We all have cringeworthy memories that keep us up at night, things that make our faces sweat at 3 a.m. with the awful realization that yes, you did do that.
Today's burning question from Redditor skrt99: "What cringe thing that you did in your lifetime keeps you up at night?"
Some of you might find you're in good company.
"It was my first day in high school..."
It was my first day in high school and we were supposed to introduce ourselves through a skit, well I introduced myself like I was a WWE wrestler, complete with my own "ring-entrance walk", chants that I thought were supposed to hype up my new classmates and even had a made up wrestler nickname LMAO
I still wake up sweating every now and then remembering that.
"Lie about stupid things..."
Lie about stupid things like how rich my parents were, places we'd travelled to, etc (I grew up dirt poor with struggling parents).
"I once passed..."
I once passed what might've been the most disgusting sounding fart of all time, in front of a 100+ person class while giving a presentation. To try to cover it up, I said "well, excuse you, professor."
My friends still haven't let me live that one down.
"We both just sat in silence."
My crush came to my house to do a high school project. It involved the Internet and while she sat next to me she tried to navigate to Google on my computer. Unfortunately, the address bar auto-filled and took her to my last Google search... page two of results for her name. Every link had been clicked. We both just sat in silence.
"Asked my crush out..."
Asked my crush out, she said "omg ew what the f*ck" and ran away. Her friends nearby looked like they had witnessed a murder.
I am still haunted by this.
"In an attempt to be less awkward..."
Giphy
In an attempt to be less awkward I'm trying to take more time to think before I speak.
This backfired in a big way in December.
I ran into a cousin who I hadn't seen for a few years. He said hello and I was trying to think of a greeting since it was just about Christmas. I thought I would say seasons greetings or something but then I realized that might be a bit lame.
So while I'm internalizing this in my head I'm basically just staring at the guy. Who is probably thinking I don't recognize him so now I begin to panic. Now I will need to include his name in this greeting so he doesn't think I'm rude.
It's been a long time, I still haven't said anything. It feels like the most time ever since anyone has ever talked.
So in my head I'm like okay SAY SOMETHING. Anything has got to be better than this.
But in my panic all words leave my brain and what comes out is....
"CONGRATULATIONS..... Joshua"
"I was very shy growing up..."
I was very shy growing up and had trouble carrying a conversation. Writing was a strength, though, so I decided to hand write a note to the girl I had a crush on and put it in her locker (cringe by itself).
To my surprise, she came up and started talking to me the next day after school. I had imagined her most likely ignoring my letter or if anything writing back. I was so extremely flustered all I could focus on was her smile and the heat of my full-face blush.
She finished what she had to say and walked away.
Then, to my horror, I realized I had no idea what she said.
"I was still inexperienced..."
I was still inexperienced with my GF at the time and thought it would be spontaneous and hot to pick her up off the bed and kiss her with her legs wrapped me standing up.
However, she had no idea I was intending to do this so I struggled to lift her dead weight for a few agonising seconds. Then I thought "f-- this" and used all my strength to lift her up but I overdid it causing her to hit her head on the ceiling light, I drop her out of shock and she hits her head on the end of the bed.
She was completely okay and we laughed about it but I was so embarrassed.
"Every now and again..."
Every now and again I go back to my very first almost sexual encounter with a girl. She's got her hand on my thigh, she's running a finger over my pants, she just told me I have really pretty eyes. Now would probably be a pretty good time to kiss her. Nah, I decided I needed to return the compliment, but I couldn't think of anything, so I blurted out that she was a butterface. Two things: she was NOT a butterface, and she didn't know what a butterface was. She asked me. I explained it to her. I remained a virgin for six more years.
"I made the mistake..."
I made the mistake in middle school to wear white jeans to school. Everyone of my "friends" kept laughing and whispering behind my back the entire day. It wasn't until my last class a girl I sat with was kind enough to tell me I had period blood on my pants, and gave me her hoodie to tie around my waist. I had given presentations in 3 classes that day so everyone in my classes knew I was on my period. Luckily it was a lighter flow day and it wasn't like a murder scene. Mom let me stay home from school for the remainder of my period and I lost all my friends in the process because they were assh*les.
But now I'm best friends with the girl who gave me her hoodie so I've got that going for me.
"When I was a teenager..."
When I was a teenager I had a little crush on one of my female friends.
One day she starts hitting on me and suggestively nibbles and sucks on my finger. I get all nervous and jokingly say "Hey you don't know where that finger's been!"
I wake up some nights in a cold sweat remembering the look on her face at that moment.
"I lied to my counselors..."
Giphy
I lied to my counselors about getting into a certain pre-med program that apparently was a MUCH bigger deal than I thought it was right before leaving for college... I had gotten into A premed program but when asked on the spot I couldn't recall and I just agreed to whatever name was thrown out for it. They got super excited and congratulated me and I assumed that would be the end of it.
