Conspiracies

Years ago when I worked at a shipping and copying place (similar to Kinko's) a guy would come in every so often with stacks of newspapers. He would cut up parts of different articles and tape the sections together to form his own stories, then run what he made through the copier to make it look like it was one actual article. He would then show them to me and tell me they were about him.

Usually the finished article was a combination of world news about terrorism and the sports section. The overall story was that he is a CIA agent fighting terrorism and his cover was being the quarterback for the Chicago Bears.

Lcdstusystem

Organique

I used to work the drive through at a Del Taco that was open 24 hours a day. I had several odd experiences with a regular who came in about once a week towards the end of my employment there.

Experience 1: Man comes to window and asks if our bean and cheese burrito is organic. I say "probably not but I'm not sure." He decides that this means they absolutely must be 100% organic and orders 3 of them.

Experience 2: Same man comes to window shirtless. He explains that he is only shirtless because he was sweating profusely moments earlier (at 2am) and proceeds to hold a soaking wet shirt up to the window for me to touch as proof.

Experience 3. Same man comes to window, does not order anything, but tells me he is very happy that we are open 24 hours a day because "he is only awake at night."

Experience 4. Same man comes to window to tell me about a yoga studio he has been frequenting because they are open until 3am. He suggests I check it out. He does not order his usual "organic" bean and cheese burrito but rather our fish tacos because "he has decided to only eat fish."

Very nice man. Very strange man.

14kanthropologist

Charlie, Honestly

I went to a wilderness survival school and there was this guy there named Charlie who never wore a shirt, rode this really beat-up motorcycle everywhere, and mined Bitcoin for a living. He didn't bring a tent so he slept on a tarp on the ground for the whole week and ate canned beans even though we provided meals. He cried a lot and hugged everyone at the end of the week.

Charlie was pretty cool tbh.

EmberAlis

Limericks

When I lived in Hawaii I used to meet a lot of weirdos. It's hard to pick a winner out of all of them but I'll go with the crazy Welsh guy for this entry.

I was sitting at a bus stop reading when he approached me.

"LIKE TO READ, EH?"

The caps lock is appropriate here because he always spoke like he's just barely refraining from going completely ballistic.

"Uh yeah," I said.

"I HAVE A BOOK OF POEMS I'VE WRITTEN. WOULD YOU LIKE TO READ THEM?"

"I guess so," I said.

He then thrust a manila folder at me, then added "THEY'RE WRITTEN BACKWARDS BECAUSE THEY'RE ABOUT WHO THE JEWS STOLE TIME."

"Uh thanks," I said.

"I HOPE YOU LIKE THEM," he said, then walked away.

According to the writing on the packet he was the co-president of the Hawaiian-Welsh Astral Society, which met weekly at a nearby park. The poems began with photocopies of a bunch of news articles he had annotated with comments I couldn't make any sense of before getting into the poetry itself, which made no reference to Jews anywhere that I could see but were dated in reverse chronology, which I guess is what he meant by them being written backwards. They were not very good poems.

schnit123

Georgie Porgie Scared Me 

George

The first day I met him, he was rubbing his tummy. Under the shirt. It was weird, but not scary. I didn't think he was trying to be weird, just that he wanted to rub his tummy and this was the time to do it, mere coincidence that we were speaking.

One time he was shouting in his office, "SHUT UP SLAVE, SHUT UP SLAVE" over and over. We couldn't tell what he was saying at first, but he left quickly towards the elevators and still shouting in the lobby.

He would try to touch your elbow with his instead of a high five or anything.

He'd have random outbursts, similar to the "shut up slave", but more contained. Like, he'd know his reaction was uncalled for, however he wasn't able to control what he was saying.

As I got to know him more, I could tell that he was working on it and trying to get himself under control, however I don't know if he's ever been diagnosed with anything.

brandnamenerd

Psychological Lying

I called him John the liar...he was a coworker of mine in college at a sporting goods store. He lied about everything not just embellishing stories or adding a few extra details... just straight up lies. He would lie about what he ate for lunch even though I saw him eat it.

He told our manager that his dad was a 6'5 marine who helped take down Osama Bin Laden and then an hour later he told me his dad was a quadriplegic and had been for 30 years. Then he told me he got an override from the administration to take 24 credits one semester as a biology major...then I found out he was still in high school.

It was absolutely psychotic, I finally had to confront him about it when he started telling customers the completely wrong specs on all the guns we carried. He just lied some more and said that I was wrong or that I misunderstood him.

Eventually I had to ask my supervisor to schedule me on a different shift because I couldn't take it anymore.

Cactusjacks22

Assault By Bookshelf

I managed a bookstore for a long time and you run into your share of weirdos, there. I could tell a million stories. One of the weirdest was this lady who came in a few times who would get dozens of books, browse through them, ask us to hold them, and then never ask to see them again or buy them, so we began just reshelving stuff immediately.

One day she came in and took over this one sitting area. She had probably close to a hundred books piled on the coffee table and the floor, and the other customers sitting there were clearly starting to get annoyed. I went over with a library cart and offered to take some of the books to the front of the store to hold onto them while she "shopped". She said no. I said at the very least I needed to put the books on the cart because it was hazardous to have piles of books in the aisle, but when I knelt to pick them up, she grabbed my hands and slammed them on the table, pinning my wrists down, and legit snarled at me. I managed to stay calm and told her to get her hands off of me, and told one of my co-managers who was nearby to call the police.

When the police came, they asked me if I wanted to press charges for assault, but I said no: I just wanted her trespassed from the property. He wrote out a trespass order and she pulled a folder out where she had a stack of trespass orders from various local businesses and filed it alphabetically - I guess she got banned from so many places, she found it hard to keep track.

