Don't Come In Our Pizza Place Looking To Start Something

Working at a pizza shop, troublesome customer tries to stack coupons that clearly state "One coupon per purchase". After being refused by everyone in the restaurant including the owner, he goes on a tirade saying that the District Attorney is his cousin, and was threatening a lawsuit (lol).

As he was heading for the door, he said "You can't afford to mess with me!" I shouted after him, "You can't afford a large pizza!"

cocoamoko

Age Doesn't Mean A Thing

My mom was asking about my daughter and her boyfriend, "Are they going to get married? I'm just not ready to be a Great Grandmother."

"Well, you could try being a good one, first."

gogozrx

Bark Worse Than A Bite

Graduated college 2 years ago and am currently working a rather boring desk job to save up money for grad school. My boss has a great doggo that I will periodically walk because I feel bad that it just sits next to me all day without going out much.

Anyways, I had some college friends come visit me (some of which I'm not huge fans of) and one girl said "Hey, how's your job picking up dog sh-t?". I think she must have seen my snapchats or something. I was a little caught off guard by this comment though. We were never super close in college or anything. Luckily, I knew that she still doesn't have a job and is working on her "music career"....

I responded with, "Good. Speaking of dog sh-t, how's your music career going?"

Still feel good about that one. Her music sucks.

erlydecision

Too Good To Be In Contempt

Getting my licence to sell alcohol in a new area. Magistrate had been refusing people all morning and the police officer supporting my application knew this guy refused everybody so we'd apply another day but I still had to go up and be questioned. Part of getting a licence is that there are people you are not allowed to serve. One of these is known prostitutes. He asks me to list all the people to not serve.

Me concluding my list: - and, ahem, known ladies of the evening.

Judge: You mean ladies of the night?

Me: I obviously go out a lot earlier than you, Your Honour.

mattress76

Comes From A Place Of Love

My husband (he's a big fella) said 'don't touch what you can't afford' to me once when I slapped his butt I instantly replied 'not if I'm paying by the pound'

I didn't mean to be nasty it just plopped out before I could stop it.

yarnpig

Kids: 1, Adults: 0

I had just turned 7 (the day before) and I was in the car with my mom and brother after school. My brother and mom were arguing over something and my mom said, "I wasn't born yesterday!" to my brother. I replied saying, "I was!"

It was a good day

The_Sephiroth

Size Always Plays A Part

I used to work as a carpenter's assistant. For some reason, I bought myself a 22 ounce framing hammer, which is, to be honest, more hammer than you'll ever need.

One guy I worked with was teasing me about it: "A real carpenter doesn't need more than a 16 ouncer!"

I replied, "You've been listening to your wife too much."

"Huh?"

"She's been telling you size doesn't matter, right?"

dfBishop

No Matter What Class, It's Going Down

Quick Backstory: So. There is a bully on school and her mother was the typical "I don't pay attention to my son unless he does something 'bad' and I go blame everything else because he is perfect". Also, I've always been skinny and taller than many (rn 6'3" or 1.93m for normal ppl). I can't remember why he said this to me but he said:

Him: At least im not as thin as paper
Me: so what?
Him: It means you don't get food in your house.
Me: Funny. Better than not getting love and attention in your house.

btw we were on class and the professor just looked at me with the face of "that's mah boi" (he and I were big friends)

LeonSRPG

Height Is Everything

I was arguing with my cousin, who was like 5 months older than me when we were like 8. He goes "respect your elders!" to which I responded "Respect your tallers!" since I was like 3 inches taller than him at the time.

Cue my entire extended (Greek, so lots of people) family dying of laughter.

Fillyann1

Two For Eternity

I have two:

The first one was several years ago, when I was still living with my parents. A hurricane had recently hit our area (fortunately our house was fine), which is important context. I've never been a neat person, so my mom came into my room to discover it was a total mess. When she asked me "What happened in here?!" I immediately replied with "A hurricane came through."

The other was more recent. My girlfriend and I were playfully making fun of each other, and she said something along the lines of "Oh yeah? Well, your butt is dumb," and I said "No, I'm a smart-ass."

Sayares13

Banana Size Matters

I work in a fast food restaurant, and we serve shakes and ice creams, and on one particularly busy day about a year ago, I was on the machine trying my best to get the shakes and ice creams out to customers, even though the machine was not working properly.

One particular shift manager (who I always had good banter with), was being a bit of an dick constantly telling me to go faster, and shouting stuff like "where is this?" And "do I have this?" (Basically being tedious) And at one point he said "do I have a large banana?" And I whipped around, peeved as hell, and said "No! But you do have a small one!" He just looked at me, sputtering and after a moment said "well, you didn't have to make it personal." We both then burst out laughing. Still feel proud to this day.

HBTitan

Shocked Gasps Of Excitement

Kid behind me in class was the typical "lol I'm so funny love me" dude who wanted everyone to laugh at him. One day, he called my name said said, "do you want to see a trick?"

I asked, "is it gonna make you disappear?"

"...no?"

"Then I don't care."

To this day, the not-at-all-hushed gasps and "DID YOU HEAR THAT" from other students always makes me proud

Anzieizna

You Can't Make Fun Of Us! Only We Can!

my dads french, meaning that in sports my family supports france. one day i was talking about the french team on the bus coming home from school and a boy says "france is a shite team" (it was the world cup) and i say "oh,, i didn't know you played for france"

i'll never forget the look on his face

Libzyyyyyy

Opinions May Vary

In school, i was at my Latin class, (it was the end of the day) and my shoe was untied, my friend went up to me and said: "Your shoe is untied"

Without thinking, my first line was: "Your mom is untied"

NOTCbg

Brutal Honesty

This happened years ago when I was Asst. Manager at an Auto Parts store. As a female manager of a male dominated industry I have had many inappropriate remarks. My favorite comeback was when a thief attempting to return a third night in a row asked me, while gyrating his pelvis in my direction, when was the last time I had something "big and black" in me. Without missing a beat and in a fit of disgusted frustration I responded...

"The last time I had something big and black in me was when I sh-tted it out, now get the f*&@ out of my store."

In my defense I had had some serious diarrhea for a few days before this.

Ellisande9

Winning The Family Game

Late to the game, but at Thanksgiving one year, my whole family was sitting around talking, and winning contests came up. One of my brothers looked at me and snarked, "oh yeah, what was the last thing you ever won?"

I looked around the room at all my blood relatives and answered "By the looks of it, the Genetic lottery."

madewithrealgingers

Insults From A Place Of Love

My then-girlfriend & I were arguing over something petty.

"You're heartless"

"Only because you stole it"

She "aww"''d and then went back into argue-mode.

AnnualAntics

Peaked In High School

When I was in high school, a girl that I had dated for a while and broke up with called me about three months afterward. I picked up the phone and said, "Hello?" and she immediately said, "I just want you to know that I'm having much better sex now."

I replied with, "... Well, tell your dad I said congratulations!" and hung up. I have never been that witty since.

reverendjeffy