It's a lovely night out with you and your significant other. You're attending a family party, or perhaps a friend's birthday celebration, and the everything is going swimmingly. Suddenly, a cold chill runs through the air, zapping every hair on your neck. You feel it coming towards you. Your overachieving friend Margie just needs to know when her 5 kids can have their next playdate friend. They come over and ask that question no one wants to hear. "Sooooo, when are you guys having kids!?"
What do you even say to that?
Reddit user, u/JessaBlanka, wanted to know the best answers ever given, in an attempt to help out childless couples, when they asked:
What is your best response to "when are you having kids" questions?
Let Them Know It's Not Always A Successful Process
It used to be
"When I stop having miscarriages"
Yeah its awkward, rude and impersonal, because your QUESTION was awkward, rude and too personal.
My husband's uncle asked and I told him flatly that we'd been trying for a while. He replied. "Too much information!!" I'm still pissed about it.
Let Them Know About Your Equipment
They even have the gall to look shocked I'd say something so personal and blunt. Like yeah, ya a-hole, that's how I felt when you asked me about my ability to have kids.
Gonna use this on m to GF's mom next time she asks.
Let Them Know There's No More Bullets In The Chamber
My husband had a vasectomy, so probably not til my next marriage.
Let Them Know Where Your Real Interests Are
"Actually," gazes adoringly at spouse, "we're planning on adopting a highway."
Let Them Know About The Hard Hours Put In
Practice makes pregnant.
Let Them Know To Look To The Seas
"When the sun rises in the west and sets in the east. When the seas go dry and mountains blow in the wind like leaves."
God: Hey, you know what would be fun? Just as a little experiment?
Angel: Oh no
God: does exactly this
Let Them Know What It'll Cost You
"When we get sick of having all this money and freedom"
This is the best one
Stealing this one.
Let Them Know The Delivery Policy
"I don't know. They should have been here by now, I ordered them like an hour ago and I'm starving. I'll call the restaurant."
That was almost a dad joke. You're a father in the making whether you like it or not.
Let Them Know That YOU Know
When are you going to tell your husband about your side piece?
That was my response. I don't have much of a filter for invasive stuff.
I knew about her cheating on her husband with someone. She didn't know that I knew. Shut that sh-t down fast. Also, she was a nosey a-- co-worker that ended up getting fired shortly later.
Did the husband ever find out?
I'm assuming so. She was the kind of person that had some sort of personal tragedy going on all of the time. Usually it was self-inflicted. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't already expect it.
Let Them Know What's What
I make solid eye contact and say "You know I can't have kids. Thanks for reminding me."
Then I enjoy the silence.
I have some reproductive issues that will make having a baby really horrible and I just don't want to go through it. Neither does my husband. We plan to adopt when he's done with law school. But that's OUR business and the question is rude as f-ck, so I make it as uncomfortable as I can.
I'm in the same situation. I end with a "seems like it's just not in the cards for us" with a shrug. When they inevitably bring up adoption, I let them know that it costs about $30,000, which my husband and I don't have.
Let Them Know That It'll Cost THEM
"Are you going to pay for them?"
This would backfire as my mom would immediately say yes.
Let Them Know You're Missing Essential Personnel
We keep trying but it hasn't happened yet! We're both men, and it got my mom to stop asking.
Let Them Regret Asking
I say, "well we're going to try tonight if you want to come watch. 7 work for you??"
Let Them Know There's A Schedule
"As soon as people stop asking. Every question adds 6 months to the clock."
Oh you're mean, I only add one month every time my mother asks me! Mind you, we are now aiming for 2063 based on how often this comes up.
Let Them Know They're Being Hurtful
I want to say something like "Who knows? Maybe if the expensive infertility treatments we've been going through work before we give up trying. Thank you for inquiring." However, I usually just say "Maybe someday" and leave it at that. I'm too sensitive (and a bit heartbroken) at this point to try to educate people that this is a very inappropriate and sometimes painful question to ask. You never know who is struggling.
Let Them Know They've Gone Too Far
"I'll have kids once I find a suitable partner and am financially stable. The more interesting question is when are you going to stop being nosy, Karen?"
Let Them Know One Is Enough
*Points to husband* "When that one grows up."
Works well when it was his parents asking...
Let Them Know The Brutal Truth
This is one of my favorite stories and one of my most cringe-worthy.
I have several family members who are religious in some fashion. I happened to be standing in a kitchen with my religious mother, my religious grandmother, and my aunt, who happened to be 7 months pregnant with her first.
My grandma was asking about my then boyfriend, with whom I had been dating for over 2 years. The usual questions popped up, like living together, marriage, etc. I am not monogamous, and was not going to tell them I didn't have plans on getting married, but was trying to just be polite about things and only give half answers.
Then the question of children comes up. I am staunchly against having any. I don't want and now am unable to have biological children. But I just say I'm not interested in having them and try to change the subject politely.
My mother sweetly goes, "well, kids just have a way of happening."
I reply, "and so do abortions."
My mother hasn't asked me since. And the subject changed after a deafening silence.
Let Them Know You're Practicing
My mom asked me that at a family gathering in front of my my aunt. I said "We're trying, every day. Sometimes twice a day." She never asked me again
Let Them Know You're More Interested In Decor
A couple of Christmases ago I was sitting on a papasan chair at a family gathering and one of the little ones was sitting on my lap. One of the SO's relatives points out that I look really comfortable, and are we thinking about having one.
SO says "Yeah, she loves those chairs, it'll look good in the living room." Have not been asked about kids from that branch of the family since.