Getting gifts is supposed to be a fun celebration of the occasion - but we all know that one person who uses gifting as an opportunity to air their beefs.
In the movies, it's someone like the catty mother-in-law, but here in the real world, this sort of pettiness can come from literally anywhere.
Reddit user itsthedreamteam asked:
What's the most insulting gift you've ever received?
Some people take these insults with a grain of salt, or brush them off as being the other persons issue. But for others, these gifts really hit on insecurities and soft spots and so they found them really hurtful.
How people handle getting awful gifts varies, but one thing is pretty consistent - these gift givers are flagrant petty little monsters. So if you've got one in your life, take comfort in knowing you're not alone.
Here are some of the most insulting gifts people have gotten from their own personal monsters.
"Chubbier Than That"
My mom always buys me clothes, more specifically shirts from target or goodwill, for every gift, even though:
a) I tell her I have too many clothes, I've been trying to get rid of clothes, I don't want or need anymore clothes
b) she always buys me sizes XL and up even though I'm a comfortable S/M, and then when I tell her it's too big, she always says, shocked, "I thought it would fit" , and occasionally even add that she thought I was "chubbier than that"
Three Hats
I have alopecia, which is when your hair falls out in random patches on your body. It got to the point that I had to shave my hair because I had bald spots on the top of my head. Having a bald head as a little girl was tough. I opted out of wearing hats or a bandanna because I felt dumb covering it up when everyone could already tell I was bald.
My grandma though would always force me to wear hats when I came over to her house. She would ALWAYS say stuff like "Little girls aren't supposed to look like that, cover up." It hurt but I ignored it and put the hats on, I was super quiet as a kid and didn't make a fuss.
For my birthday my grandma bought me 3 different kinds of hats. I remember sitting there wanting to cry the whole time after opening her gift but I just sat there quiet. Honestly, those 3 hats ruined my entire 9th birthday, I felt so ugly.
A Decade Of Chickens
GiphyWhen I was in high school my mom got me a shirt that made fun of my ADD. It referenced chickens. There's this common joke that goes something like "People say I have ADD, but they just don't under- OH LOOK A CHICKEN!"
She then proceeded to buy chicken related things for the next few years and to this day points out anything related to chickens like it's some kind of inside joke.
It didn't really bother me at first but after nearly a decade now it honestly hurts my feelings.
- EndFace_
Oink
When I hadn't lost all my baby weight 6 months after child birth, my mother- in -law gave me a plastic pig magnet for the refrigerator. It oinked every time you opened the door.
Manners
My dad's third wife got me a book about manners. I used it to level her coffee table the same day. She re gifted it to me at least 5 other times, I found a way to put it back in her house every time.
Dark Body Hair
My divorced parents, independently, with no contact with each other, gave me a No-No (a hair removal device) and an offer for laser hair removal... without ever talking to me about my body hair before... and in front of everybody. 😐
I've been made fun of for my dark body hair all my life or dealt with people pointing out that I've 'missed a spot', so it especially was embarrassing when I never asked for either of those things.
Best Excuses For Late Assignments That Were Actually True | George Takei’s Oh Myyy
Be A "Better" Parent
My very religious ex mother in law gave me a book on better parenting through Christ.
A) I'm not at all religious and she knew it
B) It's rude and presumptuous to give someone a book on how to be a "better" parent.
How They Perceive Me
Size 4XL pants from my aunt. As a 170-pound teenage girl this crushed my spirit. I was only a size large but thought this was how they perceive how big I was...
She Meant Well
7 year old me was super in love with foxes. I made little clay models of fox families, had soft toys, drew pictures, etc.
My Yia Yia (grandma), knowing this, gave me a fox fur coat. It even had little fox tails hanging off it. Gracious little me thanked her with a trembling lip, then went home and sobbed. I remember hugging it as if I could bring it back to life but also being revolted by it. I handed it to mum and told her to burn it. Cried over that for days.
Yia Yia meant well, but man did the intention get corrupted somewhere. She bought me a plush toy fennec fox years later and kinda made up for it.
Embarrass And Insult
GiphyMy mom gave me an electronic toothbrush, toothpaste, and mouthwash for my birthday - right in front of my long term girlfriend and family... knowing full well I'm self conscious about my teeth and I already own all those things.
