Long time readers have heard me talk about my family before, and will know that I grew up in the church. Now when I say "in the church" I don't mean going to church a lot. I mean ... like ... making church. Behind the scenes production team kind of stuff. My parents were both ministers, and I spent six days a week in church as a default setting. Meaning if I wasn't at school or out specifically doing something else, I was in church.
I didn't like it. At all. But it never struck me as potentially toxic or damaging to me. That didn't happen until I was an adult.
Now I'm not saying religious upbringings are all bad, or that minister's kids can't be healthy happy people - but holy sh*tsnacks did my life lack balance! I had no friends outside of the kids of other church officials (there weren't very many.) I was often unsupervised for hours at a time in a room in a church where tons of other adults had total access to me. It didn't end well all the time. On a good night I would fall asleep in a pew somewhere and one of my parents would wake me up to take me home when they were done. On a bad night... you can research statistics and make some informed guesses.
Lack of sleep is incredibly damaging to children. I was subject to insane expectations and pressure because everything I did/didn't do was seen as a direct reflection of my parents and the church. Mistakes were not allowed. I had no time to gain any social skills or real-world knowledge, but I was intellectually quite advanced so I started high school at 12 years old and was the perfect victim for older, bigger, less naive classmates. My parents were hyper-focused on church and totally blind to how it hurt me. I stopped going as soon as adulthood allowed and almost never go back.
Again, I'm not saying church was toxic, I'm saying my parent's hyper-focus on it with no regard to their child was toxic. It wasn't purposeful or malicious. My parents adore me! It was honestly just batsh*t insane.
Reddit user u/RehmanAbraham asked:
What did your parents/family do that you later realized was insane?
And yeah, this came to mind immediately, so I read through to see what other people's experiences have been. Turns out, I'm totally not the only one who looked back as a grown-up and went "... wtf?"
Here are some of the more popular responses.
Mom's Tent
When my mother "left" my dad, she pitched a tent in my walk-in closet. I was 7 or 8 and she lived in my closet for months before she got her own place. I still remember her reading her Joyce Meyer books by lamplight.
Howling With Duke
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We lived on a farm in the middle of nowhere (at least 35 mins to the nearest grocery store.) I am not sure how it started, because I was a kid; but any time our puppy dog howled, we would all howl. Loudly. To the point that it was a deafening sound and would kind of make your ears rattle.
His name was Duke. I would occasionally howl first because then he would follow and then so would my mother, father, and two older brothers. I thought it was awesome and it felt invigorating to do. I now realize this is odd.
The 1997 Computer Incident
On the day my dad decided to buy our family's first PC, he loaded me and my younger sisters into the back of our little two door Honda and drove the 20 minutes to the store.
After purchasing the computer, my dad realize there wasn't enough room in our tiny car for three children, car seats, and the giant 1997 computer. So he LEFT US at the store, apparently thinking that if he bought us all candy bars, that'd be enough to keep a 5, 3, and 2 year old occupied and out of trouble. He took the new computer home and then turned around to come back and get us, having left us alone for easily 40 minutes
Matchmaker Mom
My mom was always very invested in our romantic lives, partly because that was an area where we didn't stack up well as compared to our cousins. The most insane manifestation of this was when I agreed to go out on a date with a guy, only to find out before the date that he was a predator.
Mom flipped out trying to convince me not to cancel the date. "You don't know if you don't give him a chance!"
Thankfully, my dad was on my side and I cancelled the date. But Mom sulked the entire rest of the night and demanded I log her in to my Facebook account so she could scroll through my friends list so that she could see which of my male friends were straight and single so that she could push me towards them instead.
Locked In Our Room For Hours
My brother and I would be locked in our room for hours at a time and told to be absolutely silent. Went on for a few years.
