As an actor, everytime I step off a stage and mingle with an audience inevitably, someone is going to ask it. The same question. The same odd fascination. "How in the world do memorize all of those lines?" I'll admit, they ask with genuine fascination and mild adoration but... really? That is the main question? Not the emotion we evoked, not the hilarity we inspired. No. Just the lines. It gets frustrating. It feels like everyone skips over the magic part and goes to the mundane.
Trust me, anyone is capable of the memorization. Unless you struggle with a disability that involves the brain and memory.... anyone is capable. The mind houses thousands of songs, lines from films and the oddest details from that could qualify you for "Jeopardy!"
Redditor u/HilbertCube wants everyone to stop being so overly inquisitive. Like, why would you even ask that? They asked the internet..... "Oh, you're a programmer? I have a problem with my printer...". What's the equivalent of this in your job?Am I a Bank?
rich danny devito GIF by QuickBooks
Giphy
"Oh you work in finance? What stock/fund should I buy? / you must be making a boatload on your personal investments with all the insider information you have access to!"
A Genius? Ha!
"Oh, you're a teacher? Please explain to me how my child's teacher had the audacity to give them a C despite it being very obvious that my child is a genius!"
Bonus points if they want you to explain the grading criteria in a completely different subject and level of schooling than you teach. Like, I teach high school and community college English and Social Studies - why do you expect me to know the grading criteria for middle school math?
Doctor. Doctor.
Oh you're a paramedic? I have this thing on my toe, Will you check it?
Ask for $5 look at it for two seconds and tell them to go to the hospital/doctor.
I would tell them that if they wanted me to look, they have to call for the ambulance since it carried all of my very specialized tools.
windy taking off GIF
The Numbers Game
"Oh, you're an accountant? Can you add and/or multiply these huge numbers in your head lightening fast?"
No. You have no idea what I do....
Came here to say this. I am in corporate finance. I took a tax class or two back in 2003, so I might have SLIGHTLY more knowledge than the average person, but seriously not much at all. I'm really good at pivot tables though!
For Free Please...
"Oh you're a Graphic Designer? Can you make a logo for me really quick? It's for my cousin's birthday. I don't have any money to pay but I'll have multiple revisions that will cut into your actual paying work time, but then get upset when you ask for payment."
I typically respond to those questions with "Sure! Before we go any further, what's your budget?" and once they realize this is going to actually cost money, they get upset that you require compensation for your time (and explain how their relative can do it for free).
For the Music
Cinematography and Photography. I had a guy walk up to me the other day while doing street photography and ask me if I do music videos. I'm like ??? no, and even if I did I wouldn't take a job from some random who walked up to me on the street and tried to make a verbal contract with no discussion of pay.
Walter?
aaron paul what GIF by Breaking Bad
Giphy
"Oh, you're a chemical analyst? You must know how to make drugs."
the fix....
Oh, you work in construction? (Proceeds to ask about fixing things around the house, asking if something was installed wrong because it doesn't "look right", or wanting a price quotes for various projects).
I love using this one, I'm a Carpenter and Construction Project Manager, I get these little requests all the time, easiest way is to say "Yeah nah, that's screwed, gonna take some work to fix, maybe take it back to the frame because it wasn't built for that purpose and needs rework.", you watch their face turn pale and they reply "I... I... I can live with it I think.", works every time. ;)
For the Celebration....
marisa tomei picture GIF
Giphy
"You're invited to my.. party/event/wedding/celebration.... please could you bring your camera."
No Mary!
Oh you are an accountant, can you do my taxes?
No Mary i can't. I work for a corporate company not frigging H&R block. I mean I probably could but I don't wanna.
Its either that or "you're an accountant? Cool." Then proceeds to talk to other people because you can't delve deeper than those two outcomes into the convo. (Talked to a dude who just said that and we all ended up standing in silence for a few seconds after he did).
Wires Crossed
season 1 episode 3 GIF by Dream Corp LLC
Giphy
"Oh, you're an electrical engineer? Can you wire my garage?"
On the Road
"Oh, you're a truck driver? Can you come tell me what's wrong with my car?"
Umm, ma'am, I just drive the damn things... You want the shop guys for that.