Later, when I very politely asked her to, in the future, do things like that privately she cried about how hard it was for to do that. How hard it was for her to embarrass and insult me on my birthday.
I'm thinking of getting her a self help book entitled "Living with old age" next year.
Towels
Towels. While the gift itself doesn't sound bad the reasoning behind it was incredibly insulting. I was 17 years old at the time and a senior in high school. It was a Christmas gift from my step-mother. She gave me a set of towels and told me I would need them when I moved out at 18. The kicker was she gave her son (my step brother) a brand new computer for Christmas. This was in 1992 when personal computers started around $4000.
I was pretty salty about it.
No Words
When I graduated college, my parents gave me a card to congratulate me. Inside the envelope, my never-showed-any-real-interest-in-my-life father had included a fridge magnet (and this was not intended to be a joke)... the fridge magnet said:
"Life doesn't come with an instruction book, that's why we have fathers"
This was given to me shortly after he had stormed out of my graduation ceremony early, because apparently he 'doesn't have time for this'.
I had/still have no words for that 'gift'.
Women's Clothes
Women's clothes and other things, because I'm a trans man and they knew it.
I am too. I've gotten perfume, make up/feminine body washes and stuff, and clothes. I give them to my sister and end up with nothing or not much.
I'm Not Fat
My Gramma once gave me cut out magazine articles about losing weight when I was 14 or 15... I wasn't fat. Also, Gramma, doctors don't prescribe amphetamines anymore! (Or they didn't 25 years ago, maybe they do now, I don't know because I'M NOT FAT!)
Too Pretty
GiphyI started working evenings so my husband started having to make dinners. My MIL got me a magnet for the fridge that said "I'm too pretty to cook"
It's like cooking dinner is the only way a woman could possibly contribute to a household. And under no circumstances should this task fall on a man. Funny thing is my husband discovered that he truly loves cooking, it's not a chore but a passion.
The magnet was meant to be a jab. She has mastered the art of passive aggressiveness. I get lotions for Christmas that I'm allergic to. Unless I happen to also be pregnant. If I'm pregnant I get lotions I'm not allergic to. Mother's day cards that are simply signed " I know you try". Yeah, she can't stand me.
Thanks, Grandma
A book on how to apply makeup, and the best way to get dressed to look pretty, I'm not the best looking girl, and I got it from my mom and grandma, as like, a helpful book, and I felt insulted.
Happy 15th
Father who left when my mom got pregnant sent me $10 and a card that said happy 15th birthday for my 16th. I was trying to save cash for a car so I took it, but now that I'm a father I literally can't imagine doing such a thing to my kids.
Christmas In August
I received a CD that has children singing revamped Christmas songs where they change the lyrics. First of all, I hate the sound of children singing. Secondly, Christmas music sucks and everyone knows it. Finally, re-vamped songs where the lyrics have been changed are unartistic, unintelligent pieces of shit. Weird Al Yankovic is a great example of this.
My aunt bought this for me for my birthday. My birthday is in August. I still don't talk to her at family gatherings.
Just Pray
A bible, because I have depression, anxiety, and ADHD. I'm not religious but, still, I felt like it was a way of telling me that I wasn't actually depressed, I just needed to pray.
I was raised by Christian parents and stepparent, I used to pray but I still got worse. Not blaming anyone, I just felt as if it didn't work.
- BluuZ3
Geeky Girls
This may seem dumb, but it kinda hurt me. So my mom had gotten me this book 2 years ago for/by "Geeky Girls" thinking it was a graphic novel kind of story. She chose that because I can't read well (its true, i struggle). She was sort of right, but I wasn't all that interested in the book - but that's not why it was insulting.
Last year leading up to Christmas, I was talking non-stop about Homestuck and was really hoping I'd get something relating to it. Nope.
Instead, my mom got me the exact same book from the year before. Really hurt.
Free Samples
GiphyI have a self-made millionaire uncle who decided to give me free samples from his company as both my birthday and Christmas present since I was born close to the 25th of December. His company sells ingredients to bakeries like Nabisco, so what I got was dried cranberries and chocolate chips, and a shitty golfing shirt with his company's name on it. The same shirts he gave out at his last convention appearance.
Someone To Love You
After I lost a bunch of weight, my grandmother sent me a card saying how I was pretty now "since you lost all that weight" and how I'd be able to find someone to love me. She also ended the card with "Don't eat too much again!" I was turning 17. It was a birthday card.
