People List Their Favorite Mixed-Metaphors They Ever Encountered
Mixed Metaphors[rebelmouse-image 18345310 is_animated_gif=
Malaphor: an informal term for a blend of two or more aphorisms, idioms, or clichés
Malaphors, also known as mixed metaphors, can become almost as common in pop culture as the original sayings they co-opt. Like "It's not rocket surgery."
Or they can happen on the spur of the moment, when someone can't quite remember how a saying is supposed to go.
Here is a collection of amusing malaphors, with the original idioms they're based on.
Don't rain on my thunder.[rebelmouse-image 18354568 is_animated_gif=
Don't rain on my parade.
Don't steal my thunder.
A bird in the hand is worth one stone.[rebelmouse-image 18354569 is_animated_gif=
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
Killing two birds with one stone.
You've made your bed, now eat it.[rebelmouse-image 18354570 is_animated_gif=
You've made our bed, now lie in it.
You've made your dinner, now eat it.
Beauty is in the eye of the tiger.[rebelmouse-image 18354571 is_animated_gif=
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
It's the eye of the tiger.
It's all fun and games until the bird gets the worm.[rebelmouse-image 18349841 is_animated_gif=
It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt.
The early bird gets the worm.
This came back to haunt me in the a$$.[rebelmouse-image 18354572 is_animated_gif=
This came back to haunt me.
This came back to bite me in the a$$.
You can't make an omelette without breaking a leg.[rebelmouse-image 18354573 is_animated_gif=
You can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs.
Break a leg.
That train has sailed.[rebelmouse-image 18354574 is_animated_gif=
That train has left the station.
That ship has sailed.
There's no use crying over my dead body.[rebelmouse-image 18354575 is_animated_gif=
There's no use crying over spilled milk.
...over my dead body.
Rome wasn’t burnt in a day.[rebelmouse-image 18354577 is_animated_gif=
Rome wasn't built in a day.
Fiddling while Rome burned.
The grass is always greener 'til the cows come home.[rebelmouse-image 18354578 is_animated_gif=
The grass is always greener on the other side.
...'til the cows come home.
You can break it but you can't buy happiness.[rebelmouse-image 18354579 is_animated_gif=
You break it, you bought it.
You can't buy happiness.
Better late than sorry, I guess.[rebelmouse-image 18354580 is_animated_gif=
Better late than never.
Better safe than sorry.
Let's not beat around the dead horse.[rebelmouse-image 18354581 is_animated_gif=
Let's not beat around the bush.
Stop beating a dead horse.
Does the pope sh!# in the woods?[rebelmouse-image 18354582 is_animated_gif=
Is the Pope Catholic?
Does a bear sh!# in the woods?
Looks like the upper hand is on the other foot![rebelmouse-image 18354583 is_animated_gif=
Getting the upper hand.
Looks like the shoe is on the other foot.
Fool me once, shame on you. But teach a man to fool me and I'll be fooled for the rest of my life.[rebelmouse-image 18354584 is_animated_gif=
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for the rest of his life.
Sh!# or get out of the kitchen.[rebelmouse-image 18354585 is_animated_gif=
Sh!# or get off the pot.
If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen.
If life gave you lemmings, would you jump off a cliff?[rebelmouse-image 18354586 is_animated_gif=
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
...like lemmings to the sea.
Would you jump off a cliff is all your friends did?
You Can Lead All Your Chickens Into One Cart But They Can't Pull Your Horse Behind It[rebelmouse-image 18354587 is_animated_gif=
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.
Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.
Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
Don't put the horse before the cart.
People are attracted to who they're attracted to.
We really can't control what revs our engines.
Everybody has a type of what they like in another person and what they don't.
Well, most people do.
There are a rare few who like anyone and anything.
One big attraction issue is height, particularly when it comes to dating apps where people can exclude certain heights.
Redditor xanzznax wanted to hear from all the guys who have been unceremoniously turned away because of height, so they asked:
"What is the best response to 'I don't date short guys?'"
I just like to be the shorter one. Sorry.
But... I'm the small spoon.
