"Secrets, secrets, are no fun. Secrets, secrets, hurt someone." A silly rhyme made famous by The Office, its lesson still holds up. People keep secrets because they're afraid once the secret gets out someone will get hurt. Typically, they overestimate the amount. No one's going to care you stole gum when you were 5-years-old.
However, these are not those kinds of secrets.
Well, not all of them.
Reddit user, u/MoistPotatoPeel, wanted the sauciest secrets when they asked:
What is the biggest/longest secret you've kept?
Jealousy Breeds Action
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I killed my best friends fish while watching it for her while she was on vacation. Then I replaced it with a fish that looked nothing like it and told everyone that they were crazy for thinking that it wasn't the same fish.
Edit- it was accidental, and the fishes were the same type of fish but they just didn't look the same. i also watched it for two weeks and it just happened to die on the last day. And to top it off the fish that I bought to replace the other one died a week later.
so concluding RIP Jackie O'Conner (yes, she actually named her fish that)
A Horrifying Find
My sister's cat died during the night a couple days ago, and I'm the one who found her in the morning. I lied to my sister about how I found her. I said she was lying on the ground and possibly had a heart attack (which would explain her eyes being wide open, I couldn't close them).
I actually found her trapped, under the dining table, hanging between two chairs with her front legs, with her head back. She must have fallen and couldn't free herself (she didn't have good control of her claws anymore). She looked like Jesus on the cross, completely stiff from rigor mortis. I was f-cking horrified and still can't get the image out of my head. It hurts me so much to know that her last moments were of suffering. I now can't ever tell my sister how it really happened.
Edit: To slightly soften the story, she was a very old cat, about to turn 20 years old. What was unbelievable was that it was on the morning of the day we had booked a vet appointment to put her to sleep. My sister actually feels relief that she died 'naturally' rather than being taken to a strange place she didn't know. I can't share the same sentiment, sadly, but I'm just relieved that she is relieved.
Unable To Complete A Last Request
I have a relative who committed suicide, and next to their note, they left a small stack of things they wanted to be buried with. Several days after the funeral, the director of the funeral home called my mom and let her know that sadly, the items my relative wanted to be buried with did not get put in the coffin.
It happens sometimes, and he told mom that they try to contact the family member who seems least likely to lose their sh-t over it. I'm paraphrasing of course, but my mom was the perfect person; the woman is unflappable. Mom went up to the funeral home and they returned the items to her.
She told me the story once, and that nobody in the family knew, but that she wanted me to know where the items were in case she passed before she found an appropriate time to give the items to my relative's kids (it was some photographs of my relative with family and friends, and then a wedding ring).
The kids were very young so it wasn't appropriate for her to give it to them at the time. It's been well over 20 years, and I don't think she has ever passed the things on. We have never discussed it again, and I haven't ever told anyone. One day I am sure I'll have to have that conversation with one or both of my relative's kids, but until then, this is the only time I've said anything about it.
Two People Stuck In A Trap
That my mother was abusive to me as a kid. I kept it for 22 years. I told my dad a few months back. I told him in anger because I blamed him for letting it happen.
He truly didn't know the extent, she kept it well hidden.
He then explained to me that he tried to protect me from her and he did when he was around. He told me he'd been in an abusive relationship with her. She separated him from every friend and family member he had. She took his entire paycheck and wouldn't let him have a card.
She told him he couldn't leave her because she'd never allow him to see me again.
My dads not perfect and he left me in dangerous situations but he tried at least. And now both of our 20+ year secrets are out to each other.
The Most Heinous Crime...For A 7 Year-Old
I loaned a bunch of books from the Library in 2001 (as a 7 year old). Found them in my room 3 years later. My 10 year old mind was convinced the cops would come looking for me cause of it so I neatly disposed of the books in a manner that will ensure they'll never be found again.
Unless someone cleans up the basement... well, time to visit my parents.
A Ticking Deadline
The most recent one. I dropped out of university 3 months ago and my parents don't know... I'm planning on moving out in 2/3 weeks because that's how long I have before everything comes out (probably, if I don't make something else up)... I'm at square zero on my plan to move but honestly I can't live here anymore.
I'm 'the smart one' so they wouldn't guess I'd actually drop out despite it being overwhelmingly obvious... It was a pretty drastic decision, but I don't regret it... I do have a few options on how to move my plan forward in such a short time, and I do have some pretty drastic measures too, but the end goal is clear and I'll get there, no matter what... Wish me luck
Keeping The End At Bay
I've been suicidal for most of my life - starting from when I began to develop OCD as a child.