Edit: Okay, wow. lots of attention on this one. To clarify a few things:
-I know how to do basic maintenance on my truck: Replace bulbs, fuses, etc. But for serious repairs, that's on the shop
-Yes, I know your great great grandpappy twice removed drove a truck since he was 3 and can take one apart and put it back together blindfolded. Most drivers aren't like that. All I'm saying is driving them doesn't automatically equal being able to fix them by any means.
-Yes, I know how to check my fluids and all that. In fact, we're required by law to do it every morning. Too many drivers don't, and that'll come back to bite them in the @ss sooner or later...
The Author
"oh, you're a writer? Can you help with this very important legal letter?"
And a non-job bonus: "you're married to my programmer son, can you help me with my phone?" My husband gets the "you work in IT, my printer isn't working" questions from his mum. She thinks he does tech support. He programs systems for universities, government departments, etc.
Frontline Doc
"Oh, you're a pharmacist? Well I have this huge, gaping wound on my left butt cheek, can you look at it and tell me what I can use over the counter?"
Sir... Please go to the hospital...
In some countries, pharmacists can act as the kind of first line of access to the healthcare system. They have walk-in clinics for people who can ask 'Is this really serious enough to see a doctor about, or can you fix it with a pill/cream?' I've seen that a lot in the developing world, where doctors may be scarce.
Not all machines
"oh you're a mechanical engineer, can you fix my car?"
I'm a mechanical engineer and I'm really good with machines but I know nothing about most actual systems. I always tell people that I can figure out the problem eventually, but I'm probably going to need to have it for a month, strip down the entire thing, and might end up saying "this part is chipped and there's nothing I can do."
Do you think so?
therapist safe place GIF by Lucifer
Giphy
Oh, you're a therapist? tells me about their family member who really needs to see a therapist.
Rocks and Stuff
"Oh you're a geologist? What kind of rock is this?" Just kidding, we love that crap and will tell you a long story of the history of that rock and how we saw examples in the field in the middle of nowhere.
Other common questions include:
- Is this a meteorite? (no, it's industrial slag)
- Is this a diamond? (no, it's quartz)
- How much is this rock/mineral/fossil worth? (probably $0)
- Is this a dinosaur bone? (no it is not)
- Is this gold? (no it's pyrite/fools gold) geckospots
The Wild
I work with wildlife and reptiles and get asked all of the time. Many times I have convinced the people to either re-home the animal or drop the $500 needed on proper supplies.
And I managed to have one guy fined because he admitted and had video proof of releasing an invasive species of turtle into the local waterways.
Beneath the Sky
carl sagan space GIF by Feliks Tomasz Konczakowski
Giphy
Oh you're an astronomer? Why is my outlook as Pisces so negative this month? I heard all the planets are going to be lined up what does that mean for my horoscope?
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Every now and then, though, you hear about an encounter with something that shouldn't be there. Sometimes it's an escaped or released exotic animal; hurricanes have destroyed countless wildlife enclosures and some people don't realize how big that cool pet is really going to get and choose to set it loose.
Sometimes it's a "skunk ape."
Florida's version of a 'bigfoot' sounds a little easier to believe when you factor in the huge number of primate enclosures that have been destroyed over the decades. We have established populations of things like monkeys, pythons, and boars now.
Why not gorillas or orangutans? They're both tall upright hair covered primates that might match the description.
Except skunk ape stories go back way before zoos and the exotic pet industry.
Reddit user cruzer58b asked:
"Those of you that TRULY believe you have seen a cryptid (Bigfoot, jersey devil, etc.) what’s your story?"
South Florida isn't the only place the wild gets weird. OBVIOUSLY.
Look at what these Reddit users have experienced.
The Thing Hunting Orcas
Marine Life Beauty GIF by OceanaGiphy"I was on a ferry for a school softball trip, off Kodiak island AK, 2014. I was 18."
"A whole bunch of us had snuck up to the deck around 11pm to watch the waves and generally be teenagers on a boat without supervision. It was 11pm in May in Alaska so the sun was thinking about setting but it was still bright outside."
"So we’re just doing our thing and we notice a pod of orcas swimming with the ferry’s wake, which is very cool but not, like, unusual."
"If you’re familiar with the dimensions of an orca fin you know they’re about 4-6 ft in height and look like big black spikes coming out of the water. Being Alaskan teenagers, we were very familiar. This is important."
