We all have those days when we wake up, gaze at the time on our phone, take in the sun outside, then whisper in our heads, "Not today."
What do you do, though? Your body is perfectly able to head to work or school and perform the functions required of you? Call in sick? No way, you might think. Your boss/professor will see/hear right through you. If only there was a better way...
That's what the Internet's for.
Reddit user, u/YourAverageReddit0r, must have wanted to know how to get out of work tomorrow when they asked:
What is your best fake-sick advice (school, work, etc.)?
It's All In The Timing
If you hang your head off of your bed upside down you will sound very congested!
Related to this - call right after you wake up. Don't get out of bed, don't say anything before the call. Gives you that nice froggy morning voice. My mom taught me this one.
Imagination Is A Powerful Thing
Anything diarrhea-related will get it done
Just say "I can't leave the bathroom." Let their imagination fill in the rest.
A Lot Of Work When All You Need To Do Is Study
When I was about 11, I didn't want to go to school cause I knew that there would be a test the next day. So I pretended that I feel sick the night before, and the nex morning set the alarm before my mom woke up. I put my hands close to the heat, then to my forehead, and when she checked on me, I said I think I have fever. She let me stay home for that day.
The next day I went to school and found out that the day of the test had been moved to today from my "sick-day" from the day before. I got a D.
A Glass Cannon Excuse
I once called in and said "I can't make it today, I have eye trouble"
"Really? What's wrong?"
" I just can't see me coming to work today"
" Okay, that's actually funny, but it will only work this one time, see you tomorrow"
Plant The Seeds Ahead Of Time
You have to set it up the day before...say you aren't feeling great a little before you leave. Also, if you can come in for just an hour or two and then say you tried but just can't do it that looks really good.
This. You have to make it look like you are coming down with something. Randomly being sick with something one day then fine the next looks suspicious. I would also advise only calling in sick on Mondays and Fridays when it is legit. A lot of people use a fake illness to get a 3 day weekend. Fewer people value getting a Tuesday - Thursday off.
When I fake sick, I usually stay up late on a Tuesday night, so I seem lethargic on Wednesday. If people ask about it, I tell them I'm feeling under the weather and I'm sure it's nothing. (Establish an alibi and that you aren't thinking about taking time off, but don't overdo it) the later in the day, the sicker you should act (within reason). I usually like to leave an hour early on Wednesday if I can. If you've spoken with enough people / the right people, they may even recommend it. Then come Thursday morning, it's really quite natural to take a sick day. Once Friday rolls around, act pretty normal, just be a little slower than normal. When you talk to people, tell them that you're feeling better than yesterday and that you will try to rest up this weekend. Your goal should be to gain sympathy. Because it's Friday, (and I'm still recovering from "being sick") I usually will leave an hour early on Friday. Usually no one will care, as you're recovering from some sickness (I generally a flu like bug, General weakness, achy/feverish, and stomach pain).
Big picture is for you to gain sympathy and make it look like you are trying to be committed to work. Working while you are sick makes you seem more committed to the company and will help you gain rapport for the next time you want to take a day off. I like to spread my "sick days" out. Try not to take more than one a month.
Next time you're sick, be sure to pay attention to the symptoms and the progression of things, use that next time you're planning a day off.
Don't Revisit That Well Too Often
Don't fake sick often, because it will become obvious you're faking it and then no one will believe you when you're actually sick
Ah, the boy who cried diarrhea
See, that story doesn't make sense.
No matter how many times that you scream about being attacked by a wolf, your mom is always going to come running.
Differences In Gender
When I had a male boss I could just say 'cramps' and there would be no further questions.
Now I say migraine.
People Can't Questions What They Can't See
Migraine! Only lasts a day or two, no outward symptoms to fake.
Especially ocular migraine. Can't work through the pain because you can't see.
People Explain Activities They've Added To Their Post-Pandemic Bucket List | George Takei’s Oh Myyy
While we've all been cooped up for the better part of two years, many of us have been dreaming up exciting plans for the future. Maybe it's finally time to s...Keep It Simple
Do people really feel like they have to explain their symptoms to their boss? I just say I'm not feeling well and leave it at that.
I have been a manager for around ten years and I tell my staff if you aren't coming in just tell me you arent coming in.
