Felt

"Is that felt?"

*touches fabric*

"Now it is!"

- el-afficionado

Found It 

"Hope it works, we just found it in the parking lot."

When paying with a credit card at just about everywhere.

- rcioffe

Delicious

If you ever asked my dad where something was if you couldn't find it, he would always respond with:

"It was delicious"

- MaxwellsBronzeHammer

Abracadabra

"Dad, can you make me breakfast?"

"Abracadabra, you're breakfast!"

We're all grown and out of the house with kids of our own, I think my father's favorite thing about being a grandfather is being able to reuse these jokes.

- teke367

Up Yourself

Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree, and the guy behind the counter said "Are you going to put it up yourself?"

My dad said: "Don't be disgusting. I'm going to put it in the living room."

- haklka_23

Hi Honey! 

Whenever my dad and my husband are having a conversation, and I walk into the room, my dad will loudly say "Just make sure she never finds out..." Then he will look at me and say "OH HI HONEY!"

- sleepyeyes_24_7

The Danish Crown Prince

The Danish Crown Prince recently celebrated his 50th birthday. There was of course a bunch of speeches, but the one from his wife was the best. At one point she tells EVERYONE, considering the entire Danish press corps was present, that whenever they're at a restaurant out of the country the waiter will always end up asking, "Are you finished?"

And without fail, every single time, the heir to our throne will lean back, grin, and say, "No no. I'm Danish."

- CalydorEstalon

Holes In Your Socks

"Do you have holes in your socks?"

"No."

"Then how to you put them on?"

I knew it was a lost cause when my then-6-yr-old son asked our cashier this at the grocery store.

- Quillemote

When At A Restaurant

When at a restaurant

Server: "How is/was everything?"

Dad, motioning at clear plate: "Terrible. You should take it back and have them make another."

Everyone does a rolling eye laugh. Server brings the check.

Dad: "Is this negotiable?"

Every damn time.

- Feed_me_stories

Happy New Year

Dad here. I won't let go of the New Year's jokes.

"Happy New Year! Wow, I'm so tired. I haven't slept all year!"

The next morning

"Everyone's probably very hungry. We haven't eaten all year."

"Time for a shower, kids! You haven't bathed all year!"

Repeat until my wife and kids yell for me to stop. Then repeat two more times.

- TechyDad

Inappropriate Dad! 

My dad pulling his eyes back making the stereotypical "Chinese eyes" and saying "rice again!" When my mom makes rice every night for dinner.... we are Asian. forskin_curtains

Dr. Daddy Lecter

Whenever my mom would go outside to smoke or leave the house id ask my dad where she went and he'd always say "i ate her" or "i killed her and ate her liver." The first time he said it i cried. BigFootsSaucyToes

Just go to the internet....

Reminds me of the joke about a father checking into a hotel room with his family. He wants to make sure his kids don't accidentally stumble onto one of the adult channels, so he asks the receptionist, "Is the porn disabled?"

"No, it's just regular porn." Vrathal

You're such a gas! 

How many beans are in a can of beans?

"239. if there were 1 more it would be too farty!"

i've heard this joke over a hundred times. MyDeskIsByTheDoor

Beer King! 

If anyone ever offers my dad a beer anywhere, he would say something along the lines of "thanks that's my favorite kind of beer."

The host or whoever would say, oh "Budweiser/IPA/lager or whatever is your favorite?" He'd respond "No, my favorite is free beer." catawba1

In Quarters or Dollars?

"$5" every time we ask for something.

"Can I have the tv?" "$5"

"What's for dinner?" "$5" lealila

Hurts, doesn't it?

My dad would always say, "It's classified" when my brother or I would ask him a question he didn't know the answer to. Well, now I work for the military and have a security clearance, and he is so pissed he can't use that joke on me anymore. FlyingBadgerBrewery

Brian's Long Scarf....

My dad has one he's held onto since he was a kid. There was a book he and his brothers borrowed from the library called "Brian and the Long, Long Scarf," and one of his brothers was named Brian. So he goes, "Brian" and Brian says "What?" And my dad goes "...and the Long, Long Scarf. Don't interrupt!" Now decades later he tries to pull it on my brother and I, only with our names, even though it doesn't make sense because neither of us is named Brian. theowlsfavoritejoke

Shut up and Eat....

One time he ordered pizza with a side of cheese bread that came with Marinara sauce. He was like "I'm eating pizza with a side of pizza." We all laughed but it was 4 years ago and he brings it up every damn time. phantom_panties

DId you want ot get there?

Every Cemetery we passed..... "Oh man, people are just dying to get in there"......Yep heard that all the damn time as a kid. He would then follow up with the "did you know that people who live in this town cant be buried in there"........"yeah they don't bury live people." huckleberryjam1972