There are some moments in life that we want to forget, but there are even more we want others will forget. Whether it's facing the consequences of that spicy food we ate or downing that last regretful shot of tequila, our bodies can quickly go from being our friend to becoming our worst enemy. It's good to have a sense humor about these things, they're only natural after all. Here are the best of the worst moments that truly, ahem, stunk.
Redditor u/madbubers asks:
Urine Trouble Now!
I peed myself in class. I was wearing a skirt and no tights. I was 17.
It was my first year of college and the lecture lasted 4 hours. I held it as long as I possibly could, until at some point I was 100% certain I would pee myself as soon as I stood up. I couldn't excuse myself to the bathroom because I'd pee myself on the way in front of everybody.
So I stayed. I waited until the other students left, but they didn't. Of course they had questions for the professor, some lingered... I got out, made it out of the classroom miraculously, then as soon as I was out the door I couldn't hold it anymore. I kneeled down on the floor, pretended to look for something in my bag (someone even asked if I was okay), hoping against all hope that no one would notice the puddle at my feet.
I kept pretending to look in my bag for 5 more minutes until everyone was gone, then walked to the nearest bathroom to dry myself as best I could. Then I went home, changed my underwear and dried my skirt and shoes with a hairdryer, because it would look suspicious if I came back with different clothes.
No one ever mentioned it. To this day I wonder if some did see it and avoid talking about it to spare me the embarrassment, or if I somehow managed to hide it.
He Was Scared Stiff They'd See
So in 2016, I had hernia surgery.
I got the dopey medicine that's supposed to make you act crazy, and my parents were watching to see what I would do. Now, this is the first time I've ever had it. My *ss just sat there and spaced out, but I had one thing in mind:
DON'T GET A BONER.
The hernia was right above my groin, and they had to have full view of Mr Wiener. I didn't want to scar those poor nurses and surgeons.
After about 30 minutes, (maybe? Coulda been 2 hours even, time was weird) I get wheeled out to surgery. I'm like f*ck yea, no boner.
Then, I feel it.
Well, it decides that being moved is the perfect time to rise and shine (this was at about 7:45 AM) and I'm sitting there whacked off my a*s thinking "eh whatever, I'll live with this embarrassment."
Yea. They put me on the table and it was a tent.
To the nurses and surgeon (all females), I'm so sorry. You caught me at the worst time possible.
Full Of Hot Air Much?
2 hours train ride. I felt the air coming slowly but I held it back until the end. Finally, the next stop was mine, so I stood up and walked to the door, still holding back that, now massive, amount of air in my colon. Just when the doors were about to open, some child stumbled into me from behind. It surprised me so much that I, just for a moment, didn't hold in.The result was the loudest, most disgusting fart you could ever imagine.
I never left the train station faster in my entire life.
Out, Out Damn Spot!
When I was in high school by starting a period without any of the usual symptoms and leaving a bloody puddle on the chair and huge stain on my jeans.
This happened to me, except I knew it was happening. My (male) teacher had a blanket, no-using-the-bathroom-during-class rule, and I was too embarrassed to tell him what was going on.
Its not even technically legal for them to do so.
We had a teacher in elementary school who had this rule. If you didn't go during lunch that was your fault. One day a girl was begging and literally crying asking to go with the teacher being very loud and telling her no, we have lunch soon.
Girl wet herself. Luckily the whole class recognized it was the teachers fault so no one made fun of her for it and some even berated the teacher.
Seriously teachers: if i could sue my job if they said i couldn't go because holding it can cause medical problems an angry parent is gonna have a way easier time. Let people go to the bathroom.
Oh Veil No!
On my wedding day..... but not like you're imagining. Woke up at 6 AM, blew up the toilet, thought it was just nerves. About an hour later the vomiting starts. Then the poop. Then the vomit. Repeat this cycle for a few hours. My friends are thinking, oh she's just hungover. Hell, I thought it could be that too, I had drank wine the night before but not in my usual quantities and had gone to bed sober as a judge. After awhile we all realize this is bigger than a hangover. My mother finally picks me up off the bathroom floor after a few more hours of the puke-sh*t-repeat game and drags my ass to urgent care where I burst into tears when they ask what's wrong.
