We all have those days when we wake up, gaze at the time on our phone, take in the sun outside, then whisper in our heads, "Not today."
What do you do, though? Your body is perfectly able to head to work or school and perform the functions required of you? Call in sick? No way, you might think. Your boss/professor will see/hear right through you. If only there was a better way...
That's what the Internet's for.
Reddit user, u/YourAverageReddit0r, must have wanted to know how to get out of work tomorrow when they asked:
What is your best fake-sick advice (school, work, etc.)?
It's All In The Timing
If you hang your head off of your bed upside down you will sound very congested!
Related to this - call right after you wake up. Don't get out of bed, don't say anything before the call. Gives you that nice froggy morning voice. My mom taught me this one.
Imagination Is A Powerful Thing
Anything diarrhea-related will get it done
Just say "I can't leave the bathroom." Let their imagination fill in the rest.
A Lot Of Work When All You Need To Do Is Study
When I was about 11, I didn't want to go to school cause I knew that there would be a test the next day. So I pretended that I feel sick the night before, and the nex morning set the alarm before my mom woke up. I put my hands close to the heat, then to my forehead, and when she checked on me, I said I think I have fever. She let me stay home for that day.
The next day I went to school and found out that the day of the test had been moved to today from my "sick-day" from the day before. I got a D.
A Glass Cannon Excuse
I once called in and said "I can't make it today, I have eye trouble"
"Really? What's wrong?"
" I just can't see me coming to work today"
" Okay, that's actually funny, but it will only work this one time, see you tomorrow"
Plant The Seeds Ahead Of Time
You have to set it up the day before...say you aren't feeling great a little before you leave. Also, if you can come in for just an hour or two and then say you tried but just can't do it that looks really good.
This. You have to make it look like you are coming down with something. Randomly being sick with something one day then fine the next looks suspicious. I would also advise only calling in sick on Mondays and Fridays when it is legit. A lot of people use a fake illness to get a 3 day weekend. Fewer people value getting a Tuesday - Thursday off.
When I fake sick, I usually stay up late on a Tuesday night, so I seem lethargic on Wednesday. If people ask about it, I tell them I'm feeling under the weather and I'm sure it's nothing. (Establish an alibi and that you aren't thinking about taking time off, but don't overdo it) the later in the day, the sicker you should act (within reason). I usually like to leave an hour early on Wednesday if I can. If you've spoken with enough people / the right people, they may even recommend it. Then come Thursday morning, it's really quite natural to take a sick day. Once Friday rolls around, act pretty normal, just be a little slower than normal. When you talk to people, tell them that you're feeling better than yesterday and that you will try to rest up this weekend. Your goal should be to gain sympathy. Because it's Friday, (and I'm still recovering from "being sick") I usually will leave an hour early on Friday. Usually no one will care, as you're recovering from some sickness (I generally a flu like bug, General weakness, achy/feverish, and stomach pain).
Big picture is for you to gain sympathy and make it look like you are trying to be committed to work. Working while you are sick makes you seem more committed to the company and will help you gain rapport for the next time you want to take a day off. I like to spread my "sick days" out. Try not to take more than one a month.
Next time you're sick, be sure to pay attention to the symptoms and the progression of things, use that next time you're planning a day off.
Don't Revisit That Well Too Often
Don't fake sick often, because it will become obvious you're faking it and then no one will believe you when you're actually sick
Ah, the boy who cried diarrhea
See, that story doesn't make sense.
No matter how many times that you scream about being attacked by a wolf, your mom is always going to come running.
Differences In Gender
When I had a male boss I could just say 'cramps' and there would be no further questions.
Now I say migraine.
People Can't Questions What They Can't See
Migraine! Only lasts a day or two, no outward symptoms to fake.
Especially ocular migraine. Can't work through the pain because you can't see.
People Explain Activities They've Added To Their Post-Pandemic Bucket List | George Takei’s Oh Myyy
While we've all been cooped up for the better part of two years, many of us have been dreaming up exciting plans for the future. Maybe it's finally time to s...Keep It Simple
Do people really feel like they have to explain their symptoms to their boss? I just say I'm not feeling well and leave it at that.
