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My dad has this weird "thing" about the word vacation. It's not a particularly hilarious word in and of itself, but if you say it in Spanish, the first part of the word is the same as the word for cow.


My father finds a way to work a cow pun into literally every conversation where the word vacation is even hinted at. It's predictable, it's terrible, and honestly it'll be one of the things my siblings and I look back on and laugh about once he's gone.

Cows need to let loose sometimes, too!

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Reddit user @wolfjawed asked:

What joke will your dad just NOT let go of?

Brace yourselves. You're about to come face-to-face with a whole lot of lame. Thing is... you're probably really gonna like it.

Felt

"Is that felt?"

*touches fabric*

"Now it is!"

- el-afficionado

Found It 

"Hope it works, we just found it in the parking lot."

When paying with a credit card at just about everywhere.

- rcioffe

Delicious

If you ever asked my dad where something was if you couldn't find it, he would always respond with:

"It was delicious"

- MaxwellsBronzeHammer

Abracadabra

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"Dad, can you make me breakfast?"

"Abracadabra, you're breakfast!"

We're all grown and out of the house with kids of our own, I think my father's favorite thing about being a grandfather is being able to reuse these jokes.

- teke367

Up Yourself

Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree, and the guy behind the counter said "Are you going to put it up yourself?"

My dad said: "Don't be disgusting. I'm going to put it in the living room."

- haklka_23

Hi Honey! 

Whenever my dad and my husband are having a conversation, and I walk into the room, my dad will loudly say "Just make sure she never finds out..." Then he will look at me and say "OH HI HONEY!"

- sleepyeyes_24_7

The Danish Crown Prince

The Danish Crown Prince recently celebrated his 50th birthday. There was of course a bunch of speeches, but the one from his wife was the best. At one point she tells EVERYONE, considering the entire Danish press corps was present, that whenever they're at a restaurant out of the country the waiter will always end up asking, "Are you finished?"

And without fail, every single time, the heir to our throne will lean back, grin, and say, "No no. I'm Danish."

- CalydorEstalon

Holes In Your Socks

"Do you have holes in your socks?"

"No."

"Then how to you put them on?"

I knew it was a lost cause when my then-6-yr-old son asked our cashier this at the grocery store.

- Quillemote

When At A Restaurant

When at a restaurant

Server: "How is/was everything?"

Dad, motioning at clear plate: "Terrible. You should take it back and have them make another."

Everyone does a rolling eye laugh. Server brings the check.

Dad: "Is this negotiable?"

Every damn time.

- Feed_me_stories

Happy New Year

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Dad here. I won't let go of the New Year's jokes.

"Happy New Year! Wow, I'm so tired. I haven't slept all year!"

The next morning

"Everyone's probably very hungry. We haven't eaten all year."

"Time for a shower, kids! You haven't bathed all year!"

Repeat until my wife and kids yell for me to stop. Then repeat two more times.

- TechyDad

Inappropriate Dad! 

My dad pulling his eyes back making the stereotypical "Chinese eyes" and saying "rice again!" When my mom makes rice every night for dinner.... we are Asian. forskin_curtains

Dr. Daddy Lecter

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Whenever my mom would go outside to smoke or leave the house id ask my dad where she went and he'd always say "i ate her" or "i killed her and ate her liver." The first time he said it i cried. BigFootsSaucyToes

Just go to the internet....

Reminds me of the joke about a father checking into a hotel room with his family. He wants to make sure his kids don't accidentally stumble onto one of the adult channels, so he asks the receptionist, "Is the porn disabled?"

"No, it's just regular porn." Vrathal

You're such a gas! 

How many beans are in a can of beans?

"239. if there were 1 more it would be too farty!"

i've heard this joke over a hundred times. MyDeskIsByTheDoor

Beer King! 

If anyone ever offers my dad a beer anywhere, he would say something along the lines of "thanks that's my favorite kind of beer."

