My dad has this weird "thing" about the word vacation. It's not a particularly hilarious word in and of itself, but if you say it in Spanish, the first part of the word is the same as the word for cow.
My father finds a way to work a cow pun into literally every conversation where the word vacation is even hinted at. It's predictable, it's terrible, and honestly it'll be one of the things my siblings and I look back on and laugh about once he's gone.
Cows need to let loose sometimes, too!
Reddit user @wolfjawed asked:
What joke will your dad just NOT let go of?
Brace yourselves. You're about to come face-to-face with a whole lot of lame. Thing is... you're probably really gonna like it.
Found It
"Hope it works, we just found it in the parking lot."
When paying with a credit card at just about everywhere.
- rcioffe
Delicious
If you ever asked my dad where something was if you couldn't find it, he would always respond with:
"It was delicious"
Abracadabra
Giphy
"Dad, can you make me breakfast?"
"Abracadabra, you're breakfast!"
We're all grown and out of the house with kids of our own, I think my father's favorite thing about being a grandfather is being able to reuse these jokes.
- teke367
Up Yourself
Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree, and the guy behind the counter said "Are you going to put it up yourself?"
My dad said: "Don't be disgusting. I'm going to put it in the living room."
Hi Honey!
Whenever my dad and my husband are having a conversation, and I walk into the room, my dad will loudly say "Just make sure she never finds out..." Then he will look at me and say "OH HI HONEY!"
The Danish Crown Prince
The Danish Crown Prince recently celebrated his 50th birthday. There was of course a bunch of speeches, but the one from his wife was the best. At one point she tells EVERYONE, considering the entire Danish press corps was present, that whenever they're at a restaurant out of the country the waiter will always end up asking, "Are you finished?"
And without fail, every single time, the heir to our throne will lean back, grin, and say, "No no. I'm Danish."
Holes In Your Socks
"Do you have holes in your socks?"
"No."
"Then how to you put them on?"
I knew it was a lost cause when my then-6-yr-old son asked our cashier this at the grocery store.
When At A Restaurant
When at a restaurant
Server: "How is/was everything?"
Dad, motioning at clear plate: "Terrible. You should take it back and have them make another."
Everyone does a rolling eye laugh. Server brings the check.
Dad: "Is this negotiable?"
Every damn time.
Happy New Year
Giphy
Dad here. I won't let go of the New Year's jokes.
"Happy New Year! Wow, I'm so tired. I haven't slept all year!"
The next morning
"Everyone's probably very hungry. We haven't eaten all year."
"Time for a shower, kids! You haven't bathed all year!"
Repeat until my wife and kids yell for me to stop. Then repeat two more times.
- TechyDad
Inappropriate Dad!
My dad pulling his eyes back making the stereotypical "Chinese eyes" and saying "rice again!" When my mom makes rice every night for dinner.... we are Asian. forskin_curtains
Dr. Daddy Lecter
Giphy
Whenever my mom would go outside to smoke or leave the house id ask my dad where she went and he'd always say "i ate her" or "i killed her and ate her liver." The first time he said it i cried. BigFootsSaucyToes
Just go to the internet....
Reminds me of the joke about a father checking into a hotel room with his family. He wants to make sure his kids don't accidentally stumble onto one of the adult channels, so he asks the receptionist, "Is the porn disabled?"
"No, it's just regular porn." Vrathal
You're such a gas!
How many beans are in a can of beans?
"239. if there were 1 more it would be too farty!"
i've heard this joke over a hundred times. MyDeskIsByTheDoor
Beer King!
If anyone ever offers my dad a beer anywhere, he would say something along the lines of "thanks that's my favorite kind of beer."
The host or whoever would say, oh "Budweiser/IPA/lager or whatever is your favorite?" He'd respond "No, my favorite is free beer." catawba1
In Quarters or Dollars?
"$5" every time we ask for something.
"Can I have the tv?" "$5"
"What's for dinner?" "$5" lealila
Hurts, doesn't it?
My dad would always say, "It's classified" when my brother or I would ask him a question he didn't know the answer to. Well, now I work for the military and have a security clearance, and he is so pissed he can't use that joke on me anymore. FlyingBadgerBrewery
Brian's Long Scarf....
