Clap-backs are one of the greatest joys of being able to communicate in spoken language. Somebody tries to insult you, but little did they know you'd be waiting with claws out and ready.
Here are some of those fabulous zingers.
Caught With Your Pants Down
I went to catholic high school and had to wear a belt every day as part of the uniform. One day I had forgotten the belt, and the vice principal, who was a very heavy man had caught me. He said, "Excuse me young man, I can't see your belt." I stopped in my tracks and said "Yeah? I can't see yours either.' I was on the receiving end of 5 days detention for that one.
Not me, but I was there for it.
Doing early document research way down in the basement of a big law firm. Working on a medical malpractice defense. This case involved where a guy went into an urgent care complaining about frequent urination, doctor ran a few tests, prescribed him some medication for BPH and let him go. Eventually goes to another Dr (I think it was like a year later). He has prostate cancer and it's spread, by this stage it's inoperable. 95% of the time these cases are just grieving families channeling their anger inappropriately.
Anyway, going through docs with me and 2 colleagues, let's call them Brad and Amy. Amy looks at some report and is like "Yeah, our doctor is in the wrong here. This blood test has a normal range of x-y. His is z. This should have lead to follow-up. He probably would have lived if they caught it then". Brad looks at her and says in just about the most condescending voice possible "And where did you go to medical school?". Amy answers "Yale".
Turns out, Amy had done her med school and left during her second year of rotations, deciding that being a Dr wasn't for her. She decided to enroll in law school.
Never Underestimate A Furious Retailer
Working retail and an hour long barrage of anger from a customer lead to me filling out a return form while he leant over me aggressively telling me how he would end me end my career end the business before I snapped--stood up pointed at his address on the invoice and said "the difference between you and me is I know where YOU live."
He grabbed his form and bolted.
Still know that f*ckers address near 8 years later.
All. The. Time.
When I worked at starbucks, there was someone who spilled a bunch off coffee and was trying to clean it herself. My coworker walks up to clean it for real.
Coffee Spiller: "It's okay, I got it. I'm a waitress, I do this all the time"
Coworker: "You spill coffee all the time?"
He was trying to make a joke, but she just looked at him with a blank expression and walked away.
Dead And Buried
I was waiting tables out of high school and wasn't very outspoken to strangers. I had a table of four dudes, pretty loud, joking around, etc. I think myself funny but again, this was before I was more outgoing. They got the salad bar and after they sat down with the plates from it, I asked if they found everything OK.
One guy says, "No, where are the women at?"
I said without even thinking, "They saw you coming and ran off."
The whole table busted up and I got a great tip.
This Could Have Gone So Wrong
Hanging out with friends, throwing crap at eachother.
My wife: "No not my face it's my money maker!"
Me: "No wonder we're always broke"
She found it as hilarious as I did.
I was at the gym about 6 months ago and this guy I went to high school with approached me. He graduated a year ahead of me and opened with "SnackandSquats?!" I stare back at him uncomfortably. .. I recognize him but don't remember his name. "I thought that was you. You used to be so weird, everyone thought you were so weird." "...yeah, probably" /he starts telling a story about casually bullying me, the good old days, sweet memories, ect. and then finishes it with "But you look SO great now. I have always thought you were beautiful... what do you think about me?"
"I don't think about you."
He stared at me, and I continued to stare at him until he finally walked away.
Girl with a tape recorder and microphone outside a strip mall near the New Year.
"Hi I am taking a poll on New Years resolutions"
"Yeah its to not talk to strangers" as I walked right passed her.
I looked back and she was laughing.
Growing up my mom always made "jokes" about my intelligence, body type — just generally antagonistic and I coped by ignoring it rather than fight back and incur the wrath. So I was real proud of myself the day she asked me (right before my birthday), "Hey, how old are you turning tomorrow?"
Mom: "Wow. That's OLD."
Me: "Yeah? And what's that make you?"