I, like many millions of others have had actor Chadwick Boseman on my mind this week. There are a myriad of lessons to take away from his incredible life. One of the clearest is one that so many of us tend to ignore... "Choose your friends wisely and surround yourself with the right people." Mr. Boseman fought cancer for four years while becoming an international superstar and not one person from his circle, not one, spilled his secret or sold him out. That is the definition of that age old saying. Shed yourself of the toxic people. Life is too short. It serves no purpose to allow yourself to be treated as less than. And don't be afraid to listen to the ones who truly care.
Redditor u/purpleplum456 wanted us all to get honest and really start to make better choices in those we surround ourselves with by asking.... What's the line between a brutally-honest friend and a toxic friend?Variations on Truth
Season 3 Episode 6 GIF by FriendsGiphyA toxic "friend" takes obvious pleasure in shocking you with information they know will hurt.
An honest friend directly tells you what you need to know, even if it's not what you wish to hear.
Questions After...
The honest friend will follow the "is it true? Is it helpful? Is it kind?" Rules about when to say something that may be hurtful. The toxic one will be "brutally honest" even when there's no good to come of it because helping you isn't why they are telling you.
How are you?
This! My childhood friend often took great delight in declaring " you look fat/ you've put on more weight/ your stomach looks massive" which ok... yeah I was packing a bit. But it wasn't constructive or even.... nice.
We lived in different towns and after a long time apart - we met in a bar. The first thing she said was "oh my god, you look really fat." Not... so nice to see you, I've missed you, how are you... just insults.
In the end I realized the nasty comments weren't said from a place of concern or love, they were to just put me below her.
After 15 years of not realizing this - something snapped and this is my 4th year without her in my life.
Thanks Anyway....
Fuck You Season 4 GIF by FriendsGiphyHonest friend: "That's awesome that you got to the final round of interviews but you might want to apply to other jobs just in case you don't get it. The job market is really competitive right now."
Toxic friend: "there's no way you're getting this job, there are probably tons of people way more qualified than you."
What you "Need"
I had a brutally honest friend who always told me what I needed to hear, and I really appreciated it. But she was NEVER mean about it - she never made personal attacks on my character, or abilities, and she also had excellent judgment on people and situations. A brutally honest friend, boss, colleague, whatever can be counted on to give you smart and rational advice without unnecessarily hurting your feelings. It's totally different from a toxic person, whose goal is mainly to bring others down.
Malice.
In my experience I can always tell a brutally honest friend because there's always the understanding that they really care about me and love me. They're also not always like that - they're more than just brutally honest; they're also caring - they are multidimensional. It always leads to me appreciating them more as a friend. A toxic friend has a certain amount of straight up malice behind what they say and how they say it.
What?
Honest friend: "That dress doesn't look good on you. You should go upstairs and change. I wouldn't want you to feel embarrassed later."
Toxic friend: at the party, in front of others Wow that dress looks terrible on you. I can't believe you wore that out." When you get mad later "What? I was just being honest!!"
being flawed....
Quiet Ross Geller GIF by FriendsGiphyAre they "brutally honest" with you in public? Pointing out your flaws in front of others as if they're trying to embarrass you? Toxic.
Are they pontificating about your "flaws" almost as if they were saying "being you? wrong, be more like me"? Disregarding the intricacies and differences of both of your personalities? Toxic.
Do they say mean crap about their friends with you? They say mean crap about you behind your back.
But Why?
I think the real difference is motivation. A brutally honest friend is just brutally honest indiscriminately. They will tell you the truth if it flatters you, or if it hurts you, and everything in between. A toxic friend is just self serving. They tell you the truth when it suits them, or if they want to stir up crap, or make themselves look good.
Attention Everyone!
Season 5 Shut Up GIF by FriendsGiphyA "brutally honest" friend will pull you aside to tell you that your zipper is down.
A toxic person gets the DJ at the club to call you out.
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Redditor _ReDd1T_UsEr wanted to discuss the reasons why many of us decided to cut some people out of our lives, so they asked:
"What was the reason why your friendship ended with someone?"
Sometimes a person just has to go.
Planning Stages
Weekend Sunday GIF by DisneyGiphy"I stopped being the first to always initiate plans, and that was that."
Witty-Surround-6541
"I once asked a friend to plan our next breakfast + walk outing, since I always did that. He wrote me a letter ending the friendship. Stunning!"
fermat9996
Pants on Fire
"Habitual lying became too annoying and disruptive to tolerate."
