Not all failed relationships are complete failures. Just like Ariana Grande says in "Thank U, Next," "one taught me love, one taught me patience, one taught me pain." The lessons they teach us can sometimes be extremely valuable, even if we don't want them within ten feet of us.
Here were some of those answers.
Leaps And BoundsGiphy
It's my responsibility to set boundaries and enforce them. Basically, she made me miserable and got away with it because I didn't stand up to her, I know better now.
I was in a relationship with someone who went to a therapist. After the therapist heard about our relationship she told my SO to tell me about boundaries and about how a healthy relationship has healthy boundaries.
So, I went and looked it up, and she was right. I was being taken advantage of. When I started standing up for my own boundaries mentally and physically the relationship ended. I was being taken for a spin by someone who did not care about me.
Someone I never met saved me from continuing in an abusive relationship. To today it is something I'm grateful for, but also am awed by how good that therapist's skills were.
Un-ring The Bell
There are things you can't un-say.
"Don't ever make me choose between you and them because it will always be them." When I told him he doesn't make our relationship a priority because he is always helping his family. His parents and aunts have been in this country for over 30 years but speak not one word of English so they always need him. I suggested he divide up with his other siblings. And he said that line I quoted to me. He apologized but I knew it was the truth and our relationship went down from there. 2.5 years
Player One Only
Listen to your gut. If things don't add up don't ignore and justify it just because they say what you want to hear. Ill never blindly trust someone again and let another person control me.
Alright these are pretty depressing. So something GOOD I learned from a sh*tty ex was squeegeeing yourself off before you dry off with a towel after you shower. Like I just run my hands down my arms and legs and flick water off before I grab my towel, and it seriously keeps the towel from getting absolutely soaked.
But yeah, that was the only good thing I got from that relationship.
A Step More Than LoveGiphy
Love is not enough. It doesn't matter if you love each other if one or both of you make the other miserable.
Be aware of who you are and what your needs are. Don't ever try to be someone else. Don't live for someone else. Be honest to your partner and most of all yourself.
You can find love more than once. Leave sooner.
Then You Know It's Toxic
Don't leave your laptop unlocked with social media logged in, because she will methodically message all female friends trying to 'seduce' them in order to see if I'm cheating on her
Yeah, she f*cking sent sexual messages to like 20 of my old female friends from high school that I never talked to in 10 years. Had a lot of "WTF YOU CREEP" messages.
Silence Of The Ex
Don't put up with the bare minimum. Don't invest your feelings in someone who can't talk about how they're feeling, particularly, if they're not happy with something.
I'm still beating myself up over my ex who wouldn't tell me how he was feeling, I had no idea he was unhappy until he broke up with me. Months of retracing my steps feeling like I did something wrong when really he was the one who didn't tell me something was wrong so I couldn't change what I was doing (if I was/wasn't doing something). I have bad anxiety problems (surrounding abandonment) and this certainly didn't help.
Knowing What You Need
If she isn't willing to make time to see you, she doesn't care as much as she might say she does.
Sometimes you can do everything right and still fail.
It took me until three months after she broke up with me to really learn those lessons, and I still catch myself wondering if I could have done something better sometimes, no matter how many times my friends tell me otherwise.
How To Keep Perspective
There's only 3 ways to deal with a situation.
- Accept the situation
- Leave the situation
- Change the situation
Keep this in mind and always choose the option that serves you and your happiness best.
There's things about yourself that you will not and cannot change. That is you as a person. If they can't accept you for who you are, they're not compatible. Don't try to wait it out, or see how it goes. That could really mess you up.
You can help someone, but always keep your needs in mind. Don't loose yourself. Set boundaries, if they can't accept those boundaries that's on them. Even if it means they run off and live on the street. That's their choice, and if they're telling the truth about it then there's no avoiding it. Either they go, or they drag you down with them.
Keep watch of your mental state. If having them around is starting to take a noticeable mental toll on you. Cut them off. You're no use to yourself and much less anyone else if you become mentally unstable.
I ignored all of these and now I have to see a therapist and I have nightmares about still being in the relationship. My ex got back with her ex which really shows how much my effort meant to them.
Thyself Above All
Love is not enough. I learned this very hard lesson after being in a 6 year relationship with someone who I absolutely adored. Unfortunately, it wasn't going anywhere. He never made room for me in his life, and made me feel like I was his last priority at all times. Never met his parents, never met his friends, we don't even have each other on social media. He recently moved to another city, and I wanted to go surprise him for NYE, and I just imagined him being like "why are you here, I have to work" and decided not to go. If you have expectations, don't lower them. This is after many "I know he won't miss my birthday", "he won't ditch me tonight", "he won't forget about our plans", "he won't cancel our trip". I was always disappointed, but never surprised. I did not feel loved in 4 years. We had really good times, but I was not happy overall. I love him, I'll miss him, but I love myself more.
Only The Best
From one ex: "I'm too poor to buy cheap things." Basically that buying cheap things ends up costing you more money in the long run.
From another ex: It's possible for two people to be perfectly fine human beings and get along but in the end they are unhealthy for each other. Basically, we brought out the worst in each other. I wish her nothing but the best in life but there is no way we should have stayed together.
Always trust your gut. How you feel about the person and the relationship will bleed onto the relationship and your negative thinking can ruin it (but again, if you have a bad gut feeling/ negative thoughts, you probably aren't meant to be with that person) You can love and miss someone forever. You can believe they are your soulmate forever but the universe does have the perfect person for you, even if they haven't come along yet. There's always a better person for you even if you see them as the one that got away. Progress during heartbreak isn't linear, but that doesn't mean you haven't grown.
Companionship And Love As Verbs
Your love for yourself cannot be contingent on the love of another person.
Communication is the most vital aspect of a relationship and without it you don't have a real foundation.
Honesty may be harsh but if they aren't willing to hear an outside view and consider being introspective they wont grow.
You and your partner are allowed to have different interests and you don't have to do everything together.
In that same vein you can't force someone to like something you like.
Try to give someone the benefit of the doubt where an assumption might lead you to a rash or irrational action.
Its okay to have short relationships to help you figure out what you do or don't like psychologically, sexually, socially, et cetera.
People grow apart and come back together, being too close to someone can cause unnecessary friction even with the best match and you shouldn't be afraid or penalized for wanting to step away. This does not have to signify an end.
Learn what companionship means to you and know that you can have that same companionship with friends and not just committed partners. People really have a hard time understanding or defining their own boundaries.
I'm sure I could think of a dozen more things but I need to sleep.
Arts Are Real Jobs
Basically, if they don't believe in your passion, they don't believe in you. They won't ever support you. I had some mutual friends tell me years later that he always thought my career path was stupid and he never believed in me. It was rough to hear, but when I broke up with him, I knew we were never gonna be on the same page about it anyways. Now, I try to date guys who understand what I'm trying to accomplish and are proud of my achievements. Not try to drag someone to every concert, or have to explain to them why a certain job I did was important to me.
The Measure Of A Man: Count His Friends
Don't stop evaluating the person because you fell in love. People can change and evolve, and its not always for the better like we are made to believe.
I was disillusioned for such a long time because I thought the person I feel in love with in the beginning was also the same person I was looking at in the very end. It wasn't. People change, and often if you're not happy in the end its because they've changed more than you're able to reconcile. The person I fell in love was not the same awful person I met at the end. I got hurt before I figured that out and if I had, I would have been a lot less sad about breaking up.
Just an aside, if their friend group changes significantly, so will their values. If you don't like their new friends, don't downplay it.