Cooking a really great meal doesn't have to be complicated. Sure, binge-watching Chopped has us all convinced we need vaccuum sealers, ice cream machines and an anti-griddle, but some of the best recipes in the world are actually just a few really good ingredients put together simply. Like guacamole! Yeah, you can get fancy on it but a classic recipe really only calls for avocado, tomato, onion, salt and lime juice. It's so simple that it's almost impossible to screw it up.
Almost.
One of the biggest downfalls of simple foods is how easy it can be to screw it up. Imagine picking up sugar instead of salt for that guac recipe. Now you've got an onion and avocado dessert paste that nobody wants. My mom has salted her coffee and sugared her eggs more times than I can count. And as a Puerto Rican, I can assure you messing up the rice might as well be the end of any meal. It won't matter how good anything else is.
One reddit user asked:
What is an easy way to f*ck up a simple meal?
Screwing up the rice was one of the first answers - so I feel pretty culinarily vindicated right now. Here's that answer, along with quite a few other kitchen horror stories. Long story short: check your labels, check your heat, read the directions and try to stay at least KIND OF sober. Cooking usually involves knives and fires, after all.
Read The Directions!
I don't know HOW she manages to do this, but my coworker has failed
at least 10 times to make that craft microwave macaroni and cheese stuff.
There is like three steps. Add water, Microwave, Add cheese.
She keeps adding the cheese before microwaving it and burning the crap out of the cheese. I don't know how she hasn't learned yet.
- Lelentos
The Worst
Undercook the rice. The only real way to salvage undercooked rice is to turn it into something else like fried rice.
- BradC
Drink Responsibly
Giphy
Drinking too much and forgetting the burgers on the grill for 4 hours.
- swagasus
Not Even Close To Oregano
In home ed we were once tasked with making tomato sauce. I told this dude I was teamed up with to put oregano in it and then turned my back to do the dishes. Came back to taste test and it was the worst thing I've ever tasted.
He apparently didn't know what oregano was and had put in almond extract.
Say It Louder
Overcooking meat. I'm going to say it louder for my parents OVERCOOKING MEAT! It took me until I was an adult to realize that you shouldn't need a glass of water to eat a bite of chicken to help get it down. Like, chicken can be moist and flavorful, holy crap!
Wax Paper And Heat Don't Mix
Use wax paper instead of parchment paper. They look similar, but wax paper is for cold and parchment paper is for heat. Remember, wax melts when it heats up. I've had a very hectic and crazy week this week. I went home last night and cooked some oven roasted potatoes... on wax paper.... I went to go have a shower and I came out to the kitchen filled with smoke. It wasn't pleasant.
Cheesy Noodle Cereal
My best man once in college made a simple Mac & Cheese meal from the blue box and added WAAAAAAYYYYYY too much milk to it. He was basically eating cheesy noodle cereal right in front of me while I'm asking "Woah, isn't that a lot of milk?" He'd insist that was just the way he makes it.
I asked him about it years later and he admitted he knew he totally messed it up, but just wanted to save face.
Liquid Smoke
I was cooking chicken, simple pan fried chicken. I decided that a little smokey flavor would make it pop so I reached for something in our cupboard my wife likes called 'liquid smoke'. Now its shaped alot like a soy sauce bottle so in my haste I assumed you unscrew the cap and there would be a nipple inside you would use to squirt a few drops in.
There was no nipple, I dumped half a bottle of liquid smoke into the chicken. It was chicken jerky.
Mind Your Milks
Giphy
When making a clam chowder, do not use sweetened, condensed milk. It is disgustingly sweet. Bad mistake.
I tried making mac and cheese. I really tried.
I am Danish, so I just halfassed and google translated an American recipe, that said evaporated milk, but it translated as condensed.
I invited all my friends for blunts and mac. We were horrified.
I was dating a vegan girl and tried my hand at making a vegan version of chicken pot pie and added soy milk. I accidentally used the vanilla soy milk. It was a weird, sweet, gross mess.
- Lulu_42
Mom's Steak
Growing up on a farm where we raised cattle we ate a lot of steak. I was never a huge fan. I didn't see what the appeal was until just a few years ago when I made steak for myself.
