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You know when you tell an amazing joke/pun/dad joke and no one laughs? Yeah it sucks, because you know how funny it was, and you definitely hold not laughing against anyone who didn't. Anyway, here are some of Reddit's favorite failed jokes. They're great, so why didn't people laugh?

sixesand7s asked, What is the best joke you've made that flew over everyone and you want some Goddamn recognition for?

Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.



Luther... Lutheran... get it?

There's an educational computer game series from the 1990's called Freddi Fish, and my son had a plush toy of Freddi and his little fish pal Luther. He particularly loved Luther and carried the toy everywhere he went.

One Sunday morning the wife drove us to church, and she wanted him to leave his beloved toy in the car instead of taking it inside. Without missing a beat, I said, "Yeah, it's not a Lutheran church."

Nobody got the joke. And I'll never get the chance to tell that joke again. But I still remember it.

Bob-the-Human

This textbook dad joke.

I was about 9 and it was Christmas time. There was a barbie shaped box under the tree and I was sure it was the one I asked for. I was dying from excitement and kept begging to open it. When that failed, I begged for hints. For two weeks the only hint he would give me was "you know". Christmas eve he caved and let me open it. It was "Uno" cards. I did get the Barbie on Christmas morning.

katgib13

Funny? Or sad?

Spent my lunch break doing a crossword, occasionally asking some clues out loud for people to help with - just to get them warmed up.

Then, the ground having been prepared, I entered the final phase:

"3 across- Overworked Postman."

Someone took the bait: "How many letters?"

And with a perfect deadpan delivery, I pounced on my prey: "Thousands."

Nothing.

NOTHING!!!

ConsistentlyPeter

Lame, realtor, lame.

Was viewing a house recently to buy it. Its a fixer upper. We were talking to the realtor who had yet to realize our disgust. In the driveway was a toilet with a box around it. I couldn't resist. I said: "I saw in the listing that the house was 2 1/2 baths. IS THAT THE HALF BATH?" He calmly explained that the 1/2 bath was inside. Life is pain.

Nooblarisbetter

His answer was better.

Senior year religion class at a Catholic High School. Our Deacon teacher asks us "Whats the two words you're not supposed to say to a Jehovah's Witness?" The class was a wasteland of boredom. I, figuring what the hell, raised my hand and responded "Come In." Dead. Silence. Might as well as have had a tumbleweed rolling by.

For the record the answer was "Happy Birthday."

casualreader22

Next time, listen.

My friends were walking ahead of me when I noticed that they were literally going down a street called, no joke, Wong Way. I was shouting at them that they were going the Wong Way and they just shouted back "no the car is this way" and continued walking. It wasn't nearly as funny when I sprinted after them and explained it in detail while laughing to myself. F*ck them, that was hilarious.

Youscurvydawg

This is quite good.

Just happened the other day. My coworker said to his wife (who also works with us) that he needed to make his car payment today. So I chimed in, "oh, so it's car pay diem" without missing a beat. They didn't even react.

Le_Master

OOOP.

I was in a graduate class for teaching math. Somebody asked if we knew the way they multiply in China. I said "Same way we do, but only once."

tea_wrecks13

Amazing.

I just started working at a car dealership. And in a department wide training session the teacher goes on a bit about how were spreading good news and says something like have you heard about our lord and savior, Harr (Harr is our dealership name) without missing a beat I slid in. "He died for your rims" only the chick next to me heard and she started f*cking dying of laughter. Everyone else looked at us like were weirdos.

strife1019

To be fair, Hawking would have appreciated this.

People were talking about Stephen Hawking passing away and someone mentioned he was British. Two teenage girls said they didn't realize he was from England.

I said "yea it's hard to tell since he lost his accent."

No one laughed.

Meffrey_Dewlocks

Lifehacks, if applied properly, can really change the course of a single household chore.

Chores can really be such a pain to take care of, and nobody wants to do it. But with a little life hack under your belt, you might be able to turn chore time into something a little fun.

u/rat-avec-london asked:

What is a lifehack that seems fake, but is a true lifesaver?

Here were some of those answers.


My Finger, The Glass

If your ring gets stuck on your finger windex will slide it right off. Worked at a jewelry store for five plus years.

coykoi314

You can also use any oil (cooking, automotive... anything).

