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People Share The Jokes Their Dads Won't Stop Telling

People Share The Jokes Their Dads Won't Stop Telling
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My dad has this weird "thing" about the word vacation. It's not a particularly hilarious word in and of itself, but if you say it in Spanish, the first part of the word is the same as the word for cow.


My father finds a way to work a cow pun into literally every conversation where the word vacation is even hinted at. It's predictable, it's terrible, and honestly it'll be one of the things my siblings and I look back on and laugh about once he's gone.

Cows need to let loose sometimes, too!

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Reddit user @wolfjawed asked:

What joke will your dad just NOT let go of?

Brace yourselves. You're about to come face-to-face with a whole lot of lame. Thing is... you're probably really gonna like it.

Felt

"Is that felt?"

*touches fabric*

"Now it is!"

-el-afficionado

Found It 

"Hope it works, we just found it in the parking lot."

When paying with a credit card at just about everywhere.

-rcioffe

Delicious

If you ever asked my dad where something was if you couldn't find it, he would always respond with:

"It was delicious"

-MaxwellsBronzeHammer

Abracadabra

Giphy

"Dad, can you make me breakfast?"

"Abracadabra, you're breakfast!"

We're all grown and out of the house with kids of our own, I think my father's favorite thing about being a grandfather is being able to reuse these jokes.

-teke367

Up Yourself

Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree, and the guy behind the counter said "Are you going to put it up yourself?"

My dad said: "Don't be disgusting. I'm going to put it in the living room."

- haklka_23

Hi Honey! 

Whenever my dad and my husband are having a conversation, and I walk into the room, my dad will loudly say "Just make sure she never finds out..." Then he will look at me and say "OH HI HONEY!"

- sleepyeyes_24_7

The Danish Crown Prince

The Danish Crown Prince recently celebrated his 50th birthday. There was of course a bunch of speeches, but the one from his wife was the best. At one point she tells EVERYONE, considering the entire Danish press corps was present, that whenever they're at a restaurant out of the country the waiter will always end up asking, "Are you finished?"

And without fail, every single time, the heir to our throne will lean back, grin, and say, "No no. I'm Danish."

- CalydorEstalon

Holes In Your Socks

"Do you have holes in your socks?"

"No."

"Then how to you put them on?"

I knew it was a lost cause when my then-6-yr-old son asked our cashier this at the grocery store.

-Quillemote

When At A Restaurant

When at a restaurant

Server: "How is/was everything?"

Dad, motioning at clear plate: "Terrible. You should take it back and have them make another."

Everyone does a rolling eye laugh. Server brings the check.

Dad: "Is this negotiable?"

Every damn time.

- Feed_me_stories

Happy New Year

Giphy

Dad here. I won't let go of the New Year's jokes.

"Happy New Year! Wow, I'm so tired. I haven't slept all year!"

The next morning

"Everyone's probably very hungry. We haven't eaten all year."

"Time for a shower, kids! You haven't bathed all year!"

Repeat until my wife and kids yell for me to stop. Then repeat two more times.

- TechyDad

Inappropriate Dad! 

My dad pulling his eyes back making the stereotypical "Chinese eyes" and saying "rice again!" When my mom makes rice every night for dinner.... we are Asian. forskin_curtains

Dr. Daddy Lecter

Giphy

Whenever my mom would go outside to smoke or leave the house id ask my dad where she went and he'd always say "i ate her" or "i killed her and ate her liver." The first time he said it i cried. BigFootsSaucyToes

Just go to the internet....

Reminds me of the joke about a father checking into a hotel room with his family. He wants to make sure his kids don't accidentally stumble onto one of the adult channels, so he asks the receptionist, "Is the porn disabled?"

"No, it's just regular porn." Vrathal

You're such a gas! 

How many beans are in a can of beans?

"239. if there were 1 more it would be too farty!"

i've heard this joke over a hundred times. MyDeskIsByTheDoor

Beer King! 

If anyone ever offers my dad a beer anywhere, he would say something along the lines of "thanks that's my favorite kind of beer."

The host or whoever would say, oh "Budweiser/IPA/lager or whatever is your favorite?" He'd respond "No, my favorite is free beer." catawba1

In Quarters or Dollars?

"$5" every time we ask for something.

"Can I have the tv?" "$5"

"What's for dinner?" "$5" lealila

Hurts, doesn't it?

My dad would always say, "It's classified" when my brother or I would ask him a question he didn't know the answer to. Well, now I work for the military and have a security clearance, and he is so pissed he can't use that joke on me anymore. FlyingBadgerBrewery

Brian's Long Scarf....