"Orcas travel and hunt in pods of anywhere between 15-40 whales. Apex predators. The beautiful demon murderers of the sea."
"Total a**holes. Top of the food chain."
"So we saw this pod of orcas swimming with the boat, counted around 10- 15, with some babies scattered in there. Very fun to watch for the good 30 minutes to all go by. We tried to get pictures, but it was just dark enough that our shitty 2014 phone cameras weren't much good."
"Another 30 or 40 minutes go by and we’ve all pretty much sobered up and it’s about to finally get dark and we’re cold and sleepy and about ready to go in."
"We haven’t seen an orca for like half an hour, and then one of the girls spots another one and points it out. So we all turn and look at the whale's dorsal fin - but one dorsal fin is immediately followed by another, and another, and another, and then two more, and then two more after that, in two separate rows, and they’re taller, by a LOT, and jagged, like some have whole chunks torn out of them, and they’re all 8-10 feet high."
"And all these fins are attached to ONE creature."
"We can just barely see its back slicing through the water, covered in these rows of spikes, and it just. Keeps. Coming. This thing is like 20 or 30 feet from the ferry, running parallel to it, and we are all transfixed."
"This wasn't a small group - there’s like 9 or 10 of us and no one is saying a word because we’ve all turned to look at a whale and we are all now watching something that is like, horrifically, terrifyingly obviously NOT a whale."
"Someone tries to take a picture but it’s too dark at this point and the only reason we can see this thing is the light cast from ferry portholes, which is a take as old as time when it comes to things that you REALLY f*cking wish you had a picture of."
"But we all stand there completely scared stiff and in awe and we watch this thing just KEEP surfacing for a good 6 or 7 minutes which means that whatever it was was LONG. Like..... 60 or 70 feet long."
"Or longer."
"And covered in enormous spikes. Spikes that looked like they’d won thousands of battles with god knows what."
"It took what felt like an eternity for any of us to say anything after the last of it disappeared back into the strait."
"I mean if you and like ten of your friends had just all seen something that all science had DEFINITELY pointed to not existing, and you had all seen the same exact thing, AND it was very OBVIOUSLY trailing, nay, HUNTING, not one but 15 something APEX F*CKIN PREDATORS, what do you even say to break that silence?"
"That’s the thing that eats me about the whole thing, is it was hunting. It was following them. It was literally hunting about 60 tons of toothy, angry, intelligent apex predator."
"Every once in a while one of us will hit another one of us up and check in, like 'Do remember this? Was I hallucinating? Did we all see the same, insane, worldview-melting, terrifying thing that night?' And the reason I KNOW we did is because none of us talked about it."
"Not during the trip, not after, not to any of our friends because how the f*ck do you even tell someone about something like that?"
"Now we have almost 10 years between us and that night I assume some of them have probably told people, I know I tell people, because I’ve seen a LOT like that in Alaska and I’m That B*tch."
"And also because there’s a very rich history among native Alaskans of a Something that lives and hunts in the waters around Kodiak and it’s important to tell its story because someday it’s gonna eat a little too much plastic and no one will ever watch it hunt a pod of orcas terrified from a boat ever again."
- slobone
The Cutest Cryptid
Arts And Crafts Love GIF by NickelodeonGiphy"One night I was driving home at around 2 AM and this tiny, tiny white creature (probably as tall as a Pringles can, though maybe a bit smaller) walked across the road in front of my car."
"I hadn't thought about this in a while but here's what I can remember: The bottoms of its "legs" ended in what looked like flowy bits or ribbons, and it was almost translucent. I could almost see the road THROUGH the creature."
"It walked at a kind of jaunty pace, just like a person might walk. The best way to describe it is like that super steppy walk that the dwarves sometimes do in Snow White, or Mickey Mouse does sometimes."
"I slowed my car down but was afraid to stop it completely, and the thing disappeared as my car went 'through' it."
"Honestly it was so f*cking cute that I wasn't even scared, but I was shaken up by having seen something like this."
"I couldn't believe what I saw, so I called my then-boyfriend and frantically described the creature. He told me that it sounded like the Fresno Nightcrawler, and when I got home and looked it up, THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE."
"I had never heard about them before. I do not live in California, not even close. I still have no clue what it was."
