Look, when you let kids go off on their own to hide with the sole purpose of staying hidden, no matter what, things...happen.
Like these things.
Reddit user, u/reddwings, wanted to hear:
Let's Start Big!
We had just recently moved into our neighborhood and my sister (5 at the time) was playing hide and seek with a neighbor kid. Long story short, kid couldn't find her, all the adults started going around the neighborhood shouting for her, it was getting dark, after awhile my parents called the police....
Someone eventually found her and she said she did hear everyone looking for her but she was playing hide and seek so duh she wasn't coming out until someone found her! Parents called the police back and told them not to come. That's how we met most of our neighbors.
This Is Why You Have The Buddy System At The Beach
That one time I played hide and seek with my elementary school class at the beach.
I thought they never found me because I hid so well, Turns out they actually left me where I was while they played other games without me for the rest of the day.
When I finally asked what happened it was time to leave and no parent believed me when I said they abandoned me.
This Is Why You Don't Watch Ice Age
I know I'm late to this, but still remembered this. Me and my parents went to a family friends house out in the country side. There were about 10 or 15 other kids there, and I was the youngest (maybe about 7).
We decided to play hide and seek. I was found the first 2 rounds, but then up in the games room in the attic I realized the cupboards weren't locked (low down, ground level). I was able to fit in one full of workout stuff (dumbbells, etc). I couldn't close the door fully, so I thought I was gonna be caught quick.
I'd say about... an hour passed? An hour and a half? I had heard ppl moving around the game room looking for hiders. Eventually I hadn't heard anything for a while. I crept out and went downstairs to the kitchen for a drink.
And I found everyone else. Watching Ice Age. They had straight up forgotten about me. If I hadn't gotten out for a drink, god knows when they would have realized I was still missing..
This Is Why You Don't Play In The Dark
It was summer time, and I would've been about 12 or 13. All of the neighborhood kids got together to play hide & seek/ tag in the dark, with one of the swing sets being the safe zone.
Now mind you, it was one of those big a-- wooden swing sets. I was hauling ass to the safe zone, and did not see the big wooden beam in front. I ran into it, full speed. Got my first nose bleed and a minor concussion that night.
This Is Why You Don't Mess With The Babysitter
I was 5 or so and I hid in a laundry basket in a closet and put down towels on top of me. My babysitter couldn't find me and I went all-in and didn't say a thing. I was too embarrassed. He ended up calling my parents and they came home and panicked. I came out and everything was fine. I did notice how his voice increased in panic as I kept doing this
This Is Why You Probably...Should Have Just Left...
Well...wife isn't happy this happened.
Wife & I and a big group of friends were at a friends parents farm for a 4th of July barbecue.
We had been out on the lake water skiing, now it was getting dark, and drinking and music was happening. Someone suggested we play hide and seek like we were all kids at camp again...well...I ended up under a tree that my ex girlfriend was under...we laid down and held still...nothing major happened...except they never found us and gave up looking...we didn't know how the game was progressing, so we stayed hidden for almost an hour.
We SHOULD have just come back and not told anyone we were hidden in the same place...but we had no idea the problems. Her new boyfriend made a stink and my wife waited until we got in the car to let me know she wasn't pleased. She calmed down eventually, but ex girlfriend just ended their relationship...
Oh, did I mention ex girlfriend was still in short shorts and bikini top since the lake...so the group was ruthless...
This Is Why You Don't Call The Cops At Birthday Parties
At my 8th bday party I was playing hide and seek with my friends while the adults sat in the living room. We were running and shutting and opening doors whilst also screaming for some f-cking reason.
Well the neighbor's thought that all this door slamming and screaming of children meant child abuse so they called the cops. So my bday party was interrupted by the police who checked every room and interviewed every kid to make sure they were ok. Lmao the look on my moms face when she opened the door.
This Is Why You Never Hide In A Place You Yourself Can't Get Out Of
About 7 years ago my friend had a bed, you can lift the frame under the matress for storage but it locks down and can only be opened from outside.
