Dad jokes can feel like the unloved step-sibling of the comical world. "Why would we laugh at something so obvious and stupid?"
Becuase it's hilarious, that's why. Just check out the following entries below and see for yourself.
Reddit user, u/GrotiusandPufendorf, wanted to know what the funniest jokes on the planet are when they asked:
A Murder Of Cows?
Dad: Look at that flock of cows over there.
Kids: A HERD of cows.
Dad: Of course I heard of cows, there is a flock of them right over there.
Note: pulled that joke successfully a few times, and my kids even did it to their summer camp instructor.
We Should Probably LeafGiphy
At the park with my girls: "Dad, can we go play?"
Me: "sure, just stay away from those trees over there"
Girls: " umm...ok, why?"
Me: " I don't know...they look a little shady to me."
Good for producing eye rolls
What Better Way To Carry It Home
"Would you like the milk in the bag?"
Dad: "No thanks, you can keep it in the carton."
Scrambled Or Over-Easy?
Dad at breakfast: I'll have bacon and eggs, please
Waiter: How do you like your eggs?
Dad: I don't know, I haven't gotten them yet!
Feeling The Humor
Dad: "Nice shirt, is that felt?"
Not Dad: "No."
Dad: Reaches over and touches sleeve "It is now!"
That Joke Killed!
Why do graveyards have gates?
Because people are dying to get in.
My Dad always told it passing a graveyard.
Lean Back. Lean Back.
"I love my furniture. My recliner and I go way back."
Stating The Obvious, But Still Hilarious
I had a terrible day yesterday. As I was walking home, a man in a wheelchair stole my camouflage jacket!
As he was wheeling away, I shouted after him, "you can hide but you can't run!"
Give It A Second...
A magician was walking down the street.
Then, he turned into a grocery store.
Car Humor. That's All.
Dad putting car in reverse
Dad: Ahh, this takes me back
That's Always The PointGiphy
Not a joke in the traditional sense but, when I'm at a restaurant and the waitress says "Do you wanna box for that?" I always reply with "No, but I'll wrestle you for it."
No one ever gets it but it makes me laugh. And that's the point, right?
And the King of Them All...?
I tell dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
We're all adults who are totally mature and don't, at all, giggle a little bit on the inside when someone talks about what conditions are like on Uranus.
Yeah just kidding, that's hilarious.
Uranus is our favorite heavenly body.
Reddit user rsideoson asked:
"What is a word that sounds inappropriate?"
Don't worry, Reddit is absolutely no more mature than we are and we all deserve a childish giggle every now and then.
"Uvula (dangly bit in your throat)"
"Ooohhh, so it's a girl house"
" 'All god's children got a uvula!'."
"In Swedish it is called gomspene whick translates to pallet teet."
"That little dangly thing that’s hanging in the back of their throat?"
- Admirable-Door1724Snl Season 47 GIF by Saturday Night LiveGiphy
A What Hole ?
"Our city has had several instances of exploding manholes in the downtown area. My friends never let an opportunity to make such comments pass them by. (And I love them for it!)"
"Played some drawing game once where you'd draw the word u get by the game and others would try guess it...my friend got that word and drew a .. manhole..like.. a literal manhole not the actual one, and that was when i learned that word lol"
Chew Works Too
"Especially at the dinner table.."
"Those mukbangers masticate all over the place"
"This is the winner."
"Do you oppose public mastication?"
- Cy41995Hot Dog Eating GIF by NBAGiphy
Lets Just Not Use It Anymore
"This is not a fun or funny example, but, 'niggardly'."
"Etymologically, it has absolutely nothing to do with that other word. They have totally different origins, and sound/look similar purely as a matter of coincidence."
"But it's just not worth the explanation when "stingy" or 'miserly" work just as well, so it's basically a dead word."
"Even the Reverend Jesse Jackson defended the use of this word."
"Also, TIL he's still alive."
"I remember being a preteen and stepdad using this word. I was horrified. He was mildly racist so I wasn’t too surprised but we were in public. 'Dad!!!! There’s a black woman right there!!!'."
"He explained what it meant but I sure never ever used that word."
"Yeah this word is gone forever. There is no way of tossing that out in casual conversation ever again, and even if you did you'd have to spend a good few minutes defending what you meant and looking it up to prove it."
Playing Around With Speed
"It's a running term and as a grown man I still giggle when I hear it."
"Wait is that how it’s spelled? I always thought it was Fartlick lol"
"You guys use that? It's Norwegian, meaning speed game."
"Fartlek’s were misery in high school XC. Always just called it a fart lick"
- silverhammer96Safari Park Running GIF by San Diego ZooGiphy
Fortunella Sounds Fancier
"Got banned from a forum for calling someone a kumquat. No regrets."
