People Reveal How They Would Commit The Perfect Crime


Imagine all of the shenanigans we would do if there were no laws. It might not ALWAYS be The Purge- not everyone wants to just murder. Some want to erase their student loan debt, or cheat on their taxes, or steal a lion from the zoo. Everyone has a hypothetical plan, even if they know they wouldn't get away with it in real life.

DaHamsterMan asked: How would you commit the perfect crime?

Trick or treat?


"Poisoning Halloween candy comes up here on Reddit often enough as an urban myth, but it really has become myth because no one has had the motivation to do it to random kids. Serial killers that would don't like how impersonal it is, but parents could imagine the possibility, because they could run the numbers and scenario and realize how easy it is to get away with killing a lot of kids.

Random piece of candy being easy to taint and very difficult to track down where one piece out of many other similar pieces came from. Which house, in particular? Did the kids swap candy? Did they mistake one's bag or bucket for another kid's? Out of thousands pieces of Tootsie Rolls given away that night, how could you tell without a fingerprint or some form of DNA being left on the wrapper which out of dozens of houses that piece dropped into someone's bag? And if there's no taint on the wrapped, once it's in the kid's stomach with a bunch of other candies, really, which piece caused it?

No one was even charged for the Chicago Tylenol poisonings in 1982. Nowadays, in-store cameras would make that more difficult, if they're pointed at the medicine aisle, and if they're able to pick up on details.

It really is one of the most viable candidates for the perfect crime. Quite frankly, it just won't happen, because no one's really motivated to do it. Even the Unabomber moved onto the more public and apparent displays with mail-package bombing, because he was the kind to need his immediate catharsis, like a lot of them do."


Fair enough.

"By not telling Reddit."


That's a lot of dedication.

"I would note every detail of a classmate's pencil case, and one day when he isn't looking, I would replace it with an identical looking pencil case with the same exact contents. Unnoticeable, untraceable, the perfect crime. Except it wasn't, because another classmate looks at me knowingly, he saw what I did. I follow this classmate around observing his moves, and he also commits a perfect crime, except he didn't because I saw him. Later on we create a group called the PCP, Perfect Crime Party.

(This is an anime reference.)"


This got too real too fast.

"I would get elected POTUS and then do any crime publicly because America has proved it won't impeach a President for anything other than perjury, but apparently a sitting president doesn't have to comply with subpoenas, so I would never be under oath!"


Nice loophole.


"In Yellowstone National Park, the Idaho section is uninhabited.

If you committed a crime there, you would have an unprosecutable crime since the vicinage clause means that you have a right to a jury from the state where the crime was committed and a right to a jury from the district. No one lives in that tiny strip of land."


Weird, but sure.

"I would ask my brother to shut the door when he walks out the room. He would most likely slam it. I would then be so hurt by the loud noise I'd fall out a window. In my last breaths I would say "Bla Bla Bla did it"

But here's a problem

Bla Bla Bla is in Spain. I'm in Britain. But they arrest him anyway and I'm happy I got someone in jail."


The worst crime imaginable.

"A while ago my daughter and I went inside a supermarket looking for my wife. She got a pair of hair bows and said she wants it. We walked all over the supermarket and didn't find my wife so we went out.

Going home my daughter showed me the hair bows still in her hand. I guess we committed the perfect crime."


A very convincing argument.

"Kill a stranger and give the "mystery meat" away on Craigslist. I got this from a weird Craigslist ads video.

Someone was going to give some "mystery meat" away. People suspected it could have been human meat.

I am not a murderer in any way."


Slow down there, Patrick Bateman.


"Stab the person with a knife by covering my hands with cloth to remove fingerprints. Walk to a random location while trying to stay off the cameras. Then take the bus to another random location outside but still near the city. Then discreetly burn the cloth material. Then ask a random person for a lift home.

If I have blood on my cloths, I will burn them too."



"I'd say the perfect crime is one where no one gets hurt.

So, I jaywalk when there is no one around."


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