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People Share Their Favorite Family Friendly Insults

Gosh, darn it!

People Share Their Favorite Family Friendly Insults
Image by Stefan Keller from Pixabay

When I'm writing a new script and I come across characters who are destined to be enemies it's aways fun to concoct scorching insults to sling. And right away what you learn from your dramaturge is that less is more. You can eliminate twenty words and infuse them into a ferocious look that leaves the audience heaving. So you realize it's actually quite easy to keep it clean and classy by leaving foul words--though they often send the point home--out first. Hidden meanings in plain sight that leave people in tears are the best.

Redditor u/AvPlayz wanted everyone to share some witty repartee that doesn't require scandalous words by asking..... What is your best insult without swearing?


Alone

lonely career suicide GIF by Chris GethardGiphy

"I'm lonely not desperate."

SiGMono

Schooled

I bet your parents change the subject when their friends ask about you.

WatchTheBoom

I freaking wish they would. Dad just had a laundry list of crap that I needed to change to be more successful.

I got straight A's, lettered in Latin and AP Physics, and took all AP classes, dad. No crap I wasn't getting out for more exercise or doing more pleasure reading-- I had 4 hours of homework a night!

Saith_Cassus

Being Everywhere....

In 2004 I once told a girl, "You're like Visa, everywhere I want to be". She giggled and then went on with her life.

in 2013, while drunk at a wedding after party of one of my best friends, I was sharing stories of dumb things I did as a teen and young adult to a table full of people when a very pretty lady sitting on her fiancée's lap drunkenly slurred out, "Where have you been all my life?" to which I replied, "I'm not sure, but I got here as fast as I could"...

The two of them left soon after that statement was made.

masheduppotato

Stay back

Tell The Tea GIF by DreezyGiphy

I once asked a girl, "Where have you been all my life?"

Her response was, "I don't know, but I wish I was still there."

jeff_the_nurse

Oscar Says...

"You're a conversation starter. Not when you are around but once you leave."

DonaldKey

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."

- Oscar Wilde

SheriffBartholomew

Burn....

schitts creek burn GIF by CBCGiphy

I envy the people who haven't met you.

ItsShoesHere

Take the Boot

Dad's old one is "couldn't pour pee out of a boot with the instructions written on the heel."

ruessellvt

Oh no... this one got me because at first I was picturing someone lifting the boot above their head to read the underside. Took me a few seconds to realize you would flip it over instead. 🤦🏻♂️

Turns out I couldn't pour pee out of a boot.

sylveonce

You own a Mirror?

megan mullally nbc GIF by Will & GraceGiphy

Calling them by a characteristic or article of clothing they are wearing.

Whatever you say haircut. Or sure thing sunglasses.

It will bother them long after the comment.

Shazam1269

Dumb Luck

I find the fact that you lived this long both surprising and disappointing.

p_cashew

I see that you haven't met some of my neighbors. Here's a good example. One of them lit their yard on fire, forgot they had a garden hose, ran around with a bucket trying to put it out, and then eventually remembered there was a hose.

Did I mention that they are a firefighter so none of these things ought to have happened? I am glad I don't live immediately next to them and that incident has resulted in me having less confidence in my local fire department... for obvious reasons.

24-Hour-Hate

Bless your Heart

dumb patrick star GIF by SpongeBob SquarePantsGiphy

Your grades say marry rich, but your face says study harder.

hnikret

Or "honey, you're not pretty enough to be this dumb."

Fyrrys

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REDDIT

The Worst Cases Of 'Rich Kid Syndrome' People Have Ever Seen

A Redditor asked: 'What’s the worst case of “rich kid syndrome” that you’ve ever seen?'

We are now aware that the distribution of wealth is severely skewed to the top one percent of the population, and rich people have a completely different perception of how the world works and what's "hard" than middle- and lower-class people do.

But what's so disheartening is how their beliefs and limited understanding of hardship trickle down to their children, and how those children are interacting in society is honestly shocking.