You can already see what 8yo me was thinking. My dumbass figured that if they found me, they'd have to lift the matress up to catch me, ultimately freeing me when I was found. Well this didn't happen. I was feeling claustrophobic and wanted to get out. So there is me now crying bc I'm stuck in the best hiding place EVER. My friend's mum comes into the room to see what the fuss is about. I was leftvin there bc it was funny to them. Never played hide and seek since that day
This Is Why You Make Sure Everyone Knows It's Your Birthday
If you ask me, when they started a new round because "everyone had been found" (except me) at MY birthday party.
This Is Why You Think Through Potentially Good Ideas
I thought I would be clever and hide underneath an abandoned vehicle in somebody's yard
it was covered with hornets nests underneath...
I was the first one found......
got 63 stings,the f-ckers chased me for a block, just like in a cartoon....cloud of bees behind me
This Is Why You--Ouch. Ouch. OUCH.
Before I was born my brothers and sisters played a game at my aunt's house down by the river. My eldest brother decided to hang by his fingertips inside the water well. Meanwhile and unknowing of that fact my other brother thought about hiding up inside the little steeple cover of the well and to get to it needed to slam shut the well cover. LMAO.
SLAM... blood curdling scream... Splash... Cries for help...
Between fits of unadulterated anger interspersed with disbelief and worry my aunt, grandmother and mom managed to get him pulled up which wasn't easy because with all of those smashed fingers of his he couldn't hold tight to a rope.
This Is Why You Enjoy Your Onion Volcano When You Can
I was a waiter and some kids from a party I was serving played hide and seek and about five minutes later they had to come back because the chef came to cook (tepanyaki restaurant).
There were two guardians looking after the children and one of them realised that a child was missing and freaked out it was like a mini man hunt in the restaurant (this was all done by the guardians since they didn't tell anyone, I just overheard them and decided to watch what they would do) , after about 5-10 min of searching the girl comes out crying 'they forgot about me' she was in the bathroom the whole time and she was quiet when they called for her because she thought they were still playing.
This Is Why You Don't Pick On The Younger Sibling
When I was a kid my two older brothers would always make me be "it". One time the both hid in a trunk full of clothes. I was probably 6 or 7. So I decided to lock them in. Only I didn't have a key, they panicked like crazy and were having trouble breathing. The babysitter was going crazy. I think she broke the lock eventually. But it was some scary moments.
This Is Why You Don't Take Your Children To Lowe's
I managed to send an entire store on lockdown and freak out my entire family when I was maybe 5 years old.
My family was at Lowe's, and I decided to take my Kirby plushie with me and hide behind some shelves or boxes, and see if they could find me. Turns out they couldn't, and ran around outside because they thought someone kidnapped me. The entire store went on lockdown for a missing child, all the while I'm sitting, giggling and waiting for them to find me.
I eventually came out of hiding after my mom passed me, and got in huge trouble afterwards... I never hid in public again as a kid.
This Is Why You Stay Out Of The Forest
When I was about 8 years old my little brother who was 6 at the time and my little sister who was 3 years old, were playing some type of easy hide and seek in my grandparents' back yard. Well there are woods behind their house. Our sister being a defiant toddler ran into the woods and my brother just saw her run in and ran in after her. They were in the woods for hours because she ran in so deep and they both got turned around. Our brother found a hunting post, climbed up it into the tree, and found a way out.
They then knocked on doors, covered in dirt and scratched up, until someone answered. A woman gave them a ride back because our brother was able to point out landmarks to get back to our grandmother's house. They got back while my mother was on the phone with the cops. They were discussing a helicopter to find them. We were 'this' close to a search party. They walked a collective two to three miles. They could have gone miles deeper into rural woods if they didn't keep going one way and find the post.
So yeah watch your damn kids lol. Telling them "Don't go into the woods" does not guarantee they will listen.
This Is Why You Don't Go Near COFFINS
So when I was a wee kid and a scout, we played hide and seek in the dark. We usually played something like this every time the last 15 minutes.