I have been a manager for around ten years and I tell my staff if you aren't coming in just tell me you arent coming in.
I dont want to hear about your cat getting out or your grandma dying or your crippling diarrhea.
90% of callouts still involve some long winded explanation. STAHHP.
Seriously. K.I.S.S. (Keep It Simple Stupid)
Don't bother with a lot of explanation. I know my employees are faking when they spend a bunch of time on backstory and details.
"Listen, boss, I can't make it in today. Last night, at precisely 6:33 pm, I ate one dozen oysters at Captain Ken's Seafood Barn. I e-mailed you their most recent health inspection report, on which you'll note that their raw items were stored at an unsafe cold holding temperature. I also have a signed affidavit from the waiter who remarked that 'they smell a little off, but they're probably okay'. At 9:55 pm, I urgently needed to move my bowels, and did so. My stool was quite loose, similar to a Duncan Hines cake batter, but a bit grittier, so maybe closer to the store brand cake batter.
Further bowel movements were produced throughout the night, of gradually runnier consistency. Bowel movements of this nature are expected to continue throughout the day, during which, I will provide detailed updates of their viscosity, which I hope will increase until this evening, so that I will be well enough to work tomorrow without frequent interruptions for emergency bowel movements. So sorry :( bye."
Don't be alarmed: There are some terrible corporations out there (looking at you, Nestle) but there are also some great brands that are selling decent products.
I know, surprising, right? Maybe we've all just gotten used to brands selling things of questionable quality that when we stumble across something worthwhile it stuns us.
Hold on tight when you find a brand deserving of your loyalty!
People shared their thoughts with us after Redditor spwf asked the online community,
"What brand(s) do you swear by and why?"
"Their cast iron pans..."
"Lodge. Their cast iron pans are super durable and can last a lifetime."
StillForest989
Not just a lifetime. Your Lodge cast iron will outlive you, if (and even if you don’t) take care of it. Even if they get rusty they can be resurfaced. And damn is it satisfying to resurface a forgotten cast iron pan.
Asics, specifically the Gel-Nimbus series. I've suffered from joint pain and unbearable plantar fasciitis from a relatively young age... These shoes are life savers. Very pricey and I don't love the look of tennis shoes of any type but nevertheless I will praise these shoes to the end of days. Hopefully, I will always be able to afford them once a year.
Glad to hear you've found some much-needed relief!
"Warranty and service..."
"Victorinox. Excellent pocket knives, multi tools and their kitchen knives are probably the best ones you can get under 100 USD. Warranty and service is top notch."
CharacterComb3039
Anyone who cooks, but can't afford or doesn't want to invest in a professional-grade chef's knife should get a Victorinox. They aren't nearly as good as a top tier professional chef's knife, but they are night and day compared with everything else in their price range.
"This one brand..."
"This one brand of granola bars called Sunbelt Bakery. Every other granola bar brand is so dry I can't eat them anymore."
[deleted]
Yes, these are so good! An excellent choice.
"Very comfortable."
"Dickies. High quality pants. They're meant to be work pants so they're pretty durable and breathe well. Very comfortable."
GargantuanCake
"High quality" is right. Those pants last forever.
"It helps clean..."
"Dawn dishsoap. It helps clean dishes and it's great when one of my kids has an accident and I have to wash their clothes. Sometimes leaves a small stain but no smell. It has saved so many outfits."
[deleted]
Fantastic – it sounds like you should be their salesperson.
"They don't use..."
"New Balance. They don't use slave labor to make shoes."
Tink2013
They are comfortable and fit well.
I personally still don't like the aesthetics of many of their shoes, but still recommend them to people who want a good shoe.
"They are a retailer..."
"REI. Stand behind everything in their store. They are a retailer but you can beat something up they sell and they give you a full refund."
bigturkey1738
Many people use them for shoes, for camping gear... all kinds of stuff. They're very reliable.
