
Nothing's better than a good comeback. Outside of maybe sneezing, thinking of the perfect zinger in the right moment to snap back in someone's face is the tops. Sometimes, it's such a sweet moment, you'll remember it for the rest of your life.
Reddit user, u/aaredmi, wanted to know the best moment when you had it locked and loaded when they asked:
What was your wittiest comeback that you're still proud of?
Don't Come In Our Pizza Place Looking To Start Something
Working at a pizza shop, troublesome customer tries to stack coupons that clearly state "One coupon per purchase". After being refused by everyone in the restaurant including the owner, he goes on a tirade saying that the District Attorney is his cousin, and was threatening a lawsuit (lol).
As he was heading for the door, he said "You can't afford to mess with me!" I shouted after him, "You can't afford a large pizza!"
Age Doesn't Mean A Thing
My mom was asking about my daughter and her boyfriend, "Are they going to get married? I'm just not ready to be a Great Grandmother."
"Well, you could try being a good one, first."
Bark Worse Than A Bite
Graduated college 2 years ago and am currently working a rather boring desk job to save up money for grad school. My boss has a great doggo that I will periodically walk because I feel bad that it just sits next to me all day without going out much.
Anyways, I had some college friends come visit me (some of which I'm not huge fans of) and one girl said "Hey, how's your job picking up dog sh-t?". I think she must have seen my snapchats or something. I was a little caught off guard by this comment though. We were never super close in college or anything. Luckily, I knew that she still doesn't have a job and is working on her "music career"....
I responded with, "Good. Speaking of dog sh-t, how's your music career going?"
Still feel good about that one. Her music sucks.
Too Good To Be In Contempt
Getting my licence to sell alcohol in a new area. Magistrate had been refusing people all morning and the police officer supporting my application knew this guy refused everybody so we'd apply another day but I still had to go up and be questioned. Part of getting a licence is that there are people you are not allowed to serve. One of these is known prostitutes. He asks me to list all the people to not serve.
Me concluding my list: - and, ahem, known ladies of the evening.
Judge: You mean ladies of the night?
Me: I obviously go out a lot earlier than you, Your Honour.
Comes From A Place Of Love
My husband (he's a big fella) said 'don't touch what you can't afford' to me once when I slapped his butt I instantly replied 'not if I'm paying by the pound'
I didn't mean to be nasty it just plopped out before I could stop it.
Kids: 1, Adults: 0
I had just turned 7 (the day before) and I was in the car with my mom and brother after school. My brother and mom were arguing over something and my mom said, "I wasn't born yesterday!" to my brother. I replied saying, "I was!"
It was a good day
Size Always Plays A Part
I used to work as a carpenter's assistant. For some reason, I bought myself a 22 ounce framing hammer, which is, to be honest, more hammer than you'll ever need.
One guy I worked with was teasing me about it: "A real carpenter doesn't need more than a 16 ouncer!"
I replied, "You've been listening to your wife too much."
"Huh?"
"She's been telling you size doesn't matter, right?"
No Matter What Class, It's Going Down
Quick Backstory: So. There is a bully on school and her mother was the typical "I don't pay attention to my son unless he does something 'bad' and I go blame everything else because he is perfect". Also, I've always been skinny and taller than many (rn 6'3" or 1.93m for normal ppl). I can't remember why he said this to me but he said:
Him: At least im not as thin as paper
Me: so what?
Him: It means you don't get food in your house.
Me: Funny. Better than not getting love and attention in your house.
btw we were on class and the professor just looked at me with the face of "that's mah boi" (he and I were big friends)
Height Is Everything
I was arguing with my cousin, who was like 5 months older than me when we were like 8. He goes "respect your elders!" to which I responded "Respect your tallers!" since I was like 3 inches taller than him at the time.
Cue my entire extended (Greek, so lots of people) family dying of laughter.