Well... They made a huge announcement the next day over the PA system of the School congratulating me and even gave me a certificate and took pictures shaking my hand... teachers were congratulating me all day and I even started getting special treatment.
I'm sure they eventually found our after I left the and I've been to embarrassed to even visit my old high school...
"I had a massive inappropriate crush..."
I had a massive inappropriate crush on my married math teacher in middle school. The poor man was clearly not at all endeared by it. Puberty was very cruel to me and I was not cute.
On the last day of school, I was too shy to approach him to sign my yearbook, so I had my friends do it. He signed it and suddenly that's when I worked up the courage to go ask him myself.
He awkwardly signed it a second time and didn't say a word to me.
"It all started..."
I accidentally started a cult in high school.
It all started with my group of friends having some laughs. I started to joke about being a "family" and gave everyone weird family roles. Like you're the weird aunt, and you're the grandma, etc. But then there was one weird chick who started taking it super seriously and wrote down everyone's "roles".
Then she started adding tons of people and even started doing strange rituals to initiate people into the "family". At that point I bailed.
They ended up vandalizing property, threatening students and teachers, sent out death threats, etc. The police actually started watching them as a serious gang threat.
All because of some f*ckin joke i made.
"My first party..."
I went to my first party with alcohol and I was flirting with this random girl, she gave me drink after drink until I was feeling pretty bad.
We ended up kissing. I threw up on her face.
"Straight men of Reddit, what is the strangest thing you have been told not to do because 'that's gay?'"
The following behavior just screams, "gay," fellas. Watch out.
Song Choice
"Sing a Lily Allen song during karaoke."
– KentuckyFriedEel
School Protocol
"Advice I received in high school from other students:"
"Don't cross your legs with one knee over the other. Put one ankle over the other knee."
"When carrying books, palm them and carry them at your side. Don't rest one edge of the books near your waist."
"Never button the top button of your shirt."
– Gorf_the_Magnificent
Look, But Don't Look
"This one time, at summer camp, this guy who'd just been swimming in the lake told me you could tell how cold the water was by how hard his nipples were. 'But don't stare too long,' he said, 'because that's gay.'"
"You were the one who told me to look in the first place!"
– SonOfTheShire
Sandwich For Sissies
"When I was a kid, my dad called me a sissy because I cut a sandwich diagonally."
– captainmagictrousers
Getting Woodwind
"I played the clarinet. I got called Faginet a lot."
– Virtual_Caramell
"But that's one women do," one might argue.
Daddy Duty
"Changing my daughter's diaper. Mentioned it in the office one day. Called gay."
– Bullydaddy
A Lighter Shade
"Buying a white IPhone."
– Freshrendar
"Added my husband (then boyfriend) to my phone plan. Went to the store on my own to upgrade both our phones. We both just wanted the next gen Samsung. It was only available in purplish-pink in store."
"I shrugged and said it didn't matter, he's putting a case on it anyways. Guys working at the store kept trying to talk me out of it, actively pushing me to go to another store, making them lose commission, just so my partner wouldn't have a feminine phone. He used his pink phone for 3 years."
– Caity26
Life Skills
"I've been criticized for knowing how to sew and cook. Those are essential life skills!"
– placeholderNull
"My father was a Marine drill instructor in the 50's. Guess who did all the sewing in my house growing up?"
"Yeah, no one dared to call him gay for it."
– desrever1138
Here are examples of guidelines for being a manly man, according to manly men.
Manly Appetite
"Not a straight man but... back in my bartending days I asked a man if he wanted to see a dessert menu. He said 'if I wanted dessert I'd order wings like a real man.'"
"Weird flex but okay."
– BigJiggies
When I'm In The Mood, I Masticate
"When I'm feeling extra manly, I just take a bite out of a cow and then chew on some raw wheat."
"Like a man."
– AmigoDelDiabla
No Appointments Necessary For Straight Men
"I left a pick-up basketball game because I had an appointment to get a haircut. Evidently, the only straight way to get a haircut is as a walk in."
– patricksaurus
Abiding By The Law Is So Gay
"Using turn signals. And not as some sort of euphemism, but literally using them while driving to turn or change lanes."
– Sargatanus
In grade school, some fellow classmates asked me to check for gum on my shoe because they saw me step in some.
When I lifted my leg to take a gander, the boys were howling hysterically as if my actions confirmed something.
Well, it sure did. Apparently, if I l looked at the bottom of my shoe from in front of me, I was "normal," but since I bent my leg back and looked at the bottom of my shoe from behind, that made me "so gay."
Although, I didn't come out 'til years later, maybe those goons were onto something. Thanks for the heads up, guys.
Want to "know" more?
Sign up for the Knowable newsletter here.
Never miss another big, odd, funny or heartbreaking moment again.