My dad has one he's held onto since he was a kid. There was a book he and his brothers borrowed from the library called "Brian and the Long, Long Scarf," and one of his brothers was named Brian. So he goes, "Brian" and Brian says "What?" And my dad goes "...and the Long, Long Scarf. Don't interrupt!" Now decades later he tries to pull it on my brother and I, only with our names, even though it doesn't make sense because neither of us is named Brian. theowlsfavoritejoke

Shut up and Eat....

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One time he ordered pizza with a side of cheese bread that came with Marinara sauce. He was like "I'm eating pizza with a side of pizza." We all laughed but it was 4 years ago and he brings it up every damn time. phantom_panties

DId you want ot get there?

Every Cemetery we passed..... "Oh man, people are just dying to get in there"......Yep heard that all the damn time as a kid. He would then follow up with the "did you know that people who live in this town cant be buried in there"........"yeah they don't bury live people." huckleberryjam1972


How People Would React If They Randomly Saw Their Ex On The Street

Reddit user rageondad asked: 'You see your first ex on the street, what do you do?'

People on a busy street
Photo by Jason Wong on Unsplash

We all find ourselves having an unexpected run-in with someone we know on the street every now and then.

In some cases, it's a pleasant surprise and plans are immediately made to catch up.

In other cases, you dig out the first excuse you can to keep on moving, as this particular individual was not someone you hoped would re-enter your life.

Then, of course, there are the times you run into an ex.

Whether you ended things amicably or acrimoniously, it's always going to be an awkward encounter.

Just how awkward it will be, however, depends on your reaction.

Redditor rageondad was curious to hear how people would react if they unexpectedly saw their ex on the street, leading them to ask:

"You see your first ex on the street, what do you do?"

Nothing But Happy Memories...

"1st ex: say hi, nice conversation."

"All good."

"2nd ex: hide from her again, like I did that one time at the gas station."- jfg1435

Who?

"Ignore him because he’s not worth saying hi to."

"And I wouldn’t care about him at all."- Big-Elevator2491

One Way To Handle It...

"Start taking a sh*t on the side walk immediately."- ceiling_fanzz

Excuse Me What GIF by BounceGiphy

No Harm, No Foul

"Say hi."- hot-breadfruit_poop

"And ask how they are doing."

"I'm a curious creature, what can I say?"- Lamacorn

Nothing But Excitement

"Give each other a huge hug."

"We're going to see each other next week for the first time in 25 years."

"It'll be good."

"We've remained friends this whole time, so we're both looking forward to it."- riceme0112358

"Say hi, give him a hug, ask him what he's doing in town."- m00nf1r3

Couple Love GIF by PantayaGiphy

Ouch!

"Didn't you die?" -Reddit

"Wonder who dug her up."- 8urfiat

"Walk On By..."

"Just keep walking."- MythicalMicrowave

Walking By Moe Szyslak GIF by Football AustraliaGiphy

Even If It Means J-Walking

"Cross the street."- no_days_grace

Avoiding Your Ex In Five D's...

"Dodge, dip, duck, dive, and dodge."- catinatank·

The Passage Of Time

"I would wish her well if I recognized her."

"It’s been over 20 years since I’ve seen her."

"It’s not like we parted on bad terms or anything."- Fangsong_37

Lana Parrilla GIF by Paramount+Giphy

Go For The Jugular

"You've sure gotten old."- drpepper1992

About Face

"Run."- saus_blu

Remain Amicable

"Have a chat."

"We are still friends."- Mentalfloss1

Meg Ryan Comedy GIF by Coolidge Corner TheatreGiphy

Of course, the worst element of surprise is having no idea how we might react.

Try as we might to plan just what we'd do should we ever run into an ex, we can't possibly know what will actually happen should that moment arrive.

Though, hopefully it won't ever lead to defecating on the street.


A happy woman
Joel Mott/Unsplash

When you're not particularly having a good day, the smallest compliment goes a long way.

All it takes is for someone to acknowledge your new hairstyle or say something nice about your outfit for the day that can be the biggest mood booster.

It doesn't have to be a big overture or a dramatic declaration, but it's nice to be noticed, isn't it?

Curious to hear examples of how someone made their day, Redditor Bacibaby asked:

"What is a compliment you will remember till you die?"

Some people are affable but aren't aware of how much they're appreciated for it.

