None of us are perfect and recognizing our faults helps us grow. Some traits are far harder to overcome than others, like being easily angered, or too jealous, or the need to always be a victim.
Moist-giraffe asked: What's a toxic trait that YOU have?
Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.
Why? *Gestures broadly*
Sometimes I can just complain and complain and complain without even realizing how negative I'm being. You don't realize how much energy complaining/negativity takes out of you until you make the conscious decision to stop doing it. I'm working on it, but some days are still difficult.
It's especially hard when you have a job you hate. I've started to realize that I complain to others about it a lot, and I'm sure it gets annoying. But, damn is it hard not to complain when I'm at a place I hate for 9 hours every. single. day. Sh*t is draining.
That just means knowing you is a privilege.
I don't open up unless asked direct questions, and then I wonder why no one seems interested in my life.
I'm the opposite. I'm constantly oversharing, or I try to empathise with people by telling them a story of something similar that happened to me, and it probably comes across as me being self-obsessed.
That's interesting - I can see how you are trying to be empathic but also how it could come across as self-obsessed.
I'm 28 and it's only recently occurred to me how it might be interpreted. I just don't know how else to empathise I guess?
This will only get you so far.
In an argument or any kind of confrontation I have to be the victim. I'm getting pretty good at identifying it quicker and owning up to it, but it's my go-to reaction.
Any idea how to explain to someone that they do this? My roommate and best friend of 10 years always does this. No matter what the initial problem is, somehow I'm berating her, and she's just stupid, and that's all anyone ever thinks of her... it's exhausting.
Edit: Thanks for all the great replies everyone. I feel like I've already tried a lot of these, but it's nice to know I'm not the only person whose loved someone like this. I'm going to try what /u/mrspajamapants suggested, and attempt to use more "I" statements, rather than "you," as I feel this might work, and I haven't tried it yet. I really hope it can work, because I love her dearly, but it's getting worse, and tearing our friendship apart.
Edit 2: I feel I should also add (in case she sees this, as she's a Redditor too), that this is not the only thing tearing the friendship apart, but it makes the other problems harder to deal with when our discussions always lead to the same place.
What are feelings?
I am extremely bad at expressing my feelings, which often leads people to think I'm not interested etc. I've hurt a few people by being downright stupid and a coward.
I used to be like this, and some ways still am. I was especially not good at telling people they have hurt me or saying no. I did not want to say no because I was a people pleaser, either did not want to hurt their feelings or wanted them to have a good opinion of me.
I was also not good at telling people they have hurt me, so instead I bottled up and resulted to subtle ways of punishing them by ignoring them or using the silent treatment, or just doing subtle and petty things to "punish" them such as being late when asked to meet, not calling them, etc.
An entire series of events, including depression and an abusive relationship finally led me to a therapist's office. It was there that I finally understood that the way I dealt with conflict was unhealthy. Suppressing hurt feelings caused by conflict was not a solution, neither was indiscriminately releasing them. What I needed was a safe and constructive release valve.
When I started to utilize the techniques given to me by my therapists, such as creative arts and physical exercises as a source for venting, I noticed that there were changes in my relationship and something unexpected happen. I felt as if some people wanted me to react to them in the way that I used to. They did not like that I would constructively confront them after they had done something that displeased me and preferred the silent, petty, childish treatment or they did not like that I would say no to them.
I have come to learn that sometimes others can exacerbate some character traits, even toxic ones. Once they get used to your reactions, they categorize you and put you in a box. When you try to step out of that box, they want to squeeze you right back in.
Sometime, it is not toxic character traits, sometimes it is toxic relationships, including non romantic ones.
Procrastination, laziness, and the seeming inability to stick with anything long term.
Literally reading this while I'm supposed to be studying...
For real, can I just finish something meaningful in my life? I never finished community college. Like it's not the full blown version of college, it's college for beginners (and people trying to save money). I didn't finish that. Or my A+ cert. Why can't I finish anything other than a TV series or a pint of Ben & Jerry's?
If you're anything like me. A fear of failure. A desire for perfection that can't be reasonably met so why bother?
Edit: pretty sure this is actually anxiety. Plagued by thoughts of "what will everyone else think of it's not amazing?"
You gotta believe in yourself.
I have a penchant for self-destruction. If things go my way, I f*ck it up somehow. Jobs, relationships, school. I am doing good and suddenly, f*ck it all up.
I feel this. Do you think that you overtly torpedo things or is it more of a subconscious thing? Do you have a fear that the bad outcome is going to happen immediately so you might as well speed it along? Do you have a sense that you don't deserve good outcomes? I'm not asking to psychoanalyze you but because I'm looking for insight on my own behavior.
Me too. For me I think it comes down to some kind of subconscious self-hatred. I constantly end up trying to destroy things for myself and I don't know why.
It's difficult for some people to relinquish control.
I have a bad habit of not trusting other people to do things right.
Counterpoint: Have you SEEN other people?!
You make a compelling argument.
I have this too. I can be such a perfectionist at times, and nobody ever does things to my standard. I've been told (by more than one therapist!) that I have too high standards, in regards to myself, but I can see that I hold those same standards I have for myself true for others as well. Which probably isn't fair.
Color me green every time I open Instagram.
I have a jealous streak that I just can't kick, or better yet don't know how to kick. I have it but I can't change it
Fight the urge of checking up on your SO. Finding no evidence of wrongdoing will just give you a short term release. In the long run it just feeds the notion that something is wrong and enables you to keep doing it until you find something that may or may bot be a big deal. I think this is what causes/caused my jealosy, and just resisting it is the only thing that seems to work. Won't change anything in the near future, but you'll thank yourself in a few years.
Don't sweat petty things and don't pet sweaty things.
My anger gets to the best of me..
Mine too. I yell and become really, really mean when I'm angry. It's always embarrassing to remember afterwards and I have suffered the demise of many a relationship.
I really need to work on this.
Likewise. I get so wound up over the most innocuous little things. To the point where my wife has called it "scary", which is terrible for her. It's never physical. It's never directed at another person. But I think the fact that I can be that angry over something that's NOT another person is confounding to her 😫
When you can't get out of your own head.
Overthinking everything to the point of stagnation.
This is me too. I can catch myself overthinking but I can't ever do anything about it. Would really like to know how some people are able to just stop themselves.
I have problems with that too and I think I found a solution for my problem. Everytime I want to do things I count down from three and then just do what I wanted to do. This doesn't work with everything sadly.