One morning I woke up super early, earlier than normal, and was hungry. So I went to ask my mom for oatmeal. I open the bedroom door, and my mom is rubbing the back of a shirtless, sleeping man who is NOT my dad. Mom panics, jumps out of bed and gently pushes me out of the room. I kinda stand in the kitchen confused, when my dad comes in from another part of the house and asks wtf I'm doing, and sends me back to my room.
They finally divorced a couple years ago, and my mom confided that my dad made her sell herself to pay the bills for a while when we were kids.
A lot of memories made sense after that.
Murder Weapon For The PB&Js
My parents visited underground Atlanta back in the early 90's. Not the safest place. Anyways, my brother was a baby and crawled under a bench they were sitting on. He pulled out an umbrella bag with a very sinister knife inside.
My parents don't report the knife or anything, but instead KEEP it and it becomes a staple knife in our kitchen. So yea, pretty sure my parents used a murder weapon to cut the crust off our pb&js.
Third World Countries
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When I was in 6th grade (I think) my mom decided we needed to understand what it was like for people in third world countries. We ate oatmeal for breakfast, beans and rice for lunch, could have one fruit for a snack, and beans and rice plus some romaine lettuce for dinner. All of this for a month, and we were only allowed 3 cheat meals.
In high school looking back I just thought she was batsh*t nuts. But once I started having bills and such of my own it occurred to me, my parents were just that broke. They just didn't want us to think of it that way, so they tried to make it into some lesson. Damn do I love those two people.
The Babysitter
I was seven and my brother was five (during the early 80's). We were told to wait in the school parking lot for the babysitter to pick us up. Thing is, we never met her before and had no idea what she looked like. So we waited until a woman pulled up with a picture of us in her hand. She showed us the picture and asked if it was us. We said it was and she told us she's our babysitter. We got in the car without thinking twice. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
The Scenic Drive
My dad had a bad drinking problem. As a young kid with a drunk for a dad I never really thought about him purposely killing us. He was an angry drunk but mostly verbal abuse. It wasn't unusual for him to go out for a ride after a drunk fight.
He had just gotten into a fight with my step mother and needed a drive to burn off all the alcohol in his system. He drove us twenty minutes into the woods on a sandy trail in a minivan. He didn't say much during the ride. We got stuck (obviously because we were in a 2wd caravan) but luckily some 4wd truck dude came through and winched us out.
When that guy showed up dad wasn't quiet anymore and we left the woods when we were unstuck and went home. I'm not sure what his intentions were that day but this was the only time he took some of his kids with him. I'm guessing that's what had my stepmother so upset. The look on my stepmothers face when we returned made me rethink whether it was a fun ride in the woods or a "f*ck this life" moment worthy of the nightly news that I had just narrowly averted.
Dad's Therapist
Throughout my childhood I would end up being my dad's therapist. He'd often tell me he sometimes wished he would go to sleep and never wake up. A bit heavy for a 12 year old to hear from their parent I guess.
After I became a teen and could drive, he'd call me in the middle of the night while I was at my mom's house and ask me to rush over because he was sick and needed help. I spent a lot of nights feeding him jello and sitting awake in his room so he could sleep because his medication would make him hallucinate and think demons were going to kill him in his sleep.
It wasn't until I was older I realized I missed a lot of my childhood because I had to parent him instead of the other way around.
Eventually he found a wife who takes care of him and cut me out of his life. Apparently he tells her stories about how I never spent time with him and never cared because she sends me rants about how awful I am.
Email Scams
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My dad fell victim to many money scams in the early 2000s. He would always say he's sitting on a gold mine and I thought we were gonna be rich. Yeah I don't think he's learned his lesson, I still catch him replying to bullsh*t emails.
She Couldn't Just Leave
My dad began doing drugs and drinking crazy amounts of alcohol when I was young. I didn't really notice or think it was strange until I was around 12. All kinds of weird stuff ensued: he peed on my moms dog, broke my kids table, threw a hair dryer at my mom, and more I don't know. My mom and I moved out when I was 15 and I was so excited, but then he decided to go to rehab and I didn't understand why my mom couldn't just leave.