Apparently, Happy Birthday wasn't enough.
- ard6612
A Shaming Moment
When I was a teen I grew really tall real fast, I outgrew my shirts and they became belly shirts. Being 12 I didn't have any money so my mom started commenting on how much I like to show my stomach off. I told her I just don't have any clothes that fit. She goes and buys large size sweaters and such, everything is too big. "Now you don't have to dress slutty."
WTF?
That logic never made sense to me. Everything I have is because you gave it to me. I hated that Christmas because when you're 12 -15, you're really insecure about everything and I hate that my mom turned a happy holiday into a shaming moment. She also gifted me a hairbrush when I told her mine broke 2 months prior.
She waited two months to replace an essential item so she could pass it off as a present. I had dreads in my hair that needed to be cut out because I wasn't able to brush my naturally curly hair. My mom is not very thoughtful. But I know she didn't mean to be so cruel.
Dirty And Fat
Last Christmas, my boyfriends family gave me an unwrapped bar of soap and the offer of a gym membership...
That's Not My Name
One relative always forgot how my name was spelled and bought me a misspelled personalized gift almost every single year.
Everybody In
When I was 15 and chubbier than my sister and mother (I was a size 8 compared to their 00 and 2) my grandma gave me a skirt she said she was sure would fit me. It did ... but it also fit my sister and my mom at the same time, and I'm sure if my dad was home, he could've stepped into it as well.
We Forgot
I took a year off of school after I graduated high school to stay home and make extra money, my parents bought me pots, pans, and Tupperware, and then said "We forgot you weren't going to school, but at least we can use them."
Curious
GiphyI was 8 years old hanging out in San Francisco with my mom and aunt. We stumble upon a toy store and my aunt gets excited and tells me to wait outside while she buys me something. This got me excited. What was she going to get me? Lego? Something that flies? Maybe another train for my Brio set?
She comes out and hands me a little stuffed Curious George toy, and I had never once been into Curious George. I knew about it, but I never expressed interest in it. My aunt on the other hand LOVED Curious George, and already had a bunch of the franchise's stuff at her place, and I never paid much attention to any of it. I take the doll and look at it, my 8 year old face unable to contain the disappointment. After tumbling it in my hands for a few seconds, she snatches it away from me and says, "Fine, if you don't like it, I'll take it!" Which of course makes my juvenile brain want it back and also to not upset her, but she kept it anyways.
Not so much an insulting gift, just an insulting experience from an Aunt who knew what I liked, but decided to get me a toy of something she liked instead.
I Didn't Want To
Nothing.
My college boyfriend's mother got me nothing for Christmas. I had been with him for 3 1/2 years, bought everyone in the family a couple gifts, and I was staying at their house for our entire winter break. I didn't bring it up. I already knew she didn't particularly care for me.
I heard my boyfriend ask her why there weren't any gifts for me and she flat out said "I didn't want to."
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I've seen people consume foods that make no sense.
Not that food needs to make sense.
But somethings are not meant to mix.
Like... who eats BBQ sauce on chocolate cake?
Don't ask. It's real.
I guess to each their own and God bless your stomach.
Redditor K3na wanted to hear about the times we've witnessed people consuming food that left us SHOOK!
So they asked:
"Besides eating cereal with water what is the most outrageous 'eating sin' you have ever witnessed?"
I like mint chocolate chip ice cream. People hate it.
Apparently I'm a freak.
Holy Mooo!
"When I visited my aunt’s family as a kid she served a 'purple cow' - milk mixed with grape juice - for breakfast. If you haven’t tasted that, take my word for it - it’s not a great concoction."
DWright_5
"In elementary school, we used to mix the milk and juice the school gave us for breakfast to puke and get sent home early... apple juice and milk usually worked the best, I think grape juice and milk was a close second."
MegandapandaWithout a Refill
"I work at a pub/restaurant waiting tables. This couple walks in who I've never seen but are apparently regulars. The bartender sees them, shoots me a glance, and goes to grab something from the kitchen. Before even taking their order, he's filled the crushed red pepper shaker and told me to take it over to them."