Redditor WaterWire asked:

"What's the worst case of 'rich kid syndrome' that you've ever seen?"

The Jet Doesn't Count

"I used to work with someone who proclaimed to be an environmentalist. She was very preachy."

"Once I had a can of Coke on my desk. She said, 'You're going to recycle that, right?'"

"She used her father's personal jet all the time. Once, just to fly from NYC to Boston to see a baseball game."

- LiterallyOutToLunch

Disposable Cars

"A girl I went to school with crashed and totaled six cars in three years and her parents continued buying her better newer cars because every accident 'wasn’t her fault' and if she had stuff like a backup camera and sensors they 'wouldn’t have happened.'"

"She got into a fender bender in the school parking lot and her dad showed up with a wad of cash and paid the other student off."

- nosenseofpermanence

A Simple Grade Change

"When I was in college for my grad degree and I was working as a T.A. (teacher's assistant), during a specific term I was helping my professor with some admin duties for one of his post-grad courses he taught for a different field than mine, and we had this one student who was arguing that she wanted a higher final grade than the one she had gotten."

"We listened to her explanation to see if there was any merit to her request and there was something that needed to be changed, but it basically boiled down to, 'I think my grade is too low and I deserve a higher grade because I say so,' and we simply told her that after reviewing her performance we could confirm that her final grade was correct and there was nothing to be done about it."

"She completely lost it and transformed into a Super Karen and after arguing for a bit, she stormed off and started emailing me and the professor and copying everybody in the email chain: her program director, the department head, the head of our registry office, Will Hunting, the security guard, the librarian, etc., and every email she sent was progressively ruder and more entitled than its predecessor because everybody kept telling her that she was unfortunately in the wrong and there was nothing to be done about it."

"Eventually, she sent a really smug email where she said something to the effect that since everybody was a dumba** and incompetent at our jobs, we had forced her to copy her father who was really close friends with the dean to the email, so we were f**ked and we had to do as she said or daddy would get us all fired. Keep in mind, this was a grad student in her mid-twenties."

"The highest ranking person in the email chain replied, reiterating that we were all very sorry, but she was in the wrong, her grade was correct, and it would not be changed."

"Then her father replied to the email chain and just said, 'There you go, dear. I hope you learn from this.'"

"She didn't reply anymore after her daddy's email, and the matter was closed. To this day, I like to imagine that dear old dad tore her a new one for dragging him into her bulls**t and making him look bad in front of a bunch of professors from a well-known university where his BFF was the dean because she, his grown-a** daughter, chose to behave like a spoiled brat."

- Tough_Stretch

First. World. Problems.

"I'll never forget a former friend stamping her foot and crying because 'Dad sold the jet and I have to take a commercial flight to our raaaaanch.'"

- tnrivergirl

The Cost of Priorities

"An 'Influencer' wondering why other people in their home country don't spend their life traveling like them."

- OrderIntegration

"I love the 'I’d rather have a passport full of stamps than a house full of expensive things!' schtick."

"Most of my furniture is from the free section of Craigslist and I would be thrilled if I ever get to a point where I can afford an international trip every few years."

- TogarSucks

No Help At All

​"Not me, but a friend of mine was an assistant trainer at a Panera store. They hired a teenager who was only working there to meet people, and one day had a group leave a huge mess in the dining room."

"Apparently the teen turned to my friend and said, 'Should we get the help to clean that?'"

"My friend had to explain that they were the help. He quit not long after."

- SailorVenus23

Garage Entitlement

"I was complaining about having to clear off my car from the foot of snow we'd gotten. A guy at work told me there was no way I had to clean off my car. I definitely did and it took a long time."

"Him: Well then, it's your own fault for not parking in the garage."

"Me: I don't have a garage."

"Him: Everyone has a garage."

"I'm like, look out the window next time you are driving?"