Two For Eternity
I have two:
The first one was several years ago, when I was still living with my parents. A hurricane had recently hit our area (fortunately our house was fine), which is important context. I've never been a neat person, so my mom came into my room to discover it was a total mess. When she asked me "What happened in here?!" I immediately replied with "A hurricane came through."
The other was more recent. My girlfriend and I were playfully making fun of each other, and she said something along the lines of "Oh yeah? Well, your butt is dumb," and I said "No, I'm a smart-ass."
Banana Size Matters
I work in a fast food restaurant, and we serve shakes and ice creams, and on one particularly busy day about a year ago, I was on the machine trying my best to get the shakes and ice creams out to customers, even though the machine was not working properly.
One particular shift manager (who I always had good banter with), was being a bit of an dick constantly telling me to go faster, and shouting stuff like "where is this?" And "do I have this?" (Basically being tedious) And at one point he said "do I have a large banana?" And I whipped around, peeved as hell, and said "No! But you do have a small one!" He just looked at me, sputtering and after a moment said "well, you didn't have to make it personal." We both then burst out laughing. Still feel proud to this day.
Shocked Gasps Of Excitement
Kid behind me in class was the typical "lol I'm so funny love me" dude who wanted everyone to laugh at him. One day, he called my name said said, "do you want to see a trick?"
I asked, "is it gonna make you disappear?"
"...no?"
"Then I don't care."
To this day, the not-at-all-hushed gasps and "DID YOU HEAR THAT" from other students always makes me proud
You Can't Make Fun Of Us! Only We Can!
my dads french, meaning that in sports my family supports france. one day i was talking about the french team on the bus coming home from school and a boy says "france is a shite team" (it was the world cup) and i say "oh,, i didn't know you played for france"
i'll never forget the look on his face
Opinions May Vary
In school, i was at my Latin class, (it was the end of the day) and my shoe was untied, my friend went up to me and said: "Your shoe is untied"
Without thinking, my first line was: "Your mom is untied"
Brutal Honesty
This happened years ago when I was Asst. Manager at an Auto Parts store. As a female manager of a male dominated industry I have had many inappropriate remarks. My favorite comeback was when a thief attempting to return a third night in a row asked me, while gyrating his pelvis in my direction, when was the last time I had something "big and black" in me. Without missing a beat and in a fit of disgusted frustration I responded...
"The last time I had something big and black in me was when I sh-tted it out, now get the f*&@ out of my store."
In my defense I had had some serious diarrhea for a few days before this.
Winning The Family Game
Late to the game, but at Thanksgiving one year, my whole family was sitting around talking, and winning contests came up. One of my brothers looked at me and snarked, "oh yeah, what was the last thing you ever won?"
I looked around the room at all my blood relatives and answered "By the looks of it, the Genetic lottery."
Insults From A Place Of Love
My then-girlfriend & I were arguing over something petty.
"You're heartless"
"Only because you stole it"
She "aww"''d and then went back into argue-mode.
Peaked In High School
When I was in high school, a girl that I had dated for a while and broke up with called me about three months afterward. I picked up the phone and said, "Hello?" and she immediately said, "I just want you to know that I'm having much better sex now."
I replied with, "... Well, tell your dad I said congratulations!" and hung up. I have never been that witty since.
What's the comeback you made that still sticks with you? Share it with us!
Have you ever heard of a certain job that people call a career and thought... "PEOPLE PAY YOU FOR THAT?!?!"
All hard, honest work is good work.
And then there is just trash work.
And I don't mean garbage collection, that is honest work.
I don't know how some people live with themselves.
Redditor MrTuxedo1 wanted to discuss the careers they don't believe people should chase. They asked:
"What job do you have no respect for?"
Ticket scalpers. How do you the audacity to say that's a job?
Actual burglars have more empathy.
Disrespectful
"There are debt collectors who call relatives of the deceased to pay off their debts when they are not legally obligated to."
Top_Gun_2021
Shady. Shady.