You can also reduce the size of your hand (and finger) by holding it up in the air. Chilling your hand in cold water THEN holding it up in the air for a couple minutes whilst rubbing oil &/or dishwashing fluids in there... trifecta of ring removal.

Should work on anyone that just stole Sauron's prize - though biting it off also works, i suppose.

SageSilinous

Multiple Uses

Use shaving cream as anti-fog. I used it on the inside of my motorcycle visor. Smear it on, let it dry, then rinse off and dry. It also works for bathroom mirrors. You can use it on a small spot so you can still see when you get out of the shower.

Caspers_Shadow

Shaving cream also removes the smell of urine. If you ever have to take care of someone who is old and/or sick and who wets the bed, a little shaving cream on a rag wiped over their buttocks after they are thoroughly cleaned up helps them really smell clean again.

It's a bit of a sad tip, I know, but you never know when you might end up caring for someone who needs help with things like this. Nobody wants to smell. A dab of shaving cream to restore a bit of dignity? Priceless.

Gen-Jinjur

Pretty Important For Stage Actors

Every male should know this. If you want to get rid of an awkward boner flex any muscle in your body maybe an arm. For a minute. The blood will rush to that muscle and away from your penis. Crisis averted.

GingerOverseer

These life hacks really don't seem real at all, but if you can swear by them, they can save your life.

Obligatory Poop Hack

I saw a comment on one of these kinda threads that recommended gently rocking back and forth while pooping. I've never had any problems in the bathroom, but I happened to be sitting on the toilet when I read the comment so I decided to give it a test drive. I was pleasantly surprised at how quick and effortless the whole experience was and I haven't gone back to my old stationary technique since. As a bonus, #1 and #2 now require the same amount of time in the bathroom!

ASS_LORD_666

It's The Alcohol

If you have funky armpits and need to fix them fast, use hand sanitiser. I figured this out years ago when I remembered that the smell comes from bacteria reactions - which antibacterial hand gel kills stone dead. Instant results and the medical smell lasts only a minute. Don't do this routinely though as it's delicate skin.

ihadanideaonce

But Hopefully It's Just A Playing Puppy

True lifesaver: if you are ever attacked by a dog, push your forearm INTO the bite. This pries the jaws apart and prevents them from clamping down. If a dog is attacking you, the best thing you can do is offer your forearm, push as far back as possible, and then grab the dog by the scruff of its neck with your other hand to hold it. The dog is now functionally muzzled and you have control of its head. The sooner and harder you push into the bite, the less damage the bite will do.

IAlbatross

Get It Off Anything

That rubbing alcohol removes chewing gum.

I'd go through a 20 layer deep marketing funnel to get to that tip because it really does work.

Also wow! Thank you for all of the awards nice Redditors. I completely forgot I left this comment and came back and my notifications had blown up.

omgIamafraidofreddit

And previously impossible situations will give way at long last.

Sayonara Capsaicin

Rubbing vegetable oil (or any cooking oil) on your hands after you cut up jalapeños or other hot peppers. It gets rid of the awfulness that would normally be left on your hands from the peppers. I rub my hands with oil and then wash it off with dish soap. I can totally remove my contacts after doing this. It's crazy how well this works.

PaulRuddsButthole

Crying Crying

Put your onion in the freezer for 10 minutes before chopping it. It freezes the juices just enough to slow down the process of it turning in to a gas, giving you a few minutes to chop the onion without tears. I learnt this tip from a kid's science show years ago and I haven't had to deal with onion tears since. So many people don't believe me, and then are genuinely surprised when it works.

Lost_in_the_Library

Just A Quick Little Base

The cheapest, most effective, and safest insecticide against roaches (especially those huge "water bug" roaches that we have in the South) is a spray bottle of mostly water with just a little liquid dish soap in it.

Shake the bottle & get the water a little foamy, then spray the roaches. They will run, scrabble, and attempt escape, of course, but they will die. The soap film suffocates them faster than any chemicals will.

A friend told me about this, & I thought she was nuts, but I tried it & it works amazingly well. Plus it's very easy to clean up and safe around food (not that you want to spray soapy water ON your food).

SnooPickles3213

Incorporating any of these lifehacks into your home may make a big difference. You'll never want to turn back.

Or you will, whatever. But they're worth a try!

Image by Olya Adamovich from Pixabay

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