I dont want to hear about your cat getting out or your grandma dying or your crippling diarrhea.
90% of callouts still involve some long winded explanation. STAHHP.
Seriously. K.I.S.S. (Keep It Simple Stupid)
Don't bother with a lot of explanation. I know my employees are faking when they spend a bunch of time on backstory and details.
"Listen, boss, I can't make it in today. Last night, at precisely 6:33 pm, I ate one dozen oysters at Captain Ken's Seafood Barn. I e-mailed you their most recent health inspection report, on which you'll note that their raw items were stored at an unsafe cold holding temperature. I also have a signed affidavit from the waiter who remarked that 'they smell a little off, but they're probably okay'. At 9:55 pm, I urgently needed to move my bowels, and did so. My stool was quite loose, similar to a Duncan Hines cake batter, but a bit grittier, so maybe closer to the store brand cake batter.
Further bowel movements were produced throughout the night, of gradually runnier consistency. Bowel movements of this nature are expected to continue throughout the day, during which, I will provide detailed updates of their viscosity, which I hope will increase until this evening, so that I will be well enough to work tomorrow without frequent interruptions for emergency bowel movements. So sorry :( bye."
Every country has its stereotypes, but probably one of the most heavily stereotyped and satirically mocked has to be the United States of America.
Funnily enough, there are behaviors and activities a person from America might perform without thinking twice about it, only to totally reveal to someone from another country where they are from.
Redditor DadIsMadAtMe asked:
"What's the most American thing a person can do?"
The Bigger, the Better
"Drive a monster truck."
- vv_bkn
Travel Prepared
"Demand everybody speak English in non-English speaking countries."
- Midnite_St0rm
The Super-Fans of Politics
"To simp for politicians that are actively exploiting them."
- rookie-number
Medical Debt
"Go into medical bankruptcy because they couldn't afford to get their bullet wounds fixed up."
- Aurelion_Sol_Badguy
Worry More about the Cost than the Care
"It's so frustrating, I woke up in the hospital from a skiing accident, and the first thing that came to my mind was, 'S**t, how much is this gonna cost my parents?' It was the first thing I asked my doctor about, too."
- Vellarev
Unique Measurements
"Describe size by the number of football fields."
"And distance is expressed in driving time."
- vaildin
Sports, Guns, and Beer
"I think if a person would get drunk, target practice with their AR-15 on 2-liter bottles of Diet Coke, while wearing their 2017 State Football champions t-shirt and listening to Hank Williams Jr., that's pretty American. It's 100% Missourian, at least."
- Adept_Ad_4369
Move to Florida
"Become Florida Man."
- Lonebadguy
The End of Every Good Recipe?
"Top it with shredded cheese."
- WorldlyPhilosopher
Self-Worth Based on Work
"I’ve been really sick this week. I’ve also felt crushing guilt for not working while out sick. That feels pretty American."
- BrideOfFirkenstein
Stranger Than Fiction
"There was an incredibly popular television series about a government employee who had to become a meth dealer to pay for his medical bills after being diagnosed with cancer… so, I’m gonna go with that." - El_mochilero
Recite Your Family Tree
"Saying 'I’m 2% [insert nationality] because my great-great-great-great-great grandpa was [nationality].'"
- Icy_Veterinarian67
For the Love of Fireworks
"Have an endless supply of fireworks to shoot off for the fourth of July, any sports event, or just at random, but only fire them after finishing half a case of ice-cold beer."
- Kirmickw
Super Bowl Celebrations
"Have a bunch of people over for the Super Bowl, drink beer, and eat Brats and burgers with chips."
"For extra American-ness, make sure you're drinking out of red plastic cups and saying, 'Wooo!' a lot."
- ixamnis
Flags Like Decorations
"As a Canadian, this is one of the things that weirds me out about the US: American flags absolutely EVERYWHERE."
"Especially in small towns, the streets oftentimes look like the backdrop of some kind of military parade on a random Tuesday."
"Yeah, some people up here have the Canadian flag flying in their yard too, and you see them at government buildings and stuff, but it’s nowhere near as prevalent as the Stars and Stripes are in the States."
- SirTophamFat
While some other countries may do some of these things in a more mild way, and while not every American does these things, these stereotypes are undoubtedly American for those who perform them.