"I wear my Timberland boots..."
"I wear my Timberland boots almost every day, I’ve had them for almost ten years, and they’re still just about as sturdy as they were the day I bought them."
RedWestern
These shoes tend to last forever. "Durable" is the perfect word.
"One large bottle..."
"Dr. Bronner's Castile soap. One large bottle lasts me about a year and I use it for everything. No toxic BS in them like pretty much every other soap and they smell fantastic."
"Also when I say everything I really mean it. All purpose cleaner, dish soap, body wash, shampoo, carpet extractor wash, dog shampoo, it’s called 18 in 1 for a reason."
drumkid74
If you're interested in the story behind the company, the documentary Dr. Bronner's Magic Soapbox might be right up your alley.
See? Not all brands are terrible. After reading about some of these, it might be time to change of your buying habits.
Have some suggestions of your own? Tell us more in the comments below!
You know what would be great?
If society could just stop with arbitrary dress codes. If you're not working with the public, why should you have to dress up so much? If you're a police officer, then it makes sense that you'd wear a uniform that identifies you as a police officer. If you're Ted from IT who sits in the backroom all day, I really don't see why you have to come in every day in a suit and tie.
Let's just toss them out, shall we?
People shared their thoughts with us after Redditor Levels2ThisBrush asked the online community,
"What should be socially acceptable but isn't?"
"Leaving the office..."
"Leaving the office whenever you've finished your tasks for the day."
misringuette
This is why I'm so glad remote work is the new office.
"And yet, I get it!"
"Taking off sick from work, WITHOUT giving an invasive reason. I supervise a small team and so I see all the OOO emails, and for gods sake I want people to PLEASE not feel the need to explain in detail what kind of diarrhea is afflicting them, or how bad their period cramps are, or how much bad sushi they ate the night before. Just say “I’m under the weather, I won’t be online today.”"
"And yet, I get it! I do it too! I feel guilty or like I’ll be looked at with suspicion if my reason for taking off isn’t sufficiently debilitating enough!"
"But… we need to stop this. As a manager I don’t care, I don’t THINK the people above me who are also on these emails care… let’s just all agree to take sick days without any details from now on!"
imnotwallaceshawn
I do not miss my retail days where I had to organise someone to cover me and beg on bended knee.
"Cashiers or workers who don’t need to be standing all day not having a stool or chair."
Lavatories
Another thing I do not miss from my retail days. Having to stand for hours and hours only to come home with my feet killing me was not fun.
"Prices on apartments..."
"Prices on apartments and their respectable reasons for such price directly on their websites or advertising without the need for a tour or any secrecy."
Spiceinvader3124
I always assume if I have to ask the price I probably can’t afford it.
"Being quiet..."
"Being quiet/not wanting to engage in conversation all the time."
[deleted]
In Finland, if somebody tries to talk to you, they are probably a tourist.
"Choosing not to..."
"Choosing not to have toxic family members in your life."
[deleted]
It feels very liberating once you accept that you don't have to put up with it.
"Employees..."
"Employees calling customers out in public for being a**holes."
gameboy1001
Absolutely. Many customers get away with treating employees horribly because they know they can do it without any pushback... most of the time.
"The fact that I sometimes..."
"The fact that I sometimes need to take my insulin in public. No, Karen, I am not doing drugs, I need to live."
blubberwinx
You’re getting that sweet sweet insulin high… the high of being not-dead.
"Afternoon naps."
"Afternoon naps. I’m on team nap. Give me 25 minutes to charge up and I’ll give you back 3 hours of high quality work. Everyone wins. Plus I go home with extra energy instead of dead tired."
Governmentwatchlist
Short naps don't work for me. I can't do a 25 min recharge. When I take a nap it needs to be like a solid 2 hours
"Speak up!"
"Salary transparency. For some reason, in the US, there’s a taboo or stigma around discussing one’s salary. This should be done openly and freely, with zero embarrassment or judgment. The only winners from avoiding these conversations are the corporations that are able to pay people differently for the same roles. Speak up!"