But rehab changed his life, he's like a different person and honestly it's so weird being around him being all nice and stuff now. Still an ass sometimes, but harmless. I'm 20 now, and I think I've moved on from my hate and I love him but idk. Emotions are weird.
Alex Jones And 4th Grade
When I was still in elementary school I lived with my dad/step-mother. Long story short, thet were extremely racist and homophobic. Racist towards Middle Easterners specifically. This only started when I was 8 and he began to watch Alex Jones almost every day (back in 2013 when Alex Jones had less eyes on him).
The way he explained it made sense to me, an 8 year old with a very manipulable mind. That kind of sucked later on because I had a best friend in 4th grade named Ali, who I found out was Muslim. I, under the manipulated spell of my father, did not know what to do.
I didn't want to ask my dad if having a Muslim friend was okay, because I know how he thinks. He'd pull my ass right out of the school if he knew. And I didn't want to stop being friends with Ali.
To make the rest of a very long story short. I moved to my moms and don't speak to my father often. I haven't spoken to Ali in a while - not because I'm a racist, but moving to my moms meant moving 300 miles away.
Now I do my best to be nice to every one, no matter their beliefs, skin, or sexuality. If any Muslim users read this, I am truly sorry people like my dad exist. And I'm sorry that their prejudices rub off on their children. Maybe someday we can all live together regardless of skin color. Best of luck to those of u who stuck through that long-ass story.
Armed And Unmedicated
My family doesn't believe in mental illnesses despite everyone having one; so little-to-none of us are properly medicated. All of the teen boys are armed to the teeth and have been in trouble with the law...
I'm almost 24 and have been trying to find a way to convince my parents to let me get therapy. (Literally once a week, free. But, I'd have to pay gas money but I can't because I cannot find work so I have no money...)
"There Won't Be A Fire"
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My mom would take batteries out of the smoke detectors and put them in the TV remote. When I first noticed her doing that I asked, "What if there's a fire?"
She rolled her eyes and said, "There won't be a fire." So we didn't have smoke detectors for decades.
In 2013 there was a fire and the only reason we didn't die was because my husband noticed it. Everyone was asleep.
Ramona
My aunt and uncle had a small doll that the whole family treated as their daughter. Her name was Ramona and we took her everywhere with us. We talked to Ramona as if she was a real person. She had clothes, toys, a bed and she even had her own seat at the table. I knew Ramona since forever and it never crossed my mind that other people didn't do that. I was 25 when i realized that Ramona was a replacement for the child they could never had.
My uncle died 10 years ago and it sort of felt that Ramona died too and my aunt decided to bury her with him so they could be together
Sweat Time
So growing up, I was a fat kid. My parents would lock me in my room for hours with no food and a cup of water to "sweat the calories out of me."
Where I live, temperatures go from 90-105 degrees. I had no idea what was going on; they just called it "sweat time" and acted like it was a normal thing. So i just rolled with it and played on my ps2.
The Maggots
MAGGOT HOT DISH
My family lived on a farm that had lots of farm animals and any animals that died would be tossed into a dumpster and were picked up later for disposal. Of course the rotting animals would attract flies in the meantime. To keep us busy my mom would send my sister and I, with little zip lock baggies, out to collect maggots out of the dumpster FULL OF ROTTING ANIMALS. My mom would then pretend she was making the maggots into rice dishes.
My sister and I would ACTUALLY EAT THIS thinking it was the maggots we collected and were totally fine with it. Didn't find out this was weird until late elementary school.
No Talking
My parents had a strict no talking at the dinner table rule, like not even to ask to pass the salt, not a single word was allowed to be said while we are eating. I grew up with it and just accepted it, I really struggle to do "social dinners" to this day my brain just goes "food time not talk time"
Vacuuming
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My dad didn't like vacuuming so growing up, he'd make me and my brother pick up pieces of lint and fuzz off of the carpet by hand for long periods of time. I prefer tile flooring now to say the least.