Men Confess Whether They'd Date Someone Who Wanted To Wait Until Marriage To Have Sex
Anyone who is single has preferences when seeking a romantic partner, and they are entitled to them.
While some of the qualities they look for can be specific, it isn't too much to ask for these individuals to find someone with whom they can share passions both in and out of the bedroom.
But there are also hard limits, specifically for heterosexual men, when it comes to finding their happily ever after.
Curious to hear from anonymous bachelors online, Redditor Ghostgirl334 asked:
"Men of reddit, would you date a woman who refuses to have sex until marriage, why or why not?"
It turns out everyone has a strong need for release regardless of gender.
The Girl Who Couldn't Wait
"I did that once. She ended up having sex with some other dude lol."
– De4thMonkey
The Convert
"My soon-to-be-ex-wife was initially a 'wait until marriage' woman. I supported that. Until a length of time and she revealed how sexually frustrated she was because I wouldn’t make any moves on her. So once I discovered that, we had a talk and she told me how she didn’t want that anymore. So we started boning semi-regularly and didn’t wait until marriage."
– MatthewM69420
Growing Curiosity
"My now wife was a wait until marriage person. She would sleep in my apartment in college sometimes, I would sleep on the couch. Then she asked if I could sleep in the bed and snuggle. A few nights of that, and she asked if she could see my penis. Then there was touching, then... we were off to the races."
– uncultured_swine2099
Guys talked about women's subconscious prioritizing of sex before marriage.
A Cultural Thing
"Lol similarly I dated a woman who said that she wanted to wait for 'at least a year' to have sex. She then got upset that I wasn't pressuring her into sex. According to her, there was an understanding in her culture that girls will say they don't want sex but the guy should push for it anyway. But as a 19-year old American college student I wasn't about to take any chances with that..."
– PlacatedPlatypus
It's About Fast-Tracking Marriage
"I dated someone that was waiting until marriage, but wasn't against other forms, so it wasn't really that big of an issue. We broke up for other reasons than that, and she got engaged and married about 6 months after to the next guy she dated. If anything, I have found it makes people push marriage faster that are saving themselves for marriage."
– SometimesITalk16
Bad Reasoning
"I know very little about marriage, but I suspect 'let's get married so I can finally experience sex' is a bad reason to get married."
– JADW27
What about religion's role in all of this?
What BYU Students Did
"My brother went to BYU (Brigham Young University), and he had several friends that would drive to Vegas, get married, spend all weekend sex, and then immediately file for an annulment. What some people do to go around some rules for sex in the name of religion, man."
– mothershipq
The One Exception Against Forgiveness
"To rationalize that god is almighty and all knowing also all forgiving but not of sex out of wedlock, but he can be stumped by a 5$ Elvis impersonator and a rickety annulment. It’s preposterous."
– Ikonixed
A Former Mormon Confesses
"Coming from a mormon state, I saw SO much of this. Some seem to be just making the best of their situation, others are doing great, but a very large chunk of them are on the <5 year timeclock towards divorce. It's such a shame that they suggest having kids to revive that passion in the marriage when it fades."
– PromiscuousSalad
What Baptist School Has Taught Me
"Yup I went to a southern baptist school briefly and every single person I met there got married almost immediately after high school, or definitely before they finished college. Saw lots of people pump out 3+ kids and then get a divorce long before they even hit 30. And of course these experiences just reinforced the toxic gender-based ideology they already believed."
– anotsobrightbulb
Observing The Data
"It 100% makes people push marriage faster. I went to a Christian high school. The first like 20-25 people married? All known for being hardcore Christians in school. It’s not even remotely subtle."
– Riperonis
Based on many of the comments, many Redditors agreed that pushing marriage in order to prevent a divine violation demonstrates the system is flawed–especially after many of these precious unions dissolve after having kids.
And conservative Christians argue LGBTQ+ people legally tying the knot is a desecration to preserving the so-called "sanctity of marriage."
Hmm, fine examples these adherents are setting.
If you were a middle schooler in the late 90s or early 2000s, it was hard to walk down a hall without hearing "Oh my God, they killed Kenny!" at least once a day.
When South Park premiered on Comedy Central in the summer of 1997, it not only put the then fledgling cable network on the map, but soon became a phenomenon for it's crude humor, and biting satire.