Jumping_Bear
The "for some reason" you're referring to is simply propaganda on behalf of corporations.
It's evident that something's got to change around here, and we're mad as hell and we're not going to take it anymore!
Have some observations of your own? Feel free to tell us more in the comments below!
As much as many of us don't like to disrupt the status quo, there is only so much time a person can tolerate a miserable situation before things become so unbearable that they ultimately have to peace out.
For some people, it takes a while for them to reach a breaking point. Eventually, there comes a time when they realize their self-worth is more important than continuing to please others who don't appreciate them for the sake of keeping up with appearances.
Curious to hear from people whose patience ran thin and made a strong decision, Reddit Prestigious-Order-62 asked:
"What made you say 'f'k this sh*t im out?'"
The unwarranted reprimanding was something that was never mentioned in the initial job description.
Feeling Criminal
"In the late 90’s."
"One time I got pulled into the Security office at a Department store I worked at. They accused me of constantly using the sales day coupons for people that didn’t present one (we always kept an extra copy at each register). I had watched my own department boss do it many times so I assumed it was okay. We didn’t even collect the coupons to be counted for the cash office, we just chucked them after use."
"They claimed I lost the store hundreds of dollars and had been watching me 'for months' do this awful, unforgivable crime for people spending 90 bucks on already bloated price designer jeans. I’m sure the occasional 10% discount was just devastating. 🙄""I got this huge lecture of how I was LITERALLY stealing from the store and they COULD call the police but would give me a chance to work off the damage. I couldn’t believe how criminal I was made to feel over it. The best part when they called my boss in who pretended to have never done it before to save her own a**."
"I asked if they were firing me. They said 'Yes and No. You will be let go, but you can choose to work off the damages so we don’t take you to court.' I told them I will just quit and asked for my last check. They said they will deduct what I owe from my last check. And I said 'Well then you need to show me all the footage and prove that I was stealing.' They wouldn’t produce footage, finally called the cops, and when the cops arrived, they were just as confused and called it an internal problem and advised them that this was overblown. I think they felt sorry for me. So finally upper management came in and just said 'just issue the last check, I will sign it here.' So much drama over so stupid a thing."
"It was sad because that actual day my Mom and daughter had come to the mall to meet me for lunch and I had to explain I just was forced to quit that job and was never allowed in that store again like I was some awful jerk."
"It was nice a few short years later, the entire chain bankrupted."
– Munich11
Power Trip
"A coworker waited until we were in front of a large group of people to start 'disciplining' me for something 'wrong' I did (I took my lunch 15 mins late to help another coworker) when she wasn’t even my supervisor. Applied for a job transfer the next day and couldn’t be happier where I am now."
– _shes_a_jar
Abusive Boss
"I had a piece of sh*t of a boss. He'd praise you in private but berate you in public. In front of coworkers and customers. Always about stuff that didn't matter."
"He'd also happily break company policy to side with customers after you spent an hour telling a customer you can't give them stuff for free, for example. Any time he was around, everything was miserable."
"My only regret is that I wasn't there to see him marched out by corporate when he got fired, because I had gone on to a better job by then."
– redisforever
Human Punching Bag
"I used to work in a Kitchen at a pub, it was grim work, but I had freinds there and had worked there for 3 years, So it wasn't too bad."
"One Christmas season we were being absolutely pumped, full out functions and busy services. My boss at the time was very stressed and fair enough, We were busy, We were all working overtime and full out. He used any excuse to completely blow up and absolutely scream at me for little to no reason, essentially him yelling at me was his stress relief. But fine, whatever, kitchens are rough places, no appolagies or anything, move on."
"I then go away for 3 weeks over the Christmas holidays and spend the time road tripping around the country having an amazing time."
"First shift back, not pleased being back, he makes a snarky comment."
"F'k this, Im out."
– Freddy54323
Even though these employees weren't chewed out in front of co-workers, the low salary without room for negotiation made them not wanting to stick around for much longer.
