Giving thoughtful gifts is hard. You really need to know your audience and be able to read the situation. You don't want it to be awkward like the time my early-70's aged uncle gifted his wife raunchy lingerie and sky-high platform heels in front of several generations of the family. Let's just say it was a mixed reaction. The elders were humiliated, the babies didn't get it, some of the other adults found it hilarious and unnerving to imagine; and then there was my mother. My mother was moved to tears by how "beautiful" it was that he still thought his wife was sexy enough to strip for him though they were in their 70's. After she was done crying she kept trying to subtly ask whether their health insurance was up to date in case she fell or he got too excited. I love my mom.
Or maybe you're not worried that your gift will be awkwardly received. Maybe you're up for a little bit of merry mischief? Maybe you're tired of that one aunt who keeps mentioning what a beautiful face you have and how pretty you could be if only you were a little bit taller or maybe just thinner. (People can't just get taller, tia! That's not a thing!) Maybe you'd like to find a way to let someone know how you really feel - in gift form!
Let this article be the gift-guide you never knew you needed. You're welcome.
Reading Is Fundamental
A book on how to fix a quality you don't like about them. Like "How not to be an idiot for dummies."
Death By Cake
My husband's uncle and aunt don't like each other so they would try to outdo each other with how garbage their gifts could be. Years of crappy dollar store gifts culminated one year when she gives him a home made Christmas cake, knowing full well he hates Christmas cake. The next year, he dealt the killing blow when he gifted it back to her. He kept a homemade cake for a full year and gave it back
That, ladies and gentlemen, is the hero we deserve.
I tip my hat to him.
Normal Clothes
GiphyClothes that are clearly the wrong size. Not like hideous clothes, normal clothes.
My cousin is exhausting and is constantly bragging about how men comment on her beach Instagram photos, and how flat-tummy tea has done wonders for her, etc. Last year another cousin got her a dress that was 2 sizes too big and played totally oblivious while the self-absorbed cousin tried to not have a melt down about someone thinking she's a size 8. It was passive-aggressive gold.
"Over Cinnamon French Toast"
One of the best passive aggressive gifts I've ever given was to my aunt, who we will call Elise. She's known as the diva of the family, and she lives up to it every year. Usually my grandmother makes Christmas brunch/Thanksgiving dinner depending on the occasion, and in my lifetime Elise has thrown tantrums at six of these entirely based on food choices. A couple years ago at Christmas, she was sitting at breakfast and smelled cinnamon French toast being fried in my grandmother's skillet, and the theatrics began. She hates cinnamon, and she ended leaving the house and offering to come back in a family group text under the condition that all the windows be opened and an exhaust fan be placed in the kitchen window. Over cinnamon french toast.
Last Christmas, I went to Bath and Body Works to get little gifts for everyone and I found a heavily cinnamon scented hand soap. Perfect gift. The look she gave me when she opened it was priceless.
- aub00
The Cookbook Joke
My girlfriend has a cousin who has one of the most stuck up, self important food blogs I've ever read. I'm talking paragraphs and paragraphs before the actual recipe where she talks about her day like anyone actually cares. The kicker is that she's actually pretty bad at cooking, which makes it even worse. Every year my girlfriend gives her cookbook for beginners. I don't think she's gotten the joke yet.
Just Trying To Help
My dad gets this nasty white build-up on his tongue...well for one XMAS I thought it would be funny to gift him a Tongue Scraper. He wasn't very happy or amused by it, and threatened to beat the sh!t out of me in front the rest of the family. 10/10 would gift again. My brother thought it was hilarious ¯\ (ツ)/¯
Severing Ties
GiphyMy mum's step mother bought my mum a cheap carving knife one year. Not a set. Just one single cheap knife. My mum had to sit there with her knife while her half sisters unwrapped new phones and expensive jewelry. I don't even know if it was passive it was kinda just aggressive.
