The Home Video Is An Evil Tool

When I was really little I was running around in a family friend's yard. I was still potty training and had the "pull down your pants" part of going to the bathroom down pat, but hadn't quite mastered the "find a toilet" part. So I just drop my pants and poop on the grass. The best part is they were taking a video at the time, so now they have a home movie of me taking a crap in their yard. It's been 25 years and everyone still makes fun of me for it.

HoboTheDinosaur

I'm Makin' Waffles

When I was about 4 my parents were taking about Bill Gates, or someone else super rich, and I said very insightfully, "I bet he can eat at Waffle House any time he wants to."

I think it stemmed from me constantly begging to go to Waffle House and my mom always saying, "We don't have the money to eat at Waffle House everyday!"

I just assumed money was THE ONLY reason I couldn't eat there everyday.

EsthieBestie986

Medical School For 7 Year Olds

When I was 7 my neighbor had a heart attack. I felt like I could have helped prevent it because I had saw a commercial advertising bayer aspirin and how it kept your heart healthy or something. I thought the doctors didn't know about this miracle drug. From that day on, I wrote down every medicine commercial with a brief description of what the medicine did. One day at dinner my brother was complaining his hands were dry and itchy. I ran to get my notepad and told him he should try vagisil.

digimonRthechampionz

Determination

When going on long car journeys we would often have to use hillside routes and the like (rural Ireland), when going over a steep hill at speed it always gave a funny feeling in my stomach. As a child I proceeded to shout with utmost determination "Dad my willy is scared!".

They tell everyone this story....

RareTarget

Well Howdy Doo To You Too

When I was 4, I guess I was having a real bad morning. I came out of my parents room after I had woken up and went out to the living room where I sat down in my personal toddler-sized chair and stared straight ahead at the TV, not saying a word to my then stay-at-home dad who was already up watching TV after my mom had gone to work. He changed the channel to Spongebob just for me. he then proceeded to tell me good morning, to which I replied "f*ck off."

To this day he still has no idea how I heard that, though he assumes he heard my mom say it to him during an argument they were having. He tells that story to anyone he gets the chance to tell.

SerendipityMee

Accidentally Sold Out Our Friend

So, my parents had a nanny suite in our old house. They decided to let a family friend who was retired live in there and be our nanny rent free. They also paid her a few hundred dollars every two weeks. She was a pensioner.

So, I was about 4 and she used to bring me out on her adventures. What my parents didn't know was that she was a secret lush. She used to bring me to a bar midday. The barfly's found me entertaining. They would buy me ice cream if I sang "How much is that dog in the window?" As a 4 year old I found this perfectly acceptable I got to sing and free ice cream. My parents never knew because nothing bad ever happened to me.

After we sold the house and I was about 8 we walked by the bar and I go that's where I used to sing for ice cream. My parents asked what I meant and i told them. They were horrified at first and asked me if anything bad ever happened and i said no.

I'm 35 and still haven't lived it down.

Wackydetective

You Sit On A Throne Of Lies

When I was three, in the midst of the 80s kidnapping scare and the Christmas shopping season, I decided I was going to go see Santa. While my dad was in line to buy my mom's Christmas present, I went to see Santa without him.

My parents, of course, freaked out, but they found me happily watching Santa because I knew I wasn't lost. I was going to see Santa, duh.

When they talked about it when I was older, the thing that stood out the most to them was my sense of direction was really good for a three-year-old.

shineevee

There They Are A-Standing In A Row

My grandparents were flying back in from overseas but their flight got delayed. I was about 6 at the time and a massive The Lion King fan. I decided to provide some entertainment for my family so I got up on these half walls that were in the centre of the airport and just started singing at the top of my lungs "I'VE GOT A LOVELY BUNCH OF COCONUTS" with some pretty elaborate dance moves - including golden spirit fingers. My parents couldn't stop laughing, and neither could everyone else in the airport. Haven't lived it down.

scottyfitzg

Valiant Effort

My younger sister- we were watching some discovery channel documentary on marine life. Anyway, at one point, she turns to my mom and said "did you see that?" Mom's like, "no.. what?" Sister says "on TV... the animal there" Mom asks which animal. My little sister says "you know... (and then whispers) the octa-c**chie"

My sister was afraid to say octopus because she knew "pus" was a bad word.