It was a medium sized cabin, essentially. There was a lot of places to hide, lots of stuff just lying around. For some reason there was a coffin there and nobody, as far as I know, ever hid inside. Because it's a coffin, and that's just creepy.
But my smart-ss hid inside it. Unlucky for me, another guy also looking for a hiding spot saw me. He decided to lock the coffin I was inside of.
Yeah, I had clausrophobia for quite a while afterwards.
Ps. I have an intense hatred of the name Marcus since because that was the bastards name
This Is Why...Yeah. Got Nothing For This One.
In my family this is know as The Massacre at Aunt Amber's farm.
We were at a family reunion at my Aunt Amber's farm. There were 5 kids. 2 city kids, two military brats(me), and my Aunt's daughter Lisa. Being bored by the adults we decided to head out into the farm and play. We settled on hide and seek and Lisa was It first. City kid one hid between a hay bale and a cow pen, city kid 2 hid under a feeding trough in the pig pen that was just cleaned and leaned next to the barn to dry, I decided to hide with the goats in on of their little huts. But the best(worst) was my cousin Nick. He hid in and empty plastic barrel by the horses.
Before Lisa finished counting we all started yelling or screaming. Kid 1 tried to move the hay bale closer to the fence when it shifted and squished him against the fence and he got stuck trying to wiggle out, kid 2 had a large pig lay up against the trough trapping him, I was getting chased around by the goat I just pissed off trying to hide in his hut, and Nick was being dragged around by the horses in their barrel toy. Lisa panics and runs for her parents who then proceed to rescue us. Me and kids 1 and two just get laughed at.
But we were told Nick could have actually been killed if the horses had decided to kick the barrel around.
This Is Why You Learn About History
My grandma was Jewish and she was playing hide and seek with her brother as kids. She hid well and was very happy, the thrill of excitement from finding the perfect spot. Nobody would find her there. Then, out of nowhere, a group of Nazi soldiers break in the house. My grandma told me this story and at this point, she starts crying. She told me she couldn't see anything, but she could hear the screams of her own family as they were carried away. Her mother, her father, her brother and her sister were all taken that and she never saw them again. She was left alone in this world. It had truly traumatized her to this day and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. I was and still am horrified at this story.
She was lucky to be alive.
Hope you're at peace now grandma, rest in peace
Do you have something to confess to George? Text "Secrets" or "" to +1 (310) 299-9390 to talk him about it.
Let me be real for a second.
Every time I listen to Bjork's "Unravel," my heart breaks a bit.
Have you ever listened to it?
It's on Homogenic, her third studio album, and it's incredible, passionate, smartly produced and a great showcase for her stupendous voice.
That song? An emotional rollercoaster, for sure.
There's tons of great music out there, though, and even more sad and gorgeous songs to discover.
People shared their thoughts after Redditor humanbear07 asked the online community:
"What song genuinely breaks your heart everytime you hear it?"
"Ann Wilson has such an amazing voice..."
"There's a few, but the isolated vocal track for Heart's 'Alone' is especially heartbreaking to me. Ann Wilson has such an amazing voice and her emotion really made that band."
Doesn't grow old.
There have been quite a few excellent covers of this one over the years, too.
"The first words give me chills..."
"Most songs by the late Jeff Buckley are sad on their own, and even more devastating in context. But the one that hits me the hardest is his cover of 'I Know It's Over' by the Smiths."
"The subject of the song is up for interpretation no matter what, but Jeff Buckley's premature death adds an element to it that seems to be about his life, whether he planned to or not."
"The first words give me chills the most— they happen after the classic reverby Jeff Buckley intro, the kind Hallelujah fans will be familiar with. He takes his time with this one, like he does with that."
No love for "Lilac Wine"?
It's clearly the best track.
"Ever since my husband..."
"'Merry Christmas, Darling' by the Carpenters. Ever since my husband Tom died in 2012, my heart breaks every Christmas since. We loved Christmas."
Karen Carpenter's voice hits differently when you realize how tortured her life was.
Gone too young.
"My Dad told me..."