"The restaurant I worked at had a kumquat margarita and for a good 2 weeks the menu accidentally had cumquat, but each time the manager tried to fix it they’d accidentally print the wrong on again and there’d be too many copies to just throw out."
"That's a good one"
The 'L' Is Important
"This may only be true in American English...in other accents it's much less suggestive"
"Don't wanna wait forever for that caulk to harden"
"I used to work for a construction company doing purchasing and apparently in the winter caulk gets cold and refuses to work so you need to put your caulk in a caulk warmer"
"My brother insists on over enunciating the L so it sounds like. Cow-LK"
- jawshoeawhomer simpson GIFGiphy
You Sure About This One?
"Jiggers, also known as the chigoe flea. Similarly, chiggers, also known as berry bugs."
"Jigger is also the little double-ended cup bartenders use for measuring alcohol for cocktails."
"I was looking for these two."
" 'Jigger' is used every day by Australian surveyors. It’s what we call our theodolites or Total Stations. Short for thingamajigger perhaps. If my mate’s jigger wasn’t cooperating, he’d say 'jigger please'.”
"What’s my motherf*cking name?"
So Many Botanical Puns
"One summer day at a barbecue at my mum in laws, she walked outside and announced “wait til you see the size of the flower on my clematis” I snort inhaled my wine"
"I think they can cure that with a penicillin shot/s"
"Another botanical word that makes me giggle:"
"Scabiosa. Or, as the Brits would say, scabious."
This Is Another One We Should Maybe Not Use
"Negus. It means a hot drink of port, sugar, lemon, and spices, and it's a royal title."
"Can you use it in a sentence?"
"Doesn't it also refer to an Ethiopian king?"
"Negan in Roman times."
" 'I am Negus! Thou shalt provide me with copious produce!'."
You heard (and laughed at) Reddits appropriately inappropriate words, now it's your turn to get in on the fun.
As much as people try to put on a good face in public, many of them have idiosyncratic behavior–like involuntary foot-tapping–they are ashamed of having.
Some folks, however, are not as self-aware.
These individuals could care less about other people and they act like the world is their nasty, unkempt, malodorous, living room.
Curious to hear examples of gross behavior, Redditor Dazzling_Age_4795 asked:
"What's the most disgusting bad habit?"
No one wants to see it, yet, here we are.
"Taking a dump and then not flushing in public toilets."
"I work in reception in a dental office, our Covid protocols included having wipe down the bathroom after each person. The amount of pee I’ve had to wipe off the seat and floor is absolutely disgusting. People are pigs- wipe the damn seat if your aim is that awful!!! They knew too, the intense stare down I gave them when exiting the bathroom, oh they knew."
Lazy Pet Owners
"Dog poop ( living in holland ) drives me crazy how much is just lying around. Disguisting habit for dog owners to just not care to clean it up. Which is in fact mandatory but hey... if no one sees it, its not a crime."
"People who don’t pick up their dog’s poop don’t deserve to have a dog. I also hate seeing bags of dog sh*t left on the ground. Like why bag it and just leave it there? It’s actually better for the environment if you don’t put it in the bag, lazy."
The Gross Collection
"Keeping your booger wall in plain sight where guests can see it."
"I once saw a person picking their ear and eating the wax. That sh*ts even worse then picking and eating out of your nose."
Those without any concept of having respect for their environment are very telling of the type of person they are.
Trashing The Place
"Those folk who buy cigarettes and casually walk around unwrapping and dropping plastic as they go... God I hate those guys."
Driving Smokers Suck
"People smoking while driving seem to almost always throw their cigarette butt out the window without a care in the world."
And those who don't have any respect for others in public got majorly slammed.
"Not sure if it's a 'habit', per se, but those people that have their phones on speaker ALL THE WAY UP casually talking on the train, in the grocery store, and in restaurants. I do not want to hear about your mother's bunion."
"Dude for real. I go to the library every once in a while for some quiet time.. the number of people who talk on their phone is ridiculous. Half the time if you go up to them and ask if they could be quieter or take it to the lobby they act like you're the rude one."
Clogging The Shower
"Taking a sh*t in the shower and pushing it into the drain... I knew people who did that, safe to say I don't anymore."
A Crappy Confession
"I’ve got to be honest, I farted once and a nugget, maybe the size of a pickled onion, fell out whilst I was taking a shower. As the particular bathroom I was in had the toilet in a separate room I decided the safest option for me was to squish the turd into the drain with my foot."
"I’m not proud but sometimes it has to be done."
"For clarity, I do not condone purposely dropping a full sh*t in the shower."
– User Deleted
Germy COVID Hands
"Not washing hands after using the bathroom, especially in public. Like at a restaurant."
Look, I know we all have our quirks, but I'm just not a nail-chewing and booger-flicking stan.
It's not like people with these habits are deliberately trying to inconvenience my life. But...they are.