"Australian Real Estate Agents. Laws don't seem to apply to them. Just as dodgy in sales and rentals alike. Never seen anything like it overseas."
snave_
"I'm in the US, it can vary state by state but my state is pretty strict on realtor laws. Some states require attorney review and there are definitely penalties for being reported for shady sh*t. It does require consumer reporting though."
ilostmytaco
Etransfer
"Where I live, tax info was leaked and now scammers are targeting low income individuals/families (people earning under 30,000 per year) with etransfer scams. I got one the other day that was an etransfer warning that 240$ 'a family member sent me' was about to expire."
SnowyInuk
"That’s disgusting. The scammers know what they’re doing, they know the harm they cause people and yet they don’t care."
surelysandwitch
Should be illegal...
"MLM managers. Not the low level idiots that get suckered into it, they suck too for trying to bring new people into that sh*tshow, but the people who create them know exactly what they are doing and are pretty much the only ones who profit off of it. Should be illegal. Pyramid schemes are illegal. None of them ever get the just desserts except occasionally by vigilantes I assume."
Wereno
I hate debt collectors. Yeah, you calling me one hundred times a week is going to miraculously make money appear.
Animals
"Paparazzi."
VictorBlimpmuscle
"I met Jack Gleeson (King Joffrey from Game of Thrones) at a bus stop in Dublin. Really nice guy but he said he quit acting due to people being nasty online and constant hounding from paparrazi. He's happier now but it sucks that he was pushed away from a career he was quite good at."
goobi94
Scumbags
"The pastors at mega churches whom ask their followers for money for private jets. Absolute scum to abuse others faith for your own greed."
ichancho
"Brian Tamaki is a greedy freaking pig, he takes advantage of so many people who are already struggling. Every time he’s in the local news (which btw is often) I get more and more pissed off at him and his wife. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brian_Tamaki "
surelysandwitch
it’s a thing???
“'Dating Expert.' Sadly it’s a thing. It’s basically a self appointed title that requires no training or qualifications. What’s worse, is that I have a female friend who uses one. It’s very much a blind leading the blind situation."
Mean_Manufacturer_61
"Most of the self proclaimed “dating coaches” I know are women in their late 30s or early 40s who have never been married or had a longer relationship."
ipozgaj
EVIL
"Poachers. Especially big game poachers who purposefully hunt nearly extinct animals from species they know they are on the brink."
"I know there are poachers that come from rural villages who are trying to just put food on the table, which has my sympathy but poachers who come from money and hunt down animals minding their business in most shelters or restricted areas just to put a head on their wall as a trophy are absolutely heinous."
GetterdoneObiwan
I See It All
"Psychic Mediums. Specifically those who prey on the grieving."
JamesDeadite
"I've always found it interesting how many magicians go after people like this. I think it's because they know what it takes to trick people for the art. The slight of hand and mentalism. And they abhor people who use these tactics for such sh*tty purposes."
34HoldOn
I want so bad to believe in psychics and mediums. What say we on that topic?
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The nose is constantly being attacked by odors of the world.
Going through one day without having to hold my breath during a certain point, is a miracle.
Of course, I'm a New Yorker, so I maybe exaggerating for people in the countryside.
What's funnier is odors that are pleasant, that shouldn't be.
Have you ever looked and something and thought... "yuck."
But then you smelled it and it was like... "oh lovely,"
Redditor HappQueue wanted to know what aromas are arousing to the senses that may come as a surprise to many. They asked:
"What smells good but shouldn't?"
For some odd reason I love the things burning. Anything, food, pots, pans. You name it. Weird.
Blow
"Matches/candles on a birthday cake. I remember lighting matches as a kid purely to blow them out and inhale that sweet match-y smell."
semispooked
"guilty good"
"I work at a Chemical plant. We make a highly acidic product that is dark blue, viscus, highly corrosive, and smells exactly like Fruit Loops. It is incredibly disturbing."
