How's the saying go? "Secrets, secrets, are no fun. Secrets, secrets, hurt someone."
Unless the person you're trying to keep a secret from is your romantic partner. Then a hurtful secret is probably best kept written down in a journal in a box in the back of your dresser drawer at the bottom of a lake.
Well, unless Reddit asks you to share.
Reddit user, [usernameredacted], wanted you to open up when they asked:
On A Completely Unrelated Note...
GF locked her keys in her running car with her dog inside when picking up her daughter from daycare. I lied and said I had AAA so it'd be free to get lockout service. In reality I ordered AAA on the spot and paid the extra to have same day service so she didn't have something else to worry about.
Protect All The Feelings
The first piece of jewellery I bought my wife was a necklace. We went on holiday and she lost it.
I said I would replace it but it wasn't the same, she was upset that she'd lost it for sentimental reasons.
I emailed the hotel and of course they hadn't found it. So I bought a replacement and told my wife they found it.
Clones On Clones On ClonesGiphy
My wife thinks that our beta fish mojito lived for like 5 years.
What she doesn't know is that the role of mojito has been played by 3 separate beta fish over that time. RIP mojito 2 and 3.
There's No Remote Goblins. It Was Me.
The remote didn't disappear. I accidentally put it through the washing machine and destroyed it and threw it out in a panic.
I Swear I Didn't See Anything
We don't exchange a lot of gifts at Christmas but try and pick something out that each one of us would really love to have, but didn't ask for.
This year while my wife was out walking the dogs, the UPS guy knocks on the door and drops off a large package. It was a Pizzeria Pronto! I took it inside and then thought to myself, nah, let me put it back on the front porch.
She came in from the walk and hid the box in her Jeep. When Christmas rolled around, she was very pleased that she was able to surprise me with something I really wanted!
Welcome To My Nightmare
My S.O. snores. Been with her 19 years and she snores EVERY night.
Mostly I can get to sleep and I sleep through it, but I KNOW I am not getting great sleep. I've asked her to see if we can do something about it, even suggested we do didgeridoo lessons together (the breathing technique does wonders for snoring and why not learn a weird instrument?). She's never really bothered. Her snoring can manifest as sleep apnea, which besides just not being good, is a contributor to anxiety (which she has) so it'd be good for her too.
So, we've recently moved. 2 nights ago the next door neighbour's dog was barking in the middle of the night and kept her up for an hour or two. She kept mentioning it all day and kept telling me how tired she was.
I gave some perfunctory sympathy but no more, because secretly it was all I could do to not say 'Welcome to EVERY NIGHT in my life'.
It's not a big secret, but yeah.
It Was Me All Along...
My wife once did the joke:
Why did the Chicken cross the road? To get to the idiot's house. Knock knock. Who's there? The Chicken.
Over text with me. I "fell for it" because I knew it would make her happy.
She loves talking about how she "got me" and it makes her so happy I can't bring myself to tell her I was the one who told her the joke in the first place.
Hold Nothing Back
I called CPS on his brother.
The Whole Tooth
When I was 19, I was missing four prominent teeth. To cover this up, I wore a plate with fake teeth that 'replaced' the top two of them that I would take out and put under my pillow every night; the other two were bottom teeth that I would hide with my mouth (being very careful when I talked and laughed). My boyfriend didn't know for a whole six months. The only reason I told him was because one of fake teeth broke off. He had literally no idea.
Always Keep A Jar Nearby
My ex boyfriend has an intense phobia of spiders, so whenever we spot one, I quickly grab a jar and trap the spider. When he asks me how big it is, I always say it's smaller than it actually is. I try to do this discretely without him knowing so he won't constantly worry about it. I once found a huge spider by our bed, I quickly trapped it and hid the jar, all while he was showering. We are now broken up, but still live together. I still have the jar so I'm ready to trap any more spiders for him if needed.
My First Time. Promise.
sometimes ill pretend that i haven't seen a movie he wants to watch and act surprised at the right moments because he wants us to watch movies for the first time together and gets sad when I've seen movies without him.
Not An Expert In The Kitchen
Her cooking.... It's either over cooked, under cooked, bland or just no good. BUT I always ate it and told her thank you for dinner.