The police ended up having to stay for a while because she kept circling her car through the parking lot and screaming obscenities at me. I don't remember everything she said, but I do know at one point she said "F*CK YOU. YOU'RE NOT THE REAL PRINCESS DIANA. I KNEW THE REAL PRINCESS DIANA AND YOU AREN'T HER, MOTHERF*CKER!" It took us over an hour to reshelve all her goddamn books.

I looked up her name online later when I got home. Turned out she was a prominent real estate agent the next city over. I cannot imagine showing up to an open house held by that lunatic.

TealHousewife

The Lunch List

The cemetery groundskeeper in our hometown.

He did a very good job (the grounds were immaculate and perfectly landscaped), but he'd hover over people when they'd visited a grave - as if he didn't want anyone in his cemetery.

People wondered why he'd have his lunch inside the mausoleum on the grounds on sunny days instead of being outdoors. He'd say, "I prefer being with the dead than with the living."

Back2Bach

I Hate You, Dan

I'll call him Dan. Dan was my roommate in a military school. Military school is already full of weirdos but Dan... Dan owns it. Here's a slight list of the atrocities I had with my man, Dan;

Dan kept a dead bird he found outside in his desk. He wanted to get its bones and sell it to a museum.

Dan was filling up a half gallon bottle with dip spit. He plan was to one day use the collected amount and "repackage" it into empty dip cans to sell to people. I almost threw up twice remembering this. One day, he didn't tighten the lid and it spilled into his footlocker. Three times almost threw up.

In six months of knowing Dan, I saw him shower three times. He was quite stinky fellow. I was his roommate.

He thought he was a vampire. I asked him why. He said he didn't like sunlight. I explained that he never went into the sun so that's why it bothered him. He said his mom had to file his fangs when he was born. I explained to him newborns do not have teeth usually. He told me he drank blood and liked it. I asked if it was his. He said no. I asked who the f*ck gave him blood. He said he was sworn to secrecy. I said the name of another weirdo at the school because I just f*cking knew it. He was basically like "lol, that's him."

We had these giant bed cover things we called bed condoms. It was a large cloth like bag that you put over a twin mattress in our barracks bunk beds. Nobody used them because it made it harder to make your bed for inspections. Reason I bring this up? Dan never did his laundry. We had pickup service. Literally you just leave a bag of clothes out your door someone picks it up and folds it. Dan never did his laundry. Dan's laundry was too much for his laundry bag. Dan starting using his bed condom. Dan filled his bed condom. One day, I threaten to beat his ass if he didn't get his laundry done. I woke up him up in the morning prior to the pickup and went to go shower. As I was leaving, I witnessed him pouring his dirty ass laundry onto his bed. I went to shower. When I came back, Dan was cocooned in a massive pile of dirty laundry on his bed that he was sleeping naked in. He did not emerge from his sacred slumber as a beautiful butterfly. He was still Dan.

Dan would masturbate at my computer at night when he thought I was asleep to weird anime flash games. I only caught him once and changed my PW. Who knows how many times he stroked that vienna sausage till his eyes rolled back.

One time, my buddy and I went out. We came back to watch a movie and Dan had like three beers or whatever so was laying in his bed. There was a beer bottle on my desk in which my buddy asked if it was mine and I said no. He said it was almost empty so he was going to spit in it as he put a dip in. After about 15 minutes, he said he didn't want to spit in it anymore because it was warm. I said something about it was on top of my computer hard drive so maybe the computer warmed it up. Buddy left for a minute. Dan proceeds to tell me that the bottle is warm because he peed in it. He left it it on my desk. I beat up Dan.

Dan left boogers under my desk.

Dan was morbidly obese and disgusting. Somehow Dan's mom was fine. Shockingly attractive.

Dan bought a Russian trench coat and a gas mask.He would sometimes sleep in them.

Dan snored loudly.

People were not fond of Dan. One night he was sprayed with the fire extinguisher while watching stuff on his computer... and hallucinating on Robitussin. He fell down and busted his head.

Dan got written up because the sow that he drank blood from and Dan were caught repeatedly playing around the dumpster by the cadet chain of command. We do not know why they liked the dumpster.

One time I walked into the room and there was a strange gold tint to it. I had been gone all weekend and was confused. I walked into my room and was like basically what the f*ck. I looked over and I see Dan and blood donation idiot smiling at me with gold paint on their mouths. I noticed the spray paint can on the desk. I left the room.

Ever heard of pouring Listerine through slice of bread will filter the alcohol out so you can drink it? Dan heard this rumor too. Dan got sick that day after growing frustrated and eating the slice of bread.

Ever heard that if you leave oranges out, the mold can make you hallucinate? Me neither. Dan did! He grew frustrated and ate the orange. Dan was sick again.

I am forgetting things about Dan. I know it. I may add if I remember some other ones.

I was not fond of Dan.

If you enjoy this, read about Buck.

I am not fond of him too.

Edit Specialist Buck It's full blown military jargon but pretty sure they came from the same breeding.

PickleInDaButt

Trapped In A Convo

An old lady that used to live in my town who was usually just known as the "I say!" lady. She was usually seen accompanied by a large dog. She was called that because she started all conversations with adults with "I say....".

She was an absolute terror to children. If a child came within a few feet she would berate them for being near and say the dog would attack them (the dog seemed more terrified of her and I never heard of it attacking anyone). We kids all knew to just leave her alone.

With adults, she was a totally different person and would be extremely friendly. Adults knew to avoid her too because she would talk to them for hours if you let them and literally chase after you if you tried to leave.

zerbey