My dad has this weird "thing" about the word vacation. It's not a particularly hilarious word in and of itself, but if you say it in Spanish, the first part of the word is the same as the word for cow.
My father finds a way to work a cow pun into literally every conversation where the word vacation is even hinted at. It's predictable, it's terrible, and honestly it'll be one of the things my siblings and I look back on and laugh about once he's gone.
Cows need to let loose sometimes, too!
Reddit user @wolfjawed asked:
What joke will your dad just NOT let go of?
Brace yourselves. You're about to come face-to-face with a whole lot of lame. Thing is... you're probably really gonna like it.
Found It
"Hope it works, we just found it in the parking lot."
When paying with a credit card at just about everywhere.
Delicious
If you ever asked my dad where something was if you couldn't find it, he would always respond with:
"It was delicious"
Abracadabra
Giphy"Dad, can you make me breakfast?"
"Abracadabra, you're breakfast!"
We're all grown and out of the house with kids of our own, I think my father's favorite thing about being a grandfather is being able to reuse these jokes.
Up Yourself
Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree, and the guy behind the counter said "Are you going to put it up yourself?"
My dad said: "Don't be disgusting. I'm going to put it in the living room."
Hi Honey!
Whenever my dad and my husband are having a conversation, and I walk into the room, my dad will loudly say "Just make sure she never finds out..." Then he will look at me and say "OH HI HONEY!"
The Danish Crown Prince
The Danish Crown Prince recently celebrated his 50th birthday. There was of course a bunch of speeches, but the one from his wife was the best. At one point she tells EVERYONE, considering the entire Danish press corps was present, that whenever they're at a restaurant out of the country the waiter will always end up asking, "Are you finished?"
And without fail, every single time, the heir to our throne will lean back, grin, and say, "No no. I'm Danish."
Holes In Your Socks
"Do you have holes in your socks?"
"No."
"Then how to you put them on?"
I knew it was a lost cause when my then-6-yr-old son asked our cashier this at the grocery store.
When At A Restaurant
When at a restaurant
Server: "How is/was everything?"
Dad, motioning at clear plate: "Terrible. You should take it back and have them make another."
Everyone does a rolling eye laugh. Server brings the check.
Dad: "Is this negotiable?"
Every damn time.
Happy New Year
GiphyDad here. I won't let go of the New Year's jokes.
"Happy New Year! Wow, I'm so tired. I haven't slept all year!"
The next morning
"Everyone's probably very hungry. We haven't eaten all year."
"Time for a shower, kids! You haven't bathed all year!"
Repeat until my wife and kids yell for me to stop. Then repeat two more times.
- TechyDad
Inappropriate Dad!
My dad pulling his eyes back making the stereotypical "Chinese eyes" and saying "rice again!" When my mom makes rice every night for dinner.... we are Asian. forskin_curtains
Dr. Daddy Lecter
GiphyWhenever my mom would go outside to smoke or leave the house id ask my dad where she went and he'd always say "i ate her" or "i killed her and ate her liver." The first time he said it i cried. BigFootsSaucyToes
Just go to the internet....
Reminds me of the joke about a father checking into a hotel room with his family. He wants to make sure his kids don't accidentally stumble onto one of the adult channels, so he asks the receptionist, "Is the porn disabled?"
"No, it's just regular porn." Vrathal
You're such a gas!
How many beans are in a can of beans?
"239. if there were 1 more it would be too farty!"
i've heard this joke over a hundred times. MyDeskIsByTheDoor
Beer King!
If anyone ever offers my dad a beer anywhere, he would say something along the lines of "thanks that's my favorite kind of beer."
The host or whoever would say, oh "Budweiser/IPA/lager or whatever is your favorite?" He'd respond "No, my favorite is free beer." catawba1
In Quarters or Dollars?
"$5" every time we ask for something.
"Can I have the tv?" "$5"
"What's for dinner?" "$5" lealila
Hurts, doesn't it?
My dad would always say, "It's classified" when my brother or I would ask him a question he didn't know the answer to. Well, now I work for the military and have a security clearance, and he is so pissed he can't use that joke on me anymore. FlyingBadgerBrewery
Brian's Long Scarf....
My dad has one he's held onto since he was a kid. There was a book he and his brothers borrowed from the library called "Brian and the Long, Long Scarf," and one of his brothers was named Brian. So he goes, "Brian" and Brian says "What?" And my dad goes "...and the Long, Long Scarf. Don't interrupt!" Now decades later he tries to pull it on my brother and I, only with our names, even though it doesn't make sense because neither of us is named Brian. theowlsfavoritejoke
Shut up and Eat....
GiphyOne time he ordered pizza with a side of cheese bread that came with Marinara sauce. He was like "I'm eating pizza with a side of pizza." We all laughed but it was 4 years ago and he brings it up every damn time. phantom_panties
DId you want ot get there?
Every Cemetery we passed..... "Oh man, people are just dying to get in there"......Yep heard that all the damn time as a kid. He would then follow up with the "did you know that people who live in this town cant be buried in there"........"yeah they don't bury live people." huckleberryjam1972
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Redditor Inspire3110 wanted to share all the best reasons to not partner up.