Turin082
"Organic chemistry has many 'guilty good' smells. Thiophosgene (sulfur derivative of a chemical weapon used extensively in WW1) apparently smells like meat. Phosgene is used to make polycarbonate, thiophosgene is used to make some sulfur-containing molecules which eventually end up in therapeutic drugs."
HammerTh_1701
I can't huff it...
"Paint, specifically house paint. I love the smell. But anytime I hear that anyone is painting a room or their house, I volunteer. I just love sitting on the floor in a room that's been freshly painted, closing my eyes and just inhaling that slightly chemically, slightly creamy aroma."
Neowza
A Hint of French...
"A fish and chips shop burnt down as couple blocks from work a few years ago. The whole neighborhood smelled amazing for days. Just the slight hint of French fries. Nothing overpowering. It was so awesome. Until I found out someone was trapped in the fire and died."
stevey_frac
Drag
"Race fuel. Instantly puts me in a good mood as it reminds me of going to the drag races with my dad when I was young."
garfnodie
Fuel and matches get me too. And they sort of go together. Interesting.
Just like the Movie...
"The water from the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. Mmm, bromine."
Stalkerslovemy
"This is one of my favorite scents of all time, and Disney is very aware that people enjoy it. Evidently it’s a lot harder to recreate than just adding bromine to water."
cash4panties
"black widow".
"There's a chicken wing restaurant near my house that has a challenge sauce called "black widow." The owner claims it to be around 500,000 scovilles. A few years back some buddies and I decided to try them, the sauce was a dark molasses color and smelled almost like a BBQ sauce, no hint of the danger that lurked at all. We each grabbed one wing and it went terribly. I don't know how something so spicy could smell so innocent."
Final-Chapter
Endless Weekend
"Hotel/rented rooms whenever you go on vacation. There's this particular smell that just says 'you are on vacation,' especially on a beach/swimming trips/out-of-the-town vacays."
Yummy_Llama
"Bath and Body Works has a plug-in scent called Endless Weekend that replicates that scent (to my humble nose)."
Exxcentrica
"oh no..."
"Someone you are attracted to's body odors. Anyone else who is slightly unhygienic smells repulsive."
Mini_gunslinger
"I remember back in high school a girl leaned over, sniffed me, told me that I smelled really good, and asked me what cologne I was wearing. I asked if she was joking, and she's like, no, you smell really good. When I told her I had just gotten done with gym class, she gets a small 'oh no...' look on her face and turns away. I think we both had a revelation that day."
user deleted
That Smell
"The smell inflatable things give off. I have no idea how to describe it, but it’s… nostalgic? to me."
crestfxllen
I do love the smell of plastics and inflatables. Ahh....
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At one point in time, we've misplaced things that we've considered priceless possessions.
It's hard to imagine how to go on without the lost object–whatever it may be–but over time, it becomes a distant memory and we move on.
That is until we magically find ourselves presented with this opportunity proposed by Redditor mikehotel288, who asked:
"You find yourself in a room with everything you’ve ever lost in your life. What do you look for first?"
There are necessities people cannot do without.
No More Dry Lips Ever Again
"Gonna be a lot of chapstick in that room."
– camefromxbox
There are things that bring us comfort and are irreplaceable.
Safety Blanket
"My baby blanket. It became tattered over the years—to the point where I couldn’t reasonably wash it anymore—so I had to throw it away a little while back."
"I have heavily regretted that decision. I was really attached to it (hence it being in tatters), but I really wish that I kept what was left of it instead of throwing it away. Just knowing that I’d still have it would be a huge comfort to me."
– Uearie
Sentimental Heirloom
"The pendant my dad had made for me with my grandmother’s engagement diamond. It was 2 carats. It disappeared from a Las Vegas hotel room 20 years ago. It was hidden deep in a suitcase where it would not have been easy to find. It was just GONE. Cops didn’t do anything. Didn’t even come to take my statement. Cleaning lady said she thought she saw an elderly man enter my room. The guy I was with was not sympathetic in the least. Entire situation was f**ked. I’m still so upset about it."
