People Reveal The Moment The Realized Their Relatives Were Living A Double Life
How would you react? What would you do? Would you stay married or would you make the hard choice to say goodbye?
u/Berns_whenIP wanted some stories from Reddit:
People who discovered their partner was living a double life or keeping a significant magnitude secret, in retrospect what signs did you perhaps miss or what events now make more sense?
Here were some of the answers.
The Signs
The fact that these insane arguments would spark from nothing and he would end up stripping naked randomly and/or punching things.
Drugs. I was that oblivious.
Fake-TSD
He pretended to have combat-induced PTSD, that he used as an excuse for his behavior. Turned out he was never in combat, but he talked about it every day, all the time to everyone.
It's usually just when the lies don't add up, dates and names change and there are obvious things that you choose to ignore (he told me he talked to his dad about it all the time, but when I went to meet his parents he said that they don't know anything about it so don't bring it up).
Ya Got Caught
I was seeing this girl. We met at work, and hit it off pretty quickly. Things were pretty normal. We'd go out, come back to my place, do our thing and then sometimes she'd stay or other times she'd head home. This went on for about a year.
So when things started to get weird was when we went out to a bar, both got sh-tfaced, and I said well your place is like a few miles down the road, let's just crash there. She was adamant about getting a cab back to my place. Seemed a little weird but whatever, yay drunk sex. So this happened a few more times, she'd always have excuses, her place was a mess. She was painting. Etc. At this point it's not adding up.
So one night I decide to surprise her at home, figuring she would be happy to split a pizza and a 6 pack. She's not home. But her fiancée is. Turns out he's a pretty cool guy, has suspected something is going on with her, says she's been staying late at work a lot lately, including tonight. No she isn't.
So we decide to split the pizza, watch the baseball game and wait for her. I will never forget the look of oh I'm screwed on her face when she strolled through the door and saw her fiancée and her boyfriend sitting on the couch eating pizza and drinking beer.
Things Keep Spiraling
My dude had to go home and help with his ailing stepdad on the weekends. Initially, I was apprehensive because they had a rocky past, but was convinced because family is family, right? So it must be true.
He'd leave the city Fri afternoon, return Monday night - it was a three hour drive out to the middle of the nowhere and was almost a decade ago when cell service wasn't that great, and I worked overnights at a hospital; it worked out.
This went on for a year and a half before I broke up with him. You see, things weren't adding up, I wasn't allowed to talk to his Mom or sis anymore, we were growing distant, he'd get very agitated with me. Also, I was never invited to go with him, I mean I could have asked for time off ... Therefore, I hired a PI.
Turned out he'd hop a ferry to Canada and visit some other woman ... I wound up contacting the other woman after I kicked him out. She and I exchanged some info, filling in a lot of the missing pieces for both of us; she was pissed she was bamboozled and broke up with him too.
Through some friends, I received news a year later that his stepfather died, but this guy never visited and had actually become estranged from the family, and they didn't know where he even was. About a year later he contacted me and told me he had lung cancer and wanted to be my friend again. This wasn't reciprocated, partially because his lung cancer info never added up (I'm in the medical field, you can't fool me man), but mostly because I didn't trust him, so why bother? I told him to pound sand. This escalated his illness AND said he had now suffered a concussion due to a bicycle accident. Keep in mind this was all via text and a few phone calls, we did not live around one another. When I still would not spend time with him (he wanted to watch Netflix over Skype or play video games), he said a former lover proposed marriage and he was leaving the country to be with/marry her. It's been over a year since I've heard from him, but fully expect something in a few months because he does this cyclical pattern when he contacts me.
Okay guy.
A Little Black Book
Not my partner, but my boss (married mother of two) was always taking long lunches, forgetting things, dressing particularly nicely for normal days, seeming a little tipsy after lunch. Once, a friend mentioned the neighborhood she'd moved into appeared to have a big swingers vibe, and my boss laughed out loud but went back to her work, saying nothing.
We'd make jokes she was having an affair but I don't think anyone believed it. She was a proper southern lady, dedicated to her family, or so we thought.
After she passed away (RIP) they found a highly detailed sex log that specified huge numbers of guys and a liaison almost every day except the week she and her family took their annual vacation.
Tripsy-Daisy
I caught my boss cheating on his wife. We ran a really small screen printing operation and it all started with these "business trips". The first few times it was just a week or two, then over the span of a year the trips would become longer and longer and more frequent. I ran the business when he left. He wouldn't answer customer calls while he was there and never brought back any new clients, so I started to get suspicious.