"What’s a benefit of being single?"
I'm single. I think I want to mingle. Convince me otherwise.
Just Me
Dave Chappelle Freedom GIFGiphy"You only have to worry about yourself."
clayur
"I just started a casual relationship after about a year and a half of being single. Even though that previous one lasted 4.5 years, having to care about someone even a little bit is taking some adjustment. It was nice being free lol."
irishdude1212
Nobody Cares
"It's my day off. I have a bunch of projects to do around the house, but I'm laying on the couch reading Reddit. No one cares."
satanwon
"So true. I just wanna laze in bed all day on my day off sometimes. Bring in some snacks, watch a movie, read my books, take a nap or two. I don't need someone constantly asking 'are you getting up yet?'"
Zealousideal_End2330
Merry Peace
"Christmas is chill af. None of that 'Ok so we spend the eve at your parent's place, then Christmas day is split between my mom's and my dad's/his new girlfriend's place, and then we visit your brother's family to say hi to the newborn, plus uncle Jeremy invited us to his place since we are there anyway..."
foxmachine
Me Boss
"Not answering to anyone else. I've been single for a long time after my marriage ended. The temptation to just pick up with someone new was strong for the first few years, but once I got used to just being by myself, I came to really enjoy it. I'm free to do what I want, when I want. While I'm open to it, it will take someone very special to change my situation now."
ferox965
Places & Things
Heart Coffee GIF by 100% SoftGiphy"Everything is exactly where I left it."
Countryegg1
"Yeeessss. That little bit of milk you left for your morning coffee. It will be there in the morning."
sunflakie
These are all valid choices. I'm in.
Betrayal
i see you no GIF by Shalita GrantGiphy"Don't have to worry about having your trust betrayed. Don't have anyone to lie to you. You have complete control over how peaceful things are for you (barring things out of control like traffic or construction work in the neighborhood)."
HelixDraxzonyx
Career Moves
"You have the opportunity to focus on your own needs and/or make giant strides in your career progression without having to factor in and address the needs of your companion."
Lyrick_
Control
Janet Jackson Dancing GIF by VevoGiphy"Don't have to worry about having your trust betrayed. Don't have anyone to lie to you. You have complete control over how peaceful things are for you (barring things out of control like traffic or construction work in the neighbourhood)."
HelixDraxzonyx
"I know someone who turned down a top-tier professional sports contract because his girl would break up if he would've accepted it, since she didn't want to move from Europe to America. He killed his hockey-career with that decision, and his girl is almost threatening to leave him if he gets out of shape. Can't believe he's still with her."
mr4ffe
I'm Out
"Don't have to answer to anyone about where you're going."
detective_kiara
"This. When I became single after almost 10 years, for a good few months every time I would walk out the door I would instinctively feel the urge to say where I was going. Weirdest feeling ever, kind of like the Altoids thing Jim did with Dwight."
smorsmores
"Unless you have a pet. I tell my cat where I'm going every time I leave the house, even if it's just outside to smoke a bowl. If I don't, she screams like a banshee until I open the door... then I get a low solid meow, like she's saying 'Really?'"
AnAngryJawa
Keep you warm...
"Getting a good night's sleep. I got so tired of being awakened by someone groping me or poking me in the lower back. The whining about 'why don't you sleep naked' coupled with the 'you don't need blankets - I'll keep you warm.' I can't spend 8 hours every night f**king. I need sleep."
VapoursAndSpleen
EAT IT!!
Tina Fey Nbc GIF by Saturday Night LiveGiphy"You can take a complete cake home and eat all of it."
Both-Ad-3763
Who knew being single could be this fun?! Plenty of people apparently.
Curious to hear some of the more negative moviegoing experiences, Redditor Outrageous-Abies8391 asked:
"What is the most disturbing movie you've ever come across ?"
The atrocities of war are dramatically represented in some of the most powerful films.
WWI Soldier
"Johnny Got His Gun, saw it in early ‘70’s, still can’t forget it."
– vousoir
Depiction Of Nuclear Winter
"Threads (1984) is by far the scariest movie I've ever seen. It shows the events of a nuclear war breaking out, and the chilling aftermath. There's no hope and no happy ending, truly terrifying stuff."
– LuxGang
A Devastating Letter
"The answer to this and all questions like it is always 'dear zachery…' I cant unsee that rage from the grandfather. Its maybe 30secs and it's stayed with me longer than anything I've ever seen in a movie. Want real proof that a good, loving person WISHES he had murdered someone in calculating, cold blood? Got your movie for you."
– Goldbera1
Parents' Worst Nightmare
"Netflix documentary Abducted in Plain Sight. Movie synopsis: WTF, really!?"
– Upper-Job5130
Real-life horrors make for even greater disturbing cinematic experiences.
Trapped In Delusion
"Requiem for a Dream. It's one of those you can really only watch once."
– MichaelScottssmug
They're called horror movies for a reason.
Torture
"The first Hostel movie really got to me. Not sure if I was just unprepared or what, but that movie disturbed me more than I expected."