NibblesJim Carrey Conan GIF by Team CocoGiphy
"Bite her knees."
"Couldn't reach, went for the ankle instead."
No Hard Feelings
"When on Tinder I wrote my height because I know women have preferences (and some dudes will ridicule the tall woman, short man relationship)."
"When I matched with taller women who also wrote their heights, I would always ask if they where ready for this kind of long distance relationship. They always responded with a laugh, and if they didn't want to date, no hard feelings, they don't owe me anything."
"Adding in a non self-deprecating joke is helpful because it implies you know your height & that some women have preferences but you're still confident and you haven't made it your identity. It shows you have a sense of humor which is very attractive."
"Some shorter people have an insecurity complex and this is what gets in their way of dating compared to the actual height, and when they're like this they're typically unaware that it's their personality that's doing them in but blame it on the numbers."
Is what it is...
"If a woman says I don’t date short guys it’s understandable, a man might feel a bit insecure. I’m not short but I’m skinny and I’ve had many women say things about my size and I’m still a bit insecure about it. I don’t let that insecurity become a problem anymore. I’m of the mindset that I can’t control how I feel, but I can control how I react to my feelings."
POOFGIF by VPROGiphy
"Laugh loudly, disappear with the use of smoke bomb."
If we could all just "Poof" away in difficult situations.
WarningFootball Yes GIF by State FarmGiphy
""Hang a 'you must be this tall to ride' sign around her neck."
"Exactly, if that's their preference, move on."
"Ironically, I've never been 'rejected' in this way by a woman I asked out. Only women I haven't asked out. I have had women tell me they only date tall men or they couldn't date me because I'm short, but it was seemingly random. Like, I hadn't asked them out or shown interest. It's actually kind of hilarious."
"Short guy here, I'm 5'4, I used to get rejected by taller girls a lot, my favorite way to deal with it was just to say thanks for being honest. For some reason they would later introduce me to their friends who were maybe my height or something. A lot of them said that when you handle it like an adult its very attractive, and while they might not like short dudes, they def have a few friends who do."
"Because disliking short guys, tall girls, skinny guys, fat girls etc... is at the end of the day a matter of personal preferences. No matter how much you cry, scream and sh*t yourself about how unfair it is, it won't make you attractive to that person. Just move on with your life and find someone who'll love you for who you are."
Leave it...Amy Schumer No GIF by Saturday Night LiveGiphy
"I dated a guy who was like 5'6" or something (I'm 5"4'). It super wasn't a problem for me in and of itself. What was a problem was that HE kept BRINGING IT UPPPP!!!"
"All you short guys out there, I always found it EXTREMELY attractive. There are plenty of women who do. So rock the shortness, someone out there is admiring the cut of your gib!"
Be calm in who you are.
Do you have any similar experiences? We'd love to hear about them in the comments.
People Confess Which Professions Attract The Absolute Worst Kinds Of People
Everybody needs a job.
But some colleagues can be an issue.
And some careers and jobs bring about those that have work ethic issues.
So what do we do?
We make it work, of course.
We pray and hope everyone will do their best.
Redditor Glaurung1536 wanted to discuss the people we all work with, so they asked:
"Which profession attracts the worst kinds of people?"
Some jobs are the worst. So maybe it's not always the people.
Bad InfluenceSchitts Creek Comedy GIF by CBCGiphy
"Ok so not really a profession but… there is a certain subset of musicians who are also wannabe influencers… particular people who are very on twitter. so back-stabby and clout hungry."
"I’m a casino dealer. People losing money brings out the worst qualities in them. Especially when I deal high limit games. Plus the pit boss/supervisors won’t throw a person out who is literally spending thousands. Doesn’t matter what they do or say. The casino doesn’t want to lose those kinds of patrons."
"They’re catered to. They can be so awful to the dealers. The job has made me look at humanity in a completely different light lol."
"Pro relationship tip: Bring a date to the casino and see how they treat the dealer if they’re losing. You’ll see what kind of person they really are. I have about 10 years of experience in the industry."