"In My Life by The Beatles. My Dad told me when I was a teenager that he wanted it played at his funeral. I still can't listen, and when that day comes and I HAVE TO listen to it to honor his wish, I'm going to be a blubbering mess."
Sounds like you have an excellent relationship with your dad.
"My grandmother died..."
"He Stopped Loving Her Today, by George Jones. My grandmother died almost 20 years before my grandfather, and we played it at his funeral. Just typing this chokes me up a bit."
Songs have even more meaning (sometimes painfully so) when linked to specific moments in our lives, particularly the moments when we've lost people we care about.
"I'm not a Christian..."
"'Bridge Over Troubled Water' by Simon & Garfunkel. Not a Christian, but when I hear it, I understand why people believe."
A beautiful song, and timeless, too.
"My sister's husband..."
"Always on my Mind by Willie Nelson. My sisters husband chose to have it played at her funeral. And yes he was a crappy husband and she died young in a car accident."
Sounds like art imitating life, no?
"He's an amazing songwriter..."
"Jason Isbell has so many it's honestly hard to choose one. Speed Trap Town, Decoration Day, Cover Me Up. He's an amazing songwriter."
I don't know him–it's time to look him up and see how I feel.
"I can already feel tears..."
"One More Light by Linkin Park. I can already feel tears coming to my eyes just by typing this."
Chester Bennington's death was such a shock.
His music lives on.
"My brothers passed away..."
"Simple Man - Lynyrd Skynyrd."
"My brothers passed away in a car accident shortly after coming home from Afghanistan. Reminds me of them every time I hear it."
Sorry for your loss.
Hopefully hearing the song brings you peace.
Hearing a beautiful song can be an immensely moving experience.
And hearing a sad song can, for many people, help them cope with the pain of heartbreak better than they would have otherwise.
Have some suggestions of your own? Feel free to tell us more in the comments below!
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Never miss another big, odd, funny, or heartbreaking moment again.
Unfortunately, a friendship could really end at any point in life.
Friends grow apart, but also, sometimes, it's just necessary to say goodbye to your relationship with a friend.
Maybe they aren't the right type of friend for you anymore, or maybe something has happened in their lives to make them self-destructive and toxic.
The reasons are many, and they are all sad.
Redditor monarchmondays asked:
"People who have unfriended their childhood friend/best friend, what happened?"
Here were some of those answers.
Bad Looking Out
"I was more-so the one who was unfriended. Was going to be the best man in his wedding. Saw his fiance out with another dude. Like on this dude."
"Told him, he told me I was wrong, Yada Yada. Things got heated. I told him I couldn't be his best man. Some years down the road, he caught her cheating."
"Called me up, asked if I wanted to grab a beer. I went. He apologized. I accepted, but we're still not friends."-TheMotorcycleMan
Friends Don't Control Friends
"He was a pathological liar, manipulative and told all of my most trusted secrets to everyone because he wanted to feel powerful and like he controlled me."
"Haven't spoken a word in 5 years and I have never looked back."-TheDandy9
Sometimes Life Is The Only Thing In The Way
"As soon as I left my hometown and my best friend growing up stayed, we both changed in opposite directions. He assimilated to the local lifestyle, quickly became friends with people he never got along with in school."
"I left, made new friends, found new things I liked. He started a family, I started a career."
"The final straw though was he RSVP'd to our wedding and then just didn't show. No text, no call, no anything. I think he was pissed that I didn't make him my best man after I was his best man, even though it was exactly because he wasn't reliable and made everything about himself that I couldn't do it."
"He caused sh*t at other people's weddings and I just didn't want to deal with what I knew would be inevitable. It did highlight though that growing up I was his best friend as a matter of convenience where I genuinely liked hanging out with him."-porscheblack
It's never fun or happy to lose a friend, but sometimes it's necessary for your healing process.
We've Reached The Point Of No Return
"I haven't unfriended her YET but I'm basically at the point where I'm sick of her drama, pettiness and 'main character syndrome.'"
"Anything that doesn't go her way is taken personally and if you disagree with her (or even have a preference that differs from hers) she will berate you into submission and 'agreement.'"