A Bright Light In The World

"Someone once told me: 'It's so easy introducing you to people, you make everyone feel like you're their best friend."'

"Have held onto that for over ten years, still helps to remember when I'm not at my best."

– DashFromtheGash

Genuinely Popular

"I feel this. Last year I ran into some people I graduated high school with. A few of them were super popular during that time. One of them said 'Dude, everyone loved you in high school. I don't think there was anyone else that was able to be such good friends with so many different people and be in so many different cliques.' "

"It felt like such a genuine statement. They didn't have to say that. I've thought about it almost every day since because, to my recollection, high school was rough on me."

– sonofab*tchXmustXpay

Highly Respected

"Jeez, years ago I was at a party sometime after I graduated high school. There was a kid there who I had had a few classes with throughout the years and I always spoke to him casually like I would with anyone, but we weren't close friends or anything. He had clearly been drinking a bit because he was pretty animated and talkative and this kid usually kept to himself. Quiet is an understatement."

"He approached me and said 'Toh, I have never told you this, but I have always thought highly of you. Back in middle school there were kids making fun of the janitor and you told them all off. You told them he was working hard and there is nothing funny or to be looked down upon about taking pride in your work, no matter what you do.'"

"It almost made me tear up. I had no recollection of this moment he was talking about, but I knew I must have done it because my words in that memory of his were my father's. My parents both always hammered it into me to be a person of dignity, integrity and character. Middle school was a really tough time for me. I was bullied relentlessly. Knowing that there was someone out there who admired me during that time healed a part of little me."

– TopangaTohToh

It may be vain but getting noticed in the looks department is not such a bad thing.

Women Loving Other Women

"I was in my early 20s and I went out on the town with some girlfriends. I wore an outfit that was way out of my comfort zone. It was a black short skirt (I always wear pants) that flared out with a matching top. It showed a bit of midriff and I was self conscious."

"Before we even got into the bar, we ran into a couple of girls we didn’t know outside. I remember the one girl did a double take and just started freaking out. She went on and on and told me how gorgeous I looked and how amazing my outfit was. She had obviously been drinking, but it didn’t matter. She changed my whole night around and I suddenly felt like the hottest girl on the planet. I still remember her voice when I’m trying to pump myself up in the morning."

"I love women who love women."

– littlepinch7

Being Noticed

"Nothing feels better than when a pretty/well-dressed woman compliments you or your outfit 🥲 Every single time a gorgeous girl has called me 'pretty' or complimented me lives rent-free in my head."

– tigerribs

Train Station Affirmation

"After a concert I was on my way home with the train. I also wore an outfit out of my comfort zone, but I challenged myself. At the train station I walked passed to girl(who was drunk) and one said to the other 'omg did you se how beautiful she was?!' There was only me and them. She made my day."

– MinellaRibert

Noticed By An Older Generation

"A lovely elderly lady stopped mid sentence to say 'you have got the kindest eyes.' "

– F'kMe-F'kYou

"Old ladies are the best."

– OP

"Their honesty is only matched by that of a small child."

"In between those, things get kinda weird."

– F'kMe-F'kYou

Things get a little surprising.

In The Heat Of The Moment

"When I was like 19 I had an ex who had a history of abuse. We were arguing about something (I can't remember what about) but we were both shouting at each other. Then suddenly she broke down crying and started hugging me."

"Very confused I let the moment pass until she could speak and the compliment she paid me was 'Even when you're angry at me, I'm not scared of you.' "

– KingDebone

Owning The Big Legs

"I'm tall, heavy, and plain, and have been lucky enough to avoid getting catcalled for most of my life. But one time when I was in my 20s, biking to work in DC, this little old man on a street corner did a double take as I went by, pounding away at the pedals. 'Mighty big leeeeeeeeggggs!' he hollered, whether in appreciation or astonishment I couldn't tell."

"Now whether I'm struggling to get the bike up a hill, or just feeling down on my body, I'll say to myself 'mighty big leeeeeeeeggggs!' and feel that little extra boost. They are mighty big legs, and I am grateful both to and for them!"

– ReadTheIron

Father Knows Best

"I don't know if it counts but my dad once said 'i don't say it enough, but i'm really proud of you'."

"Which was the only time he ever said it, but it meant a lot."

– justregularoleme

The next time you internally think someone you know is looking particularly good on any given day or demonstrated something you were impressed by, you should tell them how you feel.

We often have these inner monologues that we casually dismiss because we can't be bothered, which is silly because it doesn't take much effort to verbalize them.