No, No, No, It's My Towel
Going to get lost, but, my wife is very adamant about nobody using her towel. So if I accidentally forget my hair towel I'll just use hers and throw it in the dryer before she gets home from work.
Where's The Cheese!?
My husband bought mozzarella cheese a couple weeks ago. I was cleaning out the fridge and threw out an open bag of cheese. I didn't really think about it since there were a few old things next to it. I just went into auto pilot.
The next day my husband is wondering where the cheese is. I haven't told him, lol.
Never Knew. Promise.
I found out that my husband was proposing before he did it. He'd had the ring for awhile and had been offering to check the mail (so I wouldn't see the envelope from Helzburg) and that should have been my first clue.
Day before my birthday we were going out to dinner and I had a package coming so I checked the mail and found a bill from Helzburg. I didn't open it and stuck it in one of my books. He proposed that night and I gave him the bill the next day like it had come that day.
'Man, good thing I proposed last night.'
'Sure was babe.'
Always Vote The Same
My SO has no idea that we're politically opposite, we voted for opposite candidates, and we're members of the two "opposite" American political parties. A week or so ago I overheard her talking to her friend, "we're both X party" and I just smiled. When she brings home political news I love it! "Did you hear about this? It's great!" or "This is awful!" are the things that excite me because, usually, I like to hear what she has to say about it, I love to learn, and I like to figure out why she thinks what she does.
She does the same to me. I joke with my pub friends from time to time about her former dating profile from the site I met her on - she had the classic "I'll never date a Y party member" - because we're both in the best relationship we've ever been in. With the current divisive nature of American politics wherein people will cut others out of their lives simply because they support other politicians, I think finding out I'm of another party might cause major issues. This secret is staying buried.
Just Say You Eat The Meat
I tried lying about being a vegetarian for three years, that one blew up horribly in my face and I feel better off with it off my chest; almost cost me my relationship though!
Would not reccomend.
It Was Love At First Sight
That I fell in love with her on the first date.
I was afraid it would have scared her away (it most definitely would have) and I was in denial. I had major walls up and she was perfect that first date and has been ever since. I didn't want it to end and I still can't get enough time with her.
My wife has a beautiful heart. I jokingly call her a Disney princess because any animal that she comes across she has to talk to, and greet. She has cried by seeing a dead raccoon on the side of the road before.
At the time, I was working day shift and she was working a swing shift. I had a busy day, but I saw she sent me some pictures of a young doe that was eating in our front yard. She seemed thrilled. I came home and saw the same deer! Dead. On my god damned porch. I felt like I started to hear "the first 48" theme playing as I realized I have six hours to get rid of this thing before my wife gets home and her world is shattered. I call my local city authorities thinking they wouldn't want a dead animal in the middle of town. Turns out, they couldn't care less. I called some local raptor shelters to see if they could take a stat donation but it turns out the dead deer business is booming and they didn't have a need for donations at this time, especially in the next 6 hours.
Frustrated, I call my dad to vent and get advice on what to do. His response is only a "Hold on bud, I'll be there in 15 minutes." I go back inside to take care of the dogs and within the next 15 minutes I see me dad back his huge truck into my back yard, has the tail gait down and is knocking on my door with a pair of nitrile gloves on and another pair in hand for me. It was starting to get dark out, but we had that thing loaded up and found a special place to, uh. "Dispose" [of] it. We made it back with 20 minutes to spare before my wife got home.
I haven't told my wife because I think it would either break her heart, or creep her out at how efficiently my dad can dump a body.
Anyway, wifey thinks her deer friend is alive and well, and totally not at the bottom of a ravine.
Wait, Even My Mom Was Lying To Me??
His favorite dip is like 80% mayo. He has a terrible aversion to mayo. His mom has made it when he's not been around his whole life, and now I continue the charade.
(It's a really good dip.)
0.5 Cup Sour Cream
1.5 Cup Mayonnaise
2 Tablespoons Dried Dill Weed
2 Tablespoons Dried Minced Onion
1 Tablespoon Dried Parsley
1 Teaspoon Garlic Powder
1/8 Teaspoon Salt
Mix everything together, chill for 30 mins (longer is better). Serve in a hollowed-out pumpernickel bread boule with the removed bits pulled into smallish pieces.