"And heaven forbid you have a life that doesn't consider her wants and desires. We're both 30, almost 31. I'm too old for that sh*t."-Deezus1229
When The Punches Come, I Go
"I met my ex-best mate in school, he had a little narcissistic personality, but I understood that and ignored his faults."
"In late Teens, we started drinking and partying as most do; this is when it became apparent that he had alcohol problems, forever being violent looking for fights, killing my good vibes, and getting me pulled into unwanted situations where I saved him or stopped him from beating on someone for no good reason."
"Throughout our life, he never attempted to fight me. He remained a pretty good friend to me until our first trip overseas to Asia; during our trip, he tried to coward punch me in the back of the head because I asked him to put out his cigarette that he had just lit."
"I asked him because we were seated in a restaurant surrounded by families, for some reason that angered him, I got up to leave and luckily heard him coming and avoided his punch, but he then tried to attack me further, which ended with us both on the ground and me on top of him while he shouted and went crazy."
"Eventually, police arrived and pointed a gun at both of us; luckily, they didn't shoot. Having foreign police aiming at me because my friend wouldn't calm down was one of the most scary moments in my life and that's saying something because I don't come from a easy upbringing."
"He was drunk, of course, and claims he doesn't remember, but there's no excuse to try and coward punch anyone, especially your best mate."
"I packed my bags that night and left our joint holiday plans in the dirt, traveling solo and having a blast. When I got back from my trip, I quit drinking myself and have remained sober for the last five years."
"Throughout that five years, I've had brief encounters with him, but our friendship was never the same. Unfortunately, my old friend never changed as he aged; he eventually went to jail."
"I work in hospitals and have seen him show up to the emergency triage, bashed with broken bones, and just a few months ago, he randomly knocked at my door where my wife answered, he was covered in blood."
"My wife went and woke me up; he had a stab wound and refused to go to the hospital; I drove him home and haven't seen or spoken to him since.. His brother updated me and said he was fine, whatever that means."-King-Callous
When He's A Predator
"I, a 5th grader at the time, knew this chick who was in the 7th grade dating a junior in hs. The dude thought she was 16 because she was lying about her age."
"They had been f**king and sexting and all that jazz...he didn't know she was a minor. I went and told him, and they broke up, and he was pissed... yada, yada yada..."
"They became friends again after a few years. When I was in the 8th grade, she called just so he could flirt with me 🤮. I was 13 then, and he was probably around 20. I blocked her real quick."-Cancerous0713
The End Of An Era
"Inseparable all through jr and HS. We graduated in 85 so no social media but I still feel ghosted. He stopped returning my calls, I always had to initiate and when we did get together he wasn't that interested."
"I gave it a few tries but I got the message and just stopped contacting him and he never reach out to me after that. I never new why and it took almost 10 years for me to get over it and stop thinking about it every day."
"I kind of wish he would have just told me he doesn't like me anymore. I have a current best friend I met in college and we've been friends for 30+ years so it's all good."-DreamArcher
There is never a right time to say goodbye to someone you once considered a trusted friend.
"My best friends young son was killed in a four wheeler accident. I was the first responding paramedic. I had to take him from my friends arms to work on him. Knowing he was dead the all along."
"We flex the child on Lifeflight then I drove my best friend and his wife to the hospital. I knew all along he was dead but they didn't. It wasn't his fault or mine that he died in any way but I could never look my best friend in the eye again."
"All I could see was his pain. So we drifted apart. I finally got to tell him and his wife before my friend died with heart trouble."-hotandhornyinbama
Secret Mental Health Leeches
"She started being nasty to my husband when we got engaged. It was so gross. She was snarky and rude to him every time he spoke and made him feel unwelcome in our own home."
"I kind of fell out of friend love with her after watching her behave like that. My mom thinks it was jealousy or something, idk. My husband is the most fun and caring person I've ever known, I expected her to be happy for me."