The host or whoever would say, oh "Budweiser/IPA/lager or whatever is your favorite?" He'd respond "No, my favorite is free beer." catawba1

In Quarters or Dollars?

"$5" every time we ask for something.

"Can I have the tv?" "$5"

"What's for dinner?" "$5" lealila

Hurts, doesn't it?

My dad would always say, "It's classified" when my brother or I would ask him a question he didn't know the answer to. Well, now I work for the military and have a security clearance, and he is so pissed he can't use that joke on me anymore. FlyingBadgerBrewery

Brian's Long Scarf....

My dad has one he's held onto since he was a kid. There was a book he and his brothers borrowed from the library called "Brian and the Long, Long Scarf," and one of his brothers was named Brian. So he goes, "Brian" and Brian says "What?" And my dad goes "...and the Long, Long Scarf. Don't interrupt!" Now decades later he tries to pull it on my brother and I, only with our names, even though it doesn't make sense because neither of us is named Brian. theowlsfavoritejoke

Shut up and Eat....

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One time he ordered pizza with a side of cheese bread that came with Marinara sauce. He was like "I'm eating pizza with a side of pizza." We all laughed but it was 4 years ago and he brings it up every damn time. phantom_panties

DId you want ot get there?

Every Cemetery we passed..... "Oh man, people are just dying to get in there"......Yep heard that all the damn time as a kid. He would then follow up with the "did you know that people who live in this town cant be buried in there"........"yeah they don't bury live people." huckleberryjam1972


Image by Anemone123 from Pixabay

Life is hard. It's a miracle to make it through with some semblance of sanity. We are all plagued by grief and trauma. More and more people of all backgrounds are opening up about personal trauma and its origins. Finally! For far too long we've been too silent on this topic. And with so many people unable to afford mental health care, the outcomes can be damaging.

All of our childhoods have ups and downs and memories that can play out like nightmares. We carry that, or it follows us and the first step in recovery is talking about it. So who feels strong enough to speak?

Redditor u/nthn_thms wanted to see who was willing to share about things they'd probably rather forget, by asking:

What's the most traumatizing thing you experienced as a child?
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Image by klimkin from Pixabay

Being single can be fun. In fact, in this time of COVID, being single can save lives. But the heart is a fickle creature.

And being alone can really suck in times of turmoil. None of us are perfect and it feels like that's all anyone is looking for... perfect.

Now that doesn't mean that all of us are making it difficult to partner up. Sure, some people are too picky and mean-spirited, but some of the rest of us are crazy and too much to handle. So one has to be sure.

The truth is, being single is confusing, no matter how much we try to match. So let's try to understand...

Redditor u/Mcxyn wanted to discuss some truths about love and our own issues, by asking:

Why are you single?
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Tiard Schulz/Unsplash

Whether you're an at home parent, a college student just leaving the nest, or a Food Network junkie, there are a few basic tips that everyone should know.

Chef's gave us some of their top tips for amateurs and beginner at home cooks that will really make a difference. They are trained professionals with years of experience in the kitchen, so they definitely know what we're all missing.

If you're looking to improve some of your cooking skills and techniques, but you're still learning how to boil water correctly, this list is for you.

Redditor BigBadWolf44 wanted in on the secrets and asked:

"Chefs of Reddit, what's one rule of cooking amateurs need to know?"

Let's learn from the masters!


What a common mistake!

"A lot of the time when people add salt to a dish because they think it tastes flat, what it really needs is an acid like lemon juice or vinegar."

- Vexvertigo

"Instructions unclear I drugged my dinner party guests and now they're high on acid."

- itsyoboi_human

"Yes! Or tomatoes. They're pretty acidic too and go with so many things. Our dinners are so much better once the garden tomatoes are ripe. Or if a dish is too acidic, oil/butter or a little sugar can help add balance to it."

