Coming back from an insult is a graceful art. Typically, most of us are keen to get insulted, stew on it for seventeen days, then miraculously think of the perfect comeback in the shower at 6 o'clock in the morning where no one but your cat can hear you. However, sometimes people have one in the chamber, ready to fire, and if you're lucky enough you'll get to hear it.
Reddit user, u/quadkaboom, wanted to hear the quickest quips they've ever heard when they asked:
What is the greatest comeback to an insult you've ever heard?
Stab Yourself In The Foot
GiphyIn a heated argument my mom called my brother a Son of A B-tch.
He replied, "you got that right".
Act Mean In A Public Space? Get The Public Treatment.
Younger lady was acting like a total b-tch in this restuarant to the staff and this middle aged lady said "Oh honey, you're not pretty enough to act like that".
A Much Bigger Issue
A friend of mine in first year university had never really dated any girls yet. This dumb meathead that we were kind of friends with told him, "When you do get a girlfriend, I'm totally going to f-ck her."
He responded, "If I had a girlfriend that would f-ck you, her cheating on me wouldn't be the issue."
No One. Not A Single Person.
1: "Everyone thinks you're an a--hole."
2. "Well, you know what everyone thinks about you? Nothing. No one ever thinks about you. I know I don't"
Whip That, Grandma!
My dear Grandmother. She had a quick and savage wit.
My fiance and I held a 'meet the whole family' get together at my house. It was the first time his father met my grandmother.
His dad was a large, physically intimidating man with a beer gut.
He began telling stories to my grandmother about how my fiance was a mischief maker when he was young. Then told my grandmother how he would take off his belt and whip Joe for being bad.
My frail little grandmother stares directly at my hubby's dad's tummy and says, "Your belt? How ever could you find it?"
Future father-in-law was gobsmacked.
Never Mess With The Lunch Lady
Lunch lady got me in front my whole class. Tuna fish was for lunch. I said " tuna fish I'd rather a sh-t sandwich! ".
Without missing a beat this 80 year old lady fires back " wait right there I can make u one in the back".
Needless to say I went with the tuna.
Learn The Rules
I was playing spades one time and a guy tried to lead the game off with a spade. I told him he couldn't do that; spades have to be broken first. He refused to play by the rules, so I refused to play.
He started singing, "The wheels on the bus go round and round," to imply that I was acting like a child. He asked me, "Do you know why I'm singing that?" I said, "Yeah, cause I'm taking you to school."
A Bold Declaration
Sitting in a bar at 3AM off of Bourbon St. The windows are just open shutters. Dude who just left the bar leans in on our table to shout at some friends still in the bar. One of our group makes a silly/snide comment. Dude leaning in smacks the table with an open palm and says, "Everybody who ever loved you was wrong." Then he walks away without looking back.
We still revel in that story.
Orchestra Humor
This wasn't an insult, but this was still great. My orchestra class had to do a writing assignment about what our future would be in 10 years. One of my classmates jokingly says "I'm not going to have a job and I'm going to live with my parents forever". I turn around and yell "It has to be a fictional story dude!". The entire class loses their minds.
Boom. Roasted.
During my University days, I ran into a friend/acquaintance of mine. And I was holding a Green Lantern Graphic Novel. My friend introduced me to his current girlfriend and THE FIRST THING she says to me while shaking my hand was "Aren't comic books for kids?". And I replied "Aren't those A Cups for kids?".
Honestly I was in so much shock that someone I just met would say that to me that I replied on instinct. Still my greatest comeback ever.
Classroom Burns Don't Heal
My science teacher assigned a really hard test and almost everyone failed. Everyone complained and she responded with " someone got a 93%, so it's not impossible." Then this one kid in the back said "the answer key doesn't count Mrs.teacher"
Even The Teacher Laughed
Teacher: asks a tough question
Jimmy: says the correct answer
Karen: lol you're such a nerd
Teacher: Be nice to him Karen, he could be your boss someday
Jimmy: it's okay Teacher, i have no interest on being a pimp anyway
whole class losing their minds
Satan Did A Lot Of Things
Crotchety old bat from my grandparents church: "Why can't you be more like Michael, he's such an angel"
Me, a 15 year old intellectual who knew Michael did things that would straighten the perm out of her hair: "If you'd actually read the bible, you'd know Satan was an angel too"
Burn From Outta' Nowhere!
I was sitting outside my daughter's dance class, working away on my laptop, realized I did something shitty and said out loud, "I suck".
Old Asian grandma lady who I didn't think was paying any attention says, "37 d-cks in a row?"
God I laughed like never before or since.
Breaking The Warranty
My former friend was 12 years my senior and she fancied herself pretty heavily. She was OK, but I doubt anyone was losing sleep over her. Dressed waaaaaay too young, trying to hold on to her youth.
One day she pointed out that I was overweight and dumpy-looking next to her. I'd finally had enough (she made these comments often) and I said, "Well what about you?"
"Excuse me?!" she snapped, "I have the body of a 22 year old!"
"Well give it back, you're stretching it out!"
Let Them Take The Fall
It's been told that former French President Jacques Chirac once made the following comeback, which is legendary in France.