"In retrospect, I realized there were a lot of other red flag issues I had been ignorant of. It's been 3 years now and I am so much mentally healthier without the drama she was churning up."-ThunderHeavyRains
When Mom Damaged Her
"Had a friend I met pre-kindergarten but had a falling out in middle school. Families knew each other and we were like sisters. But sadly, her mom was a true definition of a Tiger mom. Her mom always pushed my friend to be in all of these extracurricular activities, music lessons, tutoring, etc. Her mom was always dissatisfied; nothing was good enough."
"She wasn't the most nurturing parent. But my parents were the opposite. Especially my mom, she just wanted me to be a good person and do my best. But naturally I was a very good student."
"So my friend's mom would always compare my friend to me saying I was better than her because I was naturally gifted and didn't NEED all of that help. My friend began to resent me."
"Throughout puberty, she would call me a slut because I was physically developing, tried to imply I was ugly just to see my reaction, threatened to punch me, things I understood where they were coming from but did not think were justified as I had not done anything directly to her."
"Final straw was when she posted on Facebook that she thought I was ugly so I just cut her off completely. I pitied her for her family life but her bitterness toward me was wrong. Because through my eyes, she was my best friend and all she wanted to do was hurt me. Don't regret cutting it off"-dookieconductor
The sad truth is that people are not always meant to be close, and that some people are too mentally unhealthy to have any kind of closeness in their lives.
Until they grow up, there is not much we can do but sadly step aside and take care of ourselves.
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Certain personalities show up at almost every party like clockwork.
There's always that person who get's too drunk, someone awkwardly standing in the corner nursing a drink, the person who's not having a good time no matter what and the person babysitting the crowd they came with.
When there's alcohol—or any other substances—and the pressure of a social situation, all sorts of quirks will come out. We wanted to know what people thought their country would act like if they were a person attending a party.
Redditor amotyvukufyd asked:
"All the countries of the world are at a party. What is your country doing?"
Here are some of the best and most hilarious answers.
The United Kingdom is just leaving.
"Not before slapping the knees and saying 'right.'"
"Northern Ireland looks nervously at her sister before putting her sunglasses on and following."
"As an American from the Midwest, we do a 'welp' knee slap. Then sit/stand for another 25 minutes before leaving."
"Then talk in the porch. Then talk in the doorway. Then talk in the driveway. Then talk out the car window."
"'Yuh, I guess.'"
"'See you around, I suppose.'"
"'Yuh you bet.'"
"Buzz of the window rolling up."
Argentina is in the backyard.
"Argentina is either playing football in the backyard with Brazil or aggressively telling whoever's at the grill how to cook a steak."
"Don't forget, they're also drinking fernet and coke, or even cheap wine and juice, out of a cut off bottle even though there were enough glasses for everyone."
"While listening to El Potro Rodrigo."
"For sure we're arguing with Texans over asado."
"Texas would also totally be there despite not being a country itself."
"Texas showing up to a party where only entire nations are invited is such a Texas thing to do."
Greece is making questionable choices.
"I'm Greek so I guess a lot of sex, wine and questionable financial decisions that will ruin us the morning after."
"At least you have your club of friends who will drive you home when you pass out. My country, Argentina, will spend the night borrowing money. When they finally kick him out, he'll have to walk home, broke and alone. And it will start to rain."
Poland fighting with Russia, Belarus, and Ukraine.
"Poland. In the corner with Russia, Belarus and Ukraine, drinking vodka and fighting each other. Poland fighting Belarus and Ukraine fighting Russia."
"With some EU guys walking by with fancy drinks, dropping some concerns."
"And then Russia says 'Oh, you want some too?' And the EU guys turn and walk away."
"Then hours later writes a strongly worded comment to Russia's Facebook page. After spending 8 hours arguing over the exact wording."
Germany brings the beer.
"I'm German and I'd say Germany would complain about the taste of the beer."
"Germany should be bringing the beer. Please don't leave it to America who will bring some watery Coors Light!"
"Wouldn't they discuss politics too?"
"We so would! I was thinking about what we would do what wasn't absolutely cliché (like bringing the beer). I feel we would not only discuss politics but also rant about it. And other stuff. I feel ranting is really something we like to do. But also Germany would be drinking way too much and be completely fine the next morning..."