My dad has one he's held onto since he was a kid. There was a book he and his brothers borrowed from the library called "Brian and the Long, Long Scarf," and one of his brothers was named Brian. So he goes, "Brian" and Brian says "What?" And my dad goes "...and the Long, Long Scarf. Don't interrupt!" Now decades later he tries to pull it on my brother and I, only with our names, even though it doesn't make sense because neither of us is named Brian. theowlsfavoritejoke
Shut up and Eat....
Giphy
One time he ordered pizza with a side of cheese bread that came with Marinara sauce. He was like "I'm eating pizza with a side of pizza." We all laughed but it was 4 years ago and he brings it up every damn time. phantom_panties
DId you want ot get there?
Every Cemetery we passed..... "Oh man, people are just dying to get in there"......Yep heard that all the damn time as a kid. He would then follow up with the "did you know that people who live in this town cant be buried in there"........"yeah they don't bury live people." huckleberryjam1972
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I once had a guy ask me if I was willing to follow him into the woods, depending on the price of the meal.
Yeah. No steak is worth that.
Plans After...
Wait What Wtf GIF by Saturday Night LiveGiphy"Thanks for the ride but I have a date with someone else, I figured you wouldn't drive me if you knew I was going on a date with someone else and I really needed a ride."
"Online dating, talked to her for a while, finally got the courage to ask her out and then she said that as we got there."
iareyours
Mirror Image
“'You look just like my wife!'”
catalinachild
"I did have a guy tell me I reminded him of his son. I don’t believe English has a word to adequately describe my feelings at that time."
UnicornMagicRainbow
"That would definitely do it."
chaotica78
Third Wheel
"'Hope you don't mind if my mother joins us.'"
ofsquire
"Actually had a girl do this on a first date because she had anxiety issues. Honestly wasn’t bad except that 90% of the time she was silent and her mom talked over her."
"I didn’t mind that much and wouldn’t have minded trying again when she was more comfortable except that she was let go at the company we worked at and she deleted her social media profiles and she never responded on her number. Ah well."
Seightx
Liar
Lying Simon Rex GIF by Simon Rex / Dirt NastyGiphy"'Hey bro aren't you gay? I made out with you last night.'"
"Random dude I've never seen before in front of my (f) date."
JHXC16
Was he lying though?
Filter Issues
"'You looked better on Tinder.'"
waqasnaseem07
"Isn’t it basic knowledge that everybody looks slightly worse than the worst picture you can find?"
no_user_ID_found
The Past
"'My ex used to do that too.'"
xxIvyOF
"Yep. I’ve definitely had two otherwise-decent-guy date-situations sour because the ex-comparisons just would not stop flowing. No woman wants to be seen as interchangeable—I’m not here to perfectly fill that ex-sized hole in your life. Focusing on the present moment and a future we could build together is a courtesy we need to grant each other in earliest dates of dating."
LarkScarlett
Powerless
"'I'm an alpha, you cant handle my top energy.'"
Midnightgay28
"I actually left a dude in the middle of dinner, in part, for saying this. I ordered an Uber under the table while pretending to listen to him. Went to the bathroom, and never came back. That was when I was young. Now I’d just say, 'How about we enjoy this meal in silence, before we head our separate ways.'”
UnicornMagicRainbow
Mommy...
"'Mother says I should be back by 9.'"
"Saying 'mother says' just feels weird."
bunnyrut
"That gives me Norman Bates vibes."
Werewolf_lover20
"'Mother says alligators are aggressive because they have an overabundance of teeth, but lack a toothbrush.'"
sodaextraiceplease
Obvs...
just kidding jk GIFGiphy"'If you were going to be murdered, what method would you prefer. Purely hypothetical. Obvs.'"
Specific_Tap7296
If it looks anything like a Dateline NBC episode... RUN!
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Or so you would think.
Do people still knit to pass the time? Are people actively collecting stamps?
It depends on who's asking.
Curious to hear about hobby trends, Redditor gizehgizeh asked:
"What are once popular hobbies that are slowly dying these days?"