– TimeclockTurtle
It's Banned In Many Countries
A Serbian Film
"Came to say this. There were scenes that I wish I could scrub from my memory."
– evmt95
"I own this one and honestly it's just sort of shock value for the most part. Ironically because the cinematography is relatively professional it makes some of the scenes somewhat goofy for their disturbing content."
"The actual content itself is pretty f'ked but somehow because it's well made I didn't really feel as disturbed as I should have. Films like Cannibal Holocaust, Irreversible, Antichrist, and although I haven't seen them Audition and Martyrs, those films make you feel sickly and carry a heavy weight of knowledge with viewing them."
"A Serbian film is the transformers of the disturbing film genre, there's alot that goes on but it's mostly shock value and well put together production value. I've seen A Serbian film 4 different times."
– aFan0Film
Vomit Gore
Slaughtered Vomit Dolls
'If you need a movie to have some form of a linear story, don’t bother with this one. If you are tired of seeing women constantly berated and insulted and shown as weak and scared, don’t bother with this one. And if vomit isn’t your thing, yeah, definitely don’t bother with this one.' - Horrornews.net
"Yeah, might give it a pass."
– Painting_Agency
Mad scientists coming up with the most twisted experiments is the premise in these revolting flicks.
Enough Said
"The human centipede."
– nuttynutz00-D
"I have not seen that, so can't really answer. The worst part of Human Centipede for me was the bodily claustrophobia and psychological horror, not the visible gore. There are only two films I have ever seen that I wanted to walk out of: that and Lars von Trier's Antichrist."
– ipakookapi
Obsession With A Walrus
"Tusk."
– ChuyImposter
"Agreed ! f'king made me feel so uncomfortable soo weird!"
– snakeysauce
The movies that disturbed me most were, as mentioned above, Tusk and Human Centipede.
I could have stopped watching them as soon as I got sick to my stomach. But as a completionist, I voluntarily subjected to torturing myself.
If you are faint of heart, I strongly suggest you avoid these films. You've been warned.
Redditor SpaceHubYT was eager to hear the most terrifying things people woke up to in the middle of the night, leading them to ask:
"What’s the scariest thing you’ve woken up to in the middle of the night?"
Keeping an extra close eye...hopefully?
"My grandmother just standing there in the dark by my bed, quietly wringing her hands and staring at me."- fryinpaskettimobster
Terrifying no matter when
"My mom saying I needed to get up and go with the cop."- abletable342
An experience no one deserves
"My mom screaming up the stairs 'get out of the house now!!!' and my brother swinging my door open to get us out."
"The house was on fire."- stoneytopaz
One hundred little fingers...
"Centipede crawling on my face."
"I still shiver thinking about when that happened."- Slight_Librarian_399
Bug Insect GIF by AquariumMeGiphyA lesson well learned?
"A cop walking into my Airbnb at 4am in Tennessee."
"Somehow he had the code and just.. walked in."
"I was sleeping on the couch right near the front door."
"He yelled at me and asked my name and what I was doing there."
"I was dazed and said 'ugh, I’m sleeping here man' and he’s like 'we were called about a B n E at this address'." - Reddit
"And I said 'I dunno man' and he was like 'well, sorry to disturb you'."
"And he walked out."
"Found out later that the call came In from a different address and the cop still had the door code from a previous call that was put in at this building before."
"This is where I learned if someone breaks in to where I’m sleeping In the middle of the night, I ain’t gonna do sh*t."
"My reaction time is about 5 minutes."- ReferHvacGuy
Sharing a midnight snack?
"Cat dropping a giant a** spider on my chest, then giant spider disappearing in my panic."- lady_of_the_lac
attack spider GIFGiphyOne can only imagine...
"My wife sitting straight up out of bed and screaming while pointing down the hallway."
"She talks in her sleep, usually it’s hilarious."
"That time it was not."- BrotherOfTheOrder
Nature's alarm clock
"8.8 Richter scale earthquake at 3am."- sparkdaniel
There's a first time for literally everything.
"Lived in an old building in NYC."
"Had a neighbor across the hall that would seldom have night terrors."
"1st time it happened, it was about 4am and I was pretty sure she was getting murdered from the piercing screaming and loud thumps from her flailing around and the sound of glass breaking."
"I grabbed a meat cleaver and went into the hallway in my underwear to see that everyone else in the building was also awake and poking their heads out into the hallway wondering what to do."
"Me and 2 other neighbors eventually knocked on her door and when she answered she looked pale like a ghost and was dripping in sweat."
"She didn't remember any of it, apologized and explained to us her condition."
"That was some blood curdling sh*t."
"She was very apologetic about it and bought us all six packs of beer for freaking us out."
"Me and the two neighbors that decided to take action were all 100% sure that she was getting murdered at that moment."
"I lived there for 2 years and I think she only had 2 episodes during that time."- azninvasion2000
Be it over nothing, or something incredibly serious, being woken up at all hours of the morning is never a pleasant experience.
As the place everyone should always feel safest of all, is in the comfort of their own bed.