"Stockbrokers. I have some friends who are stockbrokers. I love them, but man, they are some bullsh*t artists. And not like, 'Oh, they're a good salesman, and could sell you anything,' No, it's like they make sh*t up as they go along and try to sound confident in what they say."
"I have met a couple people who were successful, lifelong stockbrokers. To be a successful, lifelong stockbroker, you actually have to like what you do. They all had crazy eyes. Each and every one."
"Tow truck drivers. At least 80% of all the tow truck drivers I've met have been felons, and about 98% have been shady d**kheads."
Tow truck drivers are definitely gruff.
Bouncedargentina deal with it GIFGiphy
"Bouncers. I swear those people are always looking to create trouble so they can exercise their right to kick a**."
"Former bouncer in my youth, and I can 100% confirm that most of the drama we were in was caused by the two biggest guys that just wanted to f**k with people and brag about it while we were having our after-shift drinks."
"Absolutely lifeless humans. Audio-visual bottom feeders with a camera, searching for scraps and the next payment. Not only does their profession provide something that is arguably valueless, but the means to produce it is abominable. Predatory mannequins that need removal."
Sell. Sell. Sell.
"Pyramid scheme. Property agents."
"I have had a few friends that have become realtors later in life. The ones that stayed with it, it totally changed who they are. After a few years they are hardly recognizable as the same people. Vein, shallow, and 100% of the time they are in character and trying to sell."
"I thought I wanted to be an architect… but then I met a bunch of architects. And architecture students. And architecture professors. And they were pretty much all A-holes. It was weird. I mean… how could it be so consistent? But there ya have it."
"I used to teach in a program that often fed students into the world of architecture."
"Every semester I would orchestrate one charette where I would bring in architects to critique student work. No matter how much coaching I did (to both visiting architects and students) students would feel crushed by the feedback. There were almost always tears."
"I often hear back from students that it was the most impactful part of our work together."
Hands UpSuper Troopers Police GIFGiphy
"Law enforcement - double-edged sword, because it attracts the best and the worst."
"The best in people who want to help, protect, and do good. The WORST in people who want to exact authority over people. Power-hungry a**holes who are insecure and have short fuses and low tolerance for defiance. If you can't handle someone defying you without losing your sh*t, you shouldn't be a cop."
So many jobs full of questionable people.
Did we miss any? Let us know in the comments.
People Who Love To Cook Share Their Best Tips And Tricks For Beginners
We can't all know and be experts in everything, but there are some things that are vital for us to know, like the basics of keeping a clean home and cooking simple, healthy meals.
But a lot of us were raised in households that taught us a lot of those vital basics, leaving us to have to figure them out on our own.
Redditor Wehause asked:
"People who love to cook, what tips and tricks do you have for beginners?"
Key Rules in the Kitchen
"Prepare everything before you start cooking. Cooking can be so stressful if you ignore this step."
"Clean as you cook. Waiting 20 minutes for that soup to simmer? Take that moment to clean."
"You don't always have to every the recipe down to a tee. Sometimes improvisations can work just fine."
"Food tastes a bit bland? Add more salt. Does the food taste like it just needs something? Add an acid (vinegar, lemon juice, tomatoes, etc)."
"Taste. Your. Food. Don't be like me, the id**t who used precise measuring spoons for his first two years in the kitchen. Add a little bit of salt/spice. Taste it. If it's a bit under-seasoned, add some more. Doing this is how you build up intuition in the kitchen, and it's how you learn how to season things intuitively."
Clean as You Cook
"To kinda go along with the 'Clean as you cook', keep your work area clean, too."
"Set aside something that is your designated trash collector on your counter, so as you're chopping or whatever, all the onion papers, garlic skins, and carrot ends have a place to go."
"I like using paper plates or the meat tray so once I'm done, I can just pick up the whole thing and throw it all away at once."
Prep Ahead of Time
"Prepare everything before you start cooking. Cooking can be so stressful if you ignore this step."
"AKA 'Mise en place,' or for us casuals, 'get your s**t together.' Truly makes everything go much smoother."
"My MIL (Mother-in-Law) is continually horrified at using 'so many bowls and cups.' Dang lady, I’m running the dishwasher anyway, so why does it matter? Even if hand washing a prep bowl is like a ten-second cleanup."
