Hide those life insurance policies! 

During our divorce, my ex-wife cut the brake cables on my bicycle. I figured it out before I went out into traffic. Didn't die.

al3x777

Now, I'm no lawyer, but that sounds highly illegal.

J_A_A-2703

Didn't you see the movie?! 

When I was 5, we moved into a house where a massive oleander bush was growing over the fence. Oleander flowers littered the lawn. I played with them and then went inside, had something to eat, and played with my sisters for a bit.

Next thing I remember, I'm in a doctor's office. I'm shivering and I ask for a blanket. The doctor puts a sheet of the paper that they use to cover the bed over me. They explain to my parents that I'm going to be fine and I can be taken home.

When I was a bit older (10 yrs), my mother told me that I had been telling her that my chest hurt and I couldn't breathe, and she grew concerned enough to take me to the ER. I had fallen asleep in the car and stayed asleep until waking up in the doc's office.

I googled it and read that Oleander is incredibly poisonous and works by paralyzing the respiratory system. Just one oleander flower can kill a horse. People have died from using oleander branches to roast food when camping. I had gotten pretty severally poisoned just by eating food with oleander residue on my hands. If I had bitten or eaten just a bit of the flower (which I very easily could have done since I was a dumba** that often ate random things), I would have died pretty quickly.

thinthickthin

Chew slowly...

I got to work before anyone else was there. I started eating a corn muffin and a huge chunk got caught in my throat. I couldn't breathe and was choking to death. I finally dislodged it by ramming my body against a chest height counter over and over again until it popped out.

grannygogo

Stick to Cheerios! 

I almost choked to death on a square of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Just talking about videogames with my older brother while scarfing down some cereal and suddenly I can't breathe and he is doing back blows on me. I spit it into my bowl, thanked him, and then ate the square again.

IdiotOracle

Thank you Honda... 

1996. Had just come out of a tunnel midnight Saturday night/ Easter Sunday. Four of us in a 1988ish Honda Accord, I was riding shotgun and the girls in back were asleep. The driver did not know if she should take an off ramp so pulled off and put the car in Park to check the map. Yes, hindsight not smart but the roads were dead, it was so weird for NYC.

A drunk driver rear ended us going at what the cops estimated was 70 mph and hit us repeatedly, bouncing us 100 yards down the road. There were no skid marks from him trying to brake. The car must have bunny hopped 3 or 4 times before it stopped. All the doors were jammed and only 1 window would roll down, so that's how we got out. It was totaled. The frame was twisted and trunk was literally compressed flush up to the rear window, but no broken windows.

The police were surprised no one was seriously injured, because no one was hurt. I had a very mild backstrain from twisting during the crash to look at the girls in back that woke up screaming.. it cleared right up after a hot shower.

I'll always be so very grateful to the nice Jewish couple that stopped and let us pile in their car to keep warm until the police came. They were so sweet, offering us water and matzo bread to help as the adrenaline wore off.

We were so lucky. 1980s Honda Accords were tanks.

ReadontheCrapper

Never trust wine! 

Not glamorous or heroic at all, but I got completely trashed on wine one night and woke up lying on my back covered in vomit. It terrifies me to think I could have asphyxiated in my sleep.

danceofthecucumber

Get glasses friend... 

I grabbed my mother in law's butt in the kitchen, mistaking her for my wife. Somehow, I was not murdered.

my_future_wife

Oh Mickey you're so fine! 

Had a knife pulled out on me by a group of 4/5 guys while walking to a friend's place after being out the night before, I didn't realize I could run so fast let alone with a terrible hangover!

I'm not sure if they genuinely thought I was someone else that they had a grudge against but they where calling me Mick and apparently they thought I was him, they really did seem like they wanted to do some damage as well, sometimes I think about if Mick is a real person and if these guys actually did ever get around to stabbing him.

Kein_Mensch

That sucks...

I got "sucked under" or whatever in the little Tennessee river at a common swimming spot, and couldn't find my way up and kept rolling. I eventually went limp and popped up a little ways down the river and got to the bank and walked back and no one was the wiser.

omning

Everybody falls sometimes... 

I fell into a very, very cold creek when I was 12, wearing a winter coat and insulated boots (which get really heavy when wet, it turns out). The water was up to my neck before I started treading water. It took me 3 tries to find a branch that wasn't rotted so I could pull myself out.

I very easily could have drowned or succumbed to hypothermia. And the only thing I could think was: my mom is going to be so pissed.

I climbed up the bank, facing my aunt's house but on the wrong side of the creek, and clumsily went into the building behind me. I thought it was a rec center, but it turned out to be a fire station. They got me some dry sweats and called my mom's cell (which my aunt happened to have). She called my uncle, who is a drama king and freaked out, screaming for my mother at the top of his lungs (which got her freaked out). Then they drove out of the subdivision to pick me up.

When they arrived, they informed me that the fireman told my aunt they had rescued me from the creek. I was pissed. My 12YO butt had pulled MYSELF out of the creek. Bastards, trying to steal my thunder.

I still get made fun of for falling in.

SheaRVA

REDDIT