If it's positive, we should give voice to our thoughts.

Who knows? A compliment that you think is nothing can really brighten a person's day when they're otherwise feeling very glum, and you'd be responsible for making them feel extra special and seen.​

A couple with their backs to the camera sits on a bench looking out thinking
Photo by Charlie Foster

Breaking up is hard to do.

In fact, it's one of life's hardest things.

It sucks when love is over.

But the story is always interesting.

And there is always more than one side to the tale.

When couples retell the fall of their fairytale there is always different aspects and details mentioned.

Everyone has their own view.

And it's always best to hear both.

Or is it?

Redditor U_PassButter wanted to hear several sides of a break-up story, so they asked:

"Let your Ex tell the story; why did your relationship end?"

I don't want to know what embellishments my exes would say.

I was perfect.

Just Stop

Cardi B Applause GIF by Recording Academy / GRAMMYsGiphy

"He needs to stop being so possessive and controlling. If I wanna f**k my coworker after a shift and take him back to the house and have you catch us. I fully expect you to be okay with all of it."

Initial-Attorney-578

The Privilege

“Well, the real problem was that that a**hole, aknightwhosaysnope, didn’t trust me. If he had trusted me, he never would have looked at my phone and uncovered the affair I’ve been having with one of his best friends, and I could continue to f**k that dude while allowing aknightwhosaysnope the privilege of paying my bills. What a d**k.”

aknightwhosaysnope

In April

“'I changed my phone password because I felt like it. If you need to use it I’ll open it for you.'”

"Cut to April she’s living in NY with her new boyfriend and I’m being served divorce papers. They had been dating for 6 months while we were married."

"The pandemic definitely changed some people, some for the better, but not all."

PissyMillennial

On a Saturday...

"I deliberately picked a fight just like I do every Saturday, to force him to apologize and treat me like a princess for the rest of the weekend. But this time, when I suggested that he didn't love me and we should just break up, he actually had the nerve to agree! I couldn't believe it - that line had always worked in the past to at least get roses and a gift."

"He's such an a**hole - I even refused to leave for a while, giving him the chance to apologize to me and take it back, but he was so stubborn and just flat-out refused!"

"Even when I kept calling his phone over and over from my car, insisting that we spend one last night together, he wouldn't let me back inside his place. I still can't believe that. He owed it to me to at least hold me one more time. I even told him that, and he was still a stubborn jacka** about it."

The_Law_of_Pizza

Why can't people just go to therapy?

Find yourself in trouble.

That's where you're heading.

Not Loyal

Its Over GIFGiphy

"It was long distance, I avoided all girls as she said, stayed loyal, yet one day I felt she was down, asked what's worrying you? She told me she kissed her BFF and cheated on me, a day later she ended it."

lunar_pilot

Try

"I didn't try hard enough because I couldn't handle the pressure and stress of raising 4 children all under 9 years old, a full-time job, a part-time job, all household maintenance and upkeep, and an alcoholic partner who contributed nothing to the family or the household and drank his entire paycheck every week."

Feral_Attitude

Nothing Happened

"For some reason, he didn't like that I was cuddling with my best friend on the couch. He got it into his head that I was cheating on him (or close to doing it) and decided to end the relationship. Nothing ever happened with my friend, nor did I want it to. The fact that I immediately moved with him to another country was just a coincidence."

Tiny-Device-1127

10 Years Later

"My ex (34 F) after our ten-year marriage ended: 'He was a lovely partner, most of the time. But, his depression got a hold and he just quit enjoying anything at all, including time with me. He hated himself. I couldn't put myself through it anymore'...

"Thankfully, I've (34 M) done a ton of work and found a sense of peace, and I finally love myself. It's been a couple of years now, so, the hurt has (mostly) worn off. We have to co-parent anyway, but, I've found a new friend in my ex. She really did always care about me, even if we struggled to communicate this to each other, while we were together."

nickatnite511

Sins

New Girl Facepalm GIF by HULUGiphy

"Apparently being committed to one person while dating is obsessive and to care about them even a little bit after the fact is an unforgivable sin."

TooYoungToBeThisOld1

Dating will be the death of everyone.

And apparently, so will love.

fan of 100 U.S. dollar banknotes

Alexander Mils on Unsplash

They say money can't buy happiness, but it seems it can make a lot of other people miserable.

Whether it's the housing crisis or the high cost of living, people are pointing at the 1% to accuse them of ruining things for the 99% in a multitude of ways.

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