Some dude yelled at him "Connard !" (it means "a--hole", roughly).
And he answered: "Pleased to meet you, I'm Jacques Chirac".
A Lot Of Insults Going On In School...
Kid in class "I don't have a problem with people being gay in their houses, I just don't want to see it out in the world. I don't like looking at it,It disgusts me."
"I don't like looking at ugly people but nobody is making you wear a bag over your face"
Can't Be Too Choosy
I don't remember where I heard it but one kid was pick on this other adopted kid, like "Haha you're adopted!"
He reported "Haha my parents chose me, you're just who your parents are stuck with!"
Make Friends With The Creature
GiphyA girl told me if I took my shirt off at the beach the glare would blind everyone (because I was so pale.)
I told her "At least when I go the beach people don't try to push me back into the sea"
Where Does The Hate Come From?
A neighborhood kid was picking on my daughter, and she replied with:
"I'm sorry you are so sad."
Kid just walked away.
Redditor H5N1BirdFlu wanted to discuss the moments in life that left us haunted and shook, so they asked:
"What is the creepiest or most unexplained event that you have ever experienced?"
I've seen so much creepiness I wouldn't know where to begin.
Deal
Walter White Wink GIF by Breaking BadGiphy"One car from one direction, and another car from the other direction stopped in front of my house. Both drivers got out and one gave the other a briefcase. Now that I am older I am guessing it was some kind of drug deal or something but at the time I found it very weird."
yapastaocho
'The Entertainer'
"We had a little copper music box that would start playing on its own. It was a man sitting at a player-piano and it would play 'The Entertainer' song. Now, I know that music boxes and such can spring (for lack of a better word) forward and play a few notes, but this thing would act like someone had wound it up and would play for a minute or two completely at random."
MercuryCrest
He?
"Me and and someone I used to know in high school way back when met to catch up. We were talking about our views on religion at some park. When we were walking back to our cars some guy said he had overheard us. We interacted a little and then went to our cars. I told her how awkward I felt knowing he overheard everything. She looked at me and said, 'He?'”
"After some comparing notes we realized we’d seen and heard entirely different people. She’d seen an elderly woman. I’d seen a middle aged man. Only problem is we only talked to the one person."
AccomplishedAuthor53
Overnight
"I usually go hiking and stay in the forest overnight, sleeping in a bivy and sometimes under a tarp. Now it's important to say I'm based in Europe. So no wild animals to be afraid of because usually they just boot it as soon as they notice you."
"So one winter night I'm sleeping under my tarp which connects to the ground on one side. It's in an area where there were fierce battles in the forrest on the border between Germany and Belgium in WWII."
"I hear something walking in the leaves, which is normal. There are always deer and ferral pigs on and about. But this time it comes closer and closer until I hear it right on the other side of my tarp and it starts growling. Its a noise I gad never heard and for a moment I was frozen trying to figure out what it might be and what to do."
"But I just decided to yell back and that did the trick. The animal walked a few steps and then turned back to growl once more before finally retreating."
"Let's put it this way, I didn't sleep for a while after that. I looked up the noise and think it was a badger."
Forest_Walkin
Devoured
Episode 4 Abc GIF by The BachelorGiphy"My family used to raise cattle. One morning I came out to check on them and I found one of the heifers had been more or less completely devoured."
"This same cow was perfectly fine the day before. There was nothing left but some hide, bones, and intestines. Thing is none of the predators that are in my area would be able to kill and eat an entire cow within the course of one night. Much less leave so little behind."
Aussieshepman
Poor cows. They live a rough life.
The Night Before
Get Out Omg GIF by Get Out MovieGiphy"When I was a kid, we lived in a kinda rural area. One night we came home late from an Uncle's house and there was a car parked up the road from our house with the headlights on."
"My mom suggested to my dad that we go see if they need help, he said no, so we went inside. Next morning police knocked on the door, a cyclist had spotted a body in the ditch exactly where the car was parked the night before."
Tpeest
Documents
"I have had a strange thing happen recently. I was waiting for my tax documents to come in so I could do my taxes. I had three documents that I put on my bedside table until I had the time."
"I decided to do it the other day and I couldn't find one of them. I tore the house apart, quizzed my husband (who swore he never touched it), checked the garbage, etc. I had resigned myself to the fact I would have to request another one, when it arrived in the mail."
"It was the same one, exact same information. I was really confused but grateful. I checked into it, it was not sent twice as far as the office could tell me."
"I don't know what to think. I KNOW I had that document because I had done some calculations with it. It's been itching at me like crazy."
monitormonkey
About 30 Feet
"A few months ago I was sitting in my living room on the couch, watching tv with a family member late at night. We have a high ceiling with a couple of rectangular windows at the very top of the wall just under where it meets the ceiling. The windows are so high (about 30 feet) we really only have them for natural lighting."
"So on the night in question, a green laser beam suddenly shown down through one of the windows, seemingly scanned the entire living room before stopping and pointing the beam right next to my family member for about 10 seconds and then disappearing entirely. It had to be either a drone or from some sort of flying aircraft. I live in a relatively secluded place which made the situation all the more unsettling."