My mom just over cooked the sh!t out of the steak. I like my meat rare to medium rare and her steaks were always under seasoned and over cooked.
I used to not be able to eat steak without A1 sauce or something similar. Now when I make a steak I don't use any sauces, just the seasoning on the steak itself.
A few months ago me and my wife went back to our home town and stayed with my parents. They had just butchered a steer so they had plenty of meat and wanted to treat us to a nice meal. I offered to cook the steaks under the guise that I was being nice and helping my mom not work as hard.
I asked everyone how they wanted their steaks done and grilled them all up to everyone's liking, timing when to put them on so they would all come off the grill at the same time but be done to different internal temperatures.
It was a damn good steak. My little brother who still lives at home said something like, "Wow I didn't know steak could taste so good." and it really hurt my mom's feelings, but god damn stop over cooking meat.
Dropping it on the floor.
I used to work in a meat department and from time to time things would get dropped on the floor. I was one of the only people who was willing to take that stuff home.
At one point an entire pan of 12 oz ribeye steaks fell on the ground. I quickly picked them all up and the ones that were directly on the floor I rinsed off, then I packaged them all up and my boss sold them to me for $.25 per pound. I paid less than $10 for over $200 worth of steak.
I put them in my freezer and was just sure to sear the floor steaks a bit more than usual and I ate so much steak for a few months I got tired of it. It was cool though because I could experiment with different methods of making steak without wasting a good cut of meat.
Whooooops accidently dropped the filet mignons on the floor again. Don't worry fellas, I can care of it.
Not So Easy
Easy mac, Forget to add water.
Ive done it three times and its probably one of the WORST cooking f--- ups you can do
Are you the reason we had to deal with monthly midnight fire alarms back in the dorm?
Chillax
So i doubt anyone will see this, but making chili "hot" instead of spicy. See some people equate mouth burning heat with good flavor and thats a god damn lie. Yeah there are good hot chilis out there, but they have complexity to them by using different chilis or unique spices. But there are a LARGE group of people out there that think that chili powder, salt, red pepper, and TOO MUCH tabasco sauce. It's gross, please stop doing that.
Heat does not equal flavor. Spicy is one thing, but you really can make great chili with out it being so spicy it just burns your
Gone To Pot
My ex wife managed to end up with actual flaming food while trying to cook for herself. Twice.
First was the reheating of chicken nuggets. No, four nuggets from the fridge do not take the same amount of microwave time as the whole package from the freezer.
Also, when the Kraft Dinner box says "drain the noodles, return them to the pot", do not put said pot back on the burner and get distracted by the end of the commercial break. I really liked that pot.
True Grit
Oh god do I have a story here. I used to work at a group home, and part of the job was cooking a big family meal every night for all of the residents. One day we had a super nice temporary staff worker on, and since she was a former line cook, she volunteered to handle the meal. Now nobody was going to object the a professionally done dinner, so we all focused on other work and let her do her thing.
An hour later we sit down to eat, and frankly it looked amazing. Perfectly seared pork chops, roast green beans, and corn cooked with brown sugar. We all piled our plates eagerly and sat down to eat. I was the first one to eat a fork full of the corn, and while the taste was good, something was really off about the texture. It was super gritty, almost to the point where I could feel it grinding and crunching between my teeth. I took a second bite, trying to be polite, but the dry crunchy texture just kept getting worse. As I'm dealing with that, one of the residents who was a bit less subtle took their first taste, and they let their surprise and displeasure be known pretty much immediately.
Now that it was clear that something was seriously up, the race was on to figure out what happened. Turns out that one of the residents left their container of kinetic sand sitting on the kitchen counter. For those of you who don't know, kinetic sand looks like and has a texture that you could totally mistake for brown sugar if you weren't paying attention. Having no reason to think anything other than food would be sitting on the kitchen counter, the poor temp worker took a big scoop and tossed it right in her corn.
Needless to say we all gave her crap for that one, but she took it well and we all spent most of the meal struggling to eat through the laughter. It was a good dinner otherwise though.