"The woman orders a small cup of French onion soup and proceeds to unscrew the cap of this shaker and dump the entirety of it onto her soup, an inch high off the top of her bowl. She's eating this spicy red pepper like cereal and didn't even ask for a drink refill."
actorrent
Ho-Ho-Ho
"I had a friend who went through a period where cake decorating was her hobby, and she made some amazing looking cakes that all tasted horrible because of the bizarre flavor combinations. It was always a bit funny because people would compliment the look of them and then have to figure out how to throw their pieces away without being rude about it."
"The worst one was a Christmas cake with an immaculate looking fondant Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer that was an orange spice cake covered in mint icing. It was like brushing your teeth and rinsing with orange juice in cake form."
TremulousHand
Just eat ice cream as it was meant to be.
On Everything
season 4 the lost mattress GIF by SpongeBob SquarePantsGiphy"I used to be obsessed with A1. I would put it on everything possible because I loved it so much. One day I put it on jello. I no longer enjoy A1."
sunset1214
Masterminds
"When I was in grade school I went over to this kid's house to play, then ended up staying for dinner. We had spaghetti, some vegetable, maybe salad and something else. His entire family would mix everything together before eating it. His dad seemed to be the ringleader/mastermind behind this scheme."
"I remember someone cheerfully saying, 'Well, it all goes to the same place!' And then the rest of them agreeing with this truism as if it were some serious folk wisdom. That's some serial killer sh*t right there."
vprice509
Crunchy
"My sister would make ritz cracker sandwiches, except the thing that went between the two ritz cracker “buns” was another ritz cracker, except chewed up and spit out. it was disgusting."
pixelpha
"I wasn't going to tell this story but here I am. As a kid I would eat a whole bag of Doritos without swallowing, and then I'd spit out the pulverized chip dust and saliva mixture and roll it into a ball with my hands and then let it harden a bit in my desk at school between first and second break and then eat it again during lunch when the outside was a bit crunchy again but the inside was still moist and the consistency of a chocolate truffle."
contecorsair
In Coke
"When I was a server, I had a customer dip her bread in a glass of Coke. She finished her whole bread basket and Coke and asked for another basket and another refill of Coke, and went to town again for round two. She didn't give a crap how she looked and ate that crap like it was the best thing on Earth."
Love_Bunny_22
What in the name of Jesus?
gross dumb and dumber GIFGiphy"My mom puts peanut butter on cold pizza. It is the closest flavor to vomit that is not vomit."
Beneficial_Fudge
Good Lord. How do people eat these things?!
Do you have any bizarre culinary items to add? Let us know in the comments below.
Without sleep, we lose our minds.
Eventually, the mind will give out.
The mind plays tricks with no rest.
Seeing things and believing things that aren't there can be quite disturbing.
All you can think sometimes is...
"Is it real?"
Redditor vicke1230 wanted to talk to the sleepless.
So they asked:
"Have you ever not slept for so long that you started hallucinating? What was your experience?"
I love sleep. I can't go without it.
Do sleep...
Tired Good Night GIF by DisneyGiphy"I was a passenger in a car and looking out the window the shadows from trees would morph and grow and move. It was kinda scary but I enjoyed it. It was like drugs before I did drugs. Don't do drugs. Do sleep."
cominaroundthecorner
70 hours or so....
"Yeah, after 70 hours or so. It's pretty disorienting and rational thinking starts to get very slow. The hallucinations are not realistic but are more like gaps in your vision that are shaped like things. Might see a silhouette at a distance or briefly around a corner."
"Very difficult to function in this state. Would not recommend."
Komi_San
Fire
"A buddy of mine landed a painting job working inside of a big commercial building and he basically stayed in the place for 6 days straight smoking and painting to meet his deadline and avoid hiring a crew to help him."
"On the 6th day the building caught fire and he ran into the lobby and was pulling people out into the streets and yelling to call 9-1-1. The firemen showed up and couldn’t locate a fire because there was none. He was hallucinating."
bigmikesbeingnice
At the Library
"During exam week I pulled 3 all-nighters in the library between tests. The library was open 24hr so I'd just stay up all night making note cards then go take an exam during the day. I lived off campus and didn't want to spend the gas money. I'd go to the most isolated area but the library would pretty much be cleared out by midnight."
"I started to see glimpses of people and I thought it was a bunch of students f**king with me but there was no one on that floor. I thought the lights went off at some point and maybe it was a sensor so I started jumping around to reactivate it but obviously, it was lit the whole time."
iBelieveInSpace
I hear things...
