We all have those days when we wake up, gaze at the time on our phone, take in the sun outside, then whisper in our heads, "Not today."
What do you do, though? Your body is perfectly able to head to work or school and perform the functions required of you? Call in sick? No way, you might think. Your boss/professor will see/hear right through you. If only there was a better way...
That's what the Internet's for.
Reddit user, u/YourAverageReddit0r, must have wanted to know how to get out of work tomorrow when they asked:
It's All In The Timing
If you hang your head off of your bed upside down you will sound very congested!
Related to this - call right after you wake up. Don't get out of bed, don't say anything before the call. Gives you that nice froggy morning voice. My mom taught me this one.
Imagination Is A Powerful Thing
Anything diarrhea-related will get it done
Just say "I can't leave the bathroom." Let their imagination fill in the rest.
A Lot Of Work When All You Need To Do Is Study
When I was about 11, I didn't want to go to school cause I knew that there would be a test the next day. So I pretended that I feel sick the night before, and the nex morning set the alarm before my mom woke up. I put my hands close to the heat, then to my forehead, and when she checked on me, I said I think I have fever. She let me stay home for that day.
The next day I went to school and found out that the day of the test had been moved to today from my "sick-day" from the day before. I got a D.
A Glass Cannon Excuse
I once called in and said "I can't make it today, I have eye trouble"
"Really? What's wrong?"
" I just can't see me coming to work today"
" Okay, that's actually funny, but it will only work this one time, see you tomorrow"
Plant The Seeds Ahead Of Time
You have to set it up the day before...say you aren't feeling great a little before you leave. Also, if you can come in for just an hour or two and then say you tried but just can't do it that looks really good.
This. You have to make it look like you are coming down with something. Randomly being sick with something one day then fine the next looks suspicious. I would also advise only calling in sick on Mondays and Fridays when it is legit. A lot of people use a fake illness to get a 3 day weekend. Fewer people value getting a Tuesday - Thursday off.
When I fake sick, I usually stay up late on a Tuesday night, so I seem lethargic on Wednesday. If people ask about it, I tell them I'm feeling under the weather and I'm sure it's nothing. (Establish an alibi and that you aren't thinking about taking time off, but don't overdo it) the later in the day, the sicker you should act (within reason). I usually like to leave an hour early on Wednesday if I can. If you've spoken with enough people / the right people, they may even recommend it. Then come Thursday morning, it's really quite natural to take a sick day. Once Friday rolls around, act pretty normal, just be a little slower than normal. When you talk to people, tell them that you're feeling better than yesterday and that you will try to rest up this weekend. Your goal should be to gain sympathy. Because it's Friday, (and I'm still recovering from "being sick") I usually will leave an hour early on Friday. Usually no one will care, as you're recovering from some sickness (I generally a flu like bug, General weakness, achy/feverish, and stomach pain).
Big picture is for you to gain sympathy and make it look like you are trying to be committed to work. Working while you are sick makes you seem more committed to the company and will help you gain rapport for the next time you want to take a day off. I like to spread my "sick days" out. Try not to take more than one a month.
Next time you're sick, be sure to pay attention to the symptoms and the progression of things, use that next time you're planning a day off.
Don't Revisit That Well Too Often
Don't fake sick often, because it will become obvious you're faking it and then no one will believe you when you're actually sick
Ah, the boy who cried diarrhea
See, that story doesn't make sense.
No matter how many times that you scream about being attacked by a wolf, your mom is always going to come running.
Differences In Gender
When I had a male boss I could just say 'cramps' and there would be no further questions.
Now I say migraine.
People Can't Questions What They Can't See
Migraine! Only lasts a day or two, no outward symptoms to fake.
Especially ocular migraine. Can't work through the pain because you can't see.
People Explain Activities They've Added To Their Post-Pandemic Bucket List | George Takei’s Oh MyyyWhile we've all been cooped up for the better part of two years, many of us have been dreaming up exciting plans for the future. Maybe it's finally time to s...
Keep It Simple
Do people really feel like they have to explain their symptoms to their boss? I just say I'm not feeling well and leave it at that.
I have been a manager for around ten years and I tell my staff if you aren't coming in just tell me you arent coming in.
I dont want to hear about your cat getting out or your grandma dying or your crippling diarrhea.
90% of callouts still involve some long winded explanation. STAHHP.
Seriously. K.I.S.S. (Keep It Simple Stupid)
Don't bother with a lot of explanation. I know my employees are faking when they spend a bunch of time on backstory and details.
"Listen, boss, I can't make it in today. Last night, at precisely 6:33 pm, I ate one dozen oysters at Captain Ken's Seafood Barn. I e-mailed you their most recent health inspection report, on which you'll note that their raw items were stored at an unsafe cold holding temperature. I also have a signed affidavit from the waiter who remarked that 'they smell a little off, but they're probably okay'. At 9:55 pm, I urgently needed to move my bowels, and did so. My stool was quite loose, similar to a Duncan Hines cake batter, but a bit grittier, so maybe closer to the store brand cake batter.