Have you ever eaten something that hit you so wrong that it kind of upset your soul? Something so foul and sacrilegious that even years later you get a little bit angry thinking about it?
Something that made your tastebuds cry out for you to avenge them?
Then this is the article for you.
Reddit user PhillyGirlLovesBagel asked:
"What's the worst food you've ever tried?"
Friends, your hunger deserved better.
The Worst Burger On Earth
Hungry Kate Hudson GIF by filmeditorGiphy"In the Dominican Republic, there is a mountain in Puerto Plata called Isabel de Torres. On that mountain there is a restaurant."
"That restaurant sells the worst goddamn burgers you will ever eat in your life."
"Would just like to say, don't be discouraged from visiting the Dominican Republic. The people, culture, scenery, and food there are all amazing!"
"Take it from me, I lived there for six years. 9/10, would recommend. Just seriously - AVOID THIS BURGER."
"They were so bad I almost puked after the first bite and our entire party left. The patty (if you could even call it that) was burnt to a crisp."
"The patty itself looked and tasted like a mix if rice, eggplant, and beef. It also had way too much 'sauce,' which was just a mix of the cheapest available ketchup and those like liquid cheeses that come in a bottle at fast food places."
"Other than that, the burger had tomato, arugula, and burnt cheddar cheese. I really, REALLY, cannot overstate how bad it was."
"The worst thing is that this wasn't a one off with the restaurant. We were a group of five and we all ordered a burger (there were like three things on the menu), and they all came out the same. We left."
- JoshPoshTheGreat
When Mom Was Out
disgusted go away GIFGiphy"There was a week where my mom was out so my dad had to cook for my brother and I. His first day he made chili."
"By chili I mean that he browned some beef, threw it in a pot with water and added one single packet of chili seasoning to the water and served it to us."
"We had frozen pizza the rest of the week."
-DrGingeyy
Moms Cooking
Schitts Creek No GIF by CBCGiphy"My ex mother-in-laws meatloaf."
"She literally just pressed ground beef into a square baking pan and threw it in the oven. Zero spices. Zero anything but hot ground beef."
"She also made 'baked spaghetti' which was her take on baked ziti. It was cooked spaghetti noodles with plain tomato sauce in a pan and baked."
"She was so terrified of the 'negative health effects' of salt that she grew to fear ALL spices. Her cabinets and fridge were filled with everything reduced sodium, fat free, sugar free, etc."
"Her cooking made me realize why I had to twist my ex's arm to try REAL meatloaf and baked ziti the way it's supposed to be made. She had no idea what she was doing in the kitchen."
- SugarHooves
That French Flan
Melissa Barrera Eating GIF by VidaGiphy"I was in France and stopped by a place in Paris."
"I had been travelling for several months and missed Mexican food. When the owner found out I was Mexican, she insisted I try the flan she just made as a first attempt."
"The food was pretty alright, not like home but it hit the spot. She brought out the flan and stood there expectantly waiting for my response."
"It was absolutely the worst flan I had ever had in my life."
"Like it just tasted BAD. Like eggs that were off? Flan is a custard and the temperature line between custard and sweetened scrambled eggs is a fine one."
"I couldn't hide my reaction and she became visibly upset. I ate a little more to be polite but just couldn't anymore."
"I told her I'm just very picky and suggested a few things as I had worked in a bakery that had made some in the past (aside from family recipes). I gave her my contact info and a few weeks later got an email thanking me."
"A group of Mexican musicians came through and told her while it wasn't traditional, it was very tasty and had a good texture."
"She said any time I was back to please stop by for a meal on the house. Unfortunately, the next time I was back the place had closed down."
- Malignantrumor99
Wiggling Away...
Cake Shaking GIF by Miss PettyGiphy"Jellied salad."
"Lots of my family still thinks aspics are a necessity for family dinners, so there'll usually be a variety of jellied salads. Tomato salad, shredded cabbage salad, usually some kind of weird olive and hard boiled egg combo for some reason."
"All sitting on their plates, perfectly rectangular, wiggling away..."
- LycheeEyeballs
"People in the 50s and 60s put EVERYTHING in gelatin. I’m pretty sure there’s a recipe out there for roast chicken jello."