Interesting, because some superstitions say that gifting someone knives will "sever the relationship" between the giver and recipient. My mother tells the story of her mother in law demanding a penny from her on her wedding day so she could give her the knife set my parents wanted in good conscience. I'd definitely say your Aunt was being aggressive...
The Tacky Home Decor Method
Don't get a bad gift card because it will reflect more poorly on you in front of your family. Get a tacky large painting or vase and then when you see them next, ask to see where they displayed it.
With tacky home décor, you can talk about how you thought of them when you saw it and how good the quality is. That way you come across as being thoughtful and they can't really bitch to the rest of the family about how bad it is without seeming ungrateful.
Don't Punish The Kid
Exactly. The perfect passive aggressive gift for a small kid is a cheapass RC helicopter. It-
•Chews up batteries like nothing else (if you get a really cheap sort. More expensive ones have boring rechargeable batteries)
•Annoys the parents, cos that thing is going to be flying into walls all around the house and beyond.
•Will make the kid happy, so you don't punish the kid for having an ahole for a parent.
The Donation
I had a proud Daughter of the Confederacy for a step-grandmother for quite some time.
Every Christmas, she'd give my step-brothers and step-sisters gifts worth many hundreds of dollars each: dirtbikes, ball gowns, belaying equipment for rock climbing. And each Christmas, she'd give me a card with $5 inside.
Every year, I donated her $5 to the NAACP in her name.
Every year, they sent her a little thank you card.
The Big Gift
We used to have Christmas with my mom's side on Christmas Eve. For a couple years in a row my aunt would use this opportunity to give me a "big" gift before my parents could. My first "expensive" computer game (the Sims) and even my first cellphone. I don't know if she ever actually cleared this with my parents, but we didn't see them for Christmas much longer after that happened a couple years in a row. Since I was a kid at the time I didn't pay attention to their interaction and was just excited for gifts. Now that I'm an adult I realize my aunt was using me to be shady.
Handwritten
GiphyI once received handwritten COOKING tips from an in-law for Christmas. It was hand presented to me by another, obviously uncomfortable in-law. Really had to keep my face neutral for that one. These tips literally included things like, "Measuring when cooking is science, not art!"
No, the gifter was not old - she was in her 20's. That was next level passive aggressive.
Thighs
My creepy uncle gave me those thigh reduction wraps that don't work.
I was fucking pissed. I was young and not a big girl.
What an asshole. I got my revenge last year when I had to drive him to his brother's funeral. "When's your turn?" is exactly what I said when he got in my car.
The Stamp
My mother in law is an insufferable b*tch.
I "forgot" to put her Christmas card in the envelope this year.
Worth the stamp.
Testing
My mother once gifted me an entire setup for diabetes testing. I put on a few lbs that year. So probably that.
A Lemon
GiphyThis year, my grandmother followed the old tradition to give an orange for Christmas.... except that she's really cheap, so she used clementines, and she only had 3 left in her fridge, so I received a lemon instead.
Tablecloth
My grandma, who lives with me and my family, gifted me a tablecloth last year. I don't own a table.
What's the best passive-aggressive gift you can think of?
No matter how long ago we saw it, there are some scenes or images from movies that still send shivers down our spine or keep us awake at night to this very day.
Pennywise appearing in the sewer in It, Janet Leigh surprised in the shower in Psycho, Freddy Kreuger's tongue popping out of the telephone in A Nightmare on Elm Street.
Of course, some of the scariest, most disturbing, or most emotionally traumatizing scenes from films might have been featured in films outside of the horror genre.
Even more shockingly, some of these films were primarily marketed towards children!
Redditor alina_love was curious to hear which non-horror films the Reddit community saw as children still send shivers down their spines today, leading them to ask:
"What's a non horror movie that traumatized you as a kid?"
It Was Tim Burton, After All...
"'Pee Wee's big adventure'."
"Large Marge scared the crap out of little me."
"I was even scared of the fortune teller."- BlueStarrSilver·
With A Title Like "Temple Of Doom"...
"'Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom'."