You Only Get One Job
"They cut my hours so I had to get a second job. 3 days before I was supposed to start said second job, my manager at the main job told me that I couldn't get this second job because I had main job first and I needed to make it my priority. That's when I said f'k you and left. I didn't even give a notice, I literally just sent an email saying I wouldn't be coming in the next day, grabbed my sh*t and went home."
– ginger_princess2009
Meager Wage
"I used to work Retail and after 7 years at the company, I found out I was only making 50 cents more an hour than someone who just started yesterday. I understood if they couldn't pay me more and asked for a good schedule. 7-3 or 8-4 every day and the same two days off every week. I didn't even ask for weekends off."
"I was told that they couldn't give me a good schedule so I quit."
– maybeashly
Situations weren't much different outside the work place. Social dilemmas prompted these Redditors to say, "nope."
Rude Reception
"Went to a pub because a friend kept asking. When I got there, he was with a group of people I didn't know, so I introduced myself and got the next round. As I come back with the tray, I hear them saying something along the lines of 'why is that b*tch still here? I thought she was just supposed to drop off a bicycle?' 'Ya, we don't want her to come to <this other town with more pubs> and now she is drinking with us?' 'She's so dumb' *proceeds to imitate and ridicule me as I was actively listening and nodding when I was having a conversation with my friend."
"Gave the beer to random people and walked right out after saying good evening to my friend and briefly explaining I did not appreciate being tricked into being a bicycle taxi for people who hate me directly after meeting me."
– ILikeLamas678
A Shocking Incident
"I was on my boat fishing for bass. I casted out my line and watched the lure hit the water but the line just floated in the air. Lightning and thunder crashed and the line fell to the water. F'k this sh*t, I'm out."
– fsh4fun051
Femme Fatale
"She lined my bed with broken glass put the blankets over it and I dove on in lol."
"Edit: She was violent/crazy and on drugs, was like the 20th attack I took and that made me really think lol."
– MyLifeForAuir1Ally For The Ex
"I found nudes of his ex (from ten years ago) that I’d previously asked him twice to get rid of tucked in a pair of MY socks. Our couples counselor asked why he’d kept them and he said, 'You know. In case I ever needed to blackmail her.' He said it like it was a perfectly normal and reasonable thing to plan to do. The therapist and I locked eyes and I noped the f'k out of there and moved out."
– Previous_Mood_3251
Most of these Redditors realized leaving their situation was better than dealing with the consequences of sticking around.
The latter is never a good option. Why remain in a scenario you know is already going to consume your soul?
The lesson for today is–Don't be miserable. Your sanity is worth saving.
Besides, you would never know that something better awaits if you just don't get the F out.
As we enter into the summer months, people now have to decide whether or not they want their morning coffee to be hot or iced.
Lucky for them, it's delicious either way.
One could make an argument that foods that are equally delicious hot or cold are perhaps the best, or at least the most reliable.
And this can include foods which are not customarily sold both hot and cold (cold pizza anyone?).
Redditor NectarineOther4989 was curious to hear which foods people enjoy either hot or cold, leading them to ask:
"What is something that tastes good both hot and cold?"
Fresh out of the oven, or the next day!
"Cookies."- SuvenPan
Chocolate withstands all temperatrues
"Brownies."- Reasonable-Software2
Chocolate Satisfying GIF by HuffPostCan't go wrong with fruit and pastry
"Pie."
"Apple pie."- Hak_Saw5000
This doesn't only apply to food
"Revenge."- pushthestartbutton
karine vanasse revenge GIF by HULUGiphyLet the flavor develop
"Banana bread."
"2 totally different flavors depending on warm vs cold from fridge."- nonkowledge
So many to choose from!
"Sandwiches."- Designer-Usual1691
A matter of textural preference
"Cheese, ya fools."- eat_dontpray_love
Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs Eating GIFGiphyUnder a hot greek sun, or during a cold winter's eve.
"Spanakopita."- mrsxpando
While there's no better smell than a batch of chocolate chip cookies fresh out of the oven, those eating them the next day likely aren't missing out either.