Be it Tom Cruise and the church of Scientology, Barbra Streisand, or then entire country of Canada, no one was safe from creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone's ridicule.
And every time viewer's thought "Oh, they won't possibly go there", you can be sure they did.
Leaving viewers shocked, amazed, and falling off their chairs laughing.
"What is the best South Park episode?"
...And Yet They Made It Funny...
"'Child Abduction Is not Funny' is my favorite episode."- redbush4real
A Show Set In Colorado Was Bound To Have A Skiing Episode
"I don’t know if it’s the best, but the one we quote the most often is The 80’s skiing movie/timeshare one."
'"STANNNNN DARSH'"
'"dude, he’s got Heather!'"
'"You need a montageeeee."- Bewildered_Wildcat
Lived Up To Its Title...
"'Awesome-o' is definitely my favorite."- Dr-Phil420
eric cartman robot GIF by South Park GiphyThe Only Good Time Anyone Should Have With Weapons
"'Good Times with Weapons', The ninja episode!"- liamsnorthstar
And It Didn't Stand For Marlon Brando Lookalikes...
"Cartman joins NAMBLA."- ycultak
Oh, the Shake Weight...
"Not the * very best* episode of all time, but I'm personally partial to Creme Fraiche."- Colour_me_in_
exercise sharon marsh GIF by South Park GiphyAnd Now They Own It...
"Casa Bonita."- Electrical-Lead5993
The Only Nanny Who Could handle Cartman!
"How has no one mentioned the 'Dog Whisperer' episode?"
"That one was hilarious and probably one of my favorite episodes."- RJValdez216
Butters Better Than Anyone, You Don't Mess With Cartman!
"Anything with Butters."
"His innocence and naivety always leads to hilarity."
"Butters Own Episode is one of my all-time faves."
"Outside of Butters episodes, 'Scott Tenorman Must Die' was fantastic."- tuanies
scared butters stotch GIF by South Park GiphyWhat HASN'T Cartman Gotten Up To?
"'Fatbeard'."
"The way Cartman glorifies living as a Somalian pirate as a fun life of adventure and then actually trying to do it, along with the song, is comedic gold."- htisme91
Tom Cruise Is Still Fuming...
"'Trapped in the Closet'."
"Sure it got Isaac Hayes to quit because Matt and Trey made fun of Scientology, but in all fairness, f*ck Scientology."- No_Restaurant4688
Beware Of Wendy...
"The one where Wendy fights Cartman."- SituationAshamed707
season 20 20x1 GIF by South Park GiphyEnough Said...
"THEY TURK OUR JERBS!!!"- Dr_Hump
And Still One Of The Least Controversial Things Russell Crowe Ever Did...
"MAKIN' MOVIES MAKIN' SONGS AND FIGHTIN' ROUN THE WORLD."- Frosty_Spray_8867
That Final Image Though!
"City sushi and city wok episode made my day."- shadow7658
south park f GIFGiphyWith 321 episodes in the bag, viewers certainly had a lot to choose from.
Now that it's been renewed through 2027, there will be even more hilarious, shocking, and disgusting episodes to choose from.
Always teetering on what some might consider bad consider bad taste.
Everyone agrees that there are far too many professions that do not get the pay and recognition they deserve.
Ironically, many of the people who worked in these professions were deemed "essential workers" during the height of the pandemic, as they were the ones who still had to report to work when everyone else had to work from home.
Even if being "essential" didn't result in higher pay or better benefits for any of them.
Reflecting on this often makes one roll their eyes at how much money people make in jobs that seem anything but "essential."
Professions which some might even argue are preventing the world from becoming a better place.
Or, at the very least, not adding anything all that positive to it.
"What job position is 100% overvalued and overpaid?
And Still have Stubble!
"Gillette 'engineers'."
"They took 5 years to go from 3 blades to 4."- plexxxy
Taking Paid Vacation Days To a whole new Level
"Member of the International Olympic Committee (IOC)."
"They've had a lengthy history of excessive demands ($4 million US spent on 'entertainment' in Nagano, traffic lanes dedicated to IOC members during the games, etc.)."
"They make very few decisions, all of which are politically motivated."
"They travel extensively and are paid well for it."- brighter_hell
The Least He Could Do Is Show Up!