Before we've become conditioned to living on our phones, these activities used to keep people occupied.
Before Texting, There Was This
"Letter writing."
– littlekingMT
Literal And Tangible Joy
"Well the internet killed pen pals for sure. I do remember I had a Japanese girl for a penpal maybe back in 2007 or so. I honestly don't remember how it started, pretty sure some website, but that was a fun experience. But now I can just straight up talk to foreign people real time, lol. But yea getting a physical letter that someone took the time to write and mail still is hard to beat feelings wise."
– skyburnsred
Model Trains
"When I was growing up, every town had a model train store in it. Now I have one in region and everything else has to be bought online."
– Hairy_Effective1172
Pretty Rocks
"Don’t see anyone playing marbles anymore, I had an awesome collection in school."
– sheeple85
"I had some marbles as a kid in the 90s. My grandma got them for me and I had no idea what I was supposed to do with them. I always imagined them as a thing kids in the 40s played with."
– Ryoukugan
People Were Moving Canvases
"Paintball has been dying a slow death since 2006. Sad, really."
– hobo_recycler
Before the general population began hating clutter, collecting was once a "thing."
Precious Coins
"Coin collecting... I'm a silver/gold nut and I'm always hunting for precious metal coins. whenever I go into a shop they get all excited because 'no one under 70 collects coins anymore.'"
– ThatFishySmell99
Post It
"Stamp collecting."
– spooky_scully_mulder
"Collecting in general, really. Of course there are still prominent collectors but it's slipped more into enthusiast and niche territory than being a popular hobby that you might expect anyone to have."
– iuytrefdgh436yujhe2
What A Gem
"Rockhounding was immensely popular back in the 1950's and 1960's. Personally, I think it's a fascinating and fulfilling hobby, but when I go to a meeting at a rock and gem club, I'm usually the youngest one in the room by several decades."
– filthy_lucre
People once enjoyed making things.
Admiring The View
"Stained glass. I learned how to make it from my old man, and my junior high art class teacher also taught it. Very few artisans are still around."
– brobeanzhitler
Metal Vocation
"Black smithing."
– kenworth117
"I bought a forge to try. It’s insanely hard work, and crazy expensive. I still haven’t finished a piece."
– DSentvalue
Scrapbooking
"Yeah. I'm watching the arts and crafts stores around me completely uninstalling their racks for specialty paper. Now the only thing they have is mega packs of repeating colors/images. To boot all the inclusions like papercraft/die-cut things, washi tape, scissors, stickers, etc have gotten so expensive I would rather go buy $5 bags at value village to get an assortment of things versus buying anything new. I really, really miss yard sales for the same reasons."
– Phantasmai
I envy people who have jobs that are basically their hobbies.
Not everyone gets paid doing what they actually enjoy and have a profound level of passion for.
If they do, kudos to them.
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While the process could take time, some people make our jobs much easier after spotting instant red flags.
Curious to hear about our general radar of people, Redditor xxFluffie asked:
"What is something that makes you immediately dislike someone?"
Some people just think they are absolutely hilarious and never realize they're the only ones laughing.
Next In Line
"They laugh about having screwed someone else over. If you think you're not next, well, you'll learn."
– whiznat
Unfunny
"when you mention you don't like a thing and they immediately do that thing 'as a joke.'"
– wayfinder
Playing Devil's Advocate
"Kneejerk contrarians. People who, no matter what you say you like or believe, just have to dismiss it and say they like or think the opposite."
– BubbhaJebus
People who put others down get slammed here.
Bad Parents
"When they treat their kids sh**ty in public. I don't mean handling tantrums, setting a rule, having to hurry to the train etc. I mean perfectly normal-behaved kids getting in trouble for trailing along peacefully, looking at things, asking questions etc."
"If you don't like tiny humans who learn the world, why have them??"
– raxeira-etterath
Public Humiliation
"Treating people sh**ty in public for laughs. Like being rude to service workers because they think it’s funny. Big red flag."
– Ok_Personality_1080
Simply Uncalled For
"Someone who is a d*ck to other people or animals for no reason."
