Alright Potterheads, we know some of you have been really upset about Rowling becoming increasingly TERF-tastic and it must feel like bits of your childhood are getting blasted with a cruciatus right now, but it's going to be okay.
Turns out, we maybe lucked out by not getting a letter.
One Reddit user asked:
And listen, I thought I had considered it all. I thought I'd thought of everything. But nope, never thought about accidentally poo-ing on Moaning Myrtle. Never even considered it.
Worried about the general safety, spent serious time in thought over whether or not I could give up my smartphone, and absolutely had a whole shower debate on whether or not I could eat a sweet that was actively trying to get away from me... does a chocolate frog have any sense of self? Does it feel pain? If we get a bunch of them together will we get chocolate tadpoles? What is the appropriate environment for a chocolate tadpole to swim in?
I'd come up with so many questions and possible down sides, but never half of this stuff:
The only person who can't do magic is... the janitor... the one janitor for the entire castle grounds...
This kinda justifies why the janitor was so pissed off most of the times.
It's particularly fcked up because one spell could instantly clean a room, but Filch had to scrub mud for hours instead. Basically sadism.
No personal space. 5 people in one room, one "living room" for a whole house, no personal bathrooms.
Having to share a dormitory. I went to boarding school and even just having one roommate was enough. Like absolutely no time to do.... stuff that people going through puberty do frequently, if you know what I mean. Imagine sharing your room with 4 other people
Detention is brutal!
As an 11 year old first year student, your detention is to search for a wounded unicorn in the forbidden forest (full of giant spiders and multiple other monsters that will slaughter and eat you) with just another 11yo and a dog.
Oh god I forgot about that. The punishment for doing something dangerous is doing something even more dangerous? Why on earth would parents allow their children to go to a school that would very likely kill/seriously injure them?
Central AC Would Be Lovely
The fact that it's an ancient castle without AC or even fcking glass windows! The temperature there must be a nightmare to work with!
They always talk about how superior they are to muggles, yet muggles have telephones and they're still using birds to communicate.
The curriculum at Hogwarts was sh!t. There was so much emphasis on practical magic skills that they glossed over basic human education. It's no wonder the wizarding world was a technological backwater. I actually wanted to hear more about arithmancy - there's no way that magic doesn't rely on mathematic principles in some way.
It also seemed like there wasn't much magic theory bring taught either. It was a vocational school for wizard janitors basically.
Points Are Pointless
It not making any difference if you do well and earn your house points because Harry fcking Potter and his friends all get awarded points on the last day of school because the principal fcking worships the ground they walk on.
It's All Aesthetics
Having to write with a quill on parchment. This has to be a pain to deal with!
Seriously, they couldn't figure out a way to magic that sh!t? They're just jerking themselves off over their aesthetics at that point.
A lot of that world was just jerking themselves off over aesthetics. The capes, the ridiculous money, the complete lack of modern technology...what do muggle borns do with their smartphones? Transfigure them into owls?
Getting dripped on by the floating candles and owl sht.
Imagine you're in the Great Hall, enjoying a meal when all of a sudden an owl shits on your food. So you go to grab some new food, and you get candle wax dripped on your hand.
Imagine being an 11-year-old excited that you finally got your letter. You're ready to be placed into your house and learn magic, just like your parents and their parents before them.
You also happen to be the same age as Harry Potter, so instead of getting to mind your own business and enjoy 7 years of school, you keep being put in harm's way for a kid who doesn't even know you exist.
Constant terror attacks because some kid just won't die.
Hogwarts is a castle built in the year 990. It's trying to make it as hard as possible for an army of magic hating muggles armed with swords to kill the children.
As a result it is in the middle of nowhere, disguised as a ruin, it's a castle with tall walls, the statues come to life as an instant army, it has 7 secret exit tunnels, and the inside is a constantly changing maze.
It's definitely an older system, which I think would have actually made it very hard for invaders. I could completely see Dumbledore keeping it around for fun.
All those moving stairs you have to memorize the patterns of movement of. It probably takes hours for a new kid to get to class because of those stairs.
I can only assume that the stairs were some earlier system that no-one ever figured out how to turn off (or Dumbledore thought it was fun and made students more self-reliant).
It could have been a defensive measure as well. Hogwarts has built in defenses so that could have been part of it.
Every student in your 3rd year Defense Against the Dark Arts class knowing what your worst fear is.
Morbid thought. I wonder how many boggart classes managed to identify abused kids. I mean, I can see a lot of kids' boggarts turning into their abusers/parents.
Life pro tip: Make your biggest fear Rick Astley, so you can rickroll everyone in the class when you're learning about boggarts.
Just A Normal Day
You're walking down the hallway. Just a normal day. Peeves throws stink bombs at you - as usual. Your teacher shows you some illegal magic, which is fine happens all the time.
In your plant class you get a concussion from some plants but nothing a trip to the infirmary can't fix. The kid in bed to your left has no bones and the one to the right on some weird magic drugs and is babbling like an idiot, you'll ask about where he got them tomorrow.
At dinner the ghosts talk about how they died the whole time and some kid blows up part of the table ,nothing the Elf's can't fix. On your way back to your dorm you see a few kids passed out on the floor. Your dorm mate is going at it with his girlfriend while you try to get some sleep.
Just an average day at Hogwarts.
I keep thinking about the fact that Quidditch games don't end until the snitch is caught. Like the games are pretty short in the books but imagine losing a couple days of classes because your flying around trying to find a flying golden walnut.
Plus the rest of the team has to feel so pointless, it's just like "ya, we play until the seeker wins for us"
I know catching the snitch doesn't guarantee a win, but come it basically does and everyone just cares about the seeker.
Ghosts Have No Sense Of Privacy
You have a chance of a ghost walking in on you while tryna take a fat sh!t.
Very underrated comment. I would be so anxious using the bathrooms because Ghosts seem to have no sense of privacy.
I mean Moaning Myrtle hangs out in the pipes every now and again so chances are during your seven years at Hogwarts, you have literally shat on her at least once. No wonder she's always in such a foul mood.
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