0friday
Find Her
"Pretty sure I witnessed a kidnapping once and it still lives rent free in my head (the woman lost her slipper when she was trying to get away and i took a picture of it that i still have for some reason). I did indeed report it to police right after I saw it occur but they were pretty blasé about it and I never ended up being able to determine what they did to investigate."
ergaster8213
From Behind
the exorcist shadow GIFGiphy"I was in Jr High and had really long hair. I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, and almost tripped on a shoe on the floor. I bent down to move it and it felt like someone grabbed my entire pony tail and yanked it. I also could not sleep facing the wall for the longest time because it always felt like someone or something was right there behind me."
cheeseburgerphone182
Never face the wall. Life lesson.
These were some harrowing experiences, and we're glad these Redditors made it out to tell the story.
Do you have any similar experiences? Let us know in the comments below.
Redditor NeedSomeSparkInLife wanted to know who would be willing to share, so they asked:
"What makes you not want to be intimate with your SO?"
I'm an easily turned off person.
So it doesn't take much.
Desire
Bored Season 5 GIF by The OfficeGiphy"Taking a moment to realize I'm the only one that makes sexual advances in the relationship. Makes me not want it. People think men only want sex for face value but a lot of men actually want the feeling of being desired more so."
Relative-Hour-9359
Anger Issues
"I've always heard of fighting then having sex after. Fighting has always made me not want it. The last thing I want to do when someone pisses me off is have sex with them. What made it worse is she always wanted to when we were arguing which made the argument worse when I refused."
DaMoonRulez_1
"I think you're supposed to resolve your fight, realize that you care for each other a lot, move past it, then have the passion because of that. Not fight right into sex."
Ksp-or-GTFO
Take a Shower
"My ex and I were together for nearly 7 years, but his hygiene never improved, so we stopped being intimate like, 3 years before I finally broke up with him. He showered only once a week, but he worked in kitchens, so he was sweaty and greasy all the time."
"He had an infected tooth, so he constantly had bad breath, but he refused to visit a dentist, even when he had the money to afford dental work. He stopped working out within the first year of us being together, which sucked because he would get jealous if I went to the gym by myself or with my girlfriends, but he refused to come with me."
GreenChorizo
Sober Time
"Personally, the only issue I have is my SO's drinking. He just becomes an unattractive person when he's drunk. It's one thing if we're both out socializing and drinking together occasionally, but he drinks almost every day, sitting on the couch in front of the TV and to the point of sloppy drunkenness way too often. His face changes, his posture changes, his personality changes... I just get so turned off."
WeptSiren3113
Hang Up
Art Hello GIF by LINDSEY L33Giphy"When they are glued to their phones non stop! Put that s**t down and look at me before we go to bed!"
Palmwine
"I really dislike this too. Makes me feel alone in the relationship."
RealBrownPerson
No phones in bed. Hard rule for many of us to follow.
Step Back
Be Quiet Go Away GIF by Ryn DeanGiphy"When I make a move, and then get the feeling she's not really in the mood/would only do it to please me. I want us both to have a good time, not only me. So when she seems not into it, I take a step back."
Level-Plate8372
Calm Down
"To be brutally honest, her anxiety and insecurity makes sex such a hassle. She doesn’t believe anything I say about wanting her, she can almost never relax during sex, she doesn’t take time to enjoy it, and if God forbid I have any trouble finishing, she takes it more personally than anything, which of course puts more pressure on me to finish, which then makes it almost impossible."
Ben_Franklinstein
When at Wal-Mart
"When they’ve done something really nasty/unkind that day. Cruelty is the most ugly thing a person can show, in my eyes. I had a boyfriend that I went to Wal-Mart with and he ended up flipping off and storming right past the sweet little old man that checks the receipts at the door."
"It was partially about how I used to check receipts and I remembered how I felt when people treated me like that- but I also remember the look on the little old man’s face and just how disgusted I was with my partner being so nasty about it."
"I couldn’t touch him after that and I got grossed out when he touched me. And then I started to notice how he was nasty to other people as well. It eventually led to our break up."
spxdergirl
33 Years In
"My husband used to dislike his job - he’d come home and do nothing but bi**h. After awhile, I just gave up trying to cheer him up with sex - you can only try so long. So, we had a long dry spell - like, whatever you think a dry spell would be, it’s longer. When someone is constantly annoyed, well, it’s hard to feel amorous."
"Anyway, he early retired (54) like a month before Covid kicked in and by autumn that year, well, let’s just say we’re back to what we were like when we first met. He’s not pissed off all the time. (I’m retired as well, and let’s just say, afternoon nookie is such a perk, as is morning nookie and 3am nookie because you can sleep in!) I’m glad we stayed together. Going on 33 years and we’re just so happy."
NicInNS
Rage
Angry Inside Out GIF by Disney PixarGiphy"Feeling angry. I hate feeling angry. I don't like being around other people when angry. So I'll go for a walk, a drive etc, and just clear my head."
jackfaire
It seems like "dead bed," as some folks call it, can stem from many things, from mood, attraction, hygiene, and more.
Do you have anything to add to this list? Let us know in the comments.