The feeling has not gone away since and I'm now 22. The only people who know this about me are the few counsellors I have seen - not a single family member or friend because I know they will overreact.
Dad Doesn't Need To Know Right Now
That I knew my mom was having an affair when I was 11. My dad found out a year later and they got a divorce but I acted like I was shocked. I'm 23 now and only came clean last year
A Family Member Out Of The Blue
My 2 cousins have a brother somewhere. My aunt had gotten pregnant before she married my uncle and gave the baby up for adoption.
I've never mentioned it to anyone until now, so it's been almost 20 years.
Turns Out You Can Pick Your Family
I've never told anyone outside of my family about my dad. I told all my friends that my stepdad was actually my real dad, when my real dad lives on the other side of the planet (I moved countries when I was a kid, and have only really seen my dad once since then).
My real dad was an actual piece of sh-t, he abused and manipulated, both me, my mother and all four of my brothers, and would lash out all the time through a drunken rage. And so, when my mum remarried, my steep-dad became a real father to me, and so I always just called him by my dad. It's probably not the biggest secret, but its something I have just never really told people.
A Lie For The Years
I had once told my friend in the 7th grade I had a girlfriend and it went on until the 10th grade when I actually got a girlfriend. All my friends were 'pleased' to meet her finally.
A Bonding Experience?
My ex admitted to me that he watched porn with his mom as an adult. They would watch porn when they were bored, in the living room, while his father/her husband slept upstairs.
I was mortified. I asked him if he felt any way about it, and he said he thought it was funny. Not funny as in disturbing. But "hahaha" funny. He thought I was weird for finding it weird.
I broke up with him shortly after that for this reason, but never told anyone about it until now.
No, No, I Promise! I Was Cleaning It!
This is not as serious as the other stories I've seen so far but it is one of my most closely guarded secrets. I currently have a deep scar on my left index finger, it has been there since middle School when I was messing around with a knife and a sweet potato. My mindset was, "if I lightly chop the sweet potato while holding it with my unprotected hand, nothing bad could happen."
Lo and behold, I was rushed to the E.R. with a cut so deep, I legitimately thought I almost amputated the finger. The circumstances behind this were so embarrassing, I quickly made up a story about me cleaning the knife and the knife slipping and slicing my finger. To this day, I still tell my family that it was a knife cleaning accident.
How Do You Go To Reunions?
My sister told me a few years ago that she and our cousin had a sexual relationship that started when they were in their 20s and continued on and off for years. In that time they both married other people who never suspected a thing because, you know: cousins.
This was not a cousin she met in adulthood and didn't feel related to. We grew up seeing him and his family once or twice a year.
Ratted Out By The Mom
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I was touring Australia for six months with my girl friend Jan who's twin sister had lost her son to cot death a few months before we left. Jan was devastated but still really wanted to go to Oz with me. Her twin sis had given birth to a second son about three months after the death and when we left for down under the boy was about three months old and a big focus of love for everyone after the shock of the cot death.
Every week Jan would ring home and talk to her mother. At the end of the second week the mother asked to speak to me. This was unusual. We did not have much to say to each other normally so I was surprised. It turns out she wanted me to know the second son had been diagnosed with Leukemia, but whatever happened I should not tell Jan as it would spoil her holiday.
She was right that it would devastate Jan and that she would want to leave at once, and to be honest there was nothing she could have done even had she returned.
So I sat on this awful news for nearly six months. To make it worse her mother told her on our return that I knew about the diagnosis from the start, so it was one of those circumstances where you can never win.
We're Less Related Than You Think
My "half brother" isn't actually related to me at all. Because my dad's ex wife cheated on him and got pregnant. Everyone knows but my half brother.
Wrongfully Framed
My house was raided for child pornography.
Agents came through, searched every room, collected every storage device and questioned me. I promptly said I would not talk without a lawyer.
My wife was bawling, I told her to not talk without a lawyer. After an about four hours all of the agents left with every electronic device. Then they handed me the warrant.
Apparently my IP address was detected.
After counseling and a lot of communication my wife and I agreed to not tell anyone about this. Not family, not friends, no one. We moved from the house because it just made us uneasy being there.
After THREE years of fighting with the agency we finally got all of our devices back. The devices they took were the only copies of all of our photos, so it was one of the happiest days ever. It turns out one of our neighbors was using our WiFi (which had an easy 8 letter lower case password). Once they didn't find anything on our devices they did a search of the neighbor.
TLDR - use a good WiFi password or bad sh-t can happen