So what do you look back on and cringe?
The excuses people use to dismiss behavior range from mundane and meaningless to the sort of leaps normally reserved for kangaroos and Olympians. It's sometimes amazing that these excuses work - but they do.
Some of them work so well that they're just sort of "accepted." That, obviously, kind of sucks and is something we should avoid - so let's talk about 'em.
Can't swerve around what you don't see, ya know?
Reddit user TMTtasmachine asked:
What's the biggest excuse used for a-hole behavior that shouldn't be accepted as much as it is?
... and away we go.
Jerk Privileges
" 'That's just how they are.' "
"One of the biggest enablers for tantrum throwing, bullying, etc. is that they get treated with kid gloves to avoid dealing with them." - alexrt87
"Oh my God you hit the nail on the head. Whenever someone says 'that's just the way they are' I say:"
" 'Yes, that's the point! Glad you noticed too! Now is it okey-doke for them to be jerks they have special jerk privileges? Or maybe they are just people and should treat everyone else as such?' " - notatrumpchump
"It depends on how it's said."
"People are the way that they are, and you shouldn't be surprised when they continue to be that way."
"This, obviously, doesn't excuse it - but people also shouldn't be surprised when a bad person continues to make bad decisions. Neither should we waste space in our minds being bothered by it." - unlawfulfoxy
Harassment Isn't Humor
season 2 lol GIF by ShamelessGiphy" 'It's just a joke, bro.' Harassing people isn't humor." - loading__99
"Schrödinger's Douchebag"
"A guy who says/does offensive things and decides whether he was joking based on the reaction of people around him." - Eatsleeptren
"Dude, legit had someone come up to me and start shouting in my face, calling me Madison, pretending I was cheating on him. Literally the most crowded location outside a theater, everyone staring at us, looking at me like I was some horrible cheater while I was out with my then fiancé."
"I started hyperventilating, my fiancé nearly decked the dude, and then someone shouts 'CUT' like this is some big 'YOU'RE ON CANDID CAMERA' moment and everything's supposed to be okay."
"I burst into tears."
"It was the most humiliating moment of my life, and thank god my then fiancé, now husband is not the type to overreact or jump to conclusions, or be abusive. Imagine how bad that could have been for someone with an angry or abusive partner."
"Prank videos are a plague on the internet and there is a REASON so many of them are fake, or involve actors." - Darkovika
Stay Sober, Then!
Drunk Drinking Beer GIFGiphy" 'I was drunk / high / etc.' "
"Then don't drink?! Stay sober if you can't NOT be an a**hole!" - BasedBenjamin
"Alternately, I hear a lot of 'I'm a happy drunk!' "
"Yeah, according to your drunk a$s. That doesn't mean you're not an ahole. Not remembering is not an excuse either." - PepeBabinski
"I was that guy. I swore I was a 'happy drunk' - and I was. It was everyone ELSE who was miserable while I was happy."
"I was also loud, obnoxious, and I wouldn't remember sh*t the next day."
"Quitting drinking has been one of my best choices of my life." - TTungsteNN
"Help"
new girl coach GIFGiphy" 'I'm just trying to help you' " - Miserable-Air1234
"Every time I've heard this, they're manipulating me while helping only themselves." - mykittenfarts
"My Mom to a T. Everything she does is better than anyone else's and she always gets pissed that people don't praise her for 'helping.' "
"She's now a certified (by herself) psychic and I have come to the conclusion that she's not a covert narcissist but an obvious one. I really wish I was joking." - Silent_Discussion657
Parenting Problems
Leave Me Alone Run GIF by TLC EuropeGiphy"Any variation of 'I'm a Mother/parent.' "
"Had some lady cut me in line at a coffee shop and she hit me with 'I'm a single Mom of 3!' as her excuse."