- XxsquirrelxX
"Because way way back before gelatin came in a packet, it was really time consuming to extract it from bones. Aspic was seen as a kind of status symbol, as well as a creative and colourful thing to make for parties."
"And then when it did come in a packet in the 50s and 60s, there was a huge drive to try and market something which was essentially a biproduct of the meat industry as a food staple."
- Bribase
Spaghetti
Giphy"One of my ex girlfriend's grandmothers had the whole family over for dinner one night. She cooked spaghetti."
"My ex's mom pulled me aside and warned me that it would be terrible. Not just bad. Terrible."
"Boy, was she right."
"Her grandmother boiled water, put in the noodles, DID NOT DRAIN THE WATER, and then dumped some salt, pepper, and KETCHUP into the pot and served it. I had to excuse myself to the bathroom so I could dry heave over the toilet."
- Hollywood899
A Redemption Arc
james franco sandwich GIFGiphy"This one has a redemption arc."
"My then-girlfriend brought some leftover Ethiopian food and kept talking about how awesome it was and had me try some injera (like a giant sourdough pancake) after she reheated everything."
"It was absolutely revolting. Dry and brittle and weirdly grainy and the wrong side of chewy. Seriously the worst thing I had ever had in my life."
"Fast-forward about a month and we go to that restaurant. I wasn't excited, but whatever. I figure there has to be good stuff and I can avoid the injera bread pancake disaster, right?"
"The staff there tells me the injera is your UTENSIL. You're supposed to tear off bits and use it to pick up your food with."
"You're not supposed to eat it by itself, it's purposefully flavorless. They also say never put it in a fridge or microwave it; at which point my girlfriend stared at the table mournfully as she had served it like that."
"The order arrives and I take a breath, pick up some red lentils with the injera expecting that same dry brittle grainy weirdness ... and I discovered my death row meal, folks."
"It's the greatest food on the planet. The fresh injera tastes amazing and only highlights everything you pick up with it! Gored gored (beef pan roasted in berbere that's super spicy and amazing), injera, and red lentils are now the best food I've ever tasted in my life!"
"If you're ever in Memphis, go to Abyssinia on Poplar. Try the red lentils."
- DarthDregan
This Old Mans Recommendation
gross vomit GIFGiphy"My dad was finishing our basement in our old house, and he had an elderly man from our old church helping him out with hanging the drywall, electrical wiring, that kind of thing."
"Well, this old geezer knew my family liked beef heart (side note: beef heart is delicious, but you have to be ready for the ventricles - they can be a bit weird to chew on if you don't cut them out of the piece of meat that you're eating), so he says we are gonna love kidneys."
"My dad always loved liver, so he just assumed it would be something similar."
"NOT. EVEN. F*CKING. CLOSE."
"My dad did everything he could to spice this rancid meat up and make it not taste like pure, unadulterated sadness. Nothing worked - it smelled like piss, the house reeked of it for weeks after."
"My dad refused to even try it, my mom took a bite and spat it out, and then they made my brother and I eat a bite. I can still smell that stench..."
"So anyway, we end up ordering pizza and that old fart sat down and ate an entire pound of that acrid organ. Mind you, this is the same old man that would eat bulbs of garlic like they were f*cking apples in the middle of church, so I don't know why that wasn't a red flag right from the start to my parents."
- Potato-In-A-Jacket
That Last Sentence
Season 7 Nbc GIF by The OfficeGiphy"In High School I got pizza from the pizza shack in the lunch area. The pizza was soggy as hell from the grease. Upon taking a bite, it tasted like alcohol."
"The bread had fermented."
- Spiderbubble
"That last sentence was like a punch to the gut. Wtf"
- WhichButterscotch240
"I think I tasted this comment 🤢"
- SolBlackGuy
Turtle Tea
Sipping Kermit The Frog GIFGiphy"I lived in China for a while. My employer took we to an extremely fancy restaurant once, one that was apparently listed as one of the 'eight treasures of Chinese cuisine' by the CCP."
"It specialized in accurate recipes from a period that, if I recall correctly, was about 700 years old. They were ... intense."