Fran Healy Reaction GIF by TravisGiphy"I went roughly 4 days on 5 hours sleep total. I could function fine but I would just constantly hear things like people mumbling right next to me."
CPTJSPARROW1
I could never function!
From Above
vintage spider GIFGiphy"Spent a few weeks only getting about 4 hours of sleep a night. My brain started seeing, from the corners of my eyes, black things dropping from the ceiling that looked like giant spiders... I started making sure I got enough sleep."
McChicken meal, please.
"Ex-addict. Was driving home after a 3 day bender. Needed food so drove into a Mcdonald's drive thru. When asked for my order I replied 'McChicken meal, please.' Then they asked me against and I said 'McChicken meal, please.' Then they asked me AGAIN and I was like 'Can't you f**ken hear me? McChicken meal!' and that's when I realized I wasn't actually saying anything, I was just replying in my head."
CompliantRapeVictim
Shadows
"Yes I saw shadow creatures and I thought they were out to get me."
dre2048500
"Me too. I had been sleep deprived for weeks (<3 hours a night most nights) and hadn’t slept the night before. I was out a walk with friends and we stopped for a bit and then I started seeing the shadows move. Then they looked like a pile of bodies and then I was convinced that they’d come drag me into the pit."
"OP, get some sleep this experiment isn’t worth it."
ileisen
"I'm better now"
"I had really bad sleep problems for years.. At one point I went to a party having been awake for 36 hours when arriving. I didn't really hallucinate also because I couldn't sleep, but when I finally did, I got the sleep I needed needed. The problem was mostly falling asleep."
"For me stress and lack of sleep triggers some form of sleep-paralysis and these weird dreams where I'm lying down somewhere and I can't see properly and I can't get up because everything is just so blurry and spinning around. It made me wake up in cold sweats and I remember once waking up and falling back asleep so many times because I was too exhausted to keep my eyes open, that I called my mom crying because I did not know whether I was awake or not.
"I'm better now."
softbabydragon
Talk to Me
Worry Reaction GIF by MOODMANGiphy"No sleep for 4 days straight, it really messes with your head. All sounds heightened to the max and was sure I could hear all my neighbors talking crap about me."
ReverseShoplifter
Sleep is so imperative.
Do you have any hallucination stories to share? Let us know in the comments below.
Though we learn about criminals when they're caught, it doesn't mean they're not brilliant.
It takes a lot of planning and patience to pull off the bigger ideas.
That's why there is such a hefty penalty for pre-meditation.
Maybe that's why we're obsessed with the true crime stories that roll out over time and aren't a quick news blip.
We're fascinated by the genius and the almost near cover-ups.
Redditor ItzTacoTimee wanted cops to tell us about the masterminds they've taken into custody.
So they asked:
"Police officers of Reddit, who’s the smartest criminal you’ve ever encountered?"
Most of these murderers on these Dateline shows are smart.
Which is what is most scary.
Deposits
happy work GIF by Soul TrainGiphy"My favorite was the guy who stole a post office mailbox off the street, repainted it, and then put it next to the night deposit box at a bank. And hung an out-of-order sign on the deposit box. All the businesses came along and dropped off their deposits in the mailbox."
pinewind108
"release to police"
"I worked with this one guy who had a lengthy record. He had a system for getting released if he got caught. After committing a crime, if the police were in pursuit and he knew he was about to be cornered, he would act insane. His girl would play along with it telling the police that he was off his medication."
"The police would arrest him but then send him to a mental ward with papers instructing the ward to release to police once he was cleared. Once he was in the mental ward, he would cause a distraction that would make the person attending the desk with the file cabinet to leave said cabinet. He would then crawl to the file cabinet, look for his 'release to police' papers, and then would literally eat the papers."
"When the psych evaluators decided that he was stable enough to be released, there would be no instructions to send him to the police, and he would be released to the general public. He did this about 10 times until police officers noticed him back on the streets. This stunt forced the state to change their procedure for detaining mentally unstable suspects."
g_baker
When in Walmart...
"A guy I went to high school had been stealing from Walmart in a pretty clever way. He would grab video games, mp3 players, beer etc. and throw them away in a trashcan in the garden section. The workers never checked the trash contents and he would just wait, sometimes 5 hours until they emptied the trash in the back dumpster and hop in to get his items."