– MaritimeDisaster
Lone Shark
"My plastic shark toy I lost when I was 10. Ain't no f'king way it just VANISHED."
– Guilty_As_Charged__
Not everything lost is tangible.
Tick Tock
"The time I wasted."
– shinyfennec
It Holds Value
"My private key with 6 BTC in it."
– Significant_Mirror19
"I didn't lose one, but I'll check my room for yours just in case."
– Smodphan
Finding Purpose
"The reason I walked into the room."
– Lloyd_lyle
Lost Opportunity
"That one girl i spoke to on omegle lol"
– h-amishh
If only we get to reunite with those we've lost.
The Loved Family Member
"My grandpa."
– Splatty_boi_420
Grieving Parent
"My daughter. She’ll be in my brother’s arms. So I’ll find both things I care to look for."
– SeeTheFence
Missing Mom
"My mom. She died of cancer in 2017. She never got to meet my daughter. I miss the hell out of her and wish she was still part of my family’s life."
– X-Arkturis-X
The Animals That Come Into Our Lives
"My pets that have passed: especially my horse, Blue. It's been 4 years, but it feels like just yesterday."
– Baciandrio
While many of these scenarios are unlikely, the thread gave people an opportunity to reflect on the things that made a strong impression on their lives.
Sometimes, the memories of the things we've lost–whether they are random objects or sources of love–is all we have.
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What's worse than returning home from a night out or a workday and discovering your home was broken into? Being home when the break-in happens.
Home invasions are a common trope portrayed in horror films like The Strangers and Funny Games, and they're absolutely terrifying because they are based on real-life incidents.
Redditor silentagent47 asked strangers to consider this horrifying hypothetical.
"You have 5 minutes to prepare before a guy breaks into your house with the intention to kill you. You can not exit your house. What is your strategy to survive?"
The hunter becomes the hunted, inspired by TV and movies.
Duplicating A Scene
"There was an episode of Burn Notice where Michael puts aerosol cans in the microwave with kitchen utensils and hits popcorn button. I really want to know if this works or not."
– JohnSterlingSanchez
Epic Burglar Trap
"Speed-watch Home Alone."
– pluribusduim
It's about the choice of weapon.
Jump Scare
"I get the vacuum cleaner ready in a certain room, I turn it on as hes about to enter to create a distraction, then I jump out when he's inspecting the noise and bonk the f'ker on the head with the piece of 2 inch steel tube I keep as a weapon."
– BustedBastard
Beware of Dog
"Unleash the Hounds"
– myassonreddit
Make A Weapon
"Duct tape a bunch of knives to the end of one of those tall lamps to make a spear of blinding and then proceed to go sicko mode."
– DubTheeBustocles
Preparing For A Thwack
"Turn shower on, for some reason I have a shovel behind my wardrobe?? So grab that. Wait for him to check shower, whack with shovel. Boom."
– hypersp00p
It's Just A Game
"Corner camp with a shotgun."
– Arrow3619
A Warm Welcome
"Hairspray and a lighter to his face."
– WorkingClassSheep
The effectiveness of these tactics are questionable, but points for creativity are warranted.
Stand Still
"Put a lamp shade on my head and stand in the corner of the room."
– Cannabis_Sir
Make It Erotic
"I turn on all the lights, take off all my clothes, rub butter all over myself, and start a fake conversation on the phone. As soon as he breaks in I say into the phone: 'I’ve gotta go, my next appointment is finally here…”
– FrankieTheAlchemist
Forget The Stairs
"Go to the LIVING ROOM."
– on-oath-never-again
Removing The Element Of Fun
"Draw an X on my forehead and grab a beer."
– Candycoatedmuffin3
And that's why I would opt for living in a commune or apartment complex.
People who own houses are just asking for forced entry.
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