"The scene where the guy gets his heart ripped out traumatized me for years."- Pbhf
That Funeral Scene Though...
"'My Girl'."
"Fear of death, fear of losing a friend, fear of bees, fear of puberty."- heidismiles
macaulay culkin kiss GIFGiphyJurassic Park's Got Nothing On This...
"'The Land Before Time'."
"Watching Little Foot’s mother die was awful."- HourglassSass
He'll Always Regret Not Bringing Her To The Museum...
"'Bridge to Terabithia'."- jumpstart-the-end
"Everything goes so well and it falls apart SO FAST and your left absolutely traumatized."- VortexDestroyer99
The Reason People Hold On To Their Appliances For As Long As They Do...
"The Brave Little Toaster'."- Catgurl
"The junkyard scene alone was responsible for so many nightmares."- ManChildMusician
brave little toaster animation GIF by Coolidge Corner TheatreGiphyAnd Let's Not Forget The Coachman's Smile...
"Disney’s version of 'Pinocchio'."
"The scene where kids are turned into donkeys and kept on the island and then resold was f*cking weird."
"You felt bad for that bully kid after he looked sad and nobody understood what he said because he was a donkey."- earnestlikehemingway
Few Things More Sad And Scary Than Deforestation
"'Ferngully: The Last Rainforest'."
"That evil tree scared me so bad."- slutsdotnet
Anything But "Truly Scrumptious"...
"The 'Chitty Chitty Bang Bang' Childcatcher guy!"
"I'm still scared of him!"- Jet_Maypen
child GIFGiphyOffing Children One By One...In A Children's Movie!
"'Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory' boat scene."
"Honorable mention of claustrophobia when Augustus gets stuck in the chocolate tube."
"UGH!"- looseseal-bluth
At Least We Know He Had A "Sole"...
"Who Framed Roger Rabbit."
"That poor shoe….."- dalalice5555
At Least The Song Is Catchy...
"Neverending Story."
"Not even Artax, which was awful, but the Rockbiter and his good strong hands."- marxychick1
Neverending Story 80S GIFGiphyDorothy Gettying Electro Shock Therapy Says it All...
"Return to Oz."- Jeff_Steelflexx
"Horrifying! What about the animated wig heads?"- weensfordayz
The Reigning King Of Childhood Trauma
"Old Yeller."- IceTech59
"I remember watching this on TV during, I think, Wonderful World of Disney (Sunday nights were Disney night on TV)."
"Cried and cried and cried."
"I've never been able to watch it again and I've never shown it to my kids!"- crowwitch
Not All Friendships Are Tenable... A Terrifying Thought
"'The Fox and the Hound'."
"Still makes me incredibly sad, lol."- mental_reincarnation
best friends friendship GIFGiphySometimes, writers and filmmakers simply overestimate what might go over a child's head.
Or, for that matter, they might underestimate their emotional capacity.
Regardless, ask any of Fairuza Balk's fans which is scarier, Return to Oz or The Craft, and their answer will be immediate...
(... and it won't be The Craft...)
Sometimes it's fun to toy with someone.
Especially if it's an enemy or a loved one who simply deserves a good ribbing.
Some cryptic sentences can send anyone into a tailspin.
And oh the fun that can be had.
You have to be as vague as possible and as sincere.
You have to sell the sincerity. That's vital!
And then just watch them implode.
Redditor theary18 wanted to hear about the most creative ways to throw somebody off their game, so they asked:
"What is the best thing to say to someone to subtly f**k with their head?"
I love to come up behind someone and say "I can't believe they would treat you this way. I got you girl!"
Then I scurry away.
Tee-hee...
It's YOU!
For Me GIF by Liz HuettGiphy"Just tack on the phrase 'given your history' to any question you ask someone."
"Are you sure you want another drink? Given your history?"
"Do you mind driving? Given your history?"
hamletreset
Mean Kids...
"I moved to my elementary school in the 5th grade. Mid-year, a boy came up to me and said, 'I really thought you were gonna be somebody.' I'm now 45 and I'm still like, what the f**k was he talking about?"