"Once he took a cardboard box from a display inside, filled it with video games, a PS3, and extra controllers. He grabbed some tape and pens and drew all over the box and taped it up to make it look used and tossed it. An hour later he had a whole new PS3 and stack of games."
taylorink8
"I walked in with this"
"I heard about one person that pulled a shoplifting scam on a large, popular and well known U.S. retail store. They walked in with some cheap nylon product to get one of those 'I walked in with this' stickers they used to put on returning merchandise. The sticker easily peeled off the product undamaged. They walked to the electronics department, grabbed an expensive box off the shelf and went to Customer Service."
"They placed the sticker on the big box and asked if they could return the item without a receipt. 'Unfortunately, no. Not without the original receipt.' Dang it, and they walk out. Customer service even gave the door man the thumbs up having just interacted with the customer. This took place before widespread inventory controls and cameras absolutely everywhere."
nivenfan
The Follower
Location Gps GIF by AboutMedia Internetmarketing GmbHGiphy"I'm not a cop but I worked crime scene. This guy had attached GPS to the bottom of peoples cars who owned houses, he wanted to rob. He did it to ensure they wouldn't be showing up while he was ransacking the place."
Rachcake93
GPS Genius.
Enjoy the meal...
Food Eating GIF by SpongeBob SquarePantsGiphy"There's a golf course/country club in my town that has a PGA tournament scheduled in the next couple years. They have a guy repeatedly breaking in overnight and just lounging around and eating food, all on camera. The club refuses to report it so they don't hurt their chances of the tournament coming."
somejap
Drugs & Keggers
"This was in the late 90s-early 00s."
"A guy in my dorm came to school solely to deal drugs. He took out student loans, registered for a bunch of 300-person freshman survey courses where he would never be missed, then literally never went to class. All he did was go to raves and concerts and keggers and sell party drugs."
"After the first semester, he was suspended. He wrote the usual ‘I was young and dumb and in over my head’ sob story, and got put on probation for a semester. So he had a repeat of the fall. At the end of the year, he was kicked out, and didn’t care."
"He made something on the order of $150k, in return for about $8k in student loans to cover a year of housing and tuition."
"So far as I know, he was never caught. It may have been a short-sighted maneuver in the long run, but in the short run it seemed fairly genius to effectively use federal loans to start your drug business."
whistleridge
Into the car...
"Working in a home improvement store when younger. This guy came in, went to the snow blowers, took one and went to the return desk. Said he wanted to return it but had no receipt. They told him you need a receipt so he says ok I’ll be back and wheels it off to car through the front door. He did this a few times apparently. Couple places even helped him load it 'back' into his car."
ethan-bubblegum-tate
TRANSFORMS
"A french thief who spent 10 years in prison became a comedian when he got out. One of his stories... Finds a building, goes in, chooses a floor and TRANSFORMS the exit door into an extra apartment. Puts the apartment number, fake lock, welcome rug, etc..."
"Puts an iPhone for sale. The person comes to buy it, he opens the door in a shower robe and says give me one second, im just gonna count the money... and poof!"
"He's gone from the exit stairs."
ismango
So Hungry
block out no GIF by Heute-ShowGiphy"Definitely this guy who ate the bank robbery note right off the hood of the police car when they were emptying his pockets. Although I'm fairly sure he was still convicted."
Bonesnapcall
Even with smarts, crime still doesn't sound like it pays.
Who would you add to this list? Let us know in the comments below.
Relationship Red Flags That Need Immediate Attention According To Couples Therapists
Being in a relationship can be a beautiful and empowering thing. But not all relationships make our lives better.
Truth be told, some relationships damage our well-being and impair our mental health. Some relationships can be toxic or even violent—it's important to keep an eye out for red flags.
But what are red flags? Simply put, they are warning signs that a person cannot have a healthy relationship. They can indicate unhealthy and even manipulative behavior. Excessive jealousy is something to look out for. Frequent lying is another. It's important to remember that red flags can be insidious... and that they can grow bigger over time.
The question is: What do you look out for?
Couples therapists told us what to look out for after Redditor Gnerdy asked the online community:
"Couples therapists, without breaking confidentiality, what are some relationships that instantly set off red flags, and do you try and get them to work out?"