- darkhorse85

"Like tomato and eggs. Every Chinese mom makes those slightly differently and I haven't had a tomato egg dish I didn't like yet."

- random314

"There's a book called 'Salt Fat Acid Heat' that comes highly recommended to amateur cooks."

- Osolemia

"Reading even just the first chapter about salt made a lot of food I cooked immediately better, because I finally understood salt wasn't just that thing that sat on the dinner table that you applied after the meal was cooked."

- VaultBoy42

"Salt is important for sweets. A batch of cookies without that little hint of salt doesn't taste quite right."

- Osolemia

Unfortunately, this tip might not be accessible to everyone. Many people who contracted COVID can no longer use their sense of smell the way they used to.

"Have a friend that lost his smell from COVID, and now he only recognizes if food is salty, sweet, sour or bitter."

- AlphaLaufert99

"Just wait until he gets his sense of smell back and a ton of foods smell like ammonia or literal garbage now. Yeah, that's fun... It's been 7 months for f*cks sake just let me enjoy peanut butter again!!!!!!!!!"

- MirzaAbdullahKhan

You can't take back what you've already put in.

"You can always add, but you cannot take away."

- El_Duende666

"I find people's problems usually are they're too scared to add rather than they add too much."

- FreeReflection25

"I see you also grew up white in the mid-west."

- Snatch_Pastry

Safety first!

"Not really a cooking tip, but a law of the kitchen: A falling knife has no handle."

- wooddog

"I'm always so proud of my reflexes for not kicking in when I fumble a knife."

"If I drop anything else, my stupid hands are all over themselves trying to catch it (and often failing). But with a knife the hardwired automatic reaction is jump back immediately. Fingers out of the way, feet out of the way, everything out of the way. Good lookin out, cerebellum!"

- sonyka

"Speaking of KICKING in. On first full time cooking job I had a knife spin and fall off the counter. My (stupid) reflex was to put my foot under it like a damn hacky sack to keep it from hitting the ground. Went through the shoe, somehow between my toes, into the sole somehow without cutting me. Lessons learned: (1) let it fall; (2) never set a knife down close to the edge or with the handle sticking out; (3) hacky sack is not nearly as cool as it could be."

- AdjNounNumbers

"Similarly, NEVER put out a grease or oil fire with water. Smother with a lid or dump baking soda in there (do not use flour, as it can combust in the air making things worse)."

- Metallic_Substance

How else will you know it tastes good?

"Taste the food."

- OAKRAIDER64

"Also don't be afraid to poke and prod at it. I feel like people think the process is sacred and you can't shape/flip/feel/touch things while you cook them. The more you are hands on, the more control you have."

"No, this does not include situations where you are trying to sear something. Ever try flipping a chicken thigh early? That's how you rip a chunk out of it and leave it glued to the pan until it's burnt."

- Kryzm

Here's one just for laughs.

"When you grab a pair of tongs, click them a few times to make sure they are tongs."

- Kolshdaddy

"People really overlook this one. You've gotta tong the tongs a minimum of 3 times to make sure they tong, or else it can ruin the whole dish."

- BigTimeBobbyB

If you're looking to get into cooking or to improve you technique, pay attention to these few tips.

Salt generously, add an acid to brighten things up, and don't forget to taste your food!

If all else fails, you can always order take out.

Want to "know" more? Never miss another big, odd, funny, or heartbreaking moment again. Sign up for the Knowable newsletter here.

Victoria_Borodinova/Pixaba

As part of the learning process, children often do embarrassing things before they learn a little more about the world and all the different implications therein. While the inappropriate moment is usually minor and ends in laugher some instances are truly mortifying.

One such instance involved a little sister who was around 6 at the time. It was the 90s and at the height of the youth-focused PSAs (think the frying egg representing your brain). One type was a safety PSA about stranger danger. The speaker would remind the children that if a stranger tried to take you anywhere to yell “Stop, you're not my mommy/daddy" to raise the alarm.

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