Go with Medium Heat
"The only time I ever go higher than exact medium heat (aside from boiling something) is to do a quick sear. Always medium or lower."
Seriously, Medium Heat!
"I can’t even say this loud enough or repeat it enough. Medium heat!"
"In college I had a friend ask how I made grilled cheese both melty and without burning. He was just putting it on high and sticking the sandwich on the pan."
"Taste everything as you cook and do it often. All cooks should be doing that but if you are a new cook it's even more important. Not tasting as you cook is like covering your eyes as you paint or plugging your ears as you play music."
Learn from the Recipe
"What you want to do is cook a recipe as is exactly the first time you make it. Otherwise, you really can't properly evaluate it. Halving the sugar since you want less can drastically impact the target flavor. So make it according to the directions once and then rate it."
"You'll end up with a library of actual good recipes (seems rare in this click-views blogging age, unfortunately). Then you can adjust the next time you remake it if you think it should be altered. Or since you now know what it should taste like, measure by feel until you perfect making it again and again without measuring."
"Now you're a chef and creative modifications will soon follow. But doing it properly first will teach you more than just winging everything."
Take a Note from 'Pirates of the Caribbean'
"If you're cooking recipes are more like guidelines than rules. If you're baking, a recipe is a doctrine."
Know the Basics and Go Wild
"If you understand the basics of baking, you can go wild. But it's the 'understand the basics' part that stumps people."
"People hear that baking soda can't be substituted for baking powder (which is true) and then they're terrified to alter a baking recipe."
"There's a book called 'Cooking for Geeks' that's a good read. It gets into the chemistry of acid-base rises, the Maillard reaction, and other underlying principles."
"The trick is to understand what's going on, to learn the savvy to grab vinegar so beaten eggs hold their shape when you don't have the cream of tartar."
That Steak, Tho.
"Clean up as you cook. If you’re not using a utensil or strainer or whatever you use anymore, clean it while you wait. I’ve kind of made it a game to see how efficient I can be while cooking. It’s kind of fun."
"If you want to make a steak delicious baste it in minced garlic and butter. Then after you’re done basting it, drop your veggies or whatever side in the pan, and shake it around. I’ll do this if I’m trying to wow someone with a good meal. Not the healthiest but is the tastiest."
Start Simple and Grow
"Choose simple recipes, follow each step, and consider why they might be important."
"Give it time, don’t try to rush things through, most food takes time to let the flavors combine."
"Look at cooking videos or read cookbooks, even if you have no intention of making that specific recipe it might give useful information you could have used in other recipes."
"I can recommend looking into authentic Italian cuisine, often simple recipes with few ingredients but the techniques to each step can be crucial to the finished product."
Know the Textures
"Not something that will apply to everyone's style of learning, but when I was learning to bake and cook I did a lot of things by hand the first few times and then used a mixer or other tools later. For me, it helped to understand the different possible feelings and textures."
"I knew what to look for when I introduced more appliances and tools because I knew how it felt and how it needed to look from doing it more slowly first (dough is the best example, but there were many other things too)."
Be Careful with the Cookware
"I learned that lesson in my early 20s. You don't have to spend 100s of dollars on good cookware but 50 to 90 dollar set works well."
A Hot Pan is Your Friend
"Make sure you let the pan heat up before putting food in it."
A Necessary Companion
"Get a knife sharpener. I paid like $12 for mine, on clearance, and the difference after sharpening is night and day."
None of these tips are particularly complicated or groundbreaking on their own for someone who frequents the kitchen, but each of these will make a new cook's experience that much sweeter and more savory.
Did we miss any pearls of wisdom? Let us know in the comments below.
People Explain How They've Seen Someone Ruin Their Entire Life In A Single Day
We're human, and we can acknowledge that we all make mistakes.
But there's a limit to how much grace any person can be shown for their slip-ups.
In fact, there are some mistakes that a person could make in a single day that could ruin the rest of their lives.
Redditor TunaSaladWithBeans asked:
"How did somebody you know ruin their life in one day?"