NicklePlatedSkull
"Likely something they heard a parent say to someone. Kids love to repeat the dumb stuff you say the next day at school."
itsallgoodman2002
"All jokes aside he probably thought you were someone else. I've done the same things countless times and it's happened to me a few."
Download_more_ramram
"I would interpret this as this kid hearing there's gonna be a 'new kid' and then their imagination ran wild as to who this new star is going to be, that it will be like in some kid movie or something, but you turned out to be just another kid student."
i_was_planned
I Like You
"I don't get why other people don't like you."
Dependent_Main2643
"Another variant is..."
"I don’t care what everyone else is saying. I think you’re great!"
"They’ll take it as a compliment at first but then they’ll think about it and it’ll eat away at them."
Oh-Cool-Story-Bro
"A guy I work with says this time to me every time I help him 'I don’t care what everyone else says about you you’re alright. Literally everyone else. We did a poll.' XD guy says some crazy s**t. When he started he tried to convince us he was a flat earther. He just likes fucking with people."
ThreeBeatles
Rumors
“'I heard about you.'"
ignorantpigeon
"Whenever I hear this I always respond with 'if it’s all good, it’s all lies.' Usually shows my sense of humor and if it is bad things they heard it usually lightens the mood."
ElApolloLoco
"Years ago I worked at a cafe and function venue which was sold after a few years to a new catering company. The first time I met the new restaurant manager I introduced myself and she exclaimed 'Oh, you’re winoforever!' and I was a bit weirded out. Then not long later I met the new owner and she also said 'Oh, you’re winoforever!' I still wonder twenty years later what they’d both heard about me."
winoforever_slurp_
Problems
Drunk Party Girl GIFGiphy"Go up to someone at a party and say: 'I just want you to know that personally, I have no problem with you being here.'"
LuketheMook
"I once got drunk and effectively said that to a girl at a wedding. 'I don't care what everyone else thinks, I always liked you' or something like that."
Supersnazz
Parties are the perfect setting for these shenanigans.
Especially with the drinkers.
But get them at least semi-sober.
I got You
Okaay What GIF by ABC NetworkGiphy"If you are chatting with someone and another person walks up look at them and say 'I just want you to know that I was defending you' then turn and walk off. It's a good 2fer."
could_use_a_snack
Hush
"'We know, but don't worry, we'll keep it a secret.'"
ch3rrycsmos_
"A friend in high school (actually still a current friend) said something similar to me and it definitely f**ked with my head. 'You know you're not fooling anyone, right?' He wouldn't elaborate and it took me the rest of the day to figure out he was f**king with me. As a guy with imposter syndrome, especially as a teen, that had me turned for a bit."
ablackcloudupahead
You Again
"If it’s someone you interact with repeatedly, always introduce yourself as if you’ve never met before."
Stillwater215
"I keep doing this to a guy I see very occasionally. He's a friend of my sister-in-law, but I've introduced myself to him at least four times. Right now, I'm trying to picture his face and I totally can't, so if I see him again, I'll introduce myself again. He remembers me though. And I don't have this issue with anyone else, I just can't remember this guy's face for some reason."
KrtekJim
Big Mouth
"You really need to brush your teeth."
setthepinnacle
"Somebody jokingly left a message on the 'tip' line that said 'Take a breath mint.'"
"I'm like 90% sure it was just the first thing that came to his head but it f**ked with me for weeks. I was self-conscious when talking to people, being close to them with my mouth open, and I'd constantly be brushing longer/harder taking mouthwash a couple extra times a day, and using mints."
ToFaceA_god
Head Issues
Think About It GIF by IdentityGiphy"Give all your friends a few dollars to compliment their hat if they’re not wearing one. When 50 people insist you’re wearing a hat, you start to think you’re wearing a hat. It will drive them insane."
Stillwater215
Hats off for that last one. That's harmless but devious.
Do you have any tips to add? Let us know in the comments below.