I don't need to be stepping on nail remnants and dried-up balls of nose mucus with my barefeet.
So, what gross habits and/or behavior really gets your blood boiling?
People have different levels of tolerance when it comes to profanity.
And some people can't stand the sound of rude or vulgar language so much that they can't bring themselves to say these naughty words themselves.
But when anyone reaches a high level of anger or frustration, they still might need a verbal outlet.
And instead find themselves coming up with an alternative word, which helps them release their anger, but won't offend any nearby ears.
Redditor No-Citron5628 was curious to hear people's favorite alternatives to curse words, leading them to ask:
"What is your best swear word alternative?"
"Oh neptune."- StrappinYoungZiltoid
The last thing you want to find in your bed!
Instead of rude, be educational!
"I said this instead of… other words once when I tripped and accidentally taught this to my nephew."
"Now my sister sends me videos of my nephew saying it when things don’t go his way."- YellowForest4Warning GIFGiphy
Think of the children!
"Not sure of an actual word, but my bf and I have been trying to limit cursing since my toddler is becoming very verbal."
"He’s resorted to making very angry yelling caveman sounds when he wants to curse someone out rather than using the actual words."- Present-Lime-1244
"I like, 'slug in a ditch'."- spiked_macaroonslug GIFGiphy
We can always learn a thing or two from the kids...
"A child in my class tries to swear but unintentionally says foot instead of f*ck."
"It's probably my favorite alternative."
"Wow, didn't expect this to get so much attention."
"Thank you for the award! "
"For those asking, he is a very tiny child with a deep yorkshire accent who actually picked up the word from another child but hasn't noticed he doesn't have the pronunciation quite right yet."
"Context wise though he's bang on which makes it even funnier."- sophishx
Just one word won't do!
"DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET, LARRY?!"
"DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU FIND A STRANGER IN THE ALPS?!"- KevinBillyStinkwater
Be mindful, it could backfire
"When my son was little he started saying bastard so I kept saying custard."
"Until the day he complained that we were having bananas and bastard again."- CheeryShortarseDoctor Who Snack GIF by BBC AmericaGiphy
Mother knows best.
"My mother always said, 'Curses!'"
"We, the kids, laugh about it all the time."- tenzip10-0
If you feel like you've sufficiently got your anger or frustration out of your system, your choice of words served their purpose.
Whether or not they would have to be bleeped out on network TV.
When we think of iconic movie quotes, there are several which come instantly to mind.
"Here's looking at you, kid."
"Love is never having to say you're sorry."
"I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse."
Appropriately, the ones that might haunt us the most, are those delivered by villains, who linger in our memories not only by their creepy attire and presence but by their devious choice of words.
Frightening us long after the credits stop rolling.
Redditor N_the_character was eager to hear what the Reddit community considered the best quotes from both Hollywood's legendary villains, as well as some lesser-known antagonists from film, TV, and video games, leading them to ask:
"What's the most bada** villain quote?"
Benedict from Last Action Hero
"Benedict to youg Danny in 'Last Action Hero':"
"I should tell you that I have killed people smarter and younger than you."- S-Marktlast action hero art GIF by xponentialdesignGiphy
"Pirates are evil?"
"The Marines are righteous?"
"These terms have always changed throughout the course of history!"
"Kids who have never seen peace and kids who have never seen war have different values!"
"Those who stand at the top determine what's wrong and what's right!"
"This very place is neutral ground!"
"Justice will prevail, you say?"
"But of course it will!"
"Whoever wins this war becomes justice!"- TimeisaLie
The Man with the Midas Touch...
"Goldfinger after Bond says 'Do you expect me to talk?'
"'No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die'."- Hunk_StudlyInterrupting GIF by James Bond 007Giphy
The Last Airbender's Azula
"Dai Li: 'You've beaten me at my own game'."
"Azula: 'Don't flatter yourself. You were never even a player'."- herculesmeowlligan
Inigo Montoya, watch out!
"'Good Heavens, are you still trying to win?'"
"-the six fingered man."
Video game villains shouldn't be forgotten, ask Ghaul
“'You are not brave, you’ve merely forgotten the fear of death'."
"'Allow me to reacquaint you'.”- KentuckyBourbon94
The Good, the Bad, and the one-liners
"'When you have to shoot, shoot'."
"Tuco, 'The Good, The Bad and The Ugly'."- jpablo680
Whiterose of Mr. Robot
“'Because Phillip, I had to ask you twice'.”- Lontano64
The final frontier indeed...
"'A true victory is to make your enemy see they were wrong to oppose you in the first place'."
"'To force them to acknowledge your greatness'."
"Gul Dukat, Deep Space Nine."- hamdingersDeep Space Nine Dislike GIF by Star TrekGiphy
A true villain will have you quaking in your boots with just one look.
But it's with their words that they really get you.
And how they instantly go from being merely villains, to legends.