"They served a tea that was basically just a baby turtle boiled in water and served, turtle and all."
"Beyond the unpleasantness of opening your little cup and finding a whole boiled baby turtle, it tasted like week old gym socks."
- Oh_umms_cocktails
Alright, you've made it through Reddit's horror stories, it's your turn.
What have you eaten that you seriously wish you could un-eat? Do you actually like any of the things listed here?
Share your thoughts in the comments.
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I am a keeper of secrets. Not a spiller. Unless of course a there is a jug of top shelf cosmos around. Then we may have trouble.
“wedding”
Episode 12 Wedding GIF by FriendsGiphy"No one, and I mean absolutely no one (aside from my wife) who attended my “wedding” knew that it was actually our one year anniversary party." ~ Reddit
lucky streak
"I had this lucky streak as a kid...s mall stuff usually, like free 20oz on a soda cap. My mom and I didn't have a great relationship (not bad, just distant because my sister died) but she was always super excited about it. So when it hadn't happened for a while, I started creating situations to keep her attention." ~ SyninHex
Bye Pop
"I grew up raised by my grandfather, when I was 21 he had a stroke. I called 911 and practically drove behind the ambulance the entire way to the hospital I ended up stayed with him there for 2 days while his kids flew from across the country to see him. I remember him laying there as I held his hand, he kept saying my name over and over again, and he just passed like that sometime in the night, I never told my uncles or aunts exactly what happened, it was just to surreal for me." ~ Echob0_
Lost
"That I'm very lost in life and don't know what to do, like in a point of where I have free time I don't do anything productive just lay in my bed for hours. Sometimes at night thinking whether I'm going down the right path, or am I doing things right, or just thinking about how my closest friends n family will react if I just end it one day. But that won't happen since I'm too afraid to do it." ~ Error_Code505
Steve
yacht rock GIFGiphy"I like the song 'Oh Sherrie' by Steve Perry un-ironically, and when I watched the music video for the first time in years a few years ago, I cried. I don't know why, maybe it was the nostalgia (I was a kid in the 80s)." ~ napalmnacey
Such scandal. And such innocence. I was waiting for tragedy and mayhem. Let's see...
Diagnosis
Teddy Bear Hug GIFGiphy"That I’m pretty sure I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and as I get older (especially this past year) I see signs that I may be incapable of being happy." ~ Giveushealthcare
Stashed
"Back in high school, my friends and I had a secret alcohol stash in the woods. They pissed me off one day, so I took the stuff I wanted to drink for myself. They later discovered the best stuff was gone and they never suspected it was me. They thought a parent or sibling had found out and almost gave away their own secret trying to find who did it. It was entertaining for sure for me." ~ TeenageDream1234
Thanks for listening...
"I never got over the trauma of a bad relationship 17 years ago. It has negatively impacted every aspect of my life and although I’ve seemingly bounced back a very long time ago. Anyone that knows me would be shocked at the level of despair and depression I’ve been in for years."
"No one would ever know everything looks good on the outside. At this point I can barely remember much about the guy — yet I feel like he defines my entire adult life. I’m stuck on the loss of what could’ve been. It has nothing to do even do with him at this point, it’s more of what he represented. Time I will never get back, mistakes I’ve made."
"I beat myself up over the time I lost, the opportunities I missed and for not being able to just pick myself up and fully move on. It’s very painful to face wasted time and yet to continue not to live in the moment. And the years decades of hiding and pretending like all is well is maddening. The pandemic has made me face this head on and it hasn’t been pretty being alone with my thoughts. Thanks for listening." ~ Due-Time-8151
Crushed
"That I had the biggest crush on my best friend back during high school and about a year after or so. I’m pretty sure she’s connected the dots ever since I told her and my close group of friends that I’m bi, but we’ve never discussed it and I hope we never do. It’d just be kinda awkward and there’s no point doing so." ~ good-ol-beat
Stay
GIF by Leroy PattersonGiphy"If my ex husband had only said once 'I love you and I don’t want to break up, let’s work on it,' I would have stayed married." ~ landofmold
Don't harbor shame. Shame is not a secret to hold. If you need help don't be afraid to ask. You're not alone. And tell the truth about love.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/
I try to just give my thoughts. I always preface... "I just think," and then I alone own it. And if they don't agree, then no one is hurt. We can't live each other's lives.