"I'm supposed to get married in three hours and the vomiting and diarrhea just won't stop!" Ugh. Cringe. So they pump me full of IV fluids and nausea meds. Seems to be helping. I go home and get dressed for my wedding, not so sexy when your mom has to help you into your fancy underwear. BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE. Here comes the red wave to further ruin my day. I'm in awe at this betrayal. (Also, it starts hailing outside as I'm putting my dress on. Between sh!tting my brains out and not eating, my dress is now too big and is falling down. And, my wedding is outside.)
This is where I just laugh because there's nothing left to do. My period is especially infuriating because I've been prophylactically taking birth control pills for over 3 months so I could purposefully skip my heavy and erratic periods on my wedding day (I have an IUD so I already had birth control and wasn't relying on the pills for baby blocking). I tell this story to nervous future brides to remind them that your body, and nature for that matter, don't give a f about what day you've selected to get married. Luckily my marriage has been much, much better than the wedding but how could it not be?
Quite The Sob Story
In a meeting with my managers. They're complaining about X, Y, and Z that I haven't achieved. I'm not upset about the criticisms, if anything I'm angry I have to ear them, but for some bizarre reason my eyes started watering.
We'd have these meetings weekly and every time my eyes would water and tears would pour. It started just happening when I wasn't even angry.
And even in normal angry situations I'd never tear up. Just in those meetings.
Omg I have the same thing. Whenever I'm confronted with something by a superior, I start crying for some reason. It sucks because I don't want them to think I'm upset about minor things, because I'm not.
They Come Out Of Nowhere
Panic attack, nothing was wrong just my heart did not want to be in my chest for some reason.
Edit: wow this blew up harder than my heart.
Seriously, Did Something Die Inside You?
Farted the most rancid fart of death in 6th grade.
The teacher somehow knew it was me and kicked me out of class- told me to go to the nurse and have someone pick me up because she was convinced I had to be sick to produce such a toxic stench.
I thought it was cool I got to get out of school though and my dad thought it was hilarious.
From Frisky To Risky
My grandmother was killed when she received the AIDS virus through a blood transfusion, back in the day. (If you live in Minnesota and get a blood transfusion, know that my grandma was the one that ate the bullet that makes hospitals screen blood.)
My family donates blood on her birthday. I hate donating blood. I hate needles, I hate seeing blood, and I hate the weird cold feeling you get throughout your entire arm. In a terrible twist of fate, I happen to have Universal blood that is CMV negative (I can donate to babies and small children, which apparently is rare?). Hospitals are always in short supply, it seems, as I am always getting calls to donate a double amount every time I'm eligible. (I charge them twice as many cookies as they give other people).
One time, after giving a double dose, I was feeling just fine. I usually feel wiped out and need to go to sleep, but that day I was feeling fine. I got home and the wife was there, and we're trying to have a kid, and we were both kind of flirty, so we went for it. I got in the buff when my knees wobbled, the room spun, and I just collapsed on the floor. I never lost consciousness. I was just sprawled naked on the floor, unable to lift my arms or legs. I could lull my head about.
TL:DR - Don't try to have a romantic time after donating a double dose of blood.
Tinkle, Tinkle Little Star
When I was 12, my best friend and I were hanging out in front of my apartment complex on the front steps with two guys that we were SUPER interested in.
I was sitting on the top step with my bestie, and the two guys were goofing off further down the steps and making us laugh.
Well, I started laughing. So hard in fact that during one of those laughs where you're laughing so hard you're no longer making any noise, where you've basically lost control of it and CAN'T stop, I started farting really loudly.
Even though I was MORTIFIED, I COULD NOT stop laughing and laughed harder and then I started pissing my pants. I couldn't stop!! The piss was running down the steps as I tried desperately to stop laughing by covering my ears and shutting my eyes.
I finally gained control of my body and stopped laughing, but it was too late.
My crush came over to sit next to me, and right before he sat down next to me he saw the puddle of piss and jumped up alarmingly and said "Whoah!"
I got up and tried to run inside, but I didn't have my key, so I had to ring the buzzer and had to wait for my mom to buzz me in in front of them with piss soaked pants, and the giant puddle of my piss that had run down half the steps.
I stayed inside the rest of the day, and that night my crush miraculously came back and asked me out through my bedroom window.