"These are typically young women..."
"When one person is entirely dependent on the other, especially at a relatively young age. I mean financially and emotionally."
"These are typically young women (sometimes young men as well) who do not work, do not have children, stay home all day and have no friends or hobbies outside of hanging out with their spouse. Very unhealthy, and a huge red flag. Always ends in a painful and messy breakup."
"Generally, we try to get them to find a friend, join a community, get a job or volunteer - something to provide them with self worth and personal fulfillment outside of their spouse."
milksteaknjellybean
The idea of joining a relationship without anything of your own to fall back on is legitimately terrifying.
"One person says..."
"One partner says they’re seeking your services to help them determine if they want to stay together; the other partner says they’re seeking your services to make it so they stay together."
"Then it’s about highlighting the points and allowing the person who is on the fence decide what they want, since the other person knows."
ChickenSoup4TheRoll
That's so depressing, just waiting for someone to decide if they want you. Sadly, it's common.
"Invalidation."
"Invalidation."
"This comes in many forms, from gaslighting to just simple denial of another's opinion. Most of the time one or both parties are simply trying to be heard on an emotional level with an event or topic that was brought up, but the other party takes this as a personal attack on their ideals."
ShozoNishi
Do not tell someone how they feel or what they think. It won't end well.
"I saw a couple..."
"I saw a couple that was doing "retaliatory" cheating (and telling each other about it). When they got through their anger, they decided to call a truce and made peace. With their level of emotional maturity, I doubt it lasted. I don't know if I helped them or prolonged their suffering. It was their decision to come to counseling, so I think it was the help they wanted."
"Other clients realize what they really want is "divorce counselling". What's the best way to behave civilly and minimize damage to the kids while we go our separate ways?"
lightspeeed
I think it would be great if divorce counseling were normalized. It would save a lot of people a lot of pain.
"People who approach therapy..."
"People who approach therapy with the idea that they must convince the therapist that they’re right and their partner is wrong. Almost like they’re complaining to a parent or boss to have them sort out the problems."
Hyujikoll
Pointing out all the things your partner did wrong and demanding that the therapist tell you how to fix it isn't a winning strategy for any relationship.
"Contempt."
"Contempt. When I experience true contempt from one in the relationship I know it is usually over. Look towards a peaceful ending at that point if possible."
[deleted]
Ah, contempt! One of the four horsement predictors of divorce!
"When people come in..."
"One of the biggest red flags I see when working with a new couple is when they've totally forgotten the good. Part of relationship therapy is reconnecting a couple with what they like about each other, what initially attracted them to each other, and what the positives are between them."
"When people come in and they've been so unhappy for so long that they actually can't remember what it was like to be in love, or to even like each other, they're just about hopeless."
"You don't have to be happy for therapy to work--but if you can't even reminisce about the good times, then the good times are probably over."
TiredMold
This makes sense. Why did you get together? What did you like about each other? What do you love about each other?
It's important to keep that in mind.
"It erodes trust..."
"Couples in a tit for tat arrangement. For example: I cheated so you can have one night to cheat with whomever. Or I violated your trust and did drugs, you can go out and do whatever for one night. It erodes trust and compounds the hurt."
crode080
Yeah... nothing about that behavior is even remotely healthy. People should just leave at that point.
"I most commonly see..."
"Control to an excessive amount. I most commonly see partners having to send pictures holding up a certain number of fingers or proving that it's a live picture. This is abuse."
crode080
This is utterly heartbreaking. Hopefully these patients recognized the signs and bailed.
"I understand..."
"Overbearing parents and in laws. I understand there's a ton of cultural nuance here, and I work with couples who have arranged marriages, as well as the south Asian community. However, when a spouse is more allied with their parents and calls them on speakerphone for fights, or often speaks ill of their partner to their parents, I usually see these couples stay very unhappily married for years."
"It's sad."
crode080
Overbearing parents can absolutely threaten a relationship. It's important to remember that your relationship is separate from your parents — and that your partner deserves your love and allegiance.
Knowing how to identify red flags in a relationship is extremely important. In order to address them, you must learn what they look like and why they are so dangerous.
While this list isn't exhaustive, it's definitely a start. It is possible to identify red flags and put an end to toxic relationships before the damage is done.
Have some thoughts of your own? Tell us more in the comments below.