We still talk about it to this day. To the point that I have since moved across the country and my husband and my friends all refer to an octopus as a "you know... an octa-c**chie"

wow_pretty_colors

No Moose For You

So I don't know if anyone has ever been to the Bugaboo Creek but essentially it's a restaurant with a bunch of talking animals on the walls. As a kid I went there on my birthday cause I loved animals and shit.

But what they don't advertise is that for birthdays they bring out this big moose puppet on one of the waiters arms and want you to kiss the moose.

7 year old me did NOT want anything to do with this puppet and I instantly shut down into tears yelling "I don't wanna kiss the moose"

Nearly 20 years later I am still haunted by the memory as my family constantly reminds me of my most infamous whine.

I don't wanna kiss the moose.

OMIKEANEO

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays

I was running a rolled up napkin back and forth through a candle flame. The napkin caught fire, so I threw it into a plastic Solo cup which, of course, proceeded to catch fire as well. My aunt grabbed the cup and tossed it into the sink.

The charred remains of the cup with a burned napkin inside were put on an ornament hanger and is hung on our family Christmas tree every year. The shame that keeps on giving.

carolinav13

Cañada

A lot of klutzy stuff.

Walked into door frames. Got a tooth knocked out by a wiffle ball bat. Took a different wiffle ball directly to the nose. Slid to home plate in a backyard game of kickball, ate the edge of the table. Broke my arm with a parked car. Tried to reach under a table to grab a fork, slipped underneath, then stood up under it. Got stuck 6ft off the ground the first time I climbed a tree. Broke a toe playing soccer barefoot.

A silly thing I asked. Mum explained the technical science reason for how someone gets pregnant when I was nearly 3. She explained women have eggs, that turn into babies. My first question was, "where's your nest?" Followed up by "you said you have eggs. So where is your nest??"

One of my brother tricked me into believing that Canada was pronounced Kuh-nay-dee-uh. I believed it until I was 14.

Savvy_Jo3

-Jaws Theme-

I watched Jaws a lot. I was 4 or 5 and my dad was called in for a shift at the police department he worked at as a part time job. It was early evening and my mom said, "What do you want to do tonight, Fightinscot?". My reply, "Wanna get drunk and fool around?".

Runner up, I was two and a half and my mom was potty training me one afternoon. I guess she kept telling me to go potty and we would go to grandma and grandpa's house afterwards. After a few minutes of being told to use the bathroom, I looked her in the eyes and said, "Piss off, bitch.". My mom swears I heard my dad say it, dad swears I heard it from my mom.

fightinscot

Never Forget What Never Was

I had a nightmare as a kid that my family burnt in a fire, and I cried enough tears to finally put the fire out, and then had to mop the tears up because it flooded the house. This was 100% not real btw. My mum dropped me off for school and I was still shaken up by the nightmare so I started crying. The teacher asked what was wrong and I said my family burnt to death. Immediately all the teachers were concerned, asking me was I okay. As the day went on, I forgot about my nightmare and was a happy kid again. The teachers were like wtf. Why is this child so happy? When my mum came to pick me up from school they asked her was she okay, and then my mum explained the whole situation. This happened when I was like 6/7.

I'm 20 now and people still talk about the time they died in a fire.

nerdthewordular

I Gave You What You Asked For

I was probably 10-12 at the time, but I used to go to local hockey games with my aunt.

One night, I was sent to the food stand to get hot dogs. She wanted "just a little bit of mustard", so I put exactly one dot of mustard on her hot dog. She thought it was absolutely hilarious.

It's been 30 years and I am reminded of it every time I visit family.

Tyranthin

Ah To Be An Actor At Three

I was probably about 3, very dramatic, and The Little Rascals had become one of my favorite movies. At the grocery store with my mom and she wouldn't let me have something I asked for, so in my best Darla voice I loudly asked "ARE YOU ASHAMED OF ME??" and watched my mom turn bright red as everyone in the aisle turned around.

Also when I was about 6, I had seen a commercial for a movie (can't remember what it was) where the MIL(?) was crazy obsessed with cats and meeting her SIL(?) for the first time. So when my uncle introduced me to his now wife, I repeated after the lady on tv and said "You can call me pussy now." Everyone laughed, I laughed, but the joke was lost on me until years later.

I guess I watched too much tv as a kid lol

tiredpandabear