One day he slipped up and sent an email to our work inbox that i used daily to correspond with customers. It was a receipt for a flight to new York for him and another woman... On his wedding anniversary... He never even called his wife that day. Now at this point I was not interested in outing him or meddling but I was the only one that talked to him daily. I loved his wife and when she came to me asking if I heard from him because he didn't call her on their 23rd wedding anniversary and didn't know where he was, i may have mentioned that he was in New York and maybe that was why he didn't call. She asked how I knew that and I told her there was an email in our work inbox.
I absolutely do feel guilty about being the one to lead her to finding out the truth but it ended up being what he wanted anyway. He didn't have the balls to tell her what was going on and wanted to get caught. They split and he now lives with the other woman. His ex wife is happier than she has ever been considering the wake of bullsh-t he left her to deal with.
A New World
Not me, but my ex girlfriend in highschool. Her father was a businessman who would travel back to their home country a lot for work. Apparently around the start of highschool he'd started travelling back home for work a lot more for longer durations.
Around the time we were in senior year, it came out that he had a secret family back home (wife and two kids, oldest one was maybe 3 or 4 which sparked the move I think) and he was planning to move back their home country to live with them instead.
I remember it all because she called me the night this all happened, about two years after we broke up (still friends) and she was pretty devastated.
They noticed the following suspicious things:
- His trips were less well-planned, and seemed spur of the moment
- Despite travelling for much longer he was still packing light
- He would call back home a lot less when he was travelling
Heroin(e)
I found the hidden heroin habit when I found him not breathing in the bathroom and the paramedics that came asked me if he's taken anything... I didn't know heroin enemas existed.
Paramedics unable to revive him and every year I think about what could have been...
A "Friend"
I was with a guy for about 6 months who would get really awkward when this one friend of his would call. He'd clench up when I'd ask about her and we'd always end up in a fight. Obviously, he turned it around and said I was insecure and jealous. He broke up with me pretty abruptly and didn't give me much of a reason. Turns out I was the mistress and she was the girlfriend. They're getting married this year.
Brother, Brother
So my dad's best friend lives in a city a few states over and they call each other pretty regularly (they've been friends since the 80s). One day his friend calls him kinda annoyed and says he saw a guy that looked just like him the other day in the city, and if my dad was visiting, why not come over and say hi? My dad says no, I was never in that city, I'm sat at home right now in Nowhere (my glorious hometown). His friend says huh, well this guy looked just like you, he could have been your brother.
Fast forward a few years and my dad is chatting with his dad (my grandpa) who is a WW2 vet and generally a pretty "keeps to himself" kinda guy. They were talking about how growing up, they didn't have two beans to rub together and my dad was always admiring his friends' fancy houses when he went there after school. As an adult he realised something literally didn't add up because my grandpa had a very well paid job as an executive and made a decent salary. So out of the blue his dad sits him down and says son, there's something you should know. The reason we were so poor when you were growing up was because before the war, I married in a bit of a rush to a lady in the city because she was expecting, and we had 3 kids, and when I got back from the war things didn't work out and we got a divorce. In those days a divorce was pretty unusual and seen as shameful, so it was a totally clean break, and he had no contact with the family ever again except for paying regular child support for each of his three kids. Meanwhile he met my grandma and had 3 kids with her, and hence, the lack of beans. Suddenly my dad realises that this doesn't just explain why they were so poor, it also explains the weird phone call from his friend. The guy his friend saw probably was his actual brother. My grandpa kept quiet about this for almost 40 years, not a word to anyone.
Pure Evil
I dated a guy in University who told me pretty much right away that he had terminal cancer and had about a year to live. I really liked him so I decided that I would stay with him and support him through it. He never wanted to talk about it and when I'd try to check in with him he'd go quiet and change the subject. He told me that I was the only person who knew about it and that I wasn't allowed to talk about it with anyone else. Well we ended up dating for three years, and I never once witnessed a doctor's appointment or any type of symptom (and I was still the only person who apparently "knew"). He became incredibly emotionally manipulative and abusive, tried to isolate me from friends and family, and eventually became physically abusive. Of course, whenever I would try to leave he'd use his "condition" to play on my emotions (and naivete) to get me to stay. He'd also physically block the door, pin me down, and do whatever he could to prevent me from physically leaving.
I'll never forget the day I told him that he was such a good person with a good heart (something to do with how he was handling an issue with his alcoholic mother), and he mumbled "No, I'm really not". I thought then that he was being humble, but looking back on it, it was probably guilt.
I've built a happy and successful life for myself now and have a wonderfully loving and supportive partner, but it still makes me full body cringe to think of how I spent so much time with what I consider to be pure evil.
Yikes
My wife went through a heroin addiction for a good chunk of time. When she finally came clean to me I was blown away. I had been spending so much time at work I guess I was never around to catch how off she would have been behaving. I felt like such a POS for not noticing. It was one of those things were I was only seeing her for a few hours before bed each night.