Hosscatticus_Dad523
"When you constantly are thinking... this math ain't matching lol. People that lie all the time make me sick. I've told multiple friends that you don't have to lie to me."
"I feel so much better when someone can trust me and feel comfortable telling me a hard truth than an easy lie."
"Even if the truth made me feel some type of way, I'm still glad it was honest. I've even said thank you to people in the past that have been honest with me, good or bad! Some people just can not help lying about things. I wouldn't be able to ever keep a story straight if I did that."
__eden_
Bad Behavior
"He kept having kids with different girls and bailing on them. Coming from a 'went out for a pack of smokes' Dad myself, I just couldn't watch it anymore. Bailed after the third one. Think he's up to 6 now."
KingGuy420
"Reminds me of one of my ex-friends. She kept having kids with MULTIPLE guys (all of them were one-night stands), I don't think she even knows who the baby daddies are."
"She also kept begging me and people for money for pot, and she also bragged about having OnlyFans. She'd also make up stories about being in an abusive relationship with her boyfriend (she'd also cheat on him/tell people her and him they broke up, which they weren't)."
wisconsinking
Reasons
"I was a bad person and they ended it for perfectly sensible reasons. I would have done the same. I've changed, but I don't blame them for not reconsidering contact."
tabletopsidekick
"I’ve been there. I was a bad person and lost friendships and family relationships. I tried to apologize to everyone I hurt."
PDXGalMeow
"I also accepted that they don’t want me in their lives anymore. I learned that I made my mistakes, I learned from them, and I accept their choices. I don’t self-hate anymore and I try to be a better person in general. I hope you are doing well and practicing self-love and forgiveness."
PDXGalMeow
Money Issues
Donald Duck Money GIFGiphy"I lent them $20 and then they avoided me so they didn’t have to pay me back. Worth the $20."
BuickAssault
"I don't ever expect prompt returns of small amounts of money between my friends... we all buy each other rounds or buy the food for the BBQ or whatever. It ends up evening out over time I think we'd notice though if someone was always taking and never giving and then they'd probably get cut off too."
Badloss
In the immortal words of Cyndi Lauper... "Money Changes Everything."
Lack of Support
Happy Planning GIFGiphy"She joined a pyramid scheme selling butt-ugly leggings and it took over her whole life. When I finally told her it was negatively affecting our friendship, she accused me of not supporting her 'business.'"
LeftandLeaving9006
Oh Driver
"I was basically a taxi for my friends so I dumped them all."
Bullfrog_Little
"This one I can understand but depends on the situation. Not all of my friends had cars in high school, so our group needed to have me and my sh*tty '94 Plymouth Sundance come, or they couldn't do anything. I didn't mind at all then, but I definitely would these days."
Hoopajoops
"I remember I used to drive around with my buddies all the time before they had licenses. When one of my friends got his and a car I said sweet now you can drive me around for a bit, he replied that he wasn't gonna waste his money on gas like that. See ya, haven't really spoken to him since."
DontcallmeShirley_82
2063
"How's this for oddly specific: Friend since 1980, was hanging out at a bar in 1992 and there was a dispute of over a $15.00 bar tab. I was in the right, but whatever - he held a grudge for years."
"Ran into him in 2017 and we were both too old to care. Started to see each other now and then. 2023 and we're at this local bar for a show and got into a fight about $15.00 a ticket."
"Maybe he'll call me in 2063."
The68Guns
Exhausting
"She was a taker, constantly. When I needed something she made it about her yet again. Exhausting to be around."
LordyIHopeThereIsPie
"I'm going through this right now. Can't tell you how many texts I have from her in the past few days telling me that I need to get over myself, need to stop making myself the victim, have been a terrible friend, have never been there for her."
"She's the most narcissistic person I know and everyone does everything for her. She has one of the easiest lives ever and anytime anything bad happens to her she believes that everyone is against her and she's the victim here. It's pure insanity. There is no talking sense to people like this."
cheeseburgerwaffles
Life Changes
point pointing GIF by Shalita GrantGiphy"I've lost like all but two of my 'friends' because I stopped drinking and doing hard drugs."
ConcertTerrible8877
"Same here dude. My circle is small but hey at least it's a circle I know I can go to."
Miss_mayonnaise
Oh, how things change when the booze dries up.
How much fun were you really having?
Do you have any stories about cutting off a friend? Let us know in the comments below.