– xebt1000
Those with ulterior motives rubs people the wrong way.
The Scheme
"If they try to get me to join their MLM scheme."
– spazmcgee1
Hard Sell
"A guy I used to be friends with in high school reached out a couple of years after graduating about a business opportunity he wanted my opinion on because 'you've always been smart', then he set up a Skype call and brought some other dude into the call and they started trying to sell me on what was clearly an MLM scheme. The guy went from friend to 'I'm never talking to you again' in a matter of 10 minutes."
– Mental-Afternoon-164
A Timeline
"Good gawd, this! I've had more than one exposure to this abject bullsh**tery..."
- Back in the late 80's/early 90's I was invited to a meeting of literally the OG "Pyramid" where you're recruited to pay in, and then you go out and recruit others to pay in, and the last in line got f'kall.
- In 1995 I had a coworker try to reel me into Amway, which was a hard no.
- In 2000 it was Pampered Chef, though to be fair they did have useful products.
- In 2009 a coworker tried to get me into some stupid video calling service that was obviously stupid from the description. He even got offended when I called bullsh*t.
– Mystical_Cat
Too much ego is a no-go.
I Can Do Better
"Being a b*tch just to stroke their own ego."
"We get it, you can lift 5lbs more than the 12 year old, you don't have to rub it in their face just because you're slightly better"
– Livia_Pivia
Can't Top This
"Oh, you did <story that's been told>? That's nothing! I did <implausible story>.
"I get the whole empathy through relating common experience, and I'm someone who does that (which drives some people crazy on its own), but there's a big different by empathising through common experience, and one-upmanship."
– Tisarwat
Lacking Conversational Etiquette
"Starting to talk over me when I was already talking."
"Stop it you rude, arrogant jerk."
– R33Gtst
If one or more of these traits sound familiar to you, you're not alone.
We don't have time for braggadocios, pyramid-schemers, and conversation interrupters.
And that's just for starters.
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Pleading to deaf ears...
"My dad told me he had hearing loss and couldn't hear me if I whined because my pitch would get too high."
"Would completely ignore me until I asked him questions in a normal voice."
"Trusted him implicitly until I was 12 and he yelled at my younger brother for whining."- Tyrion_Stark.
Get it while you can.
"That they took everything off the shelves when the supermarket closed."- fgyfddg.
venezuela empty shelves GIF by euronewsGiphySilly superstitions.
"My grandfather used to tell me that if I played with the fire, I'd pee the bed."
"I believed him for a while, until I got older."
"I think he was just trying to protect me from the fire."- teddypa1981.
"Rain, rain go away..."
"That if it was raining where I was, it was raining everywhere in the world."- morningshartz.
Age is just a number.
"My parents used to seem really old to me, so much so I believed they grew up like cave people as children, wearing giant leaves for clothes and what not."- Laleena_.
Hammer Floor GIF by VPROGiphySo that's how they're made!
"That smokestacks from the power plant created clouds."- Scaniarix.
An instant cure.
"The sun gives you sunburns, therefore, moonlight should heal them."- velocipeter.
Better safe than sorry.
"Don't drink and drive meant all drinks."
"My dad was super confused when I told him he wasn't allowed to have any soda until we got home."- hulagirlslovetoparty.
Don't believe everything you see on TV.
"There was an episode of Mickey Mouse where Mickey couldn’t reach something at first, so he tried again and somehow his arm was long enough to reach it."
"As a small kid I believed that if I couldn’t reach something, I should just try reaching for it again and my arm would then somehow be long enough to reach it."- That-Dutch-Person.
love him one piece GIFGiphyThe miracle of childbirth.
"That babies are pooped out."
"When I was like 7 I was listening to my aunt as she explained that childbirth was pretty intense and painful for her, and I was all solemnly like, 'yeah, sometimes just my poops are painful, I don’t think I could get a baby out' and she went 'um, WHAT?' and her reaction made me realize real quick that I had f*cked up somewhere and I tried to change the subject while my mind was just reeling lol."- thesoundingfurrows.
Oh to be a child again.
And to believe literally everything you're told.
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