I looked back and realized that there were signs and that I had just been too stupid to think much of them. She was shaking when she went to bed. She would say her allergies were making her body itchy. She was also taking out a lot of cash from our account. At the time I figured she just liked spending in cash. She was picking at her face a lot leaving behind little marks all over. I just thought she was having a bad time dealing with acne. Those are just a few examples. I guess I should have also known it was weird that she would meet up with a "friend" every other night for about an hour.
Unfaithful
A very good friend of mine. She dated a guy who claimed to work in quality control for a nation-wide bakery chain. So traveling a lot was reasonable. They were together for 3 years (living together for one) and she knew he had an ex-wife with two children in another city, so he had to pay for them. She became pregnant, and shortly before birth she discovered the ex-wife was pregnant too. But she lived in the same city, and they were not separated at all obviously. He also had a completely different job, in town, without traveling.
Cheat?
Constantly accused me of cheating or wanting to cheat or trying to cheat.
If I went to the bathroom and didn't answer the phone I was cheating.
If I crossed the street to check out a store when I told him I was only going out for groceries I was cheating.
When I had a conversation with a mutual friend in front of him we were secretly with each other.
When I was pregnant with his child I was going to cheat.
The doctor who delivered my baby had to be a woman because a man would be looking at my vagina and I would probably cheat. I am not exaggerating or joking in this last one or any of the previous ones.
I stayed with him because I didn't know what normal was. My mom's a narcissist and my childhood was emotional hell. Family is everything and all that crap.
I just didn't know to run. Fast and far away a long time ago.
We split. Of course he himself was a cheater.
Racism Rebounded
Growing up we thought my dad had 4 kids (us, with our mom). Turns out he had families/mistresses on the side and had 13 kids total. Biggest giveaway was that there was a 30 year age difference between my mom and dad and he swooped in and married her on her 18th birthday soon after she got out of Catholic school. I'm almost 50 now with 2 kids and I'm still younger than he was when he married my then 18yo mom. He was almost 60 when I was born. With us he acted extremely prejudiced against a particular race, yet he had several children of that race. We found out late in life, when they came on a lifelong quest to meet their bio dad.
Being True To Herself
She slowly and then completely stopped being social or doing anything outside of the house that she usually enjoyed. It always seemed like she really wanted to go meet people, hang out, but then didn't feel up for it, or had work to do etc. I thought perhaps she was starting to get depressed. I would ask and keep an eye out but she seemed fine otherwise.
I honestly stumbled across browser history of gay male porn, and though "Huh...that's a little strange but I guess a lot of guys enjoy watching lesbian porn" Never thought of it again.
A few months after that I get a series of cryptic text messages while I am at the airport travelling for work. I am confused and am not sure what is going on, but once on the plane and a couple of hours into my airplane mode flight I start to realize......
Wait.....Is my wife of 6 years transgender?
Yes. After my work trip I came home to a husband.....
In hindsight the sudden reclusiveness was because they didn't want to meet new people as they were then. She wanted to meet new people as a man, not a woman.
Paper Heart
A friend found out that his dad was in the special forces after years believing he sold paper products abroad. He eventually discovered the truth after seeing his dad on a liveleak video receiving a blood transfusion after being shot. When he confronted him, his dad had said "Oh yea, that. The paper industry can be very competitive"
The Little Things
Husband was cheating. I knew something was wrong, but I never imagined that. He always had his phone, it was never out of his sight. When he came home from work he would be sitting in the driveway on his cell phone for awhile before coming in. Sex started getting sparse.... So many little things that I never even worried about, because I thought hey were normal marriage ups n downs, became huge "AHA" moments after I connected all the dots.
I still hate to see anyone who can't let their cell phone out of their sight or gets mad if their SO picks it up. It makes me immediately suspicious.
Good luck, I'm sure you're asking for a reason. :(
Health Updates?
Not a partner, but my husband's mom has been lying to us for years. She's had been having some financial troubles & moving a lot and made it seem like bad luck. Turns out she just doesn't pay her bills and has been evicted from everywhere that's she's lived in the last few years. In the last couple of year she has been pretending to have cancer. I'm a critical care nurse and it took me until I went to a class to get certified in chemo administration to wake up and realize she was lying about having cancer.
The signs we missed- She was moving all of the time for really silly reasons like her landlord sprung a rent increase on her or she wanted more animals than her current lease allowed. Bad things were always happening to her that impacted her ability to pay her bills like her boss screwing her over, getting robbed, and getting cancer. All of her health scares correlate with some big event in her children's lives like our engagement, her daughter moving across the country, her son getting married, etc. She texts us instead of calling to update us on big news related to her health.