have a big Thanksgiving maybe 15-20 who love to eat. I had brought in the cheese and everything was going fine.
Flashforward to dinner time, the food is coming out and as tradition dictates we always start with lasagna. My grandfather made some joke like," I know you hate me, but at least I'm grate", and sh!t hit the fan. My uncle literally went into a rage, and was yelling at everyone because we didn't tell him he was using "tainted" cheese. Then said "f#@# it" and proceeded to flip the table ALL the food was on.
Then my grandfather called him outside to settle the score, which resulted in two grown men fist fighting in the backyard, culminating with my grandad getting thrown into the pond we lived off of, and slicing his leg on a jagged rock that he landed on. The rest of us ordered Chinese food, and kicked my uncle out, and my grandfather refused the hospital because he had a little too much "holiday joy" in him at the time.
Surprisingly my uncle hasn't come to holidays in years now...
Major Historical CrimesGiphy
My uncle, who was hiding in Haiti for years during the Baby Doc days, snuck into the country somehow and showed up for Thanksgiving. Not 45 minutes later a bunch of federal agents busted in and took him away. I was maybe 11 or 12, no one ever explained the whole story to me.
But I talked to Mom as I drove her to my sister's house. They prosecuted him under the Rico Act for moving money in and out of Haiti for Baby Doc. According to my mom (didn't see him much, and this happened when I was young) he was ridiculously intelligent, but was crooked from day one. He moved millions of dollars around while the people were struggling to eat. He was absolutely one of those people that worked harder at avoiding work than actually doing anything of any use to society.
They searched the house too, and took all my dad's guns (he was an avid deer and pheasant hunter) and he didn't get them back for over a year. I do remember him getting a new deer rifle about that time, but like I said, I was young and had the attention span of a gnat.
We were hosting a young lady my wife worked with, as well as her boyfriend. Halfway through dinner and somehow the discussion got to how her and her brother "once got super trashed on Robitussin, and next thing you know we ... Uh ... Yeah that was really a weird time."
Everyone just got really quiet as we were trying to decide how to fill that one in and where to go with it. For some reason they got really quiet after that.