"Ok? And? I was still here first." - maid-for-hire
"I'm a single mom and I f*cking haaaate when other single moms/parents pull that sh*t to get special treatment."
"Last week, I was having a rough morning, my kid was being difficult, and I was running late. I was rude to a cashier over a minor inconvenience."
"Not only did I apologize for my shitty behavior, I wrote corporate to let them know how professional and patient she was while I acted like a f*cking toddler."
"Was being a parent part of the reason I was frustrated? Absolutely. Was it an excuse for that behavior? HELL no."
"I acted like a b*tch, and I called myself out, and I apologized. I still feel bad about that - I rarely let things get to me to the point I snap at others." - ClusterfckyShtshow
"Wow. I'm a Mom as well and tired but it doesn't give anyone a right to use it as some sort of ploy to get away with stuff."
"Like, mice become Moms about 12 times a year. You're not special 🤣" - SpoonLoops
Believing Your Boss
The Office Monday GIF by 20th Century Fox Home EntertainmentGiphy"I had a boss say some really racist sh*t around me one day and the next day, out of nowhere, he says:"
" 'Don't believe half the things that come out of my mouth!' "
"It was not really an excuse, more like trying to cover for himself after the fact, but still stuck with me." - sirlongbottom441
"Report them to HR. Seriously." - kokichi--ouma
"Looking past the racist stuff for a bit, that's not a very encouraging thing to hear from a boss…" - WonderfulBlackberry9
Bad Day Again
Bad Day Reaction GIF by Schitt's CreekGiphy" 'I'm having a bad day/week' "
"Okay, so you decide everybody that you interact with deserves the same fate? Get out of here, dude." - myordinaryexistence
"We all got stress, don't take it out on me. I get some people have stress bad enough for it to be passable every once and a while (family member passing, etc) but general, stress should not lead to you being a jerk to me." - willsimpforfree
"Damn, I'm definitely guilty of this. Usually I remember to apologize after but at this point I've learned to just avoid the situation in the first place by minimizing my interaction with people if I'm in a shitty mood." - nozzzrul
"Reminds me of when that White boy went on a murder rampage and killed a bunch of Asian women & that a-hole sheriff gave a press conference telling the media that the 'poor boy had a bad day.' "
"My idea of a bad day involves going home after a rough day at work and just staying in the house."
"Apparently, I should change my ethnicity from Asian to White and go on a murder rampage, see if my @ss gets a sympathetic sheriff to say on my behalf that I had 'a bad day.' " - kingkazul400
It's Not An Excuse
Season 2 Reaction GIF by FriendsGiphy"This won't go down well, but using depression as an excuse. As someone who suffers from it, it's still not ok to treat others like sh*t" - Rainbowwallstickers
"Could not agree enough. My partner has a 'friend' who treats everyone like sh*t all the time, has no consideration for others and openly mocks people in public."
"She gets so much grace from those around her under the guise of her 'mental health.' It's so infuriating watching an adult woman never have to take responsibility for her actions." - 34boor
"I get there are some things you can't control, but you are still responsible for keeping that sh*t in check and if you're aware of your mental illness, you should be aware of how you approach people and situations."
"I'll admit I used to be guilty of using my mental illness to be an @ss, but now I'm trying to better myself" - VeeSquibbles
Florida Gonna Florida
Looney Tunes Florida GIFGiphy"People are letting Florida off the hook way too damn much. And I live in Florida."
"Just because it's hilarious doesn't mean it isn't still completely f*cked up." - AlphaWhiskeyOscar
"The phrase 'Florida Man' is almost always followed some heinous way a Floridian is being an a$$hole." - PepeBabinski
"I'm also originally from Florida, and that state has serious problems. We need to pay attention to it." - [Reddit]
Moment of honesty ... as a Floridian ... yeaaaah, I'm gonna have to agree with that last one.