Second Chances Included
"Not a barn burner but still pretty bad considering the 'adult' involved. TLDR (Too Long; Didn't Read): So-called adult failed to adult after numerous warnings and went off a metaphorical cliff."
"The clown was a senior married reserve Naval officer who also had a job at a nuclear power facility that required a Top Secret Clearance. He got deployed as a reservist to do classified work in Europe. Nothing James Bond but still not something the US wanted people to know about. It was plenty cushy too: living in a luxury hotel with lots of paid time off base to check out the sights."
"But the clown decided to hook up with a German woman and have an affair. The military doesn't care about that so long as you're above board with them about it so you can't be blackmailed. They don't even tell the spouse. This is spelled out once you get a security clearance."
"He didn't tell the military; they found out another way. But the unit went easy on him. His commander told him either tell his wife or stop seeing this German woman. If he did that, there'd be no consequences; if he didn't, there'd be h**l to pay."
"This warning was repeated to this clown on multiple occasions. The clown said he'd stop. Then he went off to Germany on vacation to, you guessed it, hook up this German woman."
"The commander took it personally that the clown ignored his warnings, disobeyed orders, and lied to him. Go figure. The commander fired him from the cushy job and revoked his security clearance, which ruined the clown's reserve military career."
"Because he needed a security clearance at his civilian job, he lost that too. And of course, his wife found out and divorced him."
"I suppose the clown recovered from this and is doing OK. But I imagine it's just as possible he's living in a van down by the river."
A Life-Changing Drive
"A dude I met was 18 and had been drinking. He was driving down a rural road when he lost control of his car, and flipped it. "He killed his passenger, who was his best friend."
"He was charged with a felony DUI and manslaughter. He was really messed up by this and knowing that he killed his friend haunted him."
"He was also an avid hunter and had to give that up because he was banned from owning firearms as a felon."
"He was in his thirties when I met him and he was pretty messed up."
Over Before It Began
"Had a friend in college. We were both training to be Pilots. His dad owned an insurance company and gave him the company's credit card to pay for all his flight hours with."
"He got about two years in when he finished his first license. ($30k-50k) Got a DUI halfway through his second license."
"Pilot career down the drain. On top of that, his father's company will be paying for it."
Keep Checking In with Friends
"A childhood friend who relapsed from drug addiction. He ingested fentanyl and died all alone in a filthy basement."
"He had been looking healthier, we reconnected, and he was planning his life going forward sober. That hurt a lot, that hope being taken away in a few minutes."
"F**k opiates, fentanyl, and those who deal it. Too many lives are lost every day."
Hot Off the Press
"My boss had his dream job as a sports editor of the local paper, a nice family, and a young daughter. He called one day to say he wasn’t coming to work."
"Turns out he was busted trying to meet up with a girl he met online for sex, and the girl was actually a cop."
"My friend's wife was diagnosed with cancer. The doctors said she had about a 10% chance of surviving."
"She scheduled her surgery for a month out, and without telling him, took out several credit cards in just her name. She ranked up $100,000 in debt in that month flying around the world and doing everything on her bucket list."
"She had the surgery and chemo after and... lived. She was fine. That debt completely f**ked up their lives for about 10 years."
"The husband, my friend, knew she was traveling. He saw the roughly $10,000 added to their joint credit card. He did not know she had taken out credit and was hiding an additional $90,000 in debt."
"And his wife honestly thought she would die, and then the credit cards would close the accounts and the family would owe nothing. Which is not exactly how it works. So luckily that did not happen."
"It f**ked up a lot of things. He lost his DoD security clearance because of it (people with a lot of debt, can be bought). And he took a less-paying job as a federal contractor, where I met him. But he honestly does not regret it, and is happy to have his wife and kids all alive."
"I knew a guy my freshman year of college. Easily the most socially awkward person I've ever met. Not necessarily a bad guy but a really weird one."
"He was expelled for making a bomb threat. No idea what happened to him after that but I can't imagine anything good."