- Okay-Cheetah-9125

The Intrusive Thoughts Won

"A senior rich kid in my HS was driving his dad's Jaguar when his buddy asked him what would happen if he threw into reverse at 60 miles per hour. So they tried it and essentially blew the transmission and the motor up."

"A few months later, he got a Porsche for Christmas."

- New_Section_9374

Humbling Experiences

"I had a guy work for me in the military. He thought he didn’t have to do anything because his parents would just 'call their friends.' He ended up getting kicked out for LSD and cocaine use."

- ElfLordSpoon

"I did my mandatory military service when I turned 18, seven years ago. I cleaned s**t more than once, and my father had prepared me for it by saying, 'In the military, it doesn’t matter who you are, you’re still going to clean toilets.'"

"Only a few of my mates from back then knew who my family was and that was after a lengthy, alcohol involving, conversation/interrogation, lol (laughing out loud). You don’t wanna be standing out."

- RolexWearInGray

Unrealistic Shopping

"A therapist once asked me how much money I spent on clothes each year."

"I told her about 100 to 200 dollars, depending on the year and what was needed."

"Her response was, 'You can’t even get one dress for 100 dollars' and then proceeded to tell me that maybe I didn’t value myself enough."

"All I was thinking was, 'This b***h has never been to TJ Maxx?!'"

- FortunaLady

Very Different Backyards

"When I was in elementary school, this kid lived in the only gated community in the area, and the houses were all mansions. He was telling me a story about his tennis court in his courtyard."

"I said, 'Wait, you have a tennis court at your house?'"

"He looked genuinely shocked, and responded with, '…you don’t?'"

"It blew my mind as a little kid who had to share a room with my single mom, lol (laughing out loud)."

- Spare_Invite_8191

College Tuition

"Some girl in my college classes was genuinely shocked there were students who had to take out loans because their parents couldn’t afford to pay the 65 thousand dollars a year for tuition."

"I have a lot of extended family out in California who I’ve never met, but I sometimes hear stories from my parents who keep in touch with a few relatives out there."

"One of my distant cousins, who was like 17 at the time, intentionally totaled the new BMW his parents bought him because he wanted a Mercedes instead. Can’t remember if they ended up buying him that Mercedes or not, but they probably did. Sadly."

- Scortor

Exam Buyouts

"Rich Dude in my high school chemistry class flat out asked how big of a check his dad could write to get him out of taking a major test. He was serious. Nothing happened to him."

- GrayBox1313

Poor Packing Skills

"I had a friend who worked as a counselor at an American summer camp somewhere in Pennsylvania. He said that these kids would leave so much of their belongings because they couldn’t be bothered packing them up and they would just expect their parents to replace what they had left."

"He came away with Beats headphones, brand new shoes (although a few sizes too small), and gaming equipment."

"He also said that one day they were playing a game of flag football and one of the kids fell and grazed his cheek. This kid was some child model, so his parents had him HELICOPTERED OUT OF THE CAMP so he could get plastic surgery over the injury."

- amerika0210

Messy Kitchen Dilemma

"I had a roommate who would cook huge meals and destroy the kitchen. She would eat her meal and head to her room."

"A couple of hours later, she’d come out and be fully p**sed off that the kitchen was still a mess."

"She’d had servants most of her life and was now on her own."

- msjammies73

Though we know that the rich are often incredibly out-of-touch, these examples were still really surprising. Not only is their perception of money so different, but the disposable nature of big purchases, like vehicles, is just wild to think about.

It's easy to take our lives for granted and to forget how lucky we are in our own scenarios, but perhaps the rich experience this even more so.

Pair of scissors
Markus Winkler/Unsplash

According to the Cleveland Clinic, over 50 million men have had a vasectomy.

Although avoiding sexual intercourse is the only effective way to avoid pregnancy, the male birth control procedure still has a low failure rate.

Those who are apprehensive about having a vasectomy fear the following: pain, impact on sex life, effectiveness, and side effects like cancer. (The National Cancer Institute and the American Urological Association have found that the procedure does not increase the risk of prostate cancer).