India is awkwardly dancing.
"India/that uncle dancing inappropriately in the middle of the dance floor."
"Not gonna lie, they got da best moves though."
"I was gonna say India would be that aunty gossiping about and judging others' outfits/looks, but this one is better."
The USA is just destroying things for fun.
"USA. Chugging beers and trying to smash a foldable table by jumping on it."
"I think the US would be like a really obnoxious frat dude that's also kinda fun. Like waaaay over the top bragging... but also did bring the weed. Then word gets around that he has a gun on him and it makes everyone uncomfortable, but he says it's just cause Russia and China are packing too."
"I figure we'd also be the one who obnoxiously insists on 'defending' every girl in the party- whether the girl wants it or not. Lots of 'do you wanna go?' energy, then trying to clean up any mess we make but just doing the absolute worst job of it while staying way, waaay too long after the party is over."
"We'd also get mad at China for stealing our famous brownie recipe even though we asked them to make it for us."
We aren't sure we want to be invited to that party.
Sounds like there's gonna be a lot of drama.
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Irrespective of men's sexual identity or preference, there are men who hate sports, and there are men who love musical theater. Do participating in either activity make men straight or gay?
"Straight men of Reddit, what is the strangest thing you have been told not to do because 'that's gay?'"
The following behavior just screams, "gay," fellas. Watch out.
"Sing a Lily Allen song during karaoke."
"Advice I received in high school from other students:" "Don't cross your legs with one knee over the other. Put one ankle over the other knee." "When carrying books, palm them and carry them at your side. Don't rest one edge of the books near your waist." "Never button the top button of your shirt."
Look, But Don't Look
"This one time, at summer camp, this guy who'd just been swimming in the lake told me you could tell how cold the water was by how hard his nipples were. 'But don't stare too long,' he said, 'because that's gay.'"
"You were the one who told me to look in the first place!"
Sandwich For Sissies
"When I was a kid, my dad called me a sissy because I cut a sandwich diagonally."
"I played the clarinet. I got called Faginet a lot."
"But that's one women do," one might argue.
"Changing my daughter's diaper. Mentioned it in the office one day. Called gay."
A Lighter Shade
"Buying a white IPhone."
"Added my husband (then boyfriend) to my phone plan. Went to the store on my own to upgrade both our phones. We both just wanted the next gen Samsung. It was only available in purplish-pink in store."
"I shrugged and said it didn't matter, he's putting a case on it anyways. Guys working at the store kept trying to talk me out of it, actively pushing me to go to another store, making them lose commission, just so my partner wouldn't have a feminine phone. He used his pink phone for 3 years."
"I've been criticized for knowing how to sew and cook. Those are essential life skills!"
"My father was a Marine drill instructor in the 50's. Guess who did all the sewing in my house growing up?"
"Yeah, no one dared to call him gay for it."
Here are examples of guidelines for being a manly man, according to manly men.
"Not a straight man but... back in my bartending days I asked a man if he wanted to see a dessert menu. He said 'if I wanted dessert I'd order wings like a real man.'"
"Weird flex but okay."
When I'm In The Mood, I Masticate
"When I'm feeling extra manly, I just take a bite out of a cow and then chew on some raw wheat."
"Like a man."
No Appointments Necessary For Straight Men
"I left a pick-up basketball game because I had an appointment to get a haircut. Evidently, the only straight way to get a haircut is as a walk in."
Abiding By The Law Is So Gay
"Using turn signals. And not as some sort of euphemism, but literally using them while driving to turn or change lanes."
In grade school, some fellow classmates asked me to check for gum on my shoe because they saw me step in some.
When I lifted my leg to take a gander, the boys were howling hysterically as if my actions confirmed something.
Well, it sure did. Apparently, if I l looked at the bottom of my shoe from in front of me, I was "normal," but since I bent my leg back and looked at the bottom of my shoe from behind, that made me "so gay."
Although, I didn't come out 'til years later, maybe those goons were onto something. Thanks for the heads up, guys.
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