"My IT director."
"He's never around, automates his email, and he has his own company."- ds_vii·
James Willems Tech Support GIF by Rooster TeethGiphyCase By Case Basis...
"If someone else is 'Regional VP' they are either drowning in responsibilities working 70 hrs a week; or they have absolutely nothing to do other than collecting a check."- drchris6000
AKA, Professional Joy Rider!
"Ferrari strategist."- sakbak
Pay Raise With No Added Responsibilities
"Generally, US government contractor positions requiring high security clearances."
"Entry level pay isn't that high, but once you're cleared other contractors will offer bigger bucks because you can get cleared with them quickly."
"Jump from one to another, wait two years, do it again, lather, rinse, repeat."-
Chicago Fire Nbc GIF by One ChicagoGiphySeems Like She's The One Reaping The Rewards...
"My mum from whom I am estranged works as the vice president of reward at an international company."
"She basically arranges contracts so millionaires can get more money and gets paid 189,000 pounds a year for it."
"Even she thinks it’s ridiculous."- NZKhrushchev
Football Has Its Problems... No Matter Which One You're Referring To!
"President of FIFA."- LucyVialli
If You Ever Wonder Why Your Tuition Is So High...
"About two-thirds of the upper-level admins at the university I work for."- min_mus
season 3 netflix GIF by Gilmore Girls GiphySeriously Though, Don't Underestimate Great Childcare
"One night I babysat three kids for about 2 hours or so."
"The kids went to bed when I got there, and the parents had left dinner out for me, so all I did was eat their food and watch their TV and pet their dogs."
"When they got home the mom paid me $100."
"I told her that was way too much."
"She slurred 'Don't worry about it, I'm drunk'."
"And then I noticed her fly was down."
"So that was the most over paid job ever lol."- RootMan322
No Raise For Turbulence...
"My uncle was a commercial airline pilot."
"He described his job as 'vastly overpaid in normal circumstances and vastly underpaid in emergency situations'.”- idreallyrathernotktx
Problems In The American Healthcare System? The Very Thought!
"Hospital CEO’s."
"And actually almost all hospital upper management."
"There are so many layers of management that many of them barely step foot into a healthcare facility EVER, let alone EVER speak to a patient, yet all of them make 6, 7, 8 figure salaries plus mega bonuses."
"My hospital network CEO makes $11 million salary, not including bonuses, which bothers me, but bothers me even more are all the board members and sh*t directly under him making nearly as much."
"It’s hundreds of millions of wasted money paid to the people trying to screw staff out of good pay and screwing patients into paying big bills."- Uajpqsa
emergency room doctor GIF by South Park GiphyApparently You Have To Pay To Find Out...
"I still don't know what big-firm 'consultants' do."- moeriscus
Paid Naps...
"My last job in college, before starting my career."
"I was an overnight shelter staff for transitional housing.'
"Since these clients were basically back up on their feet by the time they arrived, they were pretty self-sufficient."
"I was paid about 25% higher than other night-shift jobs I could get at the time, and on most nights all I had to do was make one pot of coffee."
"The rest of the time I could watch TV, play video games, do personal chores, etc."
"The one job that I know was better was their overnight sleeper, since we had to have two staff at all times."
"As implied, this dude made a well-above minimum wage rate to just sleep there on the weekends."- EleanorSofia
When Misfortune Works In Your Favor...
"The one I had at my last office job."
"I was originally hired to be the manager of a new project, but the project was never launched and I had a long term contract."
"After 5 months of being paid by only clocking in and out without doing any actual work, someone saw me in the pool for available associates and invited me to join their project as a frontline agent."
"Apparently at some moment the database just marked me as an available employee, without mentioning the rank I had been hired for."
"I stayed in the company for 6 years, getting paid the salary of a manager, but with the responsibilities of a regular agent."
"I rejected every offer for 'growth' I had, as I was only working there to pay for a debt."
"In the end, I made my money with very little stress, and left the company in great terms."- flacocaradeperro
martin freeman sleeping GIFGiphyIt's a pretty sobering thought, indeed, to know that there are people getting paid a sizable salary in addition to benefits.
When some people finish a night shift, only to get an hour of sleep before heading to their next job to make sure they can pay their rent.
The world we live in...