To seek some reassurance, Redditor GaleNotTheWind asked:

"Men of Reddit who have gotten a vasectomy, what was your experience?"

Guys discuss what happened after the snipping.

Making Sure

"For the love of God, do the follow-up appointment. The last thing you want is to be accidentally playing with a loaded gun."

– sleepypanda59

Wise To Wait

"The paper work I got for mine which was done less than 2 weeks ago said that you could have sex 2-3 days after but... definitely said to wait another few days."

– SisterPhister666

Follow Post-Surgical Procedures Or Else

"Had it done twice while living in Japan no less. Why twice? The first one failed."

"... apparently, so did the second (says my now 6 year old daughter)."

– shoelessmarcelshell

These men found that the procedure itself wasn't a big deal.

Assurance

"I was super anxious, but I had a great procedure. I was more freaked out about the shot of numbing agent to the balls, but it was legit nothing to worry about."

– Reddit

Normal In No Time

"Little operation, blue balls and no wanking for a week, then back to normal but without getting anyone pregnant."

– Bright_Composer_3901

"Made the mistake of having a pop after a couple of days. Jesus, the regret."

– Alante

Best Money Ever Spent

"When I woke up after the anesthesia - yes I asked to be put under, best $55 (after insurance) I ever spent - the caffeine headache I had upon waking was the most painful part. The preoperative instructions were nothing but water the evening before, no water for 4 hours before going under. The Safeway brand cola that the angel aftercare nurse brought me was pure refreshment."

– HarrumphingDuck

Cherry On Top

"Local anesthesia stings for a second or two then all you can feel is tugging after all is done the pain I would describe is like blue balls for like 2 days tops. I took a week off work recommend by doctor since I’m a construction worker and the heavy lifting but I felt like after day 3 I was good to go. Cons: minor pain discomfort, no hanky panky until last semen sample came out clear. Pros: , no unplanned pregnancies(it’s still possible very rarely)."

– Secure_Requirement84

Some final thoughts.

Only Pros

"To me, the only bad part was the smell of the cauterization of my vas deferens.. the procedure was fine. Local anesthesia before and during just felt slight tugging no pain. Recovery was easy. No pain. No cons. Only pros. And if absolutely need be it’s reversible. Much easier and less invasive than a woman getting her tubes tied and significantly less harmful than birth control. I’m an advocate. Get it done!"

– PunchARacist

One Unsettling Thing

"For me, it wasn’t the smell but watching the little puffs of smoke during the cauterization. That was truly and deeply unsettling."

"Otherwise, yeah, nothing major to report. Stayed in bed for a day watching old horror movies and assembling a Lego plant. Pretty much business as usual after that."

– GuestCartographer

The One Constant

"Got a vasectomy, it worked. Got it reversed, that worked.... twice Got another vasectomy...17 years later, all good. Just go to a legit great Dr. I mean top of the field Dr. For ANY messsin around down there. Vasectomy is WAY easier now than 25-30 years ago. In/out in an hour... The only thing that hasn't changed? ... The bag of frozen peas ..😂"

– richwat00

Vasectomies are performed via two methods, the incision vasectomy or a no-scalpel vasectomy, and both use local anesthesia to numb the scrotum.

Always consult a healthcare provider before undergoing the procedure and–most importantly–make sure you don't want to have children or that you and your spouse don't want to add additional family members.

Based on the anecdotes above, there's nothing to fear, so feel free to man up and get to snipping.

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Slashers and sci-fi frights were good, but to me the most effective scares involved nightmarish scenarios that might easily happen in the not so distant future.

For me, growing up Roman Catholic meant demonic possession and the AntiChrist were on the list of plausible fears.

But what films offered possible Hellscapes for others?

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And 57% of divorces were due to cheating.

In marriages where infidelity occurs, but doesn't result in divorce, the loss of trust is still a problem. It can make emotional and physical intimacy challenging.

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