Further bowel movements were produced throughout the night, of gradually runnier consistency. Bowel movements of this nature are expected to continue throughout the day, during which, I will provide detailed updates of their viscosity, which I hope will increase until this evening, so that I will be well enough to work tomorrow without frequent interruptions for emergency bowel movements. So sorry :( bye."
"What makes someone bad in bed?"
WHERE TO BEGIN?!
The list is endless.
Half the time all it takes to be better is a little effort.
"What makes someone bad in bed?"
I love sex. But it can be stressful. I've always found connection to be one of the best lessons.
CommunicationsGIF by HULUGiphy
Take it Slow
"No foreplay and not caring if your partner is enjoying it."
"Proposing mid intercourse."
Talk to Me
"Friction isn’t always a good thing."
YuckBored Larry Bird GIF by SB NationGiphy
"To this you can add unclipped fingernails."
"And dirty fingernails. Nah, ma'am. I’m betting this is not worth the infection. Thanks."
‘good at sex’
FlavorsAmanda Seales Wow GIF by truTVGiphy
Sex. Let's be better at it.
Do you have similar experiences to share? Let us know in the comments below.
Love is so elusive these days isn't it?
Who knows what anyone is looking for in the relationship department anymore.
It's all too exhausting.
But people we keep trying.
"Why are you single right now?"
I'm single because I've given up. And I'm good. For now.
PeaceSnoop Dogg Reaction GIFGiphy
"I put absolutely no effort into meeting someone."
"Hard to meet people when you are a hermit."
"I have too many unsolved issues, i can't in good conscience bring someone else into them."
truthCaptain America Lol GIF by mtvGiphy
"Supply chain issue."
"Best answer here."
That's funny. But it feels oddly true.
Ahhh...Think Winnie The Pooh GIFGiphy
"I'm attracted to many, and unattractive to all."
Bad LoopSeth Meyers Whatever GIF by Late Night with Seth MeyersGiphy
"Because my relationships end before they even begin."
"This is my story right here."
Alright. Now that we've laid out all the excuses, let's get to matching with some people.
There is no bigger mystery than what happens to us after we die.
"If heaven exists, what’s the first thing you’d do?"
Overcome with joy
"In all reality?"
"If Heaven exists, like 50% of the awesomeness is just the very fact that it exists."heaven gate GIF by South Park Giphy
A re-match long in the making
"Ask my childhood friend Kevon for a race."
"He used to beat me handily when were younger (9-13) and he’d always brag."
"When I got older and faster I moved away so I was never able to race him again."
"I wanna race him both in our prime."- Abethegreat1
Reunite with loved ones
"Find my husband, give him a huge hug and never let go again."
"Live our forever together."
"I f*cking love him and miss him so much."- jessdfrench
"Embrace my sweet wife and tell her how proud I am of the kids."- RifleShower
"Try to find my brother."
"Man, I miss him."
"He died in 2020 at age 34."- grummlinds1
"Give my mum and dad a big hug."- goonerjack007Miss U GIF by GIPHY Studios OriginalsGiphy
Achieve the "firsts" we never got to do
"Find my son and have a beer with him."
"Something we never got to do in real life."- tanukis_parachute
Hone new skills
"Try to play Smoke on the water on my harp."- Ashtar-the-Squid
The joy of doing nothing
"Rest."- BanzaikoowaidCare Free Black Girls GIF by AuroraDrawsGiphy
Live on without pain
"Enjoy my healthy back without pain."- Knackbein_
Who knows what's in store for us after our lives come to an end.
But the first word in that term can be misleading.
Indeed, some "fun facts" reveal information that isn't remotely "fun" in the slightes.
What's a 'fun fact' that isn’t fun at all?"
Ironically, something you likely don't think about...
"Your brain blocks you from feeling your organs moving around inside you."- Aydengeist06
Try watching Finding Nemonow...
"Only one in a thousand sea turtles born actually make it to adulthood."- Sebs_123
Shocking new light on an age old classic
"In the books, Stuart Little was never explicitly called a mouse."
"He's pretty much described as a deformed mouse-esque person born form human parents."- Red_Beard47stuart little mouse GIF by VIASAT3Giphy
Nature running it's course...
"There's a bird that feeds its younger offspring to the eldest."- Teacup_Cult
I have no allergies... yet
"Not very fun."- smallemochick
Those poor, innocent creatures.
They'd still be here if they weren't so delicious...
"Giant tortoise meat was supposedly better tasting than chicken."
"It's fat tasted better spread on bread than butter."
"Not to mention, because they evolved without humans, they were easy to hunt."
"You could tie one to your back, and roll another to the ship and they would just let you."
"Conversely, the dodo, while as easily captured by sailors, tasted awful."
"It was completely unpalatable."
Don't forget the nose plugs
"Antarctica smells like penguin poop."
"Antarctica is a desert, it is too cold for bacteria to live."
"Nothing there to clean up penguin droppings."
"If you are close enough to see penguins, you will also smell them."- gummby8
Makes those long lines so worth it...
"The TSA missed 96% of contraband during an inspection in 2015."- omegasix321All Falls Down Tsa GIF by Kanye WestGiphy
Oh yeah, probably not....