Being a human is hard. There are a surprising number of dumb ways one can injure oneself, and if you're extra badly coordinated, chances are you'll have found a few of them.
A Reddit user asked:
That Knee's Got It In For You
When I was 18 I worked in a warehouse and was too lazy to pick up a shipping tote in my way so I attempted to jump over it, my toe caught it and slammed my knee into metal grate which instant locked and swole three times normal size.
When I went to ask to go home I had to claim I hurt it before work and thought I could handle working on it so I didn't get fired, on my way out of the doctor's office at a stop light someone rammed the back of my car and slammed that same knee into the dash while totalling my car.
My knee has never fully recovered and still flares up and swells when put under minor stress like taking stairs or hills but doctors can't find a problem with it and now I have a slight fear of jumping over anything.
Punched myself in the throat while trying to make the bed once.
Hahahaha!!! I have punched myself in the face while trying to adjust my bra. Twice...
Insult To Injury
Was running to the dentist's office (I was late) when I tripped on the concrete and chipped a tooth...
At least you were headed to the right place.
The dentist would have probably still blamed it on not flossing.
Our Backs Hate Us
i'm getting older. i once threw out my back while throwing out my knee.
You know you are getting old when your back goes out more than you do.
Is This A Thing?
I've been waiting my whole life (or 7 years) for this moment.
So I'm at home, hungry as f$ck, can't cook shit so my go to is microwave tacquitos. I have to pee so I throw them in, set the timer, and mad dash for the bathroom. Why mad dash? Because for some reason, I had to challenge myself to pee and get back to the kitchen before the microwave went off. I like stupid games, it's because I'm pretty stupid.
So I run from the microwave, and the next room is the living room. We had a couch with built in recliners, so I tried to jump over the recliner part, I thought I would clear it no problemo. My foot catches, and I'm pretty sure I put all of the force of the fall on my elbow. Like all of it. I stood up, stumble to the bathroom, and quickly realize that everything is Not Okay, Like At All. Kind of felt like I might throw up, but I just sat down for a second (or 5 minutes) and tried to stay calm. My arm hurt like shit, I called my mom, and she said it's probably bruised. We waited a couple days before I said it really needed to get checked out, and yeah, it was broken in two places. All because I wanted to run to the bathroom, pee, and get back before my stupid tacquitos finished cooking.
Hey, I'm also a gay named Jay. And I do the same thing with the microwave... Hm.
Not called Jay but I still do the microwave challenge. I'm 38.
If At First You Don't Succeed
I licked a Tesla Coil and ended up with electrical burns on my tongue.
In my defense, I did it again.
Pride Hurts Worse Than Anything
On my bike, leaving my home for work. I adjusted my bookbag over my shoulder and thus my front tire veered during the 2 seconds I had my hand off one handle and went into my yard which had a slight decline and caused my tires to gain speed.
Resulting in me going fast enough to be unable to course correct and avoid hitting my OWN FIRE HYDRANT dead on and careening over the thing like one of those r/hadtohurt videos, full scorpion even though my bike then landed on top of me.
I was winded and otherwise mostly fine except for some scrapes. But my pride would not be spared another blow, as I heard screeching tires and the rapid pitter patter of a middle aged man's frantic body jogging toward me. The street had been quiet except of course for one car, with this guy in it who witnessed my fall from grace. My whole shame.
Then I had to insist I was okay because he kept asking and questioning how I was fine. That I was in fact in front of my own house and my dad was inside. He thought I was delusional and concussed and that I needed an ER because how could anyone hit their own fire hydrant in such a spectacular fashion?
It wasn't until my father came out that he believed me.
I did not go into work that day. I am grateful this was over 12 years ago and was never recorded for posterity and internet laughs.
Wear Clothes While Cooking!
Making pancakes without a shirt on. Premature flip and splatter resulted in a peppering of pancake lava all over my chest.
If It Can Remove Paint From Bricks, It Can Remove Skin From Humans!
So this isn't me but I was with them when it happened.
So me and two other staff members are power washing some of the wibits we have on the lake (those big plastic inflatables people have on the water) and yes I know this is a bad idea I was from a different area and told to help i just scrubbed))
Anyway we are cleaning for a while and the guy holding the power washer and drops it down and shoots the third guy in the foot drawing blood. Now anyone who has worked with power washers knows that HOLY HELL IS THAT BAD and reasonably the guy who was just shot starts freaking out
The guy who shot him says "Oh quit complaining it isn't that bad" and then proceeds to point it point blank at his own foot... fires... and is yelling obscenities.
Together they hobble up to the health lodge to bandage their feet up.
Sleep Is Surprisingly Dangerous!
I dislocated my toe while sleeping lol
I dislocated my jaw while yawning, petition to ban tiredness
MagpiXDi dislocated my shoulder while sleeping, woke up and popped it back in