"Brother of a friend went out drinking with some scumbag 'friends' people had warned him to stay away from. Late into the night, there was an argument with one of them. My friend's brother ended up being part of a group that beat this poor guy to death. He won’t see the outside of a prison for a good 20 years now."
"Guy I went to high school with was diagnosed with testicular cancer when we were about 25. For months, maybe years, I would see updated posts about the progress he was making with treatment."
"Then one day he posted on Facebook that he was cancer free. The next day he was dead."
"To celebrate, he'd gone out that night and got absolutely wasted and fell down a flight of concrete steps outside his flat in the early hours of the morning. By the time he was found in the morning, he was gone."
"A friend of my parents was a good family man who loved his family. One day he was playing with his toddler and was playfully tossing her on the bed. She would get back up giggling and he would toss her again."
"In one of the tosses, he threw her a bit too far and she hit a bedpost. She lived but became bedbound, unable to even talk."
"He went to jail for child abuse. He lost his wife, his job, and his little girl would never be the same."
"An old coworker went to Vegas, felt really good about his odds due to the liquor, and ended up betting his entire life savings on roulette and lost. He ended up losing his house, his wife, and kids, and from what I've seen he lives in a tiny apartment and works a min wage job."
New Work-From-Home Fear Unlocked
"He ate dinner alone, choked, and died."
Holy Debt, Batman
"Some kid in our senior year of high school pulled the fire alarm every day. He was getting away with it for a while."
"The school had town officials and the chief of the fire department and the police come in and talk about the dangers."
"The town would send trucks and be without them if there was another emergency. None of that worked."
"When they offered a reward the kid’s friends ratted him out. His family had to pay for all those calls, he was expelled from school and didn’t graduate."
"A week ago, my little sister slipped on the ice getting out of her car and hit her head. She didn’t think much of it when she had a pounding headache later, figuring she just whacked herself good."
"Her friend told her to just sit down and take it easy until she started slurring her words roughly 10 hours after the fall."
"They called an ambulance for her, but she was going into cardiac arrest. Turns out she’d stopped taking her blood thinners she was supposed to be on for clotting issues. The headache wasn’t the fall, it was the clot in her leg cutting off blood to the brain."
"At the age of 26, she never recovered and leaves behind a four-year-old and two-year-old."
"A day horribly altered my life. I was a teacher and coach. For a field trip, the principal 'could not afford two busses,' so I had to walk about ten girls to the field trip location, and back to school, while the one bus was filled with the rest of the junior high students and faculty."
"It would be about a mile each way. I chose the girls of my team because they would listen to me outdoors, unlike lots of middle school kids."
"While crossing the street in the crosswalk, with the walk signal in our favor. All the kids went first, and like girls, they were clumped together and chatting while walking."
"I noticed a woman made a left turn into our crosswalk and never saw us as she tried to accelerate to beat an oncoming car. I knew she was going to run right through the girls."
"I pushed the kids forward, very forcefully. Most of the girls fell onto the pavement in front of other vehicles waiting at their red light. (They were badly scraped up, like road rash from me pushing them. But no hospitals or doctors were needed for their scrapes.)"
"I don't remember the impact. I remember seeing a Pontiac symbol between the headlights. I came to, and I was in a whole different lane, facing where I had just come from. I could not get up. They say my body went up the car, and off the driver's side, tearing the side mirror off the car and breaking her windshield."
"Horror and sobbing from my student-athletes. The girls raised me onto a backboard when the ambulance came, which must have been traumatic."
"Now, 20 years later, I am still an ambulatory wheelchair user. I can't teach or coach. I can't work at a desk. I have chronic pain. Yes, my life can be really sucky, but I would not change what I did that day."
"When I get low emotionally from all my limitations, I remember those girls. I watched them go to college, get married, grow into mothers, and hold impressive jobs in their fields. And when they show a photo on Facebook of their happy moment, it recharges me to know they are safe, healthy, and happy. And it reaffirms my decision to save them from harm."
Most of the subReddit shared stories of drug and alcohol use or negligent driving. But some of the stories were far more tragic than gross, and there were even some heartwarming stories thrown in.
But the conversation is an important reminder to be mindful of our actions since they truly could change our lives in a moment.