Pain Management
head feels GIFGiphy"Surgeon - The pains I’m feeling are normal and he doesn’t need to see me until a follow up 6 months later and I can have my staples removed at any health clinic. I almost died from sepsis. It took 12 weeks to recover from this." ~ Valen258
Not the Fix
"Talking to a friend about some normal relationship problems, college age boyfriend-girlfriend, and she suggested getting pregnant to fix it and win all the arguments. (By way of poking holes in condoms after I said we weren’t into trying for a baby and he’s adamantly anti-child). She had a baby at 16 and I never judge anyone for having a kid that young, but I have an inkling of why and how she did it now. Also, after that red flag we did not remain friends." ~ saturnspritr
National Park visitors Center...
"Best and worst from same person. Wife and I hiked from our campsite to National Park visitors Center. It took us almost 2 hours with temperatures in high 90s F (30+ C). We saw no other hikers because no one else was that stupid. We were exhausted. Park Ranger told us we should always bring snacks (nuts, fruit etc) as water is not enough. That was good advice. Then suggested that I hike back on my own to get the car and return for my wife! Bad advice." ~ antmakka
Computer Issues
"Don't study Computer Sciences. Everybody will do it, the market will be saturated and you will have a tough time finding a job." (my parents around 2010)." ~ CrystalButcher
"Ha! I got pretty much the same advice, but it was 'don't do computer programming; you're too personable. You should do sales."'
"It probably set me back 10 years doing sales jobs I hated until I got back into software development. Not sure why I listened to those people." ~ JohnBarnson
Know your worth...
The Office Boss GIFGiphy"Never ask for a raise. Your supervisor should be able to see if you are working hard and give you a raise when the time is right. SMH." ~ julianned32
See there? A lot of ruin. You don't have to take advice. Oh my... that is good advice.
WTF?
Season 3 What GIF by On My BlockGiphy“Just down a bottle of vodka and punch yourself in the stomach” - a friend when I thought I was pregnant." ~ Space-cash
Be Good
"Don't do something if you're not good at it. Listen kid, that is so wrong you don't even know." ~ subscribe_for_facts
"Having perfectionist parents I was basically raised to believe this. I'm in my mid twenties and trying so hard to break out of it. It's given me a lot of resentment towards my parents for never letting me learn to do things I wasn't immediately good at or just trying new things in general." ~ Chanmanklein
“turbo boosters engaged”
"A friend told me that if I fart during sex, I could save face by saying 'turbo boosters engaged' and then pound faster and harder. Once I started having sex I realized how normal noises are and I stopped caring. But I guess he was just trying to be a bro." ~ Christophisatitagain
"Noises sure but don't fart on them during." ~ CaptainHindsight92
Loan Death
"When I went to college on the Pell grant, which basically covered the tuition for each semester and there was an extra $1000 left over for books and whatnot. Also available to me was a $5000 loan each semester, which I didn't need. After the first year, my father said "'take the loans too, if you get a civil service job, you can have the loans forgiven.' Fast forward 15 years and I still have $25K worth of student loans I never needed to take. :( " ~ odenwalder1
"My mom was persuaded"
"I was told by a guidance counselor as an incoming freshman (who didn't know me from anyone else, by the way) that taking more than one honors course plus being in band was too much. My mom was persuaded. I had to fight both of them to ignore the advice."
"I ended up taking every honors and AP course possible throughout high school, finishing with a perfect 4.0 GPA, then doing the same in college. Don't take advice on what you should or shouldn't do from someone who doesn't know you. Always take into account your personal strengths and weaknesses when considering any advice in life." ~ Kooky_Finding8516
Meds
Season 2 Nbc GIF by New AmsterdamGiphy"‘Don’t go on meds, just exercise’ for depression. Meds ended up practically saving my life." ~ Introvertedpanda3
Let's all try to just live our best lives. That is not an easy mission.
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