- Langoustina
The Swimmer
Michael C Hall Night GIF by DexterGiphy"I used to go running and take a break at a train bridge in Iowa city when I went to school there."
"I did a lot of night runs. Sometimes, only after dark, I'd hear something swimming around at that train bridge. Maybe human or deer sized."
"One time, It was late and I heard it again. But this time, I could see something dark on the water. Looked like a profile of a very large head."
"I said 'hello, someone there?' "
"It stopped dead still and looked at me. It was dark but I could tell it was looking right at me. This went on for 30 seconds to a minute. It then went under, and I never saw or heard it again."
"I told myself it was a person swimming. But why not say hi back? Also, where did it go under to?""It was a slow river, I would have heard it surfacing or getting out of the water unless it went over a hundred feet."
"That's the closest thing to a cryptid I've seen and known about."
"Some people are saying beavers and otters. I've seen river otters (but not in the US), it was far too big to be a normal sized one. I've never seen the 6 ft ones, and I don't think they live anywhere near Iowa."
"It was much too big to be a beaver too, I see those all the time, and they're usually denoted by telltale signs such as dams and chewed trees. Also, I've never seen beavers active at night only during the day."
"I think it was probably just a person, maybe a homeless person who wanted to not be bothered by me."
"As I said, that's the closest I've come to seeing a cryptid, I know the original post asked for people that are 100% sure, but it was late at night and it felt appropriate to tell that story."
- orangutanglibrarian
Orangutan/Lemur Hybrid
orangutan GIFGiphy"When I was 14 or so in 2003 I saw what looked like an orangutan/lemur hybrid watching me from the trees."
"When it realized I was looking at it, it took off into the trees and disappeared. This was in Western NC, nothing like that should have been around here."
"For a few years I looked for articles about someone’s escaped exotic pet but never found anything. Eventually just wrote it off."
"Years later I heard a Lore episode about the Pukwudgie and I immediately got chills because the description matched what I saw. I’m still not sure what happened."
"Few months ago I was dumb enough to wander into the same patch of woods. I got nailed by a rock and when I looked up I saw a small outline ducking around like it was watching my reaction. Again, when it recognized I was looking at it, it took off."
"I don’t know what happened but I also don’t really plan on going back."
- kookooforpococuffs
Hopefully A Bear
red dead redemption bear GIFGiphy"About 16 years ago I lived in the rural areas of Kansas, town was about 6 miles from my house."
"At night while I was waiting for sleep I stared out of my window and look out into the darkness. Normally I would see owls, possums, racoons, coyote, etc all just minding their business doing animal stuff."
"And I could always hear them. Loud and clear."
"One night as I am trying to get to bed I watch and listen for the wildlife and on this night there was none to be heard or seen. Being a kid I thought nothing of it."
"Until I saw a HUGE black figure moving on four legs."
"I could swear I had seen a brown bear this thing was THAT massive. Except we lived in midwest Kansas. We have no bears."
"Cows and horses are too tall and not wide enough for what I saw. Plus our neighbors all had cattle so I was familiar with what they look like at night."
"People suggested it could have been one of the massive dogs like a malamute or leonberger or something. Maybe it could have been, but they are still too small for what I saw."
"Never saw it again"
- Staticshivyasuo
"There are bears in Colorado, Arkansas, Missouri, And a bit in Oklahoma. Kansas is in the historic range of black bears as well."
"I don't think it's a stretch that one may have wandered in from a surrounding state."
- sarraceniaflava
"This would relieve years of stress and the itch of the unknown if I could get confirmation that it was, it is how I always make it out in my head. A really big bear."
- Staticshivyasuo
The Big Blue
trailer GIF by Jurassic WorldGiphy"Been deep sea fishing a few times. You NEVER see schools of fish so far out, but once we saw this massive shadow moving FAST. It couldn't have been a whale, they don't move like that. The skipper stared at this mass of blue with me for about 20 seconds before it was gone and swore it was a megalodon. i'm not convinced but I have never seen a school of fish that far out in the ocean ever."
- uncareingbear
"It could be a large species of squid such as Colossal or Giant Squid. They are found world wide. It's odd they would come to the surface, but it's not to weird."
"Other options are Sunfish, Oarfish, or Large Shark."
- kazeespada
"I’m a firm believer there has to be some kind of megalodon or something out there, we just don’t know enough about the ocean"
- cruzer58b
When It Looked At Chandler
scary jack the giant killer GIFGiphy"My friend was at a camp with me and we were in the same cabin, we all stayed up late we got tired and went to sleep."
"My friend, lets call him Chandler, and I stole some instant coffee packets from the kitchen and we had them in water at night. Chandler didn't have a good caffeine tolerance like me so he stayed up a bit after all of us went to sleep."
"I asked him what he was going to do and he said he brought a novel and he was going to read it until he fell asleep."
"It was about 1am and we are all peacefully sleeping and then we hear the biggest scream. Chandler was crying and shaking in his sleeping bag and everyone in our cabin came over to see what was wrong and to help him out."
"He screaming really loud and if that didn't wake up other cabins and the teachers then his loud crying after did. Soon all the teachers were inside out cabin and I had to stay on my bunk bed to not be squashed."
"Chandler told us that he saw a ghost wandering around our cabin. He said he also heard the wind breeze while the ghost was moving. Another guy in my cabin backed him up saying he also heard that."
"Chandler was sent home and everyone continued the camp, however, it felt really weird. I talked to him a lot when we all got home and he told me more details."
"He told me he looked at the ghost for about 3 seconds because he was too shocked to say anything. The ghost was not white look in movies, it was transparent and BARELY visible."
"He told me it looked like a little boy. The little boy was not in our school uniform, but in really old fashioned clothes. Chandler told me he wasn’t too scared of the boy in those 3 seconds but shocked because it was a ghost."
"Then what really screwed him was after those 3 seconds when his brain clicked and he screamed."
"The ghost boy turned and looked at him "with shallow, lifeless eyes" and then rushed out of the cabin. This was the wind sound Chandler and my cabin mate heard."
"Then I remember distinctly what Chandler said because if I was him, I would doubt everything I know. He said 'That ghost looked at me, with no expression, and even though it was only for a split second, it felt like an eternity. I knew it wasn’t just my mind playing tricks when I saw his eyes. There was no soul in them, like it had been sucked away.' "
"I find it really weird because Chandler is the most honest guy I know and he seemed really traumatized."
"I was considering if it was the effect of the coffee, but he had it the night before as well and didn't see and hallucinations. Plus he was a regular drinker and he loved the taste even though it made him stay up."
"This story shakes me to this day."
- DirtyDuckTales
"Not A Deer"
Busch Beer GIF by BuschGiphy"Alright it’s finally my time to shine!"
"The area I live in has a very active deer population. They’re constantly getting hit by cars at night in my area and people constantly have to be on the lookout for these dudes."
"So one night I’m driving home from my friends house around 1am. I’m going pretty slow because the place near my house has a pretty big deer family who loves the area (around 6-7 of them)."
"So I’m driving up a hill going around 30mph and I had to slam on my breaks cause a 'deer' runs in front of my car."
"I don’t know if it was because it was super late at night and I was tired or what. But I sh*t you not, this was not a deer."
"It kind of was, but it had one too many legs and too many eyes. I only saw it for a second cause it ran past my car. But it was the weirdest thing I’d ever seen."
"It was pretty quick when it went by my car, but the 'tail' for sure was a leg, I can say that for certain."
"I even looked it up later and there is a commonly seen cryptid called the “Not a Deer” so that’s just my fun little cryptid story."
- bobcatnat123
Jellyfish In The Air
jellyfish GIF by Monterey Bay AquariumGiphy"Walking through the woods in the southeast US for fun I walked through a field where there were tiny fluorescent jellyfish-like things floating through the air. Maybe half an inch to 2 inches in size."
"I initially thought it was some kind of plant spores or something moving in the wind but when I looked at them closer they were actually moving independently."
"That was about 2006. I spent months going through those woods and that field over and over again with a camera trying to find them but I've never seen them since."
- gettogero
My long-term readers will know I'm super sketched out by orcas and have essentially written off Argentina because their orcas hunt on land.
Alaska clearly needs to get scratched off my list, too.
Anything big enough to hunt orcas is certainly big enough to hunt Ericas and I'm not trying to be on anyone's menu.
Kthankxbye, giant spiky sea thing.
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