Nice.

I was with friends in a movie theater and, while I forgot what the movie was, it was apparent we were the oldest people watching the movie.

While waiting for the previews to start, someone in the back makes a noise. Then someone repeats the noise; then, two more ... and so on

I said out loud, "Jeeze, this is getting old."

When it all died down, a young'un a couple rows behind me said, "So are you."

Touche', you little sh*t.

brianingram

And it's like, 'you think it won't happen to you too you little bastard?!'

TmoBeyGee

"And now get of my lawn or I'll call your dad!"

LetsDoThatSh*t

Destruction Level 100.

GiftedSon33

Seems inwardly healthy too.

My grandfather used a handicap placard because of a heart condition. Outwardly he looked very healthy. One woman saw him get out of his car at the grocery store and told him "you don't look handicapped." He told her "you don't look like an asshole."

technotunacasserole

Damn, gramps!

willtoshower

Think carefully about what this line means.

My best friend got into a shouting match with his mother. After a while, she unloaded on him with, "<Insert friend's name here>, you little son of a bitch!"

His reply was, "That's what I've been saying for the last half hour!"

echisolm

Mom lost her temper and called me an SOB when I was 15, and I replied "yes, I am!" And let me tell you I have never been hit harder in my entire life.

pipsdips

A friend of mine in high school got into a bad argument with his mom. His mom said "you should have been a blowjob!"

Yowza

lordatomosk

Worth it.

We were in Chemistry class. Can't remember why but the teacher was pissed off and giving us some kind of lecture.

My friend farted loudly and the teacher looked at him angrily said 'that was out of order' and he said 'sorry sir, didn't know it was your turn.'

That got him a detention.

breakola

Worth it.

williamk601

Remember the feeling in high school right before you were about to say something amazing you knew would get you a detention but you knew you had to do it anyways? What is the adult equivalent of that?

dj_narwhal

When you win a contest in Hell.

Female friend: "I'll just meet a doctor and become a trophy wife."

Male friend: "They don't give trophies for last place."

njk_87

One of my ex-coworkers was a gruff older guy. We were sitting with his wife and the subject of age came up. She said she was 5 years older than him so he was her "trophy husband."

I immediately said "Maybe you ought to polish him once in a while."

bjb13

Relationship goals.

The story of how my grandparents went on their first date has the greatest comeback ever.

My grandpa was working a sub shop at the register. My grandma was in line (they've kind of met a few times in passing before) and she gets up to the register and my grandfather (attempting to hit on her) says "How'd you get through life looking so ugly?" And my grandma replies, "I don't know but you've been doing it longer than I have".

And they've been happily married ever since.

Edit: I hate to disappoint you all, but they did not get married on the spot in the sub shop.

tangelok

I just wanna know where he was headed with that one as a pickup line lol.

2jewswalkedintoabar

Depending on delivery, I could see this coming off as sarcasm/teasing, especially if grandma was objectively a knock out.

pedoduck

But how'd they taste?

My mom made cupcakes one day, and they collapsed in the center for whatever reason. My husband at the time, looked at them and told my mom "they look like --sholes" and she replied "I was thinking of you when I made them." Easily the most witty and quickest comeback I've ever heard from her.

B_Randy210

The best part of this is "husband at the time."

kimjohchill796

The husband must asked on r/relationship_advice how to proceed after his mother-in-law calls him an asshole in a joking way.

CaioNV

This is impressively cold.

Reply by a kindergartner, to a pair of 5th graders who tried to tell him Santa isn't real: "Santa brings me presents, and if Santa doesn't bring you presents, you should think about why."

MindYourMouth

Omg this is brutal, I love it.

baconnmeggs

Real beauty is on the inside.

Line delivered by me...

Dad was boasting about his looks at 65. "the nurses said I looked very good for my age."

Me: "you were there for a colonoscopy, are you sure they were looking at your face?"

animavivere

That's one wat to establish dominance.

I teach 16 - 20 year olds and one of my students kept insulting a girl. She turned around and with a completely straight face she said: "If you're not careful, I'll fuck your dad and become your stepmom."

It was unexpected.

ChirpyCheese

Such a relatable burn.

From Mad Men,

Michael Ginsberg : "I feel bad for you"

Don Draper: "I don't think about you at all"

KallisteDia

Don was absolutely savage in that scene, Ginsberg then says something like well I have a million more ideas and don fires back good thing you work for me then.

Hermsquirm

Secret Santa gift exchange in college. One guy gets a collection of British currency (he liked to collect foreign bills and coins) and a girl makes a rude comment about it being a stupid gift. Cue my mouth running off before my brain can stop it, "Karen dont be rude, he just didnt want you to be the only one who gained 20 pounds this semester"

Pandemonium ensued as her boyfriend tried to pick a fight while she bursts into tears, it was not the best day for the club.

Knit_Game_and_Lift

I need a friend like you who can stand up for me lol

Attya3141

Maybe if you didn't gain 20 pounds you could stand up for yourself.

keanoodle

Gotta finish the joke no matter what.

Co-worker made comment about performing a sexual act on my mother. I inform him that my mom is deceased. His reply, "I know. It was alot of digging."

Harryballzanga

Friend of mine telling another guy we knew that he fucked his mom. Other guy's mom died when he was a baby. Not knowing my friend as well as he thought he thought he tried to guilt my friend with "My mom is dead." My friend comes back with something along the line of "I know, I had to heat her up in the microwave first."

Sethturnstone

From the master himself.

"I may be drunk miss , but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly." - Winston Churchill

fhfuuddjdfhh

"If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea." — Lady Astor

"Madam, if